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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I really know this man?

89 replies

DianeC2020 · 24/07/2021 19:55

Hi everyone,

Don't know where to start. I split up with my husband around 3 years ago (we have two DDs together) and about 2 years ago I started dating someone I've known for many years. I was struggling to cope and he was amazing in helping me get through some difficult times. At first, it was amazing. We shared many interests and he was brilliant with my kids. After about 6 months, he wanted to move in with me, have another kid and get married. I don't want any more kids and I am not keen on moving in with anyone. So it's always been a problem, because he doesn't think I love him etc.

Around last October, we started having arguments. It was usually about him not feeling like I care enough or respect his needs and wishes. I decided to have an evening with a friend of mine and my partner went crazy, asking me lots of questions and making out that I was sectrely cheating (I wasn't!). It got heated and he hit me. I have never been in an abusive relationship before, so I was utterly shocked. He broke down and talked about his childhood and begged me to give him another chance. I decided to give him another chance as long as he sought medical treatment. He did this, but now it's ended and it hasn't change him.

He has become really difficult. I have to be careful what I say to him because he blows up over things that most people won't be bothered about. I sometimes want time alone and when I tell him, he thinks I'm cheating and becomes sulky, telling me I've ruined things and don't love him etc. There has been no physical abuse since October, but he frequently turns up at my house and kicked my door several times because I wouldn't let him in.

My kids love him, but they haven't seen his abusive side. He is lovely, romantic and caring the rest of the time, so I am torn because I care for him a lot and my children love him being around, but I feel suffocated by him.

Should I push for him to seek more mental health help or should I walk away?

OP posts:
Original poster
DianeC2020 · 25/07/2021 16:04

Thank you all for your help.

I ended it yesterday, not long after I read through all your replies. Did it over the phone and was called everything under the sun. He phoned constantly all night and today. Didn't take the calls, but he started texting threats - suicide, rape, knocking down my door. I have detailed to him that I will call the police if he visits again (he says he doesn't care and to go ahead and call the police). He has a very good job, so I don't believe he doesn't care.

It's been a few hours of silence and now he's texting me stuff like 'I love you' and 'why can't we make it work' and 'I can't live without you'. I am hard enough not to fall for any of this, but the threats are at the back of my mind about what he could do. I'm sure he's thinking up ways to make my life a misery and he stated that he wouldn't allow me to walk away while he is having to suffer.

Wish I had seen this coming more clearly. :(

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 25/07/2021 16:08

Block him.

Reading his abusive texts is pointless. You've ended the relationship and never need contact with him again. If he comes to your door phone the police. Do not speak or engage with him in any way. Block him on every single way he has to contact you.

Deadringer · 25/07/2021 16:12

You deserve better op. The nasty side of him is part of who he is, no treatment will change that. He needs to go.

Deadringer · 25/07/2021 16:16

Sorry i didn't see your update op. Wow he is really showing you who he is. Thank your lucky stars that you have ended it. Mind yourself and involve the police if necessary.

AnyOldLion · 25/07/2021 16:19

Rape threats?!?! Call the police.

category12 · 25/07/2021 16:21

Speak to the police (non-emergency) and show them the threatening text messages.

They may pay him a visit and be on alert if anything kicks off at your place.

Then block him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/07/2021 16:39

@category12

Speak to the police (non-emergency) and show them the threatening text messages.

They may pay him a visit and be on alert if anything kicks off at your place.

Then block him.

This. He's threatened rape and has previously kicked the door in. Call the police. I wouldn't be staying at home for the next few nights but I know that's easier said than done. Or I would have a male relative staying with you for a few nights. While you get that you need to cut contact and that he is awful, I think you're a bit numbed to quite how seriously the police will take him threatening to rape you. It meets the threshold for them to get involved now, please involve them.
moirarosebabay · 25/07/2021 16:39

@Smackthepony

Don’t walk away……..RUN!

read:

Why does he do that (inside the minds of angry and controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft

Speak to Women’s aid

Yes! Read this book! These men have very distinctive patterns of behaviour. He will have picked up on your vulnerability in the beginning and been overly nice and helpful as a way of making himself indispensable to you and then the controlling stuff comes in. Saying that about his childhood. Even if hitting you in some way relieves his childhood pain ( or shouldn't in any normal human) do you really want to be his scapegoat. I know it's hard and you want the charming man to come back but honestly please just start by reading the Lundy Bancroft book (possibly you'll sense you need to do this in private or he'll kick off but I think you can get it on kindle)
1forAll74 · 25/07/2021 16:45

Walk away, and tell him to take his jealous,and complex mindset with him. Don't bother to listen to him about his childhood memories, he should be able to deal with such things now he is older..

Mary1Mary · 25/07/2021 16:47

Nip this in the bud op before he feels emboldened to act out his threats. Those threats are a crime, phone the police before it escalates further.

Badhabits1 · 25/07/2021 16:53

Yes the police will take that seriously. I had a thread on here a few years ago with similar threats from an ex and everybody said report it. The police said it was at the extreme end of serious and turned up within half an hour. They gave me some security advice as I was living on my own in the sticks with two children and they couldn’t find my house.

thenewduchessofhastings · 25/07/2021 16:53

The fact he wanted to move in and impregnate you after 6 months is a red flag.He seemed very keen to get his feet under your table so to speak.

Then there's the jealousy/possessiveness and attempts at controlling you.

And he hit you.He assaulted you.He committed an actual crime by assaulting you.

End it,go NC,block him and move on.

LivingLaVidaCovid · 25/07/2021 17:00

Another vote for phoning non emergency and reporting it now. Irrespective of him doing anything further.
I would flag his past abuse and that he has hit you previously when reporting him.

They can "make a note" on their system should anything happen it is already on their system and they have the background.

MrsPsmalls · 25/07/2021 17:02

This is rubbish. Do not put up with it. Honestly I am more generous than some people and I know peoples past can fuck them up, but treatment hasn't helped him. Not at all. He is now kicking doors and more than once. Let him go.

rainbowstardrops · 25/07/2021 17:13

He's threatened you. I'd be calling the police.

MzHz · 25/07/2021 17:17

Good good you’ve had an awful time and a truly close shave, please please keep this guy gone, whatever he says, whatever he does and call the police on him if he contacts you again. Show them the texts

He’s a classic abuser, and not a very imaginative or special one

He could However be very dangerous so don’t take anything for granted and don’t hesitate to go full on hard core police response if he shows up at your house.

Jurassicparkinajug · 25/07/2021 17:27

Please contact the police. I'm alarmed at his comment that he won't let you walk away whilst he suffers. Please be very careful OP and make sure your home is secure. He sounds volatile. You did the right thing by ending it.

TheFoundations · 25/07/2021 17:30

Classic 'love bomb, manipulate, abuse' procedure.

Right down to the bit where he's got you questioning yourself.

Block him, report him, forget about him. Don't blame yourself for not seeing it coming. That's what happens to people who think the best of people. You don't want to change that about yourself. You need stronger boundaries, but after this, you probably will have.

ShirleyDab · 25/07/2021 17:36

With his violent background and now these threats he sounds a really dangerous man, op. Do mess about and think he'll calm down or won't go through with what he threatens. Get yourself protected, report him to the police - there should be a domestic violence unit.

And plan your escape now in case he does come round to kick your door in. Do you have any neighbours you can confide in who would come to assist you if needed them?
Get and air horn and let people know you need help if they hear it.

These deranged, entitled men are capable of anything when they can't have what they want. Don't underestimate him, op.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 25/07/2021 17:36

Definitely inform the police, then if it escalates at all you have a pattern of behaviour already logged with them. You've been incredibly strong, and you've definitely done the right thing, I hope this is it and he fucks off into the ether but experience tells me he probably won't just yet.

ShirleyDab · 25/07/2021 17:38

That should say: Don't mess about.

Original poster
DianeC2020 · 25/07/2021 17:42

Thank you all for your support. x

OP posts:
Cockenspiel · 25/07/2021 17:45

You 100% need to inform the police of his threats (and his background physical abuse ASAP). Yours and your children’s safety is paramount, over and above any thoughts you might have about overreacting. You are NOT. This man clearly has the capacity to be very dangerous (and charming).

First things first, make sure your home is very secure. Get a ring / video doorbell so you can record any worrying activity.

billy1966 · 25/07/2021 17:45

You have children in the house.

Report his threats to the police.

NeverButterkist · 25/07/2021 17:45

Yet another one for informing the police - he has threatened you with violence. I think that they can put a marker on your house so if he turns up and you call, them they will respond quickly. They can also advise on security.
I also echo pp who ask if you able to stay somewhere else for a few days or have someone stay with you.
If not can you secure your home well enough such that he can't get in.
Block him on all platforms and if he does turn up don't engage with him, just call the police. Keep you and your DC safe.💐