Red flags…. Here’s mine

[Anon778833]

I’m spectacularly naive. But I wanted to impart some ‘knowledge’ I have acquired re: dating. Men (because I don’t date women) who change your name to some schmaltzy nickname on FB messenger ALWAYS turn out to be more full of shit than a music festival loo. You have been warned!! ⚠️

Here's my contribution
Expensive watch in which he would not only tell people how much it cost but would ask them if they would like to try it on..

Said he wanted to have children so he can start his own gene pool

Saying he only likes the best of everything

Making ridiculous plans that change quickly with no effort to make them come true (cycle around europe, retire and live on a farm, sell everything a live in a yurt etc)

Calling other people 'boring' but never really does anything other than drink at the pub..

Drinking too much

Asking to borrow money..with a sob story attached

Being generous with himself but tightwad with other people

General childishness (blaming other people, sulking, stroppy, my dads better than your dad)

Criticizing your family they barely know

antwacky your husband clearly had good taste

At uni my housemates and I designed a ‘twatometer’ to try and filter out all the awful men we kept meeting. The list was pretty long to start with but we kept finding exceptions to the rule. The only rule that we never found an exception to was the pinky ring and 20 years on it’s still standing true.

@seensome

Asking for your number soon as you've introduced yourself, I like to build up a bit of good conversation first, the pushy ones to WhatsApp quickly or Snapchat normally don't have the best intentions.

Yes! Just had a bad experience with one of these. Learned now.

Tightwads are bad, but I also once had a date who massively raised his eyebrows at my buying us two more cocktails in a nice-enough London bar. I asked him why the 'face' and he said, 'Oh I didn't think you could afford it.'

Snobby bastard.

Crazy exes. Everyone is against him. Large numbers of fallouts with family/friends/ neighbours. History of being fired or leaving jobs often. Definitely more red flags than a Labour Party conference. Run for the hills and don't look back. On a personal level not allowed to see the kids makes me ask why and having been there before I just don't need the angst and drama that inevitably comes with this scenario. Also being old before their time is a no. I don't want to be with someone who acts like an OAP in their 40s or 50s. It seems surprisingly common. What will they be like by the time they are actually retired? Any in my day/young people nowadays/I don't get this strange modern world type talk is likely to get the perpetrator binned off.

I haven’t done OLD but once set up a tentative profile with some content but no photos and soon forgot about it. I still get the ocassional message from it and this week it’s been one guy openly dismissing the description of my interests (“I don’t know what that is, so no help to me”) BUT “you are tall with red hair and blue eyes so let’s meet up... how can I get a photo?” Erm, after that intro you can’t.

Also - blaming their life outcomes on others. Many examples under this umbrella from PP above!

[quote Zilla1]@Peoniesandpeaches

Have you really had someone try to order for you? What would they have been thinking that they'd know what another adult would feel like eating at that time more than the recipient? Red flag or gold medal winner at the Olympic group synchronised red flag waving championship?[/quote]
Yup and sadly more than one. One guy tried to order a salad for me while he ate a big hearty meal and the other tried to insist on ordering a steak to prove he was “minted” despite me telling him I was vegetarian… both acted surprised when I declined a second date.

What's wrong with 'Good morning beautiful' ?

I've had an older bloke insist on ordering a steak for me when I wanted a simple, small margherita pizza. Banged on and on about it.

So he then said we could share a small margherita for "entrée". I assumed he thought it meant starter.

He knew I was a vegetarian.

@Lenorestjohn

The ones whose wives/exes 'tricked' them into having kids. I'm childfree and when I online dated I had that in my profile which led to many 'fathers' messaging me about how they're childfree in spirit because their ex tricked them into children…one had been tricked into four children across 7 years aparently…

Then there's the other one who are 'basically childfree' because they don't see their kids so they won't 'interfere' or 'be a problem'.

And the other ones who 'will go childfree' for me… which means they'll cut contact/maintenance so we can date.

The first red flag is that they even message me when I've made it clear I don't want children in any way, biological, step, Foster etc. Not only is this trying to 'overcome' my boundaries but it also shows me that they're not putting their children first if they're willing to have a 'step mother' for them who doesn't actually want children! Then comes one of the three things I've put above and it's like a magician pulling a string of red flags out of his sleeve. Absolutely vile.

Also, more lighthearted and a smaller sample size… men holding fish in their photos - I've never had a good experience with one.

Tricked into having children? LMAO. Didn't they know what happens when men and women have sex?

@KatharinaRosalie

Very obvious really: Oh, your ex was crazy? And the one before that? All your exes are crazy psychos?

I can think of one thing they all have in common..

yes, i knew someone like this. his ex wives and girlfriends, who had been ok and stable before meeting him, mostly ended up with mental health problems. he presented it as that's why they split up, she/they had problems. but these problems only occurred after living with him...

@Cowbells she must've been bloody Penn AND Teller to trick him into 4 kids across 7 years 😂

@Umberellatheweatha Have you met my ex???? Lol he would do this ALL the time. I would say/suggest something then a few days/weeks later he would mention it like it was HIS idea! Would seriously burn my arse because he would deny that I ever mentioned it first.

To add to the list no —
-friends/hobbies/interests
-all talk and no action
-never laughs at your jokes

Oh my god...I've just finally broken up with a narcissistic, gas lighting, emotionally abusive arsehole and I cannot believe how many of his little traits are listed on here.

• No friends
• Regular fall outs with family
• EVERYTHING is someone else's fault, never theirs.
• tricked into marriage
• tricked into having children
• "I'm just me being me" 🤮
• no hobbies / interests
• crazy ex

"You're not like/ different to most women" or some variation of that.

I used to be flattered by that when young. I now realise it means, "I'm a misogynistic arsehole who thinks women are beneath him in general and am telling you this to your face while expecting you to be flattered because I'm pretending to make you an exception to the rule long enough to persuade you to sleep with me."

It took me an embarrassing long time to cotton on to what this phrase says about their opinion of "most women" and why that should be a red flag!

@DrCoconut

If only the whole world had flexed around his sorry arse and bad attitude, he’d have been successful in life. Poor guy!

The classic lines from my ex...
'my last gf was crazy, oh and so was the ex wife'

And three weeks in...
'I love you, I've never felt this way about anyone before'

6 months in...
An engagement ring on my finger and the night we celebrated it he had a massive go at me because a male friend of mine messaged him to say 'congratulations, MellowMelly is a lovely person and she's been so kind to me over the years. Look after her mate'.
This ended up in him ranting at me for 3 hours, questioning my past, saying he didn't really know me, it was awful. I should of run then!

Wish I'd known these red flags previously... all the same guy.

Lovebombed me totally. Thought it was romantic but was really just stalking.

Got cross when his 'crazy ex' wanted to 'babysit' their children

Always banging on about how sensitive he was and understanding.

Posted shitty memes on social media - all designed to garner attention

'Between' jobs - previous bosses were unfair arseholes.

Wanted to buy me a gift when abroad (early days) but went on and on sending links to perfume I might like. My only criteria was that I only use cruelty free products. He just killed it with the incessant messages - this one looks good. Btw this was research over a few days. Not stood at the airport gate. It was so intrusive.

Future faking... when we live together I'll bring you breakfast in bed every day. I'll get you your own kittens that you've always wanted...

He didn't understand my job and belittled it. In a 'fun' way though

God I bet there are more.

He was such an insecure arsehole though!

Oh also - 'I feel like I've waited my whole life to meet you'

We were made for each other.

I've never felt this way about anyone before.

Last one (still same guy) stated he was tricked into having children and they considered termination of the second as they weren't getting on well at the time.

I bet his ex wife knew none of this. Even if it was true I was horrified that he'd tell me this.

I agree, at my age, any man i dated who gave me a friend request from an account with a jaunty little nickname deejay young , id think one thing, where's your real account and what are you hiding.

I cannot be bothered anymore thank god

‘Why don’t you....’

Oh fuck off

These threads always make me laugh because my DH had a lot of these red flags and he’s seriously the best husband in the world 🤣 If I’d been on MN at the time I’d have never gone on a second date and would’ve really missed out. He had the crazy violent ex(she actually was), fell in love with me instantly, pushed for us to settle down quickly, was lavish with gifts, is over protective. I should’ve run a mile. 🤣 But he’s never put a foot wrong in 6 years.

My own personal one that makes my spidey senses go off is when someone says “what you see is what you get” or “I’m just too honest”. This means they have no brain to mouth filter in any area of their life and will constantly fall out with bosses, friends and family for being an arsehole.

"I like the finer things in life"

If they treat waiting or bar staff like shit

I agree @StormBaby - 'I tell it like it is', 'what you see is what you get','I call if for what it is'. Anyone who claims this for themself (male or female) I try to avoid. It usually means 'I have no filter. I don't think before I speak. I don't feel the need to be diplomatic or think of others' feelings'