Husband thinks I'm a leech

[queenofcandleford]

Husband thinks of me as a leech and blames me for his life. I read part of notes he makes and left in the study. He talks about feeling trapped. Reading this makes me feel so sad and confused. He has a lovely family life and we have a lovely daughter. We have no money worries and live a fairly relaxed life. He doesn’t seem able to appreciate what he has or to settle into life. He always refers to our family home (we are both in the deeds and mortgage and the mortgage was taken out based on my finances alone although he actually pays the mortgage) as HIS house. His mum have him some lump sums of cash which we put towards to house but nevertheless, as a married couple it is our house. I work full time and probably more hours than him but I earn less. I try to be glass half full and count my blessings but he is so depressing to live with. He is dofficult Eg will complain and say “I haven’t had any holiday this year” as if he is a martyr but the reality is that he hasn’t bothered to book time off! I asked him about paint samples a few days ago and he brushed it off saying he’ll think about it. I’ve decided to just choose one myself as getting him to engage is too much effort, but then I feel he will moan once it’s painted and say what he would have done. Hard work. I'm not leaving him but do need help with how to communicate with a difficult person like he is.

I't sounds like you'd be happier without him at this point. Doesn't matter about the lack of a joint account; half of it will be yours if you divorce him.

I understand that leaving would be daunting OP.

I do.

But you will be lonelier living with him than you ever would be by yourself.

And his misery will encroach on the happiness you will feel with your baby.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who made it so blatantly clear he didn’t want to be with me.

He wants you to mother him-he's emotionally stunted

On paper does he think you're a leech who's trapped him?

@EKGEMS I think you might be right, but mother him in the weird way his narcissistic mother did. I'm not naive- I'm not perfect... I'm a bit messy with my clothes and don't get up as early as I should at the weekend but I'm a fundamentally good person. I could be so loving to him if he could just open up and reciprocate but I recognise that I've shut down to protect myself.

SMH, oh OP...

I really can't see how you think the two of you work on paper?? You have massive fundamental personality differences, pretty much to the point of being polar opposites.

From where I'm sitting it looks like hes realised this and wants out but is too lazy to do it while you're a few pages behind pushing on with your fingers stuffed firmly in your ears.

I still think that he's an absolute soul sucking drain of despair and think you should consider your life without him although appreciate this is alot more difficult seeing as you're pregnant again.

What a pickle.

@Sundancerintherain

You cant communicate with a man who sees you as beneath him. You are flogging a dead horse.

Oh, but you can.

Through a shit hot lawyer.

It doesn't surprise me that he has a narcisstic mother. He behaviour is very typical of someone who has grown up without nurturing or empathy. Victim mentality, devaluing a spouse being passive and then accusing the spouse of controlling is textbook covert narcisstic behaviour.

Also a trigger to the devaluing can be commitment such as marriage or child birth or increase in status, such as a big job.

What is his relationship history? This will give you an indicator as to how he will exit your marriage. Does he seem to care about his image, so he behaves better in front of people?
Do you have much family support ?

We only have onside of this OP thread title DH thinks I'm a leech and then further down you said she hasn't said it .

@rwalker

We only have onside of this OP thread title DH thinks I'm a leech and then further down you said she hasn't said it .

We generally only have one side of any thread.

@rwalker yes he 'thinks'. I infer that he thinks that by things he says eg this is my house, I bought the food etc.

@Fireflygal he had various relationships in his 20s which didn't last. He was with a woman who was keen to settle down but it ended (I don't know how as I didn't know him then) because she thought they were too serious. He did what I would consider a first love but even with her he said it was very fiery and plates could be thrown in an argument etc (I am not into this sort of relationship at all!). He didn't meet me till he was in his 30s and thinking that he wanted a wife (I suppose in theory).

Presumably he wasn't like this when you married. He sounds depressed to me, if his dm is so bad you think NC would not be off the table he could be living with a lot of trauma and damage. It sounds like he has no agency in his life at all, his locus of control is very much elsewhere and not within, no wonder with that works view you seem controlling when actually you're just a person in the driving seat of your own life.
Self awareness, a desire to improve and therapy could probably help but you can't force him to want it sadly.

Works view = world view

@PieceOfString, he is in counselling but he seems to be using it to validate his feelings rather than get genuine insight.

Ime, Victims happily indulge in counselling but its never plan on accountability. They just want to tell an outsider how awful their life is with their spouse.

@queenofcandleford, you may not be ready to leave for a number of reasons and it often takes a while to realise your marriage isn't "normal" and won't improve. Hope takes a while to be extinguished as no one enters marriage thinking they will divorce.

In the meantime maintain your independence, save when you can and try to put yourself in a good financial position. Observe his behaviour rather than obsorb it. Maybe start a journal (but keep it hidden) and focus on your feelings. A stressful relationship where you feel your partner is against you can cause adrenalin fatigue that leads to poor physical health so do what you can to lower stress levels.

Talk to family but accept that they might not understand. If they don't have experience of a toxic person they just won't be able to relate to your experience

not now I'm driving, or not now I'm tired or not now I'm trying to read

This seems like passive aggressive behaviour. If you want something he will thwart you - I wonder if his Ex felt so frustrated she would smash plates??

Ok, so just a thought - is he depressed - in which case he may have a chronic negative thinking pattern and feelings of being overwhelmed. Or anxious, which may also make him feel that he cannot cope with things, and then feels frustrated or upset. Or perhaps has low testosterone. Whatever the reason though, if he is not committed to working on your relationship and changing, you may as well end things because it just sounds miserable. As others have said, the counselling could just be validating his view, rather than holding him accountable. Couples counselling may be helpful.

@Dontwatchfootball I've suggested low t and depression. He says he isn't depressed because when he goes away by himself he feels fine. I get that though because I feel better on holiday etc... everyone does because you can forget about the stresses of everyday life. He doesn't seem keen to investigate low t. I'm beginning to think he just isn't compatible with family life and thinks he's above the drugery of day to day stuff. I really try think positively and be grateful for something each day. I also don't judge myself... if I'm feeling a little tired then I will let DD watch some telly and take a nap for example. I don't sweat the small stuff!
when I had DD I was really struggling with returning full time, especially as he was part time then and I suggested another role that was less intense but less well paid. He was totally unsupportive so I didn't take it and probably for the best so I can support myself should I need to in the future. Ironically, I think he actually would like be to be a SAHM and be a house servant type thing but his mum has a really low opinion of Sahm so sub consciously effects him.

Have you ever thought he might be depressed?

I read his diaries from when he was in his 20s. Interesting. It's like he put on an act when I met him. He is exactly the same man 20 years on from his 20s, except he seemed more honest in those diaries... eg he didn't have anyone to blame and accepted his own personality fault even writing that he is arrogant and thinks he better than others !

I don't agree with the posters who are suggesting he's depressed or that you're incompatible, or at fault in anyway.

He seems like an absolute wanker.

Doubt he's going to change.

I'd be getting your ducks in a row.

OP this all sounds terrible. What are you getting from this relationship? He won't change, there's not a thing you can do to manage this man not be a prick.

Neither of you are trapped, you’re just intent om inflicting this miserable existence on your children. You staying has nothing to do with your marriage vows, staying with someone who barely disguises their contempt for you suggests something else and only you can uncover what that something else is. Please engage a counsellor for yourself because you planned a pregnancy as some kind of Hail Mary for a relationship that you know died a long time ago, subconsciously you planned your own so called entrapment.

You and your children are worth more than this and the sooner you really accept this, the better your future will be because you won’t waste more time waiting for him to be someone he isn’t and more importantly, doesn’t want to be.

I'd let him get the flat he wants, personally.

Have you discussed how that would work, and what he means by 'still being married'?

@saraclara that was a while ago re the flat and I've never stopped him. But I'm not prepared to enable him eg but encouraging him because he turns it around and says queenofcandleford clearly wants me to leave. He makes it about it me and essentially my fault rather than him accepting that he isn't cut out for family life.