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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s not ready for a relationship but wants me to be loyal

110 replies

Wateringca · 20/07/2021 09:36

So I know I’ve let this go on far too long but I’ve been seeing a guy on and off for a year. He sat me down about 3 months into dating and told me he isn’t ready for a relationship. Despite me wanting a relationship I carried on seeing him, not because I thought I would change his mind but I thought I could cope with it.
We agreed to only sleep with each other and he always says he feels horrible at the thought of me with another man, he’s told me he loves me. We talk all day every day, and have met each other’s family and friends.

Recently I went on a date because I had enough of feeling so worthless. He found out and got upset saying he can’t believe I would do this as we’ve been so good recently, he said him not being ready for a relationship has nothing to do with me but it obviously does. He’s been in relationships before me. He said he knows he needs to allow me to be happy but it still upsets him.

I know I need to end it but I’m sat here in tears at the thought of ending it. When I said we were at a dead end and will never be together he asked me is that what I think. Like what is with all these games. Of course if he loved me and didn’t want me to be with anyone we would be together. I feel like such an idiot, it feels so nice when we’re together but I’m just stuck

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 20/07/2021 09:56

It sounds so desperate but why am I not good enough? I’ve tried so hard, I’ve also tried so hard to not look like I’m trying hard. It’s so exhausting. I just want someone to love me for me

Read this again @Wateringca

And again.

The answer is literally staring you in the face!!

Orgasmagorical · 20/07/2021 09:56

@Wateringca

They don’t have to go his way but when we’re together it feels so nice. It’s so much easier to not even mention the commitment or non commitment. It’s not even like other men aren’t interested. He knows this and it’s been every week he’s made comments about men interested in me. He said he’s finally started opening up to me and I hurt him. He has to worry what man is next. I explained to him if I was in a relationship I would be loyal

They don't have to go his way but:

It's so much easier not to mention whatever.
Every week he makes comments about other men being interested in you.
He's done you the great honour of finally starting to open up (if any of what he says is even true) and you hurt him.
He has to worry about what man is next.

Can you see how you're behaving, so that things do go his way, Watering? It's difficult to see when you're in the midst of it but from the outside it's clear who's calling the shots. I think you know that though

pinkyredrose · 20/07/2021 09:56

He's got you dangling on a string. Is he really worth the headfuck? Get rid and find someone who doesn't spin you lines.

Dontbeme · 20/07/2021 09:58

By the way OP, I bet you a tenner he will tell the next poor woman to get involved with him that he can't have a relationship with her because he is so fragile, hurt and sad because you "cheated" on him. He will use you to keep the next woman dancing to his tune while offering her nothing.He won't mention though how you were not in a relationship as he didn't want one. Men like this are always promising to reveal some deep layer of emotions but the reality is he is all surface, there is nothing further to him, this is him.

Original poster

Wateringca · 20/07/2021 09:59

It sounds so sad but I’m scared to let him go and he finds someone he wants to be with. And I’m just here alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wateringca · 20/07/2021 09:59

I’m going to text him later when he finishes work and end it

OP posts:

midsummabreak · 20/07/2021 10:02

You are good enough. He is not good enough for you.

You are worthy of a fantastic partner who is not scared of commitment and would love to be in a relationship with you.

Don’t accept his weak excuses and unreasonable demands.

Listen to your gut feeling on this- you are right to step away and date others and you are right to call an end to this when as you say, you have enough of feeling so worthless.

Stay determined to put end to feeling this way. You are right that this man is not going to stop hurting you and your are on the right track to move on.

Agree with others, he’s either already in a relationship that he is hiding, or he’s playing games. Either way he is a loser You deserve so much more.

PicsInRed · 20/07/2021 10:05

@Wateringca

It sounds so sad but I’m scared to let him go and he finds someone he wants to be with. And I’m just here alone.

Pity her. She'll win the grand prize of a mask with no face behind it, a hollow man.

Look, you can be free to have the opportunity to seek a normal, feeling human being - if you block him. This guy isn't love, he is literally your impediment to love.

He is loneliness.

Umberellatheweatha · 20/07/2021 10:06

It's not because you arent good enough it's because he is a nasty, manipulative shit who a. Wants to have his cake and eat it and b. Enjoys the fact that you are pining after him because it feeds his ego and he couldn't care less about your feelings.

He will treat the next woman exactly the same. He enjoys womens insecurity and heartache. He is a sad sad man who has no real humanity in him.

You'll be far better off free of a dickhead like that.

Dont let him convince you to stay friends either. He is not your friend. He treats you like an object.

CanofCant · 20/07/2021 10:06

@Wateringca

It sounds so sad but I’m scared to let him go and he finds someone he wants to be with. And I’m just here alone.

You won't feel like this though once you have had enough space from his mind games. He's sapping your strength and self esteem because it suits him to keep you that way. I know you are in the thick of it now and can't imagine him not being an important part of your life but the sooner you cut this dead weight the sooner you will start to appreciate yourself more and great opportunities will follow.

PaterPower · 20/07/2021 10:08

He’s a manipulative wanker. You don’t want or need that in your life.

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2021 10:10

Don’t let this man treat you like an old coat to hang on his hook and only take off if he’s cold

You’re worth so much more

FlowerArranger · 20/07/2021 10:11

I’m going to text him later when he finishes work and end it

Do it now.

Before you go all weak and wobbly again.

Do it now, then block.

He is not your friend and you have nothing to gain by drawing this out.

Original poster

Wateringca · 20/07/2021 10:12

I know he will say I’ve ruined his day by texting him at work and he won’t be able to concentrate etc. God what a knobhead

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 20/07/2021 10:15

Oh and please tell him that it's not good enough for you and that's why you are walking away.

Or keep it really flippant. As if you dont give a fuck about him. Like 'This doesn't work for me anymore. So, I'm drawing a line under it here. All the best and cheerio!'. Then just block him on everything. He deserves nothing less.

Don't let him convince you to meet in person to talk. His words are poison. 'Theres nothing to discuss. We are over'.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/07/2021 10:16

It doesn't matter what he says. If you've decided this relationship ( it is a relationship, albeit a crap one) isn't right for you, then him whinging about your timing is neither here nor there.
He says it's not a relationship. So he's got no leg to stand on, no grounds to claim to be upset. Text him, block and move on.

PickAChew · 20/07/2021 10:19

He wants you to commit to him but he doesn't want to commit to you.

I would say fuck him. But don't.

OrchestraOfWankery · 20/07/2021 10:20

@Wateringca

I know he will say I’ve ruined his day by texting him at work and he won’t be able to concentrate etc. God what a knobhead

So fucking what? He's ruining YOUR life, YOUR self esteem.

You do know relationships are supposed to be fun, right? Not one half tying themselves in knots dancing attendance on the other half.

He wanted you to be exclusive to keep yourself 'pure' for him while he no doubt scouts around for a better offer.

Placeholder is right. That's your role here, while your life slips by.

Umberellatheweatha · 20/07/2021 10:23

@Wateringca

I know he will say I’ve ruined his day by texting him at work and he won’t be able to concentrate etc. God what a knobhead

So you're supposed to hurt over his 'inconvenience' but he doesn't give a shit about your actual suffering?

Sorry but the guy is a headfucking wanker.

Bust tell him you're done, because his bs is boring the arse off you. And then block him everywhere.

CanofCant · 20/07/2021 10:23

@Wateringca

I know he will say I’ve ruined his day by texting him at work and he won’t be able to concentrate etc. God what a knobhead

I suspected this would be the reason why you would wait until the end of that day to text him.

Who cares if his day is ruined? Fuck him! You are still being too considerate to this joker who does not consider your feelings at all. Send him a short, factual and flippant message as suggested above and block. Of course you are hoping he will realise what a massive mistake he has made but he won't and anything he says now you can't trust. If you stay with him you can guarantee he will only let you down.

Guineapigbridge · 20/07/2021 10:24

He's Just Not That Into You

Every woman in her 20s should read that book.

YanTanTethera123 · 20/07/2021 10:27

He’s got you dancing like a puppet on a string, hasn’t he?
Sex on tap and zero intention to commit suits him fine. Bin him OP, you’re worth so much more than this.
And yes, he is a knobhead and who gives a toss if you’ve ruined his day!

FlowerArranger · 20/07/2021 10:30

he will say I’ve ruined his day by texting him at work and he won’t be able to concentrate etc

OMG the poor lamb... WTF? And how would you even know, given that you will have blocked him?

@Wateringca - you are a grownup. He has been using and abusing you. Why are you putting up with this? Why would his day bring ruined (!!!??) even be a consideration for you?

Please, do 2 things today:

Bin him - NOW
Read this book: Women who love too much, by Dr Robin Norwood.

Both, together, will change your live for the better.

mrstea301 · 20/07/2021 10:34

Honestly- relationships just shouldn't be this exhausting!! Every single relationship requires work, but this is just extreme. When do you think you'd be able to get a stage where you could actually relax and enjoy this relationship? It sounds like he just wants the best of both worlds, and to keep you dangling loyally on a string until he decides whatever he wants to do.

If he really wanted to be with you - he would.

I don't mean to be harsh, but please don't waste any more time on this guy!!

WobblingMoon · 20/07/2021 10:38

"We agreed to only sleep with each other and he always says he feels horrible at the thought of me with another man, he’s told me he loves me. We talk all day every day, and have met each other’s family and friends."

Yeah, that's a relationship pretty much. He's just a dick who wants to control what you do, but for himself to keep his options open. Raise your standards and you'll find someone better. You need to work on yourself though to understand why you're accepting this complete crap.

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