Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I really know this man?

89 replies

DianeC2020 · 24/07/2021 19:55

Hi everyone,

Don't know where to start. I split up with my husband around 3 years ago (we have two DDs together) and about 2 years ago I started dating someone I've known for many years. I was struggling to cope and he was amazing in helping me get through some difficult times. At first, it was amazing. We shared many interests and he was brilliant with my kids. After about 6 months, he wanted to move in with me, have another kid and get married. I don't want any more kids and I am not keen on moving in with anyone. So it's always been a problem, because he doesn't think I love him etc.

Around last October, we started having arguments. It was usually about him not feeling like I care enough or respect his needs and wishes. I decided to have an evening with a friend of mine and my partner went crazy, asking me lots of questions and making out that I was sectrely cheating (I wasn't!). It got heated and he hit me. I have never been in an abusive relationship before, so I was utterly shocked. He broke down and talked about his childhood and begged me to give him another chance. I decided to give him another chance as long as he sought medical treatment. He did this, but now it's ended and it hasn't change him.

He has become really difficult. I have to be careful what I say to him because he blows up over things that most people won't be bothered about. I sometimes want time alone and when I tell him, he thinks I'm cheating and becomes sulky, telling me I've ruined things and don't love him etc. There has been no physical abuse since October, but he frequently turns up at my house and kicked my door several times because I wouldn't let him in.

My kids love him, but they haven't seen his abusive side. He is lovely, romantic and caring the rest of the time, so I am torn because I care for him a lot and my children love him being around, but I feel suffocated by him.

Should I push for him to seek more mental health help or should I walk away?

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 24/07/2021 19:57

You should walk away.

rishisboater · 24/07/2021 19:58

Do you think mental health problems make you hit people?

I haven't heard of a mental health illness that does That.

So no, you just need to walk away

rishisboater · 24/07/2021 19:59

Also, barely any abusive person is horrible all the time. For plenty of the tone they are lovely and that's what traps you. The old "oh but he can be soooo lovely". Yeah, then he hits you

KurtWilde · 24/07/2021 19:59

Walk away. This is no way to live.

Noterook · 24/07/2021 19:59

Walk away. Quickly. And don't look back.

FatJan · 24/07/2021 19:59

I can't believe I'm having to say this, but yes you should walk away from the aggressive, abusive, paranoid, controlling man before her destroys you mentally and physically.

FatJan · 24/07/2021 19:59

he*

B1rdflyinghigh · 24/07/2021 20:00

He's a controlling and abusive man....you know what to do.
LTB

category12 · 24/07/2021 20:01

Walk away.

You have two dds, they don't need this in their lives.

LuluJakey1 · 24/07/2021 20:03

Walk away now. Have no more contact ever and never think about him again. That's all.

fairgame84 · 24/07/2021 20:04

Walk away. There is no happy ending with this man.

DianeC2020 · 24/07/2021 20:06

Thanks all. x

OP posts:
Mountaingoatling · 24/07/2021 20:09

If one were to fictionalise a 'classic beginning to a very upsetting, controlling and abusive relationship it would be this. Please, please walk away.

Fightingback16 · 24/07/2021 20:11

Walk away he is showing you what’s under the mask. Run away quick.

category12 · 24/07/2021 20:13

You say yourself he hasn't changed. While he's kept a lid on the violence against you for a few months, he's still violent (kicking doors etc) and flying into rages.

Aside from that, you want different things in life - he wants marriage and kids together.

Do the right thing for yourself and for your children, stay away.

Blacktothepink · 24/07/2021 20:19

Ltb! He’s an abusive asshole

Dontbeme · 24/07/2021 20:28

After about 6 months, he wanted to move in with me, have another kid and get married

This was your first red flag OP, he was trying to warpdrive your relationship into being more serious than it should be in those early days. He is abusive and clearly thinks getting you pregnant means that you would be stuck with him. Of course that didn't work and now he will amp up the abuse in time. He is nice to your kids to get you inside, they don't live him, they don't know him, they don't know he hits their mother or tries to kick in the door to their home. You need to run, far and fast, and count your blessings you don't have a child with this man that would tie you to him for life.

LepusLepus · 24/07/2021 20:41

Yes, you do know him OP. You know he is an abusive, controlling bastard who will not change.

HE HIT YOU ONCE. HE WILL HIT YOU AGAIN. That is the truth of it.

Please, please do not get pregnant by this man. Please, please do not marry him,

It's all about what HE wants, and he will get it any way he can, given the chance.

Run away to the life that YOU want. Good luck.

Smackthepony · 24/07/2021 20:47

Don’t walk away……..RUN!

read:

Why does he do that (inside the minds of angry and controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft

Speak to Women’s aid

Tiramiwho · 24/07/2021 21:42

No. No. No. No.No OP.
Please walk away from this immediately. He showed red flags very early on when he tried to emotionally blackmail you to moving in together. I had all of this. I can relate to everything except the hitting ( because I threw him out before then ) the love bombing, Bonding with your children quickly ( does he use them as a reason to move in with you all? ) insanely jealous if I went to a friend's for an afternoon brew etc, etc. Kicked a big hole in a door, 'suicide' threats and 'attempts'.
It won't get better. Promise you that Flowers

Hidehi4 · 24/07/2021 21:51

Walk away even if it’s not for yourself for your children. One call to the police from your neighbours if he is coming and kicks your door and social services will be involved and they will ask why you aren’t protecting your kids.

wewereliars · 24/07/2021 22:15

Don't walk run

jerryg · 24/07/2021 22:36

Speaking from experience, please walk away

Bananalanacake · 24/07/2021 22:41

Well done on not letting him move in. Keep it that way.

Starlia · 24/07/2021 22:46

He has displayed classic abusive behaviour which will only escalate.
Walk away now and don't look back. Your DDs need to be protected from him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread