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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband thinks I'm a leech

110 replies

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 15:36

Husband thinks of me as a leech and blames me for his life. I read part of notes he makes and left in the study. He talks about feeling trapped. Reading this makes me feel so sad and confused. He has a lovely family life and we have a lovely daughter. We have no money worries and live a fairly relaxed life. He doesn’t seem able to appreciate what he has or to settle into life. He always refers to our family home (we are both in the deeds and mortgage and the mortgage was taken out based on my finances alone although he actually pays the mortgage) as HIS house. His mum have him some lump sums of cash which we put towards to house but nevertheless, as a married couple it is our house. I work full time and probably more hours than him but I earn less. I try to be glass half full and count my blessings but he is so depressing to live with. He is dofficult Eg will complain and say “I haven’t had any holiday this year” as if he is a martyr but the reality is that he hasn’t bothered to book time off! I asked him about paint samples a few days ago and he brushed it off saying he’ll think about it. I’ve decided to just choose one myself as getting him to engage is too much effort, but then I feel he will moan once it’s painted and say what he would have done. Hard work. I'm not leaving him but do need help with how to communicate with a difficult person like he is.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 24/07/2021 15:38

What's your relationship like? You've spoke a lot about your circumstances but not mentioned how you communicate or act as a couple.

BritInAus · 24/07/2021 15:40

You say you're not leaving him. Why?

Colourmeclear · 24/07/2021 15:41

Why aren't you leaving him? Just curious. What goodness does his bring to your day?

DoingItMyself · 24/07/2021 15:41

LTB. Come on, you know you're going to suffer more if you don't.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2021 15:42

I'm not leaving him

Why not? He despises you.

I do need help with how to communicate with a difficult person like he is

Communication has to work two ways. You can’t do this by yourself and he clearly doesn’t want to change. Because he’s a miserable bastard who is happy staying miserable and blaming you.

Do you want this to be what your daughter grows up thinking is a normal or healthy dynamic between two people who are meant to love, support and care for each other?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 24/07/2021 15:42

You could tell him that you read his description of you as a leech and that he feels trapped with you and tell him he's an absolute wanker.

I'm not sure there's much else you can say to a man who feels trapped with you as opposed to wanting to be with you, who feels you're a leech not an equal partner, who doesn't value your contribution to the house and considers it his, who won't give input into decisions then complains when you make them without him, who's just utterly miserable and depressing to live with but who you don't want to leave. 🤷‍♀️

Sundancerintherain · 24/07/2021 15:43

You cant communicate with a man who sees you as beneath him.
You are flogging a dead horse.

Maggiesfarm · 24/07/2021 15:43

Gosh what a moany man! Is he depressed?
I'd find that very difficult to put up with.

NowEvenBetter · 24/07/2021 15:45

Communicate all you want, this bloke doesn’t like you and openly hates his life. Good luck. Communicate for him to shut up if you’re choosing to live like this.

Umberellatheweatha · 24/07/2021 15:47

You're not reading him after reading that? Bloody hell op, the man views you with contempt. Why on earth would you stay with someone so bitter and twisted?

Umberellatheweatha · 24/07/2021 15:47

*leaving him

Roundearth · 24/07/2021 15:47

why would you want to stay with someone who feels trapped being with you? release the trap!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2021 15:50

And you do not want to leave him because.....

What are you so afraid of?

He is abusive and that is also why you’re having problems communicating with him. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

Would you want your daughter to have a relationship like yours is, for her husband to describe her as a leech?. No you would not so why is this relationship apparently good enough for you?.

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/07/2021 15:55

What an arsehole.

If you don’t leave him what can anyone say? “Ouch someone keeps hitting me with a hammer!” Well move away from them. “No, can’t. Ouch, ouch!”

stayathomegardener · 24/07/2021 16:00

Think I'd take a photocopy of those notes as a reminder going forward and I'd be sorely tempted to scrawl across it in big letters "this leech has had enough!" before I started divorce proceedings.

5zeds · 24/07/2021 16:03

Tell him you read it and see what happens?

Fireflygal · 24/07/2021 16:04

He has a victim mentality and paints you as his persecutor. Calling you a leech shows his contempt for you and is a high predictor that the marriage won't last.

I'm sure he is telling others that you are also a leech. How does that feel?

How long have you been together?

AddressLabel · 24/07/2021 16:06

Write something similar expressing how you feel and accidentally leave it out for him to read

Ifitquacks · 24/07/2021 16:08

I mean this kindly, but if you don’t leave, don’t you think there’s a high possibility of him leaving you? For whatever reason he’s not happy and is blaming that on you. It doesn’t sound like the makings of a long and happy marriage.

tarasmalatarocks · 24/07/2021 16:09

I think the problem is OP once you have either heard or read (in my case I read stuff too) how your H feels then the problem is it’s almost impossible to feel the same way about them. If I was you I would look at getting out- it’s unlikely to get better. I didn’t but now wish I had when it was fresh

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 16:09

He hasn't actually called me a leech... I just feel like that's how he views me! In some ways, if I just wanted a housemate who doesn't really input much then he's easy to live with. He's financially stable, doesn't have any hobbies, does a reasonable amount of house jobs..... but he cannot take initiative at all and then calls me controlling! I have no idea how to explain to him that if he fails to come up with ideas... I will and they will probably be my choices! I ask him if he wants to come for a meal with me, watch something on telly, etc and he usually would rather spend time alone. He simply prefers not to talk. So I have somewhat given up! There is only so much - not now I'm driving, or not now I'm tired or not now I'm trying to read you can be bothered to fight against. So I'm basically saying he is easy to live with mostly but unfulfilling and very hard if you want an actual relationship.

OP posts:
pointythings · 24/07/2021 16:10

Your husband holds you in contempt. There's no coming back from that. This isn't the kind of relationship you want your DD to see modelled all her life. You need to leave - you work, you're in s strong financial position and you'll have assets. Let him make a go of it alone, he'll soon learn how much of a 'victim' he was in his cushy life with you.

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 16:10

And yes, posters who say he has a victim mindset are so right!

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 24/07/2021 16:11

Yeah sorry OP but there's no other advise other than ltb in this case. He isn't 'difficult' he is just plain nasty. You cant talk respect into anyone, they have it for you or they don't. Theres no fixing this. Lead by example and show your child not to stay in bad marriages with men who disrespect them.

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 16:15

@Ifitquacks doubt he would leave me. It would take initiative!

Also he had been writing i his notes about finding a flat etc for over 3 years but hasn't as yet. It's a fantasy in his head that he would be better off not trapped eg a mid life crisis.

As an example of initiative- he has found a new car her really likes. He says he needs a new car as his is fairly old. He has more than enough money in cash to buy car. I'm not into cars and couldn't imagine spending £30k on a new car! I'm not against it but neither am I encouraging. Basically said which one out of his shortlist I thought was best. He reports to his counsellor that I'm stopping him buying the car!? Basically because I'm not actually saying, right, let's buy the car this weekend and spoon feeding into it, he can't do it! He simultaneously wants my approval and control and also blames me for controlling him. It's weird. He also really wanted a canoe. Again, I said up to him but he would need to think about a roof rack or a trailer and how to store the canoe. Because I haven't actually researched these for him and solved the problem he hasn't bought the canoe but in his head it's my fault because he's trapped by me.

OP posts: