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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband thinks I'm a leech

110 replies

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 15:36

Husband thinks of me as a leech and blames me for his life. I read part of notes he makes and left in the study. He talks about feeling trapped. Reading this makes me feel so sad and confused. He has a lovely family life and we have a lovely daughter. We have no money worries and live a fairly relaxed life. He doesn’t seem able to appreciate what he has or to settle into life. He always refers to our family home (we are both in the deeds and mortgage and the mortgage was taken out based on my finances alone although he actually pays the mortgage) as HIS house. His mum have him some lump sums of cash which we put towards to house but nevertheless, as a married couple it is our house. I work full time and probably more hours than him but I earn less. I try to be glass half full and count my blessings but he is so depressing to live with. He is dofficult Eg will complain and say “I haven’t had any holiday this year” as if he is a martyr but the reality is that he hasn’t bothered to book time off! I asked him about paint samples a few days ago and he brushed it off saying he’ll think about it. I’ve decided to just choose one myself as getting him to engage is too much effort, but then I feel he will moan once it’s painted and say what he would have done. Hard work. I'm not leaving him but do need help with how to communicate with a difficult person like he is.

OP posts:
WhiskeyGalore212 · 24/07/2021 16:16

Well the division of assets in a divorce with his "leech" will come as a bit of a surprise to him then.

He sounds like a delusional abd miserable bastard.

I'd be working out my finances separated and making a plan to get rid of him via a good family law solicitor.

Just to add, he doesn't know he's living... many women don't work full-time after kids, they work part-time or not at all.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 24/07/2021 16:16

Sounds like the relationship is over.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 24/07/2021 16:19

I never understand why men like this get into serioys relationships, get married, especially have kids..... why.npt just stay a bachelor and count pennies as their hobby.

Is it for sex? To confirm to society? For cooking, housework etc? (All of which would cost him money if he didn't do it himself incidentally) .... ?

PartridgeFeather · 24/07/2021 16:19

Agree with pp. Sounds like he hates married life, but for his own reasons. And that's not your fault, nor can you change him.

But someone who moans about having no holiday because they cba to book any sounds depressed - again, he needs to take responsibility for his own health.

What do you want to do about it OP?

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 24/07/2021 16:21

This is an interesting one, you definitely both need to talk. How big is the income disparity, and why?

I felt a bit of resentment towards my ex who had just been coasting his whole life, and didn't take any challenges whatsoever. Whereas I always had financial security in mind, and did boring, hard topics, did work for free etc and did feel a bit annoyed that he didn't contribute, or try and better himself. Mumsnet would have called him a cocklodger. Money or not, we weren't aligned so I left.

Is this what's happening here? It's easy to just dismiss his actions, but he won't be operating in a vacuums. Ultimately he feels he can't talk to you. If you are happy with your job and standard of living, and he isn't, then there's a big personality difference and you're not compatible.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 24/07/2021 16:22

He reports to his counsellor that I'm stopping him buying the car!? Basically because I'm not actually saying, right, let's buy the car this weekend and spoon feeding into it, he can't do it! He simultaneously wants my approval and control and also blames me for controlling him. It's weird. He also really wanted a canoe. Again, I said up to him but he would need to think about a roof rack or a trailer and how to store the canoe. Because I haven't actually researched these for him and solved the problem he hasn't bought the canoe but in his head it's my fault because he's trapped by me.

He sounds like he wants someone to blame and something to be unhappy about all the time.

You've identifier it yourself, he's not pulling the wool over your eyes, you sound switched on. Honestly he sounds miserable, stressful and extremely frustrating to deal with.

QueenBee52 · 24/07/2021 16:22

I would not hesitate in calling him out on this bullshit OP.. pull that 'victim' rug from under his feet and remind him of a few home truths.. you are now in a partnership/marriage .. this happened when he said I DO... so everything you own you own together.. you gave birth to his beautiful kids .. which would have affected your earnings in those early days .. you work full time and still contribute to your shared home.. blimey I couldn't keep quiet to save aggro ... Hells bells call him out 🌸

WhiskeyGalore212 · 24/07/2021 16:24

He also sounds v Immature.

What's he in counselling for?

I don't think my there's effective counselling for being an arse hole.

Closetbeanmuncher · 24/07/2021 16:25

He talks about feeling trapped

Nobody held a gun to his head and forced him to impregnate and marry you!

He doesn’t seem able to appreciate what he has or to settle into life

And he never will; nothing will ever be enough or 'right'. He doesn't want any of the responsability that comes with being an adult and will wander through life miserable and permenantly dissatisfied.

I spent five years with someone like this. He literally sucked the joy from my life. I'm usually a pretty chipper animated person and by the end of it my whole spirit was just drained. Guess what - 10 years later hes still a soul sucking miserable bastard!

If you insist on staying with him he won't change and will be pissing allover your chips until the day you die. Only you can decide whether you can live with that.

You're going to have to be honest with yourself and acknowledge what being with him means for yours and your child's peace and quality of life.

For me it was intolerable I'm afraid.

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 16:28

Counselling for... his life?! I think his mum is messed up although he won't go non contact. He doesn't really have friends so I guess he likes talking to the counsellor. He doesn't tell me what he discussed but occasionally writes notes hence I know how he's feeling.

I feel bad because he did try to talk to me about feeling trapped and how he wanted to buy a flat elsewhere but still be married and to be honest I wasn't sympathetic- he's in a marriage... the marriage will only be better if he turns in and not outwards. Again, that's a sign of me being unsupportiveHmm

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1forAll74 · 24/07/2021 16:29

Is he like the Harry, who said he always felt trapped, and was discontented with all things.

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 16:30

He's also a decade older than me so not sure if that affects things. But generally I am an extremely loyal friend and love in jokes and banter and for me my work is all about the people. I like being around people and care deeply if people are upset. He is not like this. I don't think he has had a best friend since he was at primary school.

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R0SEMARY · 24/07/2021 16:32

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

You could tell him that you read his description of you as a leech and that he feels trapped with you and tell him he's an absolute wanker.

I'm not sure there's much else you can say to a man who feels trapped with you as opposed to wanting to be with you, who feels you're a leech not an equal partner, who doesn't value your contribution to the house and considers it his, who won't give input into decisions then complains when you make them without him, who's just utterly miserable and depressing to live with but who you don't want to leave. 🤷‍♀️

This. He doesn't like you. He doesn’t want to spend time with you.

He CBA to choose paint colours. He wants you to choose so that he can complain that he doesn’t like the colour and you are controlling. He likes being a victim.

He’s just staying with you because it’s convenient and less effort that leaving and having to be an adult.

Also he gets to blame you for everything that wrong in his life. If he left, he would have no one left to blame and he’d have to start taking responsibility for his own decisions.

How do you think that your improving your communication will change this? Do you think there are some magic words that will change who is?

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 16:38

I suppose by improving my communication I mean I need to pick my battles. Long conversation over when his last date at work is. He resigned. He said he didn't know. OK, so rougly eg august or September. His reply- I don't know I'm busy right now. I never get a holiday and I'm due annul leave. Me- OK, can you book something so we can get away. Him- I doubt it not enough notice now.

When I should have just not bothered asking! Not bothered worrying that he wouldn't get a holiday and stop stressing about it and just book something for myself. But it's not even that I just inherently care, it's that I want to try and sort things eg so we could have a holiday but he considers my questions irritating and meddling. And gets stressed by them probably because it's related to work and he doesn't seem to like any work he does!

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queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 16:39

I was thinking about drawing a little star or dot in my wrist as a reminder to just not bother asking and not to respond to snarky comments. I guess I can do that as that's in my control. But I can't get him to enjoy little jokes or banter.

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ElspethFlashman · 24/07/2021 16:45

You're living with your teenage son.

Who apparently deeply resents his Mum.

Do you two have a sex life still? I'd be very surprised if you did.

Ilikeknitting · 24/07/2021 16:46

I couldn’t be bothered to live with someone who treated me with such contempt. But I have a bit of respect for myself, if you’re happy to be seen as the doormat then carry on op. But I think this is only going to get worse.

QueenBee52 · 24/07/2021 16:49

@queenofcandleford

I was thinking about drawing a little star or dot in my wrist as a reminder to just not bother asking and not to respond to snarky comments. I guess I can do that as that's in my control. But I can't get him to enjoy little jokes or banter.

why are you choosing to live lime this .. 😩

HollowTalk · 24/07/2021 16:50

I'd buy him a canoe and drill a bloody hole in it.

It must be so depressing living with him. Don't you feel that tension in your neck and back?

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 16:50

He's complained about the financial split before and a lot of his money goes to investments. He earns nearly double what I do before tax. I've suggested that the fairest is just a joint account after he got arsy about money 2 years ago but he said no joint account yet. Then told me he has nearly 50k in his bank account. He isn't financially abusive and I have my own funds.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2021 16:52

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Did your parents live like this?.

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 16:52

@ElspethFlashman he chooses to sleep in the spare room because he needs space. He never wants sex. Yet in his notes he talks about wanting to be held and also lust!?

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CorianderBee · 24/07/2021 16:52

God. I earn less than my partner and I'd be devastated if he thought i was a 'leech'. Jesus. Id be seeing red as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2021 16:53

He does not want to share.

Do you not think he is financially abusive only because you have money you can yourself access?.

queenofcandleford · 24/07/2021 16:57

@AttilaTheMeerkat he is happy to pay for the food shop/meals out etc but not keen to have a joint account. It's really hard to sit down and discuss money with him. Recently he wanted to pay off the mortgage (about 40k was needed) and asked me for 15k. I didn't have this so transferred 10k and he did 25k. Probably fair even though not equal if that makes sense. He has more money. But because not equal he deems it not fair.

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