DH rages

[ASpoolofBlueThread]

Looking for a bit of a handhold...

DH has quite a volatile temper. I'm confident he wouldn't physically hurt me or DS12, but he flies off into rages and they are quite scary.

He went out this morning to get DS cash for school trip. He came back and told me the cash machine was out of order, then suddenly got in a rage and stormed back down the hall and I had to move myself and DS quickly out of the way as I was a bit scared. It became clear he thought he'd left his cash card in the machine.

He then found the money in the kitchen and I (stupidly) asked how he'd got it if the cash machine was broken. He started yelling that it was cash back, so I just grabbed the money and packed lunch and backed out of the kitchen leaving him to yell.

I went to the front room and watched for DS12's ride. DH calmed down and came and watched with me. He put his hand on my back which I really didn't want him to do but didn't want to cause a row. I was quite terse and quiet. DS12 said to me "shall we just put this behind us" so I felt bad he'd been exposed to this incident and my poor handling of it.

DH sort of apologised, saying he was sorry for his poor behaviour but it wasn't directed at us. I explained it was scary behaviour. I've now driven to the local supermarket as I need more cash and am currently sat in the car typing this. I'd really love to be in the office today but you still have to book in advance. I have calls starting at 9am so I need to go home, but I just need some space.

For context, DH doesn't go off like this all the time, but it's not uncommon, usually when tired or hungry. I know it sounds like a storm in a teacup, but it is scary. Not sure what I'm looking for beyond a hand hold and maybe some gentle advice?

My gentle advice is that he needs to get some help; what you describe is not ok and you shouldn’t blame yourself for asking him a perfectly reasonable question

Unfortunately I think this is going to get worse and worse as you find yourself tiptoeing around him, frightened to ask a simple question. Awful for your ds.

Absolutely non-negotiable anger management for him, and if it keeps happening you need to think about splitting up. Otherwise this will be a dark cloud over your ds's childhood and adolescence.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Did you yourself see your dad treat your mum like this when you were growing up?. What did you learn about relationships?.

I would seriously firm up plans to leave and seek legal advice re divorce. It matters not that you feel he would never become physically violent; he is already being verbally violent towards you and in turn your son and he is verbally terrorising you both.

Abusive men do not act nasty all the time because if they did no-one would want to be with them. However, their nice/nasty cycle of abuse (a cycle which you and your son are in) is a continuous one. His apologies are meaningless, it is only a matter of not if but when he will do this again to you and in turn his son. I would also think he does not behave like this to other people in the outside world, image to such men of being the nice family man is all important. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

Many people do get tired and or hungry at the same time and they choose not to act like your H does. He does this too because he can.
If life is hard enough for you in this house what's is like for your son?. What is your son learning about relationships here from you both; he's learning that yes, this is how men treat women and he sees you as his mum alternatively trying to pacify his dad (the Big Man who acts like a Giant Toddler) and shield him (not successfully) from his father's abuses of you and in turn him.

Do not enter into any form of joint counselling with him as this is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

You also need to contact Womens Aid here as a matter of priority today; they also have an online chat facility. Where else apart from MN can you get support; how helpful are your own family/friends here?.

He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. He can likely too control himself around other people so he does not have an anger management problem.

Look at his parents OP; what are they like?.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightfully pull him up on this. AM courses and such like are NO answer either to domestic violence which is also what you are describing here.

I grew up in a household like this OP and it's made me a very anxious adult who gets scared of shouting . Your son trying to diffuse the situation is heartbreaking. Don't let him grow up any further feeling fear and worry.
Lashing out because you're hungry / stressed is no excuse.

Does he do this to his boss? Colleagues? I would guess not. So he can control this. He sounds pathetic and you deserve a lot better.

Has your DH always been like this? Is he always prone to rages and flashes of temper?

Is he doing anything to stop them?

If he gets them when hungry or tired has he had his bloods checked?

My DH very very recently has had inexplicable flashes of ire for really no reason at all. It’s happened three times now and he’s terrified and upset and seeking help because it’s not him and he has scared himself and doesn’t understand why it’s happening. He’s also conscious that it’s putting me and our DC in harms way.

Your DH needs help, but does he recognise that he shouldn’t be behaving like this and how terrifying it is for you and your DC & his behaviour is not acceptable?

Ask yourself whether or not he behaves like this at work? I bet the answer you come up with is a resounding no!

He is choosing to do this to you and your DS because he knows he can get away with it so you may need to make plans to get both of you away from him.

DS's comment about putting this behind you shows that he absolutely IS affected by this behaviour. He is nervous of it and wants it to stop.

Well - if you need a handhold imagine what your 12 year old child needs. Look after and protect your child. You are currently not doing this.

you are confident he won't be physically violent but you are ushering your 12 year old and yourself out of harm's way

and your poor son trying to placate his father and save himself and you from further abuse

you are frightened to go home and you are SERIOUSLY downplaying his abuse as "a storm in a teacup"

This is NOT normal, please do something for the sake of your son.

I had a brief conversation with DH when I got back. I guess unsurprisingly he made a lot of excuses, hot, tired, hungry, are hurts.... I did point out that this felt like he was making excuses and that it wasn't ok behaviour. I told him he had an issue with anger and he needed to sort it. This was met with stony silence but hopefully it will give him something to reflect on.

I'm on calls til lunch, but will come back then, lots of food for thought...

Me too. This was my mother. Absolutely terrifying and I got out as quickly as I could and had v v little contact with either of my parents ever again. You need to safeguard your children

In a nutshell :

Your son trying to diffuse the situation is heartbreaking. Don't let him grow up any further feeling fear and worry.

Does he do this to his boss? Colleagues? I would guess not. So he can control this.

Abusive men do not act nasty all the time because if they did no-one would want to be with them. However, their nice/nasty cycle of abuse (a cycle which you and your son are in) is a continuous one. His apologies are meaningless, it is only a matter of not if but when he will do this again to you and in turn his son

You absolutely NEED to leave.

How can we help you?

You are married, so that's good. Do you own your house? Are you employed?

There IS a way out of this!

Would your DH behave like this in the workplace? Towards other adult males? If the answer is no, then he chooses to behave in this way. He chooses to behave in a way that scares his wife and child.

Your poor ds is learning how to be an adult from you both. He is definitely learning how to tip toe around angry people and smooth over other people's anger.

We all get angry. It is a human emotion. What we do with that anger is what counts. He was angry at the cash situation. He could easily have had a swear up in the car before he came into the house. But no, he brought his anger into the home and threw it at his wife and child. Making it your problem, not his.

You have 3 options. Stay and tiptoe around him. Stay but insist he engages in anger management/counselling and review after 6 months. Or leave.

I told him he had an issue with anger and he needed to sort it. This was met with stony silence but hopefully it will give him something to reflect on.

I wouldn't hold my breath. He will not 'reflect'. He'll be pondering on more devious ways to control you.

He is fundamentally nasty, and it's all about him and his need to be in total control.

He won't sort "it" as you want, its always someone else's fault (in this case yours and your son's) and never their own.

He does not have a problem with anger because he can likely control himself around people in the outside world. He does not ever behave like this in front of his work colleagues or in the wider world does he?.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour within your home. What you're describing here is domestic violence.

Stop with your minimising of his abuses of you and your son as "storm in a teacup" language.

Do not furthermore let your son see that you are potentially putting your husband before him. What are you getting out of this relationship with your H?.

If you are a public service worker and are a member of Unison seek their support too. They have legal helplines you can access.

This is not ok.
You have no blame in this and it’s awfully said that your son feels he needs to try and patch things up or calm things down.

This is all on your oh. He needs to make change or move out.

Oddly we have a similar situation happening with some people we know. It’s gone on a while and the children have been awfully affected as it has inevitably gradually worsened. The wife left yesterday with the children because she just couldn’t t do it anymore. I’m so happy she’s left because I could see/hear things escalating and the impact on the children.

An apology isn't enough in these circumstances.

My ex was very much like this. I used to have to constantly plan in my head when we would eat to limit the rage, how hot would it be, what might go wrong, etc. I've been out a decade but I still freeze if I hear a voice that's ever so slightly raised, even the TV has to be on low. This stuff says with you and whilst your head is telling you he won't physically hurt you (he's definitely emotionally and spiritually hurting you and your son) you are programmed to look for danger and there are a lot of of signs to pick up on. His body language, the level and tone of his voice, a reddening face, a clenched fist etc It's not wrong to feel tense and on edge when someone is intimidating, it's a perfectly natural reaction to someone who doesn't make you feel safe in your own home.

The stony silence shows he thinks if he ignores it it will go away and eventually you will stop asking him to change. He will have no concern for the collateral damage that has caused because he will think that only he suffers.

Does he ever blame you? Call you names or swear at you? If it's an anger problem he will lose it at work when's he hungry or in public when he's tired. If he waits until you are home alone together, then he thinks that the family deserves less respect than strangers.

This will not be a storm in a teacup for your son - it will have a profound influence on who he becomes.

You really do need to end the marriage.

This is a terrible environment for your kids. My dad was exactly like this. The hardest part for me as a child was that I literally never knew what would set him off. The unpredictability was the worst part. He would be fine, and then something really minor would set him of and he'd be raging.

As an adult it's really affected my confidence and anxiety. I went abroad at the age of 17 on an exchange programme. My host dad was the loveliest calmest person and it wasn't until then that it hit me how much my dads behaviour had affected me.

Out of interest does he do it at work, our or with anyone other than you and your kids? If not, then it's not an anger issue, because he's able to keep it under control when he wants to.

I’m with those who say get out. It’s no way to live and it will have a terrible effect on the mental and physical health of you and your child.
Volatile men having unpredictable rages are hell to live with and likely to get worse x

What @LitCrit said...

@LitCrit

This will not be a storm in a teacup for your son - it will have a profound influence on who he becomes.

You really do need to end the marriage.

Came on to say this. It will only get worse, especially as your son grows and becomes a young man who might not want to back down to his father's aggressive outbursts. There is a similar thread on here 'Step daughter/Step father' and the OP's husband is similarly aggressive and abusive to yours. It might help to read it.

Your husband is full of excuses but he will never change his behaviour.

Tired? Hungry?

He's behaving like a toddler except he has the stength of an adult male. Unlike a toddler though, he has far more control over his behaviour than you realize. He would not, for example, behave that way in front of his boss or in front of a gym-going man who's 6'5.

Yes a lot of women and men make those excuses, yet he's failing at one of the most basic things one could ask for in an intimate relationship, which is to at least feel safe and not scared of one's partner.

If this happens often, he's neurotic OP and by the sounds of it is ok with this. No matter how sorry he says he is, or no matter what excuse he presents, deep down many people like this feel perfectly fine carrying on the way the are because they are often selfish too. There's no real consequences for him is there here? At the end of the day he still has a wife and child with him no matter how unhappy you are.

Tell me, out of his own will, has he ever attempted to change this about himself? My guess is no because it doesn't really bother him that much. Doesn't mean you have to be ok with living with it though.

@ExplodingCarrots

I grew up in a household like this OP and it's made me a very anxious adult who gets scared of shouting . Your son trying to diffuse the situation is heartbreaking. Don't let him grow up any further feeling fear and worry. Lashing out because you're hungry / stressed is no excuse.

This. Your poor boy trying to regulate the explosive and then defensive reactions of the adults in his life. He's a child. Not even a teenager. He shouldn't be exposed to this and it will shape his adulthood more and more the longer he is in this environment. Living with an angry man is scary, you have the choice to leave but your son doesn't