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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s not ready for a relationship but wants me to be loyal

110 replies

Wateringca · 20/07/2021 09:36

So I know I’ve let this go on far too long but I’ve been seeing a guy on and off for a year. He sat me down about 3 months into dating and told me he isn’t ready for a relationship. Despite me wanting a relationship I carried on seeing him, not because I thought I would change his mind but I thought I could cope with it.
We agreed to only sleep with each other and he always says he feels horrible at the thought of me with another man, he’s told me he loves me. We talk all day every day, and have met each other’s family and friends.

Recently I went on a date because I had enough of feeling so worthless. He found out and got upset saying he can’t believe I would do this as we’ve been so good recently, he said him not being ready for a relationship has nothing to do with me but it obviously does. He’s been in relationships before me. He said he knows he needs to allow me to be happy but it still upsets him.

I know I need to end it but I’m sat here in tears at the thought of ending it. When I said we were at a dead end and will never be together he asked me is that what I think. Like what is with all these games. Of course if he loved me and didn’t want me to be with anyone we would be together. I feel like such an idiot, it feels so nice when we’re together but I’m just stuck

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 20/07/2021 19:23

The right man will want to be with you properly. He liked having you on the hook and was outraged that you weren't sitting around waiting for him to make your dreams come true and finally deign to be in a relationship with you Hmm

Block and move on, you deserve better than this weird non relationship relationship.

Mojitoqueen · 20/07/2021 19:41

Well of course you don’t feel good enough. Of course you feel worthless, of course your self esteem is rock bottom. You are literally abandoning yourself, your not living in alignment. You are pouring your energy, all your good vibes, time and effort into this man and getting nothing back…because that’s the deal right? You keep giving him girlfriend privileges while you settle for crumbs? He’s told you clearly, that’s the deal. So you can’t complain about it can you?
The bottom line is you are worthy of effort, commitment, communication, energy and love. You need to stop this nonsense and give yourself all of that. If your not available to give yourself all that, your not available to receive it….you are treating yourself like shit putting up with this and getting shit back.

Step up. Get rid of him. You are so much fucking better. You are completely worthy of everything you want. You can’t change or fix him or convince him to love you, and your best self will never be enough for him because he is completely wrong for you. He is emotionally unavailable and it has nothing to do with you, it’s his own shit and it won’t change.

EmmaOvary · 20/07/2021 21:41

Your next fella awaits. He's much nicer.

Newjobcrap · 20/07/2021 22:40

Honestly, I've been there, done that and got the t-shirt.

Same here. OP, this relationship is going to end eventually. Tonight, tomorrow or in 2 years. The choice is yours. End it when you’re ready and don’t look back. Move forward, and make some exciting plans for your future. When you feel able, start dating and meet someone who loves you and wants to be in a relationship with you. Life is so much more than this! I suspect you may feel down about him because you don’t have much else going on right now which is understandable due to COVID - ignore me if I am incorrect. If I’m not, get into some new hobbies, join groups or start a course. Something to take your mind off him and build a positive life away from him. Hope this helps Flowers

goody2shooz · 20/07/2021 23:10

While you’re wasting time obsessing over this utter pos, you are not available to meet a decent man and have a proper, non abusive, non manipulative, HAPPY relationship.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/07/2021 05:53

How did it go?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 21/07/2021 05:55

He's a loser. And a tosser.
Bin him.

strawberrydonuts · 21/07/2021 06:35

So he's telling you you're not in a relationship but holding you to all of the expectations as if you are?

Sounds like a lot of hard work to me, not to mention confusing.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 21/07/2021 06:43

Hope you've messaged or spoken to him now. How dare he expect loyalty but refuse to give you the security you desire. You are worth so much more than just being an option for someone who will keep you dangling on a string. Go find someone who will happily give you what you want from a relationship.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/07/2021 07:17

He was the kid who didn't want a toy until his little sister picked it up and then would shove her over to get it back. Then repeated it when she went to play with something else.

He was the kid who took his football home if somebody beat him on a tackle.

He was the kid who didn't want a sweet because he didn't like them, but as soon as his little sister wanted one, he'd shove her out of the way and cram all of them in his mouth at once, just so she couldn't have them, even if it made him feel sick.

He was the kid who ignored his 'friend' until they played with somebody else and then he was horrible to them, demanding that they were his friend and couldn't play with anybody else - and then ignored them again when they did.

He was the kid who couldn't be left in the same room as his little sister without her crying for no apparent reason, her stuff always got destroyed or went missing and if she grazed her knee and got a fuss and plaster, would completely flip and howl that he needed a plaster too, complete with dramatic limping and refusal to put any weight onto his foot for at least an hour.

He was the kid, the teenager, the adult who doesn't a give a shit as long as nobody takes his unwanted property.

He is the person who doesn't actually want or like you, but doesn't want you to be made happy. He just wants to keep you hanging on to mistreat so that nobody else can potentially get 'his property'.

You've been seeing an overgrown 4 year old with Mummy/sibling issues.

Dozer · 21/07/2021 07:25

Stop with the ‘not good enough’: the only thing you’re definitely ‘not good enough’ at is avoiding and stopping relationships with losers.

You’ve made some poor choices here, not in your own best interests.

Stop all contact with him.

Original poster
Wateringca · 21/07/2021 08:26

Thank you so much again everyone. Predictably he was at work and I ruined his day by not allowing to concentrate. Honestly at that point I just said this isn’t fulfilling me at all I think we’re done and then blocked him while typing. I’m really proud of myself. Hopefully I can stay strong

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 21/07/2021 08:30

Good for you 👍

Now find someone who wants to spend time with you

Maladicta · 21/07/2021 09:16

Brava @Wateringca, celebrate taking charge and enjoy your freedom- you will find the right person, he most definitely wasn’t 🍾

Orgasmagorical · 21/07/2021 10:29

Well done, Watering. If you feel yourself wavering read over the thread again but hopefully you'll move on quite quickly Smile

FinallyHere · 21/07/2021 10:47

Hopefully I can stay strong

Screenshot these messages so you can easily look back and remember your thought process.

Your life will get better and better

Sakurami · 21/07/2021 11:00

Well done op.

When you're with the right person, there are no games and no headfucking. When a person loves you they want to be with you and make you feel like the loveliest person ever.

dryasaboner · 21/07/2021 11:32

Been there and honestly it's the most souls destroying thing ever. Sat on his subs bench for when he's bored horny or whatever. Men like this also do a great line in playing the victim

StrawberryMargarita · 21/07/2021 15:06

You've done the right thing, and can now find someone who wants the same things as you do.

SixesAndEights · 21/07/2021 15:18

Thank fuck you've got rid of this loser.

Don't relent!

Dozer · 21/07/2021 15:22

Good. Stop all contact, and you’ll feel better much, much sooner than if you entertain contact, angst and drama now.

There are ‘no contact support’ threads in relationships section for support and solidarity!

Bridezillamaybe · 21/07/2021 15:54

Op you feel worthless because the most important important relationship in your life is suffering - that's the relationship you have with yourself.

Why oh why did you decide that such a tosser is someone you think worthy of your time?

He sounds an utter fool. He doesn't want a relationship but wants to talk all day, meet each other's people, have sex, be exclusive. And then when you reasonably look elsewhere he plays pathetic games.

Get rid of this loser. You'll have a far far better time on your own and then later with a actual deserving partner.

Don't bother talking to him. Breakup conversations are for ending relationships which remember he insisted this wasn't.

Forget him!

Chocaholic9 · 21/07/2021 16:42

@Wateringca

They don’t have to go his way but when we’re together it feels so nice. It’s so much easier to not even mention the commitment or non commitment. It’s not even like other men aren’t interested. He knows this and it’s been every week he’s made comments about men interested in me. He said he’s finally started opening up to me and I hurt him. He has to worry what man is next. I explained to him if I was in a relationship I would be loyal
That's very manipulative that he said he opened up to you and you hurt him.

The reality is, he didn't want a relationship and won't commit. You don't owe him anything at all.

The fact is, he's using you as Miss right now, while he searches for Miss right. It's absolutely no reflection on your worth. You are worthy of finding someone who sees you as Ms right. But you shouldn't let someone treat you like this. What he's doing is wrong.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 21/07/2021 16:42

Well done. It may not feel good at the moment but you’ve dodged a bullet with this one. He wasn’t giving you what you need to feel safe and secure so fuck him. Onwards and upwards Flowers

Chocaholic9 · 21/07/2021 16:43

@Wateringca

Thank you so much again everyone. Predictably he was at work and I ruined his day by not allowing to concentrate. Honestly at that point I just said this isn’t fulfilling me at all I think we’re done and then blocked him while typing. I’m really proud of myself. Hopefully I can stay strong
Please do stay strong. You deserve something a thousand times better than this crap.