Husband thinks I'm a leech

[queenofcandleford]

Husband thinks of me as a leech and blames me for his life. I read part of notes he makes and left in the study. He talks about feeling trapped. Reading this makes me feel so sad and confused. He has a lovely family life and we have a lovely daughter. We have no money worries and live a fairly relaxed life. He doesn’t seem able to appreciate what he has or to settle into life. He always refers to our family home (we are both in the deeds and mortgage and the mortgage was taken out based on my finances alone although he actually pays the mortgage) as HIS house. His mum have him some lump sums of cash which we put towards to house but nevertheless, as a married couple it is our house. I work full time and probably more hours than him but I earn less. I try to be glass half full and count my blessings but he is so depressing to live with. He is dofficult Eg will complain and say “I haven’t had any holiday this year” as if he is a martyr but the reality is that he hasn’t bothered to book time off! I asked him about paint samples a few days ago and he brushed it off saying he’ll think about it. I’ve decided to just choose one myself as getting him to engage is too much effort, but then I feel he will moan once it’s painted and say what he would have done. Hard work. I'm not leaving him but do need help with how to communicate with a difficult person like he is.

@queenofcandleford, I understand your confusion, the negatives parts are not the whole man and I'm sure at times he may appear normal however the underlying theme will be downwards.

Couples counselling does not work for abusive situations and as you rightly say he will turn it around on you and use the sessions to further blame you.

Unfortunately you can't change him because at his age he is in a fixed personality state. I think overtime you will be in a position mentally and emotionally to walk away but with a small child and baby on the way it might not be now.

Talk to family and friends and get counseling if you can but it needs a counsellor who has experience of toxic people. There are lots of resources online and you'll find people who are going through what you are.

In the short term, I would stop allowing him to paint himself as the victim and you as the person who stops him doing things. eg

him: 'I want to buy that car'. You: Great idea, I think you should'.
him: 'I want to have my own flat'. You: 'Fair enough, I understand. Go for it'.

He can't accuse you of stopping him if you're supportive, and it will make clear that it's only him stopping himself doing things. If he raises it again you can remind him 'oh yes I thought that was a great idea, what have you done about it?'. Even remind him proactively: 'Have you test driven that car you're buying yet? Exciting getting a new car isn't it'.

Make it impossible for him to claim you are controlling or stopping him being happy.

In the medium / longer term, I couldn't live like this. He will continue to drag you down, and your DC too, and at the end of the day he will blame you. If you split now, better for you, better for your DC, and it will show your husband he has noone to blame but himself.

I think I'd approach it as 'I know you aren't happy. You don't like being with me. You don't want to do anything fun with me. You see me as a barrier to your happiness. I think we should split. It would be better for all of us as your moods are bringing the whole family down'.

When is your 2nd child due OP?
Do you have any real life support ?

@Sundancerintherain

You cant communicate with a man who sees you as beneath him. You are flogging a dead horse.

Yeh, you were happy but he makes it clear he isnt. He sees you as a leech but you work full time !!! Even if you werent bringing in any CASH it'd be an ugly mindset to look at your own wife and see not a wife in your corner but a "leech"

Why have you ruled out splitting up?

He isnt happy. You are not happy that he isnt happy.

You are pushing water up hill here.

With martyrs in denial who project everything outwards, you have to accept that they blame you for everything.

Live with it but from a distance. Detach from caring.

I now accept that my parents think they have the right to hurt me and that i must respect their right to be hurtful and be ok with that. That is a core belief they have; that they could not hurt me and that im offending them if i say i am hurt.

There is a resolution of sorts there. No more asking them to acknowledge that they hurt me, no more asking them to acknowledge that all i "did' was tell them that they hurt me.

Now i just accept that my feelings are perceived to be an act of aggression i perpetrate against them.

They're just not capable of seeing it clearly so i have detached

It is all you can do with martyrs because they never take any responsibility

To clarify I do think they're incompatible personality wise, but it doesn't take away from the fact that her husband is an intolerable, self pitying man baby.

She's not to blame at all but I do think she needs to be honest with herself and stop flogging the dead horse.

@queenofcandleford - sorry that he has ruled out getting help for himself In any case, the responsible thing to do would be for him to sort this out which it doesnt sound like he is prepared to do. Sounds like a no win situation here, I am so sorry.

@queenofcandleford

how are you 🌸

You absolutely can leave him. Anytime. You are married to someone who doesn’t like you very much! You’re in a very lonely marriage

Agree wholeheartedly with @layladomino advice, I would turn it on him and move him to make his decisions and support him so he can't say anything. However this sounds such a forced way to live your life with someone. I understand you don't want to leave so I guess you just have to put up and hope things change.

However sounds like he has a lot of resentment which he is protecting onto you. I would also protect myself just in case he decides to leave.