DD said I was creepy 😳 Was I right to be cross/upset?

[Cautiouslynotcautious]

Hi,

So last night I went upstairs to say goodnight to my DD (14) and said "oh, you look cute" (she was wearing new PJs) and I was given an eye roll and was then told I was creepy and weird for saying that about my daughter

I said she was being ridiculous and that I was actually very offended and upset and asked her what on earth was she implying? Creepy? It's such a horrible word.

I can't seem to say anything to her these days without being pulled up or corrected. For example, many of her friends are now identifying as "they/them" and if I dare to get that wrong, I'm being rude, trans phobic, bigoted etc.

Anyway, I went downstairs and said I expect an apology. She eventually did apologise, but said she still felt it was a weird thing for a parent to say to their child.....

Is it?! Cute? Is this really inappropriate? I can understand if she didn't like it because it made her feel babyish or something. Maybe that would have been fair enough, but to use such a word as creepy - it really got to me.

Would this have upset/offended you?

No, you’re being sensitive. She’s being a teenager and being painful.

Yes, you are right to be upset.

'Cute' is an entirely appropriate thing to say to your teenager. And she was rude and accusatory in response. You were right to insist on an apology.

Mine often told me I was weird/creepy/strange. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

Just try and ignore OP, I also have an (arsehole) 14 year old dd, I do feel your pain but it's easier to roll your eyes at them and let it go x

A really important but horrible developmental phase in teens is pushing you away.

They have to do it. It’s the start of independence and being separate to you. But so many of them are horrible about it because they simply don’t understand what’s happening.

You know when children are little and we get touched out? I think that’s the best comparison, where they fight and resist any warmth and closeness. Perversely it doesn’t mean they don’t need it.

Also, any hint they are children is likely to be met with rage because they are trying to go forwards and not back.

Everything you say will be wrong because in order to establish who she is, she has to establish who she isn’t. And she isn’t you - she’s smarter and more intelligent and knows more and you - well, you are so stupid and you know nothing and you’re creepy.

Take heart. She won’t have meant it in the sense that you think. She means all the above and she doesn’t know it herself.

@TooMuchPaper, weird or strange wouldn't really bother me either, but creepy is in another category to me. My mum always told me I was cute, pretty, gorgeous as a teenager and whereas I may have been embarrassed, I certainly wouldn't have called her creepy or even thought it.

I said girly once. (She was in pink after years in black)

Never again.

It is best not to engage. Don't get upset. Teenagers.

14 is such a lovely age.
I get it Cautious ignore her and make sure not to do any creepy cooking or laundry for a few days.
When she's in a receptive mood tell her it hurt you.

I think it's the word choice. I've seen younger people using "cute" to mean "sexually attractive".

Honestly I'd let this one go - there will be more important battles that you need to save your energy for!

She's being a disrespectful teen. I don't think it's so much about the word creepy, but about the total disrespect and rudeness in speaking to you.

@summersflowers, thank you. You make some very good points.

How rude. It wasn’t a weird and creepy thing to say at all, it’s a perfectly normal and actually a nice thing to say.

She does just sound like she’s got the classic adolescent attitude though, I’m sure we all had it at one point. You’ve told her you found it unkind, I’d just try and move on. I’m sure she won’t find you creepy when you’re giving her pocket money or lifts back and forward.

I would’ve said, ‘oh bugger off, creepy! I was only saying your pjs are nice!’ and laughed it off, I know it’s so hard with teens - I’ve got a 15 year old - but things are much easier if I don’t show I’m offended by these sorts of things.

@TheQueef Yes, good idea!

I did explain that it hurt and why it did.

It’s just a shitty teen attitude.
My DD uses that word to describe outfits all the time.

That’s a lovely explanation @summersflowers

It was a weird thing for her to say, and I understand your hurt. But you really overreacted.
Let it go. Don't demand apologies, because an apology that's not given willingly is worthless. And if you continue to dwell on it and get angry with her, your relationship is really going to suffer.

@saraclara, I have no intention of mentioning it to her again. As far as she's concerned, it's done. I just wanted to see if this word in particular would have offended anyone else.

I wouldn’t take it so personally, she’s a teenager. They come out with all sorts. Just roll your eyes and leave it. I don’t mean this offensively but when I was a teen my mum had a habit of getting so upset about things I said or did (I wasn’t a bad teen at all, never got in trouble or swore at my parents or anything like that, but just did the usual teen stuff) and it was really bloody annoying. She took everything so personally and made such a fuss. I used to just wish she could be a bit less sensitive and let me be a teenager without having to apologise for every little thing I said that hurt her feelings! It affected our relationship in the longer term because I felt I couldn’t rely on her as an outlet for my feelings at all because she’d make it about her and how upset she was all the time. I’m not saying this is you but your OP just reminded me so much of my mum being forever upset at me for minor things.

At that age, my previously delightful eldest child went through a stage of running away screaming "get off me you nonce" if I attempted any sort of physical affection or made an innocuous compliment. Of course this backfired as I was then minded to collect from school by kerbcrawling him asking if he wanted to see the puppies in the back of my van.

I cringe when I think back to how foul I was to my parents sometimes as a teenager. It was like everything they said was so unbearably stupid and wrong that I had to distance myself from them so that I wouldn't be stupid and wrong by association. I must have been very hurtful sometimes but to their credit, they never made a big thing about it. I think that if they'd asked me to apologise I would have been even more stubborn just out of spite!

Wait till she’s 17....

No idea why you would misgender her friends, though.

Sounds like a normal interaction with a 14 year old. What I do find worrying is the demand that you get an apology over something so trivial. Making your kid jump through a hoop of subjugation like that over something so slight might lead to her hiding and resenting you in future. Just have a light conversation about it - it's important with teens to keep the channels open and equal. They are learning how to be an adult. Taking offence was actually a bit childish on your part - then by demanding an apology you were using your adult status to shame and control.

My daughter, when she was 9 or 10 told me I was actually quite patronising at times. I thought about it and realised she was right, so I adjusted my responses. If your girl thinks "cute" is creepy at the moment - then respect it, and/or have an interesting conversation about why cute has become a loaded word.

@Hadenough21, I actually let a lot go, pick my battles, don't sweat the small stuff and all that. Jesus, you'd be in a never ending battle if you didn't with a teen! But I guess we all have certain things that we won't accept and decide to put our foot down on. I never normally demand apologies!

I think cute has 2 meanings, cute like a puppy or cute like sexy. Cute=sexy is very American. She’s a teenager, they think everything parents do is totally unbearable. I think you need to get over it.