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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD said I was creepy 😳 Was I right to be cross/upset?

101 replies

Cautiouslynotcautious · 19/07/2021 10:19

Hi,

So last night I went upstairs to say goodnight to my DD (14) and said "oh, you look cute" (she was wearing new PJs) and I was given an eye roll and was then told I was creepy and weird for saying that about my daughter Hmm

I said she was being ridiculous and that I was actually very offended and upset and asked her what on earth was she implying? Creepy? It's such a horrible word.

I can't seem to say anything to her these days without being pulled up or corrected. For example, many of her friends are now identifying as "they/them" and if I dare to get that wrong, I'm being rude, trans phobic, bigoted etc.

Anyway, I went downstairs and said I expect an apology. She eventually did apologise, but said she still felt it was a weird thing for a parent to say to their child.....

Is it?! Cute? Is this really inappropriate? I can understand if she didn't like it because it made her feel babyish or something. Maybe that would have been fair enough, but to use such a word as creepy - it really got to me.

Would this have upset/offended you?

OP posts:
nzborn · 19/07/2021 11:38

Absolutely not you keep on being a loving mum.

ArthurBloom · 19/07/2021 11:44

Nah it's just a kid thing, I've said it to my mum when I was young and she called me handsome, I now realise how dumb I was.

Remember kids moan to parents because parents are the edge of their world, so they automatically assume you're an antagonist, they grow out of it.

Livebythecoast · 19/07/2021 11:46

Teenagers are great aren't they?! Sometimes you literally can't say anything right. My DD is 17 and asks for my opinion when going out;
Her: 'does my fake tan look too dark?'
Me: Hmm, yes, a little bit'
Her: 'you don't know anything, I like it'
Me: why bloody ask then?!'

I think using the term 'cute' at that age probably isn't the best phrase (but certainly not creepy) and I tend to stick to 'you look nice' purely because words have different meanings to teenagers now.

floppybit · 19/07/2021 11:52

My teenage son often tells me I'm weird and creepy!

thelastgoldeneagle · 19/07/2021 11:53

In teen speak, cute = fanciable, sexy

Not cute = sweet.

Maybe that's where she's coming from?

Sakesman · 19/07/2021 11:58

Urgh. Teenagers. Ignore. Think cute means something more sexual to this generation, whereas for us it meant looks nice in a sweet way.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 19/07/2021 12:00

I'd have just laughed it off and said "Well, I don't care, it's not wrong to tell my daughter things like that, obviously I didn't mean cute as in hot!" and left it there. They are pushing boundaries and trying to set themselves apart as individuals. And not like their parents -urgh! Sometimes they will be rude and sometimes completely lovely. Better to review minor things/how they spoke to you when the heat of the moment is taken out of it.

BoredZelda · 19/07/2021 12:00

Babies and puppies are cute. Beyond that I find it weird when people refer to other people as cute. Very infantilising and seems more commonplace when talking about girls/young women.

ShadesOfViolet · 19/07/2021 12:02

Would this have upset/offended you?

Honestly probably not. I find girls to be incredibly difficult especially after 2 easy boys. I just don't have the energy to be offended by saying the wrong thing these days.
I still tell my older boys they are cute they are aware it's just me saying it as their mum. My eldest daughter you can't do anything right by. Still got another to go through the teen years...

For example, many of her friends are now identifying as "they/them" and if I dare to get that wrong, I'm being rude, trans phobic, bigoted etc.

Definitely hearing this one. It's like the in thing in the circles my daughter frequents and I can't keep up. I don't try to because it will change again tomorrow.

Think you're just going to have to get over this one. Doesn't get much easier for a while yet.... Sometimes find it all too hard.

JustATypo · 19/07/2021 12:04

It wouldn’t have offended me and I have three teens. I probably would have rolled my eyes back and her and told her she also looked adorable as well as cute (if you’re going to annoy them, may as well max it out).

Best to pick your battles and not sweat the small stuff, sometimes they are just annoying and getting offended or worked up over it will not do you any good. They come out the other side eventually with the odd relapse, so just practice eye rolling back.

ShadesOfViolet · 19/07/2021 12:07

Actually surprised by some of the comments to be honest. It's your child. It's not creepy. No wonder kids aren't kids for long these days going by the tone of some posts. You people have kids..that you're raising in safe welcoming nurturing environments??? That is pretty scary.

You're doing ok op I'm with you and I'd be more offended at some of the comments here and how they view it than your teenager just being a teenager.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/07/2021 12:07

I think you acted properly. Teenager or not she needs to learn to mind her language and realise it can hurt.

EarthSight · 19/07/2021 12:10

Has anyone here suggest that you actually ask your daughter 'What do you think I mean when I say 'cute'?

Personally I don't think it was right of you to expect an apology, unless you think she was deliberately winding you up. One shouldn't apologise over a disagreement and misunderstanding.

Teenagers are more influenced by American culture now more than ever, which they hear and see all the time online. Americans do use 'cute' to mean 'boyfriend/girlfriend material' as well as using it for cute things in the other sense. This is might be why she didn't like you saying it, but found a bad way to articulate that.

Also, if she's feeling particularly self-conscious, I would gently try to find out why, to see if there is actually an adult that has made inappropriate comments towards her and if she's feeling particularly sensitive or on-guard because of it.

Original poster
Cautiouslynotcautious · 19/07/2021 12:12

@toughdaay, it isn't.

OP posts:
Bbub · 19/07/2021 12:14

I would have just told her to get over herself but I haven't parented a teen, and would imagine I'd end up being just as petty back to them. I can't imagine being offended. DS tells me he hates me and is going to kill me sometimes but he's 7 and I just laugh and say "OK" 😁 this is mixed in with how amazing and beautiful I am though (the majority), I'm sure that won't carry on through his teens

Original poster
Cautiouslynotcautious · 19/07/2021 12:17

@EarthSight, I asked her that very question. I do appreciate the word has other meanings, but as her mum, I'm clearly not meaning it in that way and she would have known. Of course she would, so yes, I suspect she did just want to upset me. She has form for that unfortunately, like a lot of teenagers, I know.

OP posts:
SGBK4862 · 19/07/2021 12:18

Haven't read the thread. But I imagine she interpreted 'cute' as sexy or 'hot' meaning sexy. It's used that way in US and possibly on social media.

SGBK4862 · 19/07/2021 12:19

Teens are very aware re sexual abuse these days (rightly so). My 16 year old often mentions it (not as being a recipient I hasten to add!)

Whiskycav · 19/07/2021 12:21

Ohh my 17 year old was like this until quite recently.

And we had similar conversations. I had to stop being offended and start questioning her. So 'why do you think its creepy?' 'What do you think the word cute means?'

Not in a lecturing way, in a conversational way. It usually ended up with us having a fake laughing argument over wether my generations use of word is the right one or hers, since mine has been using it longer. They can't just come along and change it.

She did do the kicking off about pronouns, I put a stop to that why she said people should be done for assault if they use the wrong pronouns accidentally or not. That was a serious converstation. We also had a very serious converstation when she tried to lecture me on why women like me (because I have a decent incomr) are not oppressed and don't suffer sexisim are not at risk of abuse. And how racisim I suffered is not important because I am mixed not black. She isn't black either. Then there was a period where 'poor men are so badly treated'. All very serious converstations with me asking me to back up her statements with actual proof.

But she is now 17. Far more laid back, understanding that what a word means to one person isn't the same to someone else. That use of pronouns incorrectly by accident is not 'literal' violence. Shevis quite embarrassed at some of the stuff she said.

We are very close now. We don't agree on everything, but can debate it without either getting hurt feelings.

JovialNickname · 19/07/2021 12:24

She's just being a horrible teenager. I understand why you're hurt though, the word creepy has a suggestion of "wrongness" about it. When it's the least wrong thing in the world to think your daughter is beautiful! Try to ignore it if you can

SGBK4862 · 19/07/2021 12:25

Teens can be very annoying. Mine will persist for ages if she gets wind of some word I don't like. When she learnt what 'hypocrite' meant, she continually called me out as one for ages when cross with me - I learnt not to focus too much on these things......

Original poster
Cautiouslynotcautious · 19/07/2021 12:25

@SGBK4862, yes, absolutely and of course it's a good thing. It's something we talk about a lot - boundaries, what's appropriate, what's not, respect, consent - all that, so I suppose it possibly offended me more, because we have spoken of actual creeps and their behaviour.

OP posts:
Highfive2021 · 19/07/2021 12:26

I’d probably start doing a creepy child catcher impression 😁 can’t wait to start embarrassing my kids when they are teenagers.

Opentooffers · 19/07/2021 12:40

Gender is a sensitive issue and a hot topic at the moment, teens can latch onto fads and using gender neutral terms is a current one ( kinda makes me wonder about foreign languages and having objects classed as male or female, is there an issue with that? Maybe more of an issue in English, as words only distinguish animate objects, so it stands out more).
Your DD has either missed that the context of how a word is used is important as it can alter its meaning, or she has ignored context just to show off and make a point.
'Cute' from you, in the context you said it, is fine. However, when men describe a woman as being 'cute' to each other, the implication is that they fancy her - she's latched onto that use, because it's how lads in American TV shows commonly describe someone they fancy, so she will have been exposed to it being used in this context mostly, as we all know how much TV watching has increased during lockdown, whilst not being able to mix locally, thereby seeing it in other contexts. I think it's a reflection of that really, nothing more, and not a big deal, don't take it personally.

Humpthree · 19/07/2021 12:43

Perhaps she feels uncomfortable about any comment on her appearance. Could you try to compliment her personality instead? See if she reacts the same way.