Red flags…. Here’s mine

[Anon778833]

I’m spectacularly naive. But I wanted to impart some ‘knowledge’ I have acquired re: dating. Men (because I don’t date women) who change your name to some schmaltzy nickname on FB messenger ALWAYS turn out to be more full of shit than a music festival loo. You have been warned!! ⚠️

reading about these men who criticise the way you butter your toast and the way you feed your cat and the way you handle your compost....

What goes on with them that they don't seem to grasp that you're a different person.

My x, who i somehow spent 7 years with, he was like this. I remember once I got the bus to wimbledon and he just went on and on about how the train would have been quicker. I said but I wanted to get the bus! He kept going. Kept telling me i should have got the train. He wasn't there. He was at work. But yet it bothered him that I had used the wrong mode of transport while he was at work. Oh God it was exhausting.

Told me I was chopping garlic wrongly, I never felt comfortable driving with him, constantly telling me when to overtake etc, even through I'm driving over 20 years, praising his own cooking to high heaven, never commenting on mine, belittling my home. The list goes on...

''chopping garlic wrong'' oh I can just imagine.

This is exactly the kind of bullshit I used to get drawn in to repeatedly when I was younger. Wouldn't tolerate it now.
I wish I could do my 20s and 30s with the personality I have now at 51

@Teatimes2 I live in a mid terrace house that backs on to another row of terraced houses. One man I dated referred to it as a little box house. I said nothing but kind of laughed at his delusion. He rented a room (the master bedroom with en suite) in the house of a lonely (?) older widow. The house was lovely and had a stream running through the back garden and a view of the mountains, it was detached and architect designed by some fairly renowned architect in the 60s. He thought that it was his house I think, mocking my little box house that I owned.

Mine is an apartment. Said he finds them boring. He considered it inferior to his house. Said I wasn't into and knew nothing about gardening... eh, I didn't have one. Used to quiz me about music... names of songs, year etc. Okay, I'll stop now!!

I know this is a controversial one but....

50-something, never married, no kids and no significant past relationships. This in and of itself shouldn't be a red flag, but it makes me nervous.

My last relationship was 50-something, never married, no kids and LOTS of past relationships. I now realise this was a red flag.

These pertain mainly to online red flags:

A band of female friends on social media who compete for his attention so he can play them off of one another for his own deluded pleasure.

Sexist, sadist posts and memes on SM.

Only Fans subscriber.

Teenage SM followers.

Broadcasts personal or MH issues to garner sympathy and attention, but does fuck all to help himself.

Terminally unemployed.

Oh yes. Over 50 and no kids, married. Relationships or no relationships = creep.

Like others

The "Nice Guy"

The "You aren't like other women" ....Err firstly yes I am and secondly what the hell is wrong with other women?

Anyone "taking on other people's children" DP gets really angry about hearing other people say this (even more so if they have the audacity to say it to him) he considers himself fortunate to be trusted in the family unit and he got to be a part of DC lives. He didn't take on anything and will point out I am perfectly capable of parenting without him. I didn't need to be saved.

TerraNovaTwo I was daft enough to get involved (in the loosest possible way) with one of those sultans who had an online harem. I matched with him on OLD, chatted for a bit, then he said his subscription was up soon and did I want to add him on Facebook so we could keep talking? Stupid me agreed, because we were actually getting on pretty well and I wanted to arrange a date (I should have just suggested that on OLD but there we go). Once I had added him, he more or less stopped responding to any messages, but he did make daily posts consisting of pictures of himself in his pants, doing the gardening or lifting weights, and all the comments/likes would be heart eye emojis 😍 from young women. It was fairly obvious he'd picked them all up online and he was only interested in getting a lot of women to simper over him and flatter his ego. Saddest of all, he would sometimes post about how he couldn't find a good woman to settle down with and how disappointing the standard on OLD was. Anyway, I unfriended him after a while, and even now, 8 years later, I occasionally come across his profile on OLD, still using the same out-of-date pictures that look nowt like him and bemoaning the difficulty of finding a decent woman. What a knobber he is.

Loves ‘banter’ = absolutely zero sense of humour unless it involves belittling others.

I don't know how many do this as it's obviously transparent narcissism, but boasting about themselves in a way that non-narcs don't.

'I'm shit hot at X'

'I earn £X,0000...' (or making sure you know how much money they have- my last one had a clip full of money so you can see a wadge of cash everytime he got it out to pay for a drink etc. He also casually happened to phone the bank on speakerphone and get the auutomated thing to say how much was in his account in front of me.)

'I'm very popular, everyone wants a piece of me'

'I was in Mensa but they wanted me on too many quizes'

'I worked on Y as they wanted some great Bs'

'I'm hilariously funny' +'my first career was as an actor/comedian.'

'I'm an emotional genius' (even slightly tongue in cheek.)

etc etc.

Saying their narcissism is how they deal with their insecurities.

Lies.

@ItPearl, gawd, what a prick. Good on you for owning your own home. Why can't they just say that ?! He was obviously jealous because he only rented a room.

Oh this was another boast one' - 'They're just jealous of the enormous cachet I have here.'

@me4real

I don't know how many do this as it's obviously transparent narcissism, but boasting about themselves in a way that non-narcs don't.

'I'm shit hot at X'

'I earn £X,0000...' (or making sure you know how much money they have- my last one had a clip full of money so you can see a wadge of cash everytime he got it out to pay for a drink etc. He also casually happened to phone the bank on speakerphone and get the auutomated thing to say how much was in his account in front of me.)

'I'm very popular, everyone wants a piece of me'

'I was in Mensa but they wanted me on too many quizes'

'I worked on Y as they wanted some great Bs'

'I'm hilariously funny' +'my first career was as an actor/comedian.'

'I'm an emotional genius' (even slightly tongue in cheek.)

etc etc.

Saying their narcissism is how they deal with their insecurities.

Lies.

Yes! This this this.

When we first met, my ex claimed to be an amazing speller The only thing funnier than this was that it soon became clear that he could not spell for shit.

@ChloeAndRadcliffe different person to mine, exact same traits. Absolute tossers.

Funny thing is, he posts lots of memes of Scarlet Johanson as Black Widow. If you've watched the movie, which has just been released, he is reminds me of the villain. A sexist, misogynist pig. He's revolting. I can't believe I once pined over him.

@me4real

I don't know how many do this as it's obviously transparent narcissism, but boasting about themselves in a way that non-narcs don't.

'I'm shit hot at X'

'I earn £X,0000...' (or making sure you know how much money they have- my last one had a clip full of money so you can see a wadge of cash everytime he got it out to pay for a drink etc. He also casually happened to phone the bank on speakerphone and get the auutomated thing to say how much was in his account in front of me.)

'I'm very popular, everyone wants a piece of me'

'I was in Mensa but they wanted me on too many quizes'

'I worked on Y as they wanted some great Bs'

'I'm hilariously funny' +'my first career was as an actor/comedian.'

'I'm an emotional genius' (even slightly tongue in cheek.)

etc etc.

Saying their narcissism is how they deal with their insecurities.

Lies.

Hallmark behaviour of a loser.

Men who are on a “journey” of self discovery or development (ie selfish and egotistical and shouldn’t get involved with anyone atm but too needy to be alone)

(Sorry if already mentioned!)

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

antwacky your husband clearly had good taste

At uni my housemates and I designed a ‘twatometer’ to try and filter out all the awful men we kept meeting. The list was pretty long to start with but we kept finding exceptions to the rule. The only rule that we never found an exception to was the pinky ring and 20 years on it’s still standing true.

I'd add bow tie wearers to this too. Never yet met someone wearing one who doesn't turn out to be either unpleasant or really weird.

I'm intrigued by the pinky ring rule. Never heard it before and have no idea what it signifies.

@ijsbear yeah, I'm a bit meh towards biw tie wearers too. I've always found those fellas to be really pretentious and up themselves or the type who want to make themselves appear eccentric and interesting.
@robotcollision I've no idea what it signifies either just that it gave my H the rage, he just couldn't stand to see them and always maintained that men who wore them couldn't be trusted.

@ArthurBloom

Uh oh, I say this to my partner every morning, is this bad? I've been saying this to her for the past 9 years, is this a cringey thing?

If you're in a good relationship and really think she's beautiful, it's lovely :)

it's when someone greets you that way when they don't know you or barely know you, or haven't even seen you. It's so insincere.

My friend has been known to say that to me in the morning and I melt. He's mistaken, but long may his rose-tinted glasses stay firmly attached :D