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Original poster

DD said I was creepy 😳 Was I right to be cross/upset?

101 replies

Cautiouslynotcautious · 19/07/2021 10:19

Hi,

So last night I went upstairs to say goodnight to my DD (14) and said "oh, you look cute" (she was wearing new PJs) and I was given an eye roll and was then told I was creepy and weird for saying that about my daughter Hmm

I said she was being ridiculous and that I was actually very offended and upset and asked her what on earth was she implying? Creepy? It's such a horrible word.

I can't seem to say anything to her these days without being pulled up or corrected. For example, many of her friends are now identifying as "they/them" and if I dare to get that wrong, I'm being rude, trans phobic, bigoted etc.

Anyway, I went downstairs and said I expect an apology. She eventually did apologise, but said she still felt it was a weird thing for a parent to say to their child.....

Is it?! Cute? Is this really inappropriate? I can understand if she didn't like it because it made her feel babyish or something. Maybe that would have been fair enough, but to use such a word as creepy - it really got to me.

Would this have upset/offended you?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 19/07/2021 10:57

Perhaps because after many years as referring to someone as he/she it’s hard to not occasionally slip.
DD has a non binary friend I have described as He for 5 years, I always try and use They or use their previous name but I do sometimes get it wrong - not to them as I am ultra careful but I have got it wrong when speaking to DD. She knows it’s an accident and is ok with it

Zilla1 · 19/07/2021 10:58

Perhaps it's the connotation of cute used by American's in dating or chatting up that led to this, OP, especially if she watches lots of American TV and Youtube? I know American's use cute in the way you meant, too.

Hoppinggreen · 19/07/2021 10:58

Sorry NOT use their previous namec

BillMasen · 19/07/2021 10:58

@summersflowers

A really important but horrible developmental phase in teens is pushing you away.

They have to do it. It’s the start of independence and being separate to you. But so many of them are horrible about it because they simply don’t understand what’s happening.

You know when children are little and we get touched out? I think that’s the best comparison, where they fight and resist any warmth and closeness. Perversely it doesn’t mean they don’t need it.

Also, any hint they are children is likely to be met with rage because they are trying to go forwards and not back.

Everything you say will be wrong because in order to establish who she is, she has to establish who she isn’t. And she isn’t you - she’s smarter and more intelligent and knows more and you - well, you are so stupid and you know nothing and you’re creepy. Flowers

Take heart. She won’t have meant it in the sense that you think. She means all the above and she doesn’t know it herself.

Really good post Mine is 11 so I have this to come…
Original poster
Cautiouslynotcautious · 19/07/2021 11:00

@Hen2018, bloody hell, I don't! A friend of hers could be "she" one day and "they" the next and it's simply that I just didn't know. I will say "she" because I didn't know they were any other.

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 19/07/2021 11:00

I do think cute is an odd term to use about a teenager and probably not the look she was aiming for. I also dont think creepy is as laden for teenagers as adults. It tends to have connections of sexual in appropriateness to us but I think younger people see it more as in the horror movie context. Language is a difficult thing and the same word can mean different things in different parts of the country and between generations.

ClawedButler · 19/07/2021 11:01

I want to print out @summersflowers post and keep it nearby for the next few years. That was so insightful and really helped me.

4PawsGood · 19/07/2021 11:02

Sympathies, I recently said to my DD ‘you look hot’ meaning too warm. Grin

Luckily she was in a good mood and we laughed about me being a nonce. But if they’re having a bad day it just goes the other way. They want to despise you for using words wrong as part of the distancing thing I think.

Original poster
Cautiouslynotcautious · 19/07/2021 11:04

@rosabug, using my adult status to shame and control?! Completely disagree. Not "shaming" anyone.

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 19/07/2021 11:05

@SometimesIFeedTheSparrows

At that age, my previously delightful eldest child went through a stage of running away screaming "get off me you nonce" if I attempted any sort of physical affection or made an innocuous compliment. Of course this backfired as I was then minded to collect from school by kerbcrawling him asking if he wanted to see the puppies in the back of my van.
I've just spat my coffee out laughing so much at this. My then 13 year old daughter used to threaten she'd call Childline if I tried to hug her.
pointythings · 19/07/2021 11:09

I think this is one that really isn't worth demanding an apology over. She doesn't like that word - you find another ones. Teens are teens, there are better hills to die on.

rosabug · 19/07/2021 11:14

[quote Cautiouslynotcautious]@rosabug, using my adult status to shame and control?! Completely disagree. Not "shaming" anyone.[/quote]
I think anyone 'forced' to apologise probably feels some level of shame and/or anger. As adults we can process it rationally, but kids - no.

The forced apology or expectation of apology is a social construct. It only makes sense when you have the emotional experience to contextualise it. Otherwise, to a kid, it's someone with more power making you feel bad because they can.

My advice, for what's it's worth - maybe apologise to your daughter for forcing her to say sorry to you and try and explain why her remark made you feel bad. Then have a laugh about it.

Howcanthisbe123 · 19/07/2021 11:18

Teenagers.

You know nothing, didn’t you know?

(I have this all to come!)

MichelleScarn · 19/07/2021 11:19

@rosabug are you not now doing what you have chastised op for? Telling her she needs to apologise?

diddl · 19/07/2021 11:21

@pointythings

I think this is one that really isn't worth demanding an apology over. She doesn't like that word - you find another ones. Teens are teens, there are better hills to die on.
Then she should just explain that without the insults!

I get sick of this "oh they're just being teens".

What a bloody insult!

It's not a reason to have no manners & insult people!

LunaLula83 · 19/07/2021 11:22

Yea she felt ogled. Dont comment on appearances at all. I'm dreading the minefield of teens.

Hadenough21 · 19/07/2021 11:22

@Cautiouslynotcautious but why is the word creepy such a big deal to you? Maybe you’re taking it in a way that she didn’t intend. Teens use different language to adults. Of all the things teens can do and say I wouldn’t get so offended by this. It’s obvious it touched a nerve with you for some reason but I’d try to figure out why that is rather than completely blame your dd. She’s just been a typical teen here, it’s not that rude, she’s just doing the thing of ‘urgh don’t treat me like a baby mum’ that all teens do. So is it more about your feelings of sadness that she’s growing up and not your baby anymore? (Totally understandable, but being aware of those feelings will help you to respond appropriately rather than take great offence at her being a typical teen and risk pushing her away)

pointythings · 19/07/2021 11:25

diddl 'creepy' is hardly the insult of the century. And there's nothing wrong with adapting your parenting and your communication as your children grow up.

And teenagers do react impulsively - if you knew anything about teenagers, you would know that developments in their frontal cortex mean that their impulse control is pretty much shot. It's like having toddlers all over again. So you adapt how you handle them, set sensible boundaries, stay calm and pick your battles.

OneToThree · 19/07/2021 11:26

My ds 14 told me yesterday that I get on everyone’s nerves but he’s the only one that dare tell me! Thank you for that

Original poster
Cautiouslynotcautious · 19/07/2021 11:28

@rosabug, I didn't force her to apologise. I said I expected one. That is not shaming in any way. It's also not about power, it is about respect. I won't use that word again, because I don't want the unnecessary hassle tbh, but also, perhaps she genuinely doesn't like it, but I will certainly expect her to do the same.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 19/07/2021 11:29

You sound a bit like my dh. He is very sensitive and easily offended with our teenage dd. All it does is create friction and bad vibes. I just laugh everything off. She’s nearly 18 now and we’ve survived some very difficult times between 13-15ish! You really do have to just let stuff go and not engage. It’s really not worth it.

Thefaceofboe · 19/07/2021 11:31

YANBU but at 14 I would of bit my mums head off if she said I was cute Grin but I was a teenage brat...

Tiw8 · 19/07/2021 11:33

Sounds a normal interaction with a teen to me. My niece is like this. Little horror 🤣

toughdaay · 19/07/2021 11:34

Sounds normal teenager stuff to me. IMO you overreacted by demanding an apology. If this is the biggest problem you have with your DC then I'd say you're doing pretty well!

Celandines · 19/07/2021 11:36

What you said was fine. The word creepy gets overused