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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I really know this man?

89 replies

DianeC2020 · 24/07/2021 19:55

Hi everyone,

Don't know where to start. I split up with my husband around 3 years ago (we have two DDs together) and about 2 years ago I started dating someone I've known for many years. I was struggling to cope and he was amazing in helping me get through some difficult times. At first, it was amazing. We shared many interests and he was brilliant with my kids. After about 6 months, he wanted to move in with me, have another kid and get married. I don't want any more kids and I am not keen on moving in with anyone. So it's always been a problem, because he doesn't think I love him etc.

Around last October, we started having arguments. It was usually about him not feeling like I care enough or respect his needs and wishes. I decided to have an evening with a friend of mine and my partner went crazy, asking me lots of questions and making out that I was sectrely cheating (I wasn't!). It got heated and he hit me. I have never been in an abusive relationship before, so I was utterly shocked. He broke down and talked about his childhood and begged me to give him another chance. I decided to give him another chance as long as he sought medical treatment. He did this, but now it's ended and it hasn't change him.

He has become really difficult. I have to be careful what I say to him because he blows up over things that most people won't be bothered about. I sometimes want time alone and when I tell him, he thinks I'm cheating and becomes sulky, telling me I've ruined things and don't love him etc. There has been no physical abuse since October, but he frequently turns up at my house and kicked my door several times because I wouldn't let him in.

My kids love him, but they haven't seen his abusive side. He is lovely, romantic and caring the rest of the time, so I am torn because I care for him a lot and my children love him being around, but I feel suffocated by him.

Should I push for him to seek more mental health help or should I walk away?

OP posts:
PieceOfString · 25/07/2021 17:47

Walk away, the stakes are too high.
If his second chance want enough for him to be able to manage his behaviour then neither will the 3rd 4th or 5th.
The good bits aren't worth the price, this will slowly erode away what that is, and your own self respect until you're just left with a husk.
Cut your losses, wish him well and be very very glad you didn't have a child and move him in

Orla1970 · 25/07/2021 17:47

Well his response should tell you were right to end this. He threatened to rape you? You need to report this to the police and like other posters have advised you need to make friends/family/neighbours that you are at risk from this man. So they know if you call them it’s not for a chat. Don’t enter into any other comms with him. Block him. Take care x

PieceOfString · 25/07/2021 17:51

Sorry, posted too soon on op only. I'm really sorry you've triggered such an awful reaction with your own reasonable choice.
I hope you have lots of rl support and are able to help your children process his absence ok.
What an awful person he turned out to be! It's shocking how we can really not know someone's true self until you peel back many layers. 😳

Smackthepony · 25/07/2021 19:09

Well done OP for ending it. You are strong. I hope you have kept all of the evidence of his threats. Now is the time to speak to the police. I don’t mean to scare you but this is often the most dangerous time for women of abusive partners. You need to take all precautions and get it recorded with the police. Judging by his previous violent behaviour his ego isn’t going to let this go without a fight. Ignore/block all communication with him and if you can please get ring doorbells/cameras etc if you haven’t already got them. Fingers crossed he will bluster and move on but just in case he doesn’t, be prepared. I agree with PP’s, alert neighbours/friends/school to look out for you and if possible stay somewhere else for a while. §

senoritarita · 25/07/2021 22:16

You say you got together when you were vulnerable and he helped you through a tough time? Alarm bells

senoritarita · 25/07/2021 22:19

Wow. Stay strong. Well done! You've done brilliantly so far

30degreesandmeltinghere · 25/07/2021 22:23

Block him in all ways.. Post abusive marriage I fell into a similar relationship.. He got me pregnant while supposedly using condoms but obviously wasn't.. I was yet again trapped. Took me years (and with another 3x dc) to leave..
You aren't a therapist and you can't change him.
Take him back and it will be you needing professional help..

southlondoner02 · 25/07/2021 22:34

Whether you decide to report to the police or not I would suggest you call your local IDVA (independent domestic violence advisor) tomorrow. Details should be on your local council website. They can advise on things like security, injunctions,police processes etc.

You can call the police at any time, he has committed several crimes against you including harassing you. You can call if you feel threatened - their job is to protect you

Nonmaquillee · 25/07/2021 22:36

Walk away. It’s a no-brainer.

Nonmaquillee · 25/07/2021 22:39

Sorry, OP, I should have read your updates. Very well done on ending it with him.

Queenie6655 · 25/07/2021 22:45

You poor thing

Sounds like you have done your very best

He is truly awful

Please call police ASAP

Also follow the wonderful advice here

Many great people on Mn helped me leave a man who sounds v v similar to your psychopath

Queenie6655 · 25/07/2021 22:47

@ShirleyDab

With his violent background and now these threats he sounds a really dangerous man, op. Do mess about and think he'll calm down or won't go through with what he threatens. Get yourself protected, report him to the police - there should be a domestic violence unit.

And plan your escape now in case he does come round to kick your door in. Do you have any neighbours you can confide in who would come to assist you if needed them?
Get and air horn and let people know you need help if they hear it.

These deranged, entitled men are capable of anything when they can't have what they want. Don't underestimate him, op.

Yes sadly

This is so true
Please reach out for extra help just in case

He sounds very dangerous

Tirediam · 25/07/2021 22:47

RUN

2bazookas · 25/07/2021 22:54

Protect your children. Sooner or later his temper, violence and jealousy will be taken on on them.

By "romantic", I suppose you mean "he knows how to get laid" .

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