ASpoolofBlueThread
re your comments in quote marks:-
"No, he doesn't do it with anyone else. I know it sounds like excuses, but I think he is masking with other people if that makes sense. I think he'd be horrified if he knew what impact his behaviour has".
Re your last sentence you think that perhaps because you are yourself nice, do not want to rock the boat and want to see the good in him. I wrote earlier that image is all important to abusers and he really does want to come across as plausible to those in the outside world. He probably is all sweetness and light to outsiders and work colleagues. Many abusers are indeed plausible to those in the outside world. But you know what he is like behind closed doors. Your son does too.
No he would not be horrified at causing you such mental anguish. He does this because he can and actively enjoys having such power and control over you and in turn his son. He cares for neither of you and sees you both as possessions for he to do with as he sees fit. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here.
"Still not convinced it's abuse. How can I tell?
I don't think it would come out as abuse on the freedom test or anything like that..."
Why not?. What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not just physical in nature.
Why not consider contacting Womens Aid if you are unsure?. What you're also referring to is called the Freedom Programme. The Freedom Programme examines the roles played by attitudes and beliefs on the actions of abusive men and the responses of victims and survivors. The aim is to help them to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess. The Freedom Programme also describes in detail how children are affected by being exposed to this kind of abuse and very importantly how their lives are improved when the abuse is removed.
Would you treat another person, let alone someone you purport to love, like he treats you and your son?. No you would not. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. That is correct, none. Your H crossed that line a long time ago.
"But will take the comments about impact on DS seriously. DS is very protective of me, which I had taken as a personality trait, but now I'm worried is symptomatic"
What is more important to you; remaining married to your H or your son?. You should indeed be worried about your son because he is being harmed here by remaining in such a household at all. You live in fear of your H as well and your son is trying so desperately to protect you from his dad. He is being traumatised by what is happening within these four walls. Your boy deserves a life free from abuse at the hands of his abusive dad too. He is learning about relationships here from you both; what are you teaching him?. He's learning from you that abuse should be tolerated and that you cannot protect him from same and not just because you are all under the same roof. It is absolutely no legacy to be leaving your son.
"We own our home, we both work, I have my own car and access to our finances. If I wanted to leave, I could. I'm not trapped".
Make a better life for yourself and your son without his dad in it day to day. You are in a good position to do this. You have a choice re this man, your son does not. Time and again on here and online you read about now adult children not wanting to have much if anything to do with their parents because of abuse directed at one parent by the other and therefore them within the home. They honestly felt or went onto realise that their mother or father put their relationship with their abusive man or woman before them. Staying for the sake of the children really does them no favours. Do not let that fate befall you.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Did you see similar too.