Do I really know this man?

[DianeC2020]

Hi everyone,

Don't know where to start. I split up with my husband around 3 years ago (we have two DDs together) and about 2 years ago I started dating someone I've known for many years. I was struggling to cope and he was amazing in helping me get through some difficult times. At first, it was amazing. We shared many interests and he was brilliant with my kids. After about 6 months, he wanted to move in with me, have another kid and get married. I don't want any more kids and I am not keen on moving in with anyone. So it's always been a problem, because he doesn't think I love him etc.

Around last October, we started having arguments. It was usually about him not feeling like I care enough or respect his needs and wishes. I decided to have an evening with a friend of mine and my partner went crazy, asking me lots of questions and making out that I was sectrely cheating (I wasn't!). It got heated and he hit me. I have never been in an abusive relationship before, so I was utterly shocked. He broke down and talked about his childhood and begged me to give him another chance. I decided to give him another chance as long as he sought medical treatment. He did this, but now it's ended and it hasn't change him.

He has become really difficult. I have to be careful what I say to him because he blows up over things that most people won't be bothered about. I sometimes want time alone and when I tell him, he thinks I'm cheating and becomes sulky, telling me I've ruined things and don't love him etc. There has been no physical abuse since October, but he frequently turns up at my house and kicked my door several times because I wouldn't let him in.

My kids love him, but they haven't seen his abusive side. He is lovely, romantic and caring the rest of the time, so I am torn because I care for him a lot and my children love him being around, but I feel suffocated by him.

Should I push for him to seek more mental health help or should I walk away?

@Hidehi4

Walk away even if it’s not for yourself for your children. One call to the police from your neighbours if he is coming and kicks your door and social services will be involved and they will ask why you aren’t protecting your kids.

This.

Plan carefully how you are going to end it with him. It’s the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships. Controlling and paranoid men don’t take kindly to women walking away from them.

I’d advise that you tell him in a public place like a cafe. Don’t do it in your home or his home, unless you have another adult there with you (preferably a large male ).

Don’t let him back in your home again after you have ended it. Not for any reason.

Plan what you will do if he turns up outside your work or home again and Is violent and threatening .

What if he bombards you with phone calls / texts ?

Is he likely to turn up at your kids school?

Does he have intimate photos of you?

He might threaten to take his own life so you need to plan what you will do.

In case you have any doubt whether this is mental health, poor childhood, anger issues etc -
If any of those were true, he'd also blow up at other times. He'd blow up if someone looked at him funny in the street, if someone at work borrowed his coffee, if someone bumped into him on the pavement. He'd blow up at people who were bigger, stronger than he is.

He turns the charm on and off.
He only uses his intimidation on you.

It's not a mental health issue, it's not an emotional regulation issue, it's not an anger issue. His 'issue' is abusing you.

Blaming it on his childhood/past experiences- all abusive men do that!

Whatever the reason is irrelevant. Get out of the relationship and don’t go back.

Make a plan and be firm because it sounds like he won’t go quietly.

He is abusive.
Run dont walk.

Well done for avoiding having him move on and not falling into the pregnancy trap.

@DianeC2020 - read your OP again. And again.

In fact, print it out, highlight the bits that strike you as significant, and pin it somewhere where you (but not your kids...) can see it.

You know what to do!

Don’t walk away , run as fast as you possibly can. The situation you are in is legally classed as domestic abuse. Agree with pp that if social services become involved, which happens very easily as all it takes is a phone call from a concerned teacher/ member of the public, they will want to know everything about your current situation. Children who see abuse in their homes are classed as being victims of domestic violence.
If social services see you are allowing an abusive man to be around your children they will be deemed to be at risk and you may face them attempting to remove the children from your care.
Leave this man,he is bad for you and is most definitely bad for the mental and emotional well-being of your children.

Oh, and I second what @ROSEMARY posted. Absolutely! !!

He is an abusive man. Protect yourself and your DD and end the relationship now. Tell people close to you in real life so you have some support. Be prepared that he may become abusive when you end things. Police and women’s aid if you need them!

The red flags at 6 months showed you what was coming next. Don't be his victim x

Even without the abuse, you both want very different things. With the abuse, I'd tell him to bugger off!

Don’t walk away - run!

Fds don't meet him to tell him it's over.
Send one text telling him it's over and if he contacts you again you'll go to the police.
Then block him everywhere.
If he shows up at your house, don't answer the door and call the police.

Don't walk. Run and don’t look back.

He's needy, paranoid, controlling, abusive and violent.

And I bet he doesn't get violent with men bigger than him. No, just women weaker than him. So add bully and coward to the list.

Get him away from your children please!

There's something wrong with him and you can't fix it.

Walk away. There is no happy ending to be had here.

I'm sorry OP I know how much you want there to be a different answer but there isn't. Leave. It will get much much worse. You're already hiding things from your loved ones. Imagine having to hide the fact you're in hospital? That's where you're headed. He has been violent since, kicking your door in is violent.

It's a simple one. Do you really think things will get better? Time to move on.

Agree, don’t meet him to end it and don’t tell him in your home.

I lived with someone like this OP. I’m an intelligent well educated woman and I don’t know how I didn’t see through him after 6 weeks . It was all there, charm, funny, went out his way to do nice things for me. I was only 2 months out of my marriage and at a depressing time it felt so nice to have someone fussing over me. Warning bells started when he started making a fuss about me going to after works events, always wanting to pick me up (even though it was 14 miles away) then he gave his job up to start a business, but only wanted one where he could work 9 to 3 —(as I had a good job) then started calling me at work all the time about his business— it took me almost 4 years to get out and realise he was an insecure loser under a sharp dresser veneer. It ended with a moonlight flit whilst he was on a rare night out. Please don’t be me, it doesn’t get better with guys like this, they are best kept as friends in the first place and after a relationship with them you can’t be friends either.

Absolutely walk away.

@tarasmalatarocks Well done, and great post.

@FatJan

I can't believe I'm having to say this, but yes you should walk away from the aggressive, abusive, paranoid, controlling man before her destroys you mentally and physically.

This.

Get this awful man away from you and your children.

Contact the police about him.

Kicking your door?
Really?

For goodness sake, cop on and get him out of your life.

No wonder he wanted a baby🙄

Walk away now, these things only get worse with time. He'll age and you'll have a full blown mental health problem on your hands. You'll find someone else. He'll isolate you from family and friends and suffocate you. Your kids won't be missing much.

He hit you... run.

He won't stop he'll only accelerate. You've seen who he is so listen to it!