Red flags…. Here’s mine

[Anon778833]

I’m spectacularly naive. But I wanted to impart some ‘knowledge’ I have acquired re: dating. Men (because I don’t date women) who change your name to some schmaltzy nickname on FB messenger ALWAYS turn out to be more full of shit than a music festival loo. You have been warned!! ⚠️

@CarnationCat

Asking where you are and what you're doing multiple times per day.

Or worse - shares location on iPhone. Yes I did this. I have no idea what I was thinking.

@rishisboater * Oh I also remember the guy who in the first date told me he was pissed off his ex wife got half of HIS house after "sitting on her arse" for 8 years.

Turned out they had 3 kids in that, 4,6 and 8*

Yes! I had one of these. He had his own business and stayed away during the week, but apparently his ex wife was a crook and took all his hard earned cash and house. But he was happy to leave her at home to look after the 3 dc whilst he swanned off to build his business up.

'I say it like it is'

Translated to I'm a rude twat who will happily insult people under the guise that he's 'saying it as it is'

@EarthSight

What's wrong with 'Good morning beautiful' ?

Makes me think of Swiss Tony 🤢

@rishisboater. See also— university of life

Love this thread!
Here’s my contribution based on my last two relationships (some of this is repetition as they’re all boringly predictable)

No contact with adult children (both)
My ex, and the ex before that, and the ex before that were all crazy and attacked me
(He was a violent drunk who assaulted me and stalked me)

My ex made up false accusations about me using physical violence towards her. I went to court but my lawyer advised me to plead guilty (would this actually be true?) the same ex also has a non molestation order on him.

I have mental health issues/depression - he was actually an alcoholic

I spent £27,000 on a new kitchen for my ex. He never had any money when he was with me, and was hopeless with it. Extremely unlikely

I’m going to write a book about my life and you’ll be the last chapter - 2 weeks later he was back with his ex. He’d splashed loads of selfies and check ins on his Facebook as public posts, knowing she’d see them. He wanted to bait her and make her jealous. It worked and I was promptly dumped. I was just an unwitting pawn in their mind fuckery. This same one also wanted me to dye my hair black (like hers) - kindly offered to pay! Fuck off.

Both love bombed me relentlessly.

These are both men in their 50-55s.

On dating sites;

I swipe left on:

Seeking my partner in crime
Drugged tigers
Snapchat filters (bad enough on women…really?)
Holding a fish (usually has gammon tendencies)
Posing next to a Maserati or some other flash car
I’m a glass half full type of person…bore off

@AnaViaSalamanca

Thinks women are gold diggers. Actually mentioning the word gold digger

Maybe not red flag for some, but for me: telling small inconsequential lies

Yeh, these very ordinary men who cornered their exes in to decades of childcare are now looking out for ''gold diggers'' the inference being of course that their broke x, living on a shoestring raising his kids have somehow struck gold. Met a couple of those on line.

Met one guy who considered himself such a nice guy and he never displayed any bad behaviour but he was livid he had to give his wife a portion of his pension. She hadn't contributed to a pension while she was a sahm. I went off him because he thought she didn't deserve a small portion of his pension.

in real life once., a man decided i was after his house because I said ''nice house''. But sure, I'd no idea if it was rented or mortgaged or owned by his parents. So when I said ''nice house'' what I really meant was 'nice. house.''

Argh!

On the subject of crazy exes...
I am probably way too picky on OLD but if a man states he has "no crazy exes", I find it just as worrying. It's almost as if that is his expectation of women.
Other phrases I consider to be red flags (this is specific to old)
"Banter"
"Kids live with their mum" (it may be true, but feels like he is minimising his relationship with his kids)

And yy to whoever said about serial killer pictures. Also any man that puts a picture of himself with urinals in the background (perhaps that's standards rather than red flags, but just screams laziness)

Other red flags from dating;
Obsession with talking about how much money he earns.
Passive aggressive comments.

Uh oh, I say this to my partner every morning, is this bad?
I've been saying this to her for the past 9 years, is this a cringey thing?

Other OLD profiles to swipe left -
Agree with @AMalTiempoBuenaCara about urinals in background 😂 in fact,
I dislike mirror selfies generally
Bare chested pics
Bare chested pic, lying on a bed

@rishisboater @tarasmalatarocks
Lol, my "dad" had both of these on his social media. He was a total waste of space and oxygen.

My most screamy red flag recently was a chap who had put in his profile that he still lives with his alcoholic wife. He went on to clarify that they were actually separated and hadn't had sex for years...this was just in the bio... surprisingly I didn't swipe he looked like a serial killer too

Questioning you quite incessantly about the past yet sharing nothing of their own past. Not even their name.

Telling you how they are giving you 'a chance' despite you being the one with a stable home, job and financial situation.

Feeling within their right to criticise you for your past but taking no ownership of their own, or simply not talking about it.

Having a repeating pattern of short term relationships that follows the same story (from what you can gather).

Family seem to be friendly with ex although they have no relationship with them.

How their children 'choose'to have no relationship with the other parent. Right...

Their bad behaviour was the exs fault because they were unhappy....

Mine used to question me incessantly about my past too. He was totally fixated on a relationship that ended over 10 years ago. Sometimes he used to keep me awake at night by going on and on about it, as my answers never satisfied him.

@ohfook

Anyone with a 'mental' ex.

They're either lying or they're the one who drove her crazy.

My ex is a walking red flag. Her behaviours are proof of it (which continue post separation in the same vain).

She's also proof that men don't care about these things half as much as women. Which is probably why men lie about their past and women think their behaviour is justified even if quite bad.

Oh my days! I wasted 18 months and for some reason was clearly wearing specs that caused red flag invisibility.

Multiple crazy exes
Didn't ever want me to come to his house - not once! Said 'I don't understand why you need to see my sofa to know more about me'
Would never confirm times or dates that we were going to meet then suddenly, with 30 minutes' notice, say he was coming round
Never introduced me to family or friends ever
Gaslit me about so much e.g. why did you befriend my ex on FB? (I didn't!)
Would pick fights over the smallest slights (e.g. me saying please could we make a plan?) but would regularly criticise me (e.g. him saying you're so sensitive/stupid/dramatic)
We'd break up and then he'd promise me the thing I wanted so I would get back with him (e.g. I promise I'll be better at making plans) which then never materialised
Would phone and want to speak for hours even if it wasn't convenient for me, and when I suggested that maybe we speak at a better time would get in a massive sulk
Everyone - his boss, the people he worked with, the person in the shop - was stupid, or ignorant, or didn't understand the world

Abusive. Narcissistic. Incredibly mentally-draining. But a massive life lesson to me about red flags!

@MidLifeResurgence74, sorry you had to go through all that ! At least it was only 18 months. It sounds like a crash course in Red flagging Awareness.
I hope / am sure, you're in a better place !

[quote Amdone123]@MidLifeResurgence74, sorry you had to go through all that ! At least it was only 18 months. It sounds like a crash course in Red flagging Awareness.
I hope / am sure, you're in a better place ![/quote]
Thank you! So much better place now. A relationship where I just feel at peace. And it’s so relaxing 😌

I think that's it's concerning if you're in a relationship with someone who refuses to change their relationship status from 'single'

It's ok if you just keep the whole thing private but listing yourself as single suggests you aren't committed.

I'm mostly here for notes ✍🏾

But have noticed quite a few men on tinder use their wedding photos as profile pictures. At best their divorced and want their monies worth or doing a terrible job at cheating

On dating sites I'm amazed by the number of men that take pictures of themselves in a room which is obviously also inhabited by a woman 🤷🏻‍♀️

Saying his ex wife used to be controlling and gaslighting......(I suspect the other way round now he's done it to me)

Sulking at tiny things e.g. of you crossing the road and the other not.....both avoiding traffic but worthy of hours of sulking.

Always being right.

Easily getting angry.

Not bringing his wallet.

With hindsight, i could have saved myself 5 years of living in fear. At least he only has a go at me from outside the house now at drop-offs / pick-ups.

*one of you crossing

Relationship 1: (17 years old) Complaining about the way I buttered toast in the first week together.

Relationship 2: (20 years) begging me to walk them to the bus stop and then meet them at the bus stop every day after work (I worked nights) regardless of whether I needed sleep or space.

After 4 dates he ‘preferred my hair natural ‘. And got in a massive sulk when I was late for a date -bye
Different guy - 2 months in criticised everything from the way I fed my cat to my compost bin! Tipped the entire contents of the cutlery holder in the dishwasher into the drawer then told me it was ‘petty ‘ to complain that the knives forks and spoons were all jumbled up
Plus this charmer apparently was attacked. By everybody from his son daughter and wife to strangers on the street - yeah ok then
Bye