DD said I was creepy 😳 Was I right to be cross/upset?

[Cautiouslynotcautious]

Hi,

So last night I went upstairs to say goodnight to my DD (14) and said "oh, you look cute" (she was wearing new PJs) and I was given an eye roll and was then told I was creepy and weird for saying that about my daughter

I said she was being ridiculous and that I was actually very offended and upset and asked her what on earth was she implying? Creepy? It's such a horrible word.

I can't seem to say anything to her these days without being pulled up or corrected. For example, many of her friends are now identifying as "they/them" and if I dare to get that wrong, I'm being rude, trans phobic, bigoted etc.

Anyway, I went downstairs and said I expect an apology. She eventually did apologise, but said she still felt it was a weird thing for a parent to say to their child.....

Is it?! Cute? Is this really inappropriate? I can understand if she didn't like it because it made her feel babyish or something. Maybe that would have been fair enough, but to use such a word as creepy - it really got to me.

Would this have upset/offended you?

@Humpthree that’s a good point actually - maybe she’s just feeling quite self conscious at the moment and felt uncomfortable about a comment on her appearance (even a positive one!) 14 is an awkward age isn’t it, everything your parents say is embarrassing

You know what else might be creepy OP? Touching her clothes to wash them (especially underwear, ew!) and doing her dishes (her mouth has touched them, dontchaknow).

I also second asking her to come see the puppies in the back of the van when you pick her up etc

Then again I am a passive aggressive wind-up when it comes to my kids!

I have a DD 16 I am not allowed to touch her, smile at her, look at her, give her any nice compliments or reminisce about her childhood or show her photos of her younger self when she is in a bad mood which is more of the time than not.

I have been called creepy, weird, a perv and a paedo.

I think you were right not to drop it. Calling your parent creepy is quite simply not on. My partner was telling off his teenage daughter once, he said he was open to hearing an apology at any stage but he would not be bringing up the topic again, he was always ready to listen but she would have to initiate the conversation. She asked him why he was making it sound sexual. He was flabbergasted. Because he used the word 'initiate' apparently. He made sure she apologized for that bit.

My 11 year old always says things I say are creepy so now I do it just to be creepy.

Her age. You are the most embarrassing thing in her life right now. But she will get there. X

@HazyDaisy123456 That must be really upsetting. How do you deal with that? I don't know what I would do

I had an angry and hostile DS give me a lecture last night about how it is not acceptable that I keep telling him not to pick at dry skin on his thumb which has been red and inflamed in the pasta d had not healed. I’m not allowed to comment on his appearance, apparently. So I’m going to say nothing and wait for the inevitable inflammation to reappear.

I’ve always disliked being called “cute”. I don’t know why, it feels like praise for being all giggly and girly, which I’m not. Puppies and kittens are cute, Humans are not.

I don’t really go past “I like that top/skirt/outfit, it looks good on you.

But then I had a mother who was very judgy and would often send me back upstairs to change if she thought I didn’t look “classy”, or wasn’t coordinate properly, or was wearing something to old or something I should be keeping for “best”. Even as a teenager.

So even when they dressed themselves as toddlers i the weirdest patterns and oddest outfits I still only ever said I like your outfit, well done for getting dressed.

Ah ok. Maybe winding you up then.

You say she should have known, and I can totally understand why you would be offended, hurt, upset and angry at what she said, however, I'd be wondering what on earth is going on in her life for her even to make that comment. It could be a flippant thing and nothing to really take notice of, as in 'adults - they're so uncool and yuck', but has she ever mentioned that someone else is making her uncomfortable?

I hug my soon-to-be teenager (who's in a pretend to be disgusted with displays of affection, while still creeping ooooh see what I did there in to snuggle next to me at night if she can't sleep) and then whisper 'Let's not make it creepy' to her in an axe-murderer-creepy voice.

Creepy is a great word.

She probably said it as a casual mild insult, in response to a not-fashionable 'cute' comment. You're taking it hard, and that's the problem - not the word. I'm finding watching them grow up and become independent a little difficult. Is it part of that? Or do you have an issue with the connotations of the word separate from this.

@LunaLula83

Yea she felt ogled. Dont comment on appearances at all. I'm dreading the minefield of teens.

Ogled? By her fucking mother?

Seriously, this place is bonkers

Your daughter finds it uncomfortable to be called cute, you should listen to her and respect her wish that you don't use that description.
YABU

@WorriedWishingWell

Your daughter finds it uncomfortable to be called cute, you should listen to her and respect her wish that you don't use that description. YABU

She could've just told her mum that, there was no need to call her creepy! I'd have made her apologies too instead of pandering to her

*apologise

@elfycat, it's about context though, surely. You were clearly using the word in a comical way. This was a different situation.

If she had just said, I don't like being called cute, mum, fine - that would have been the end of it, even with the sass and the eye roll. Trust me, I let a lot of the small stuff go and appreciate what a difficult, sometimes scary age, it is.

@Googlewasmyidea1, oh...I assumed @LunaLula83 was being sarcastic. I hope so

My ds calls me creepy a fair bit. It's always when I comment on his appearance. So I tend not to now as he seems to be really sensitive to this. Teens are usually incredibly insecure. They hate being told what they are, especially by us idiot parents.

I meant to say, he is 14 too. His friends all use the word creepy all the time, especially for teachers (who seem perfectly uncreepy to me). Anyone who likes anything at all about children is called creepy.

@Myfanwyprice

I would’ve said, ‘oh bugger off, creepy! I was only saying your pjs are nice!’ and laughed it off, I know it’s so hard with teens - I’ve got a 15 year old - but things are much easier if I don’t show I’m offended by these sorts of things.

Yes just ignore laugh it off There will be worse to deal with

@SometimesIFeedTheSparrows

At that age, my previously delightful eldest child went through a stage of running away screaming "get off me you nonce" if I attempted any sort of physical affection or made an innocuous compliment. Of course this backfired as I was then minded to collect from school by kerbcrawling him asking if he wanted to see the puppies in the back of my van.

I aspire to be like you!

When you have teenagers you realise why some people pack them off to boarding school pre-puberty and then welcome them home as fully formed adults.

Hahaa! You could have been writing about my 14yo dd! I can't say anything right, she disagrees with everything I say, corrects me, judges me, knows EVERYTHING, you can't win with the little treasures! So comforting to read this and know I'm not alone.

My now-24 year old was like that at 14. Apparently everything i said was weird or creepy.
She grew out of it thankfully, and is wonderful company now. She's even apologised. Hang in there, it'll pass !