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Original poster

He’s not ready for a relationship but wants me to be loyal

110 replies

Wateringca · 20/07/2021 09:36

So I know I’ve let this go on far too long but I’ve been seeing a guy on and off for a year. He sat me down about 3 months into dating and told me he isn’t ready for a relationship. Despite me wanting a relationship I carried on seeing him, not because I thought I would change his mind but I thought I could cope with it.
We agreed to only sleep with each other and he always says he feels horrible at the thought of me with another man, he’s told me he loves me. We talk all day every day, and have met each other’s family and friends.

Recently I went on a date because I had enough of feeling so worthless. He found out and got upset saying he can’t believe I would do this as we’ve been so good recently, he said him not being ready for a relationship has nothing to do with me but it obviously does. He’s been in relationships before me. He said he knows he needs to allow me to be happy but it still upsets him.

I know I need to end it but I’m sat here in tears at the thought of ending it. When I said we were at a dead end and will never be together he asked me is that what I think. Like what is with all these games. Of course if he loved me and didn’t want me to be with anyone we would be together. I feel like such an idiot, it feels so nice when we’re together but I’m just stuck

OP posts:
Puditt · 20/07/2021 10:40

Oh op I've been there and done that. He told me he wasnt ready, couldnt ever see himself committing anytime soon, strung me along. Do you know what happened? He got a girlfriend pretty soon after I found the balls to stand up for my self worth. I then spent ages thinking why her and not me? Why wasnt I good enough.

The answer is you are. I was too. I was too good for him and you are too good for this guy. Someone else will come along and realise that. I'm now happily committed, and he is serial cheat. Even though he is meant to be in this relationship and content he has messaged me numerous times throughout and once even when I was pregnant trying to get his some. It's got NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with them. Guys like this have issues and always want their fun. It's great when your in the moment but there is no stability or longevity there.

Move on op. Allow yourself to find that person that can see how great you are and make you realise it too. You are only wasting your own time and rubbing salt into your wounds by continuing. I really hope you do end things and block him so he cant play the woe is me card on you. Because you know op if he genuinely couldnt lose you and cared that much you would be together by now. Dont settle for being someones cake on the side!!!!

Viviennemary · 20/07/2021 10:41

He is perfectly free to make choices. And so are you. But this is what he won't accept. He's a mega manipulator. Such a tired old tactic. Making out you are the unreasonable one. When it's him. Get rid.

Laurapb88 · 20/07/2021 10:42

I was in this situation once I let it go on for around 2 years in the hope that in the end I would be good enough I finally said enough is enough and ended all contact 5 months later I met my husband we have been together 5 and a half years and married 4 and a half with our little ivf miracle boy, do you self a huge favour take the leap end it and find some one worthy ❤

Branleuse · 20/07/2021 10:43

the man has serious issues.
You wont get what you need from him. If he wont even say hes in a relationship with you then what is it youre supposed to be loyal to? Youre single. Tell him to sort his own head out before fucking with yours

Noshowlomo · 20/07/2021 10:49

Oh I had this many years ago… we had been seeing each other for a year, on and off and when it was on it was so good and I was happy but it was mostly off! Anyway, it was off but we were FWB (and I desperately wanted him back). We had a weekend away as a group and he messaged before hand saying “when we’re away we’re together ok” as he know there were other boys going. I fawned all over him and was so happy. Anyway turns out he was already messaging many other girls at the same time and ended it shortly after that weekend. Wish I shagged loads of boys that weekend now. He went from relationship to relationship for about 8 years until he settled. Honestly he wants it all without committing and he’s manipulating you. He’s actually a massive fucking loser and you are well rid. This man doesn’t respect you at all.

Itawapuddytat · 20/07/2021 10:52

I was in a similar situation, years ago. And it lasted quite a long time ( more than a year). I thought I could cope too. And guess what, as soon as he met someone he actually wanted to be in a relationship with, he dumped me . And guess what, a month later I met my current husband ( and btw, his relationship with that girl didn't work out at all, he was still single 3 years later... whatever, I couldn't care less) Anyway, I know it is hard and painful, but let him go. You can't move on if he keeps you around, but only on his terms.

beigebrownblue · 20/07/2021 11:20

Time to love yourself OP.

Until you learn to do that a healthy relationship (not this one) doesn't stand a chance.

SortingItOut · 20/07/2021 11:35

You need to read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl to understand why you have spent so long hoping he'll change his mind.

Wombat64 · 20/07/2021 11:38

Date people who are enthusiastic about you, as you are. Not thinner, fatter, taller, more needy, less needy, different, just as you are now.

Twoforthree · 20/07/2021 11:40

Don’t text him. That’s an awful way to do it.

Ultimatum time. But you’ve got to mean it. If it’s just the thought of a relationship he’s frightened of, then he won’t want to lose you. Anything else is just wasting your time.

You have no choice but to force the issue.

zoemum2006 · 20/07/2021 12:00

I went through so many situations like this, constantly thinking 'what's wrong with me?'

When I met DH it was just so easy and straightforward. No games.

We've been together 22 years and I am still the same woman those other men mucked about.

It was NEVER me (well....apart from clearly having some slight self-esteem issues that made me put up with them).

AbstractEim · 20/07/2021 12:48

I was in a ‘relationship’ like this, we were seeing each other for about 9m, he wouldn’t tell anyone though and used to drop me at the last minute if a better offer came along. Was awful for my self esteem. I realised I didn’t actually like him as a person and the constant hot and cold behaviour was a tactic to get me to run around after him. Decided to dump him, he said something like ‘I was just about to ask you out to the cinema but I won’t bother now’!! I just laughed in his face! Had lots of other lovely boyfriends after him and met my dh who was always super keen to meet up and tell everyone I was his girlfriend. When u meet the right one you won’t have any of this drama, it’s so easy and fun and you feel loved and cherished for who you are x

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/07/2021 12:52

I do hope you've taken your kind, nice nature and given it a shake @Wateringca

Send the text right now and then block him.

There's no point waiting for him to step up to any ultimatum, you want a man to choose you to be his One, not to be told to love you or sod off. Just tell him to sod off.

ClawedButler · 20/07/2021 13:08

He can say anything he likes (I love you, I can't bear the thought of you being with anyone else etc.). But pay attention to what he does

He has different expectations for you and for himself.
You are supposed to be able to read his mind and compromise on your values, priorities and emotional wellbeing to accommodate his anticipated needs.
He reacts badly when you don't compromise, and stand up for yourself.

This isn't about you not being "good enough". It's about you not being compliant enough to want to throw out everything you want from your lovelife for the sake of his ego.

With the right person, this type of manipulation and game-playing simply doesn't happen.

ClawedButler · 20/07/2021 13:10

You're too good to accept the crumbs of this man's affection, and jump through hoops to even get those.

Courage, mon brave!

EarthSight · 20/07/2021 13:10

@Wateringca

I know he will say I’ve ruined his day by texting him at work and he won’t be able to concentrate etc. God what a knobhead
Then don't. Text him when he's at home.
seensome · 20/07/2021 13:14

It's painful reading this, definitely bin him off date others, just think all the time your being loyal to him your missing someone that could give you everything you want in a relationship.
In future don't accept this treatment x

Original poster
Wateringca · 20/07/2021 13:25

Thank you so much for your kind comments you don’t know how much they have helped. He’s text me but I haven’t replied. I will talk to him later I just want to enjoy my day in the sun first. Thank you again

OP posts:
camouflagejacket · 20/07/2021 13:33

Agree with absolutely every PP this is going nowhere and you're better than this. But I don't get the flip from 'accept it all' to text and block. I think you'd have more closure if you gave yourself a chance to explain. But only if you know you will stick to your guns. An old fashioned 'Dear John' letter otherwise?

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 20/07/2021 13:33

This man is trash, and he has got you just where he wants you. He doesn't give two shits about you, never mind what he says. Please get rid, you deserve better.

5zeds · 20/07/2021 13:39

When it’s right it’s much much easier than this and much more fun. How amazing to be free as the sun shines and the world wakes up.

Honeyroar · 20/07/2021 13:50

Be strong and intelligent. He will try all sorts of ways to try and persuade you to carry on if you dump him. He already started with his “I was just starting to open up”!

Tell him you don’t want to be a therapist, you just want a normal relationship with a mature man. Tell him he’s had months and months to step up but hasn’t managed to. Tell him perhaps he needs to go and get professional help before going out with anyone in the future - and keep repeating that if he tries to turn it round and make it your fault.

Yes it might be upsetting and hard to walk away, but you’ll be proud of yourself for doing it in the future. And you’ll never meet the right man while you’re hanging around wasting time on the wrong one…

YoComoManzanas · 20/07/2021 14:08

But apparently you are not in a relationship, so you don't need to dump him. Just be unavailable and gradually ghost him while having the time of your life with better men.

Malena77 · 20/07/2021 14:21

Another one here with similar experience. 5 years of this. Great time when together, perfect boyfriend, big love. And zero commitment for the future (well, not in actions but plenty in words, future faking skills were there).
He ended it once I demanded actions and moving the relationship forward. He was back on the dating scene within weeks.

It hurts because you want to believe things will change, you’ve made plans already, you dread being alone and you feel deceived.

They will not change. You’ll make new plans. You be ok being alone for some time. You’ll work through your hurt and come out of it a bigger person.

FinallyHere · 20/07/2021 14:37

That feeling you have about not being good enough, it is caused by being with someone who treats you so badly. Get rid and start building up your self esteem.

I will talk to him later

Don't bother, just block him.

Useful read Lundy Banford's book

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat