DH gambling

[Friendlyfired]

Hi everyone.

Firstly we are not in the UK. My DH has been broke a lot lately, more than he should be. Nothing massive just out of cash a few days before pay day so I've had to put diesel in his car etc. I couldn't understand it but hey, we have had a lot going on so I assumed it was innocent. We have a joint account that we pay our bills from and always out in extra to cover things like car repairs and unforseen circumstances. and I recently put €3000 into it to cover my share of the bills while I am on unpaid leave from work (following maternity leave). There should be at least 2k left but he told me the account is nearly empty. I got a shock and quickly had a look on the online banking ( account is in both names but I never bothered setting up an online account, he has it set up from the start). In the 30 seconds I had to look at it there was a lot of transfers to his account. I just had a gut feeling he was gambling... So I asked him. He said he wasn't but I just felt there was more to it. He came back a while later and told me he couldn't lie to me and he used to but it was finished weeks ago. I asked to see the bank accounts, I haven't calculated the amount but it's in the thousands and he had Been gambling the night before. He's spent thousands on online gambling since last December. I was devestated. I feel so lied to and the deceit is devastating. , we are comfortable enough financially but all the money I paid in to cover my unpaid leave is gone so the next few months will be tight. He stole from me effectively.

He realises he has a problem and will get help. We are together 15 years and have 2 amazing children. This year has been hard for him, like a lot of people he found lockdown tough, as well as having bereavements in the family. It's completely out of character for him. Tonight I am going through the bank accounts to see exactly how much it is. I am taking over control of our finances, I'm closing the joint bank account and setting up a new bills account in just my name so I can make sure everything is ok and no money is being taken. He said he is not in debt but I've asked him to get a credit report so I can check. I love him dearly and will stand by him 100%, as long as he gets help. Im confident he will

So Mumsnet, is there anything else I can do? I'm trying to protect myself and my family, we well as supporting him. Or has anyone any advice for me please x

You need to make sure he puts in enough money into your new account to cover his portion of the bills.
He will keep gambling but as long as it's not with 'family' money, and he can't get access to other funds then you will have to live with it.

You can tell him to self restrict on every single gambling site he has an account with. I did this and it doesn't let you log in for 6 years (although I chose the maximum time frame, there are options so I would watch him do it)
Also make him sign up to gamban which is a software option that prevents you from accessing gambling sites.

I would definitely ask to see his online banking apps and if you see PayPal transactions I would get him to log into PayPal and you will see if those then go to gambling sites.

Tbh I lost thousands but it was my own money I had saved up and was intended for use towards honeymoon. As soon as I lost it I went to my husband in a state and told him what I had done. He was ok with me and glad I had told him and also some of the money lost was money I had won previously. So to him it was like "well, it wasn't money that we were Gona originally have anyway so nevermind" type thing. But your situation is different in that he has definitely stolen your money.

That's the bit that would really really sting. So I guess you need to ask him how he will repay that money. Plus any debt he has built up...

Oh and if he signs up to Experian tonight he should get his credit report tonight too..it's pretty fast

Ask yourself what you get out of this relationship now.

I would seriously consider leaving him now. That is not at all what you want to hear but he has stolen money from you and in turn his kids. You may well love him, well for now at least, but a gambling addiction is and will further destroy him and take you people down with him.

He alone has to decide to address the root causes behind his gambling addiction, you cannot influence that process or even worse do it for him.
You need to find a family of gamblers support group for your own self to be a part of.

Consider also what you want to teach your children about relationships and what they are learning here. They cannot afford to see their mother being further consumed and otherwise preoccupied by their dads gambling addiction to the possible exclusion of everything else. Your needs as well as their needs are just as important.
and their needs are important.

We are not in the UK, we are in Ireland but he's going to get it sorted tomorrow. I know he won't pay it back. Tbh it's only money and I earn more than him.. my savings are just in my name. He does most of the parenting as my work is demanding. It's just he stole my money... You're right @horehound, it has stung. Sounds like you have a very supportive husband too X

First thing I said to him when he told me was that it's ok. We will get through this together.

Unless he is completely open and transparent with you about the extent of his gambling problem you are ultimately on a hiding to nothing with him. He has lied to you openly about the extent of his gambling and there may be more shocks to come.

He needs to tell you exactly what he intends to do rather than merely pay lip service to this. Telling you he will seek help (when) is too vague.
You should not have asked him to do anything like getting a credit report because he needs to be doing all that and more without your imput.

You did not cause this, you cannot cure this and you cannot control this.

Its only money you state but currently you’re on unpaid maternity leave and he has freely given your hard earned cash from your higher paid job to gambling websites! .

you may well find going forward that he is still not being honest about the full extent of his losses.

Would suggest you find an Eire based gam care support group for families and protect yourself financially from the fallout his gambling addiction will unleash.

I think it's important to find out the truth behind just how much he has spent and IF he has lied about the extend and/or if there is a debt.

If that is the case then I agree with pp that you should leave.
If that isn't the case I think you should try to help him because that's what we do isn't it? It is very very easy to become addicted to gambling and the way it is done online kind of makes you think it's not even really money you're playing with. Then you lose and you want to chase your losses instead of cutting your losses. It really is terrible and yet the government love it because it makes them a fuck tonne of money every year.

So I wouldn't necessarily leave him just because of this but you need to make sure what he had told you is the truth. Otherwise, leave.

but a gambling addiction is and will further destroy him and take you people down with him.

So no one with a gambling addiction has ever conquered it? They've all ruined their lives have they? No. That's just bollocks I'm afraid. Speaking as an ex gambler...

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Its only money you state but currently you’re on unpaid maternity leave and he has freely given your hard earned cash from your higher paid job to gambling websites! .

you may well find going forward that he is still not being honest about the full extent of his losses.

Would suggest you find an Eire based gam care support group for families and protect yourself financially from the fallout his gambling addiction will unleash.

Thank you very much for replying. You have given me a lot of food for thought. I've given him one last opportunity to tell me if there is anything else. He said there isn't. I'm analysing his bank account tomorrow and getting credit report. I've told him I can forgive him once but I won't forgive him if he lies again. If this happens again I'm gone. I have to say its so out of character for him. I get a lot out of my marriage, he's been my rock through everything, our sick child, loss of another child. We've been through so much together and I really thought we had a solid marriage.

I will definitely look into support for myself. I only found out about this on Friday so it's still raw. I just asked him what his plan was for tomorrow and he said work and finding a counselor so will wait and see

Has he self restricted now on the sites? Because that takes seconds to do and will at least mean he can't spend any more money!

It's must be so hard for you. It is just so easy to gamble 24/7 nowadays and before you know it the addiction has kicked in. Your marriage sounds like a very solid one so I truly hope that you can work through this successfully together. He certainly won't find it easy to never gamble again but sadly, that is how it has to be now. I hope he has the strength to see this through.

Horehound. Thank you so much for you insight. You have described it similarly to what he's said, trying to win back what he's lost. He has given me the log in details for his bank account. We need to see how much he's spent. He had blocked himself off them sites he used before he even told me. I will mention gamban to him and see if we can do it. Tbh he was broken when he told me, he's never been so ashamed in his life. The loss of the money really doesn't bother me that much, it's the lies. I feel betrayed.

Can I ask you, did you get any help or attend any groups?

@heyday

It's must be so hard for you. It is just so easy to gamble 24/7 nowadays and before you know it the addiction has kicked in. Your marriage sounds like a very solid one so I truly hope that you can work through this successfully together. He certainly won't find it easy to never gamble again but sadly, that is how it has to be now. I hope he has the strength to see this through.

Thanks so much heyday. We have a very strong marriage and I love him dearly. It comes down to this.. if he's told me the truth, I can forgive him. If he hasn't, then idk. 15 years of solid relationship, 1 massive mistake isn't enough to make me walk away. Lying to me about it is another story.

A cautionary tale here.

My ex took cash advances from our joint credit card and his to help finance his gambling. Has yours resorted to this? It's incredibly expensive and wasteful and when I found out I was absolutely livid.

Multiple withdrawals from two credit cards, multiple withdrawals from joint checking. Money being shifted online from account to account so that I felt like I was a forensic examiner trying to investigate money fraud!

At times, he spent so much on gambling that I was in effect paying all bills from my income alone. (I was the higher earner as well)

He swore he would never do it again, swore he would get help for it.

I attempted to take over all finances but ultimately he was not able to cope with having no access, and I had lost all trust in him due to his repeated lies.

I opened my own checking account to change my direct deposit to an account he could not take from.

He opened his own checking to deposit his earnings.

We each put a portion into the joint to pay bills.

This was not enough to solve the problem. I kept having to put more and more of my money into the joint account to have enough to pay the bills and his credit card debt.

He refused to give up "his" credit card, so we agreed as a compromise that he would use the one and I would use the other. He said he needed it to pay for gas and groceries. Found out he did more cash advances on his own credit card. Saw that when he went grocery shopping he would take large amounts of cash out when paying with his debit card. Then saw multiple transactions at the casino close in time to those withdrawals. I was a total stalker and had access online to his card and his new checking. I didn't feel guilty about having access because as a married couple we were both responsible for all accounts and all debts together.

Filed for divorce after an ultimatum on my part that he finally and truly stop gambling and get help was breached, and then he used the credit card we agreed would be mine (I was unable to remove him at that point as a user) to pay his own atty fee. Blatantly used my card instead of his to pay the atty. So now I had two atty fees on my card.

Sure that was taken care of by him getting slightly less in the settlement, but I still had to pay my card off.

It's been a little over two years and I am just about done with credit card debt thanks to covid stimulus money (thanks President Biden!) and my own responsibleness.

This despite having to pay him child support and me renting an apartment, having to furnish apartment, and having several large car repair bills.

The fact that I am almost out of cc debt, that I am able to pay rent, child support, all my bills, plus finance a new car (yes I know that's debt, but "good" debt in my mind) tells me all I need to know about how much money he was wasting when we were together.

The amount of worry and stress and feelings of impending doom at the time are long gone.

I no longer have to worry about becoming destitute due to his poor choices.

Good luck to you and I hope you two have better luck than we did.

For me, all counseling and trying to find a gam-anon group (and failing to find a gam-anon group so attending al-anon instead) did was open my eyes to the fact that he would probably never change and I was not willing to subsidize or enable him for the rest of my life.

Sorry to hear this. @AttilaTheMeerkat is on the money (pardon the pun) as usual when it comes to addiction.

Please read up on addiction and the behaviour of addicts. Addicts lie, fabricate, disguise behaviour. Promise to stop whatever it is.

I'm not saying LTB, but please have your eyes WIDE open and your boundaries clear on what you are prepared to stay for and what line will be 'leave'. I hope he manages to stop and never start again, but you need to be aware that just because he's stopped (if he does) it doesn't mean the problem has gone away. He will still be an addict. He may be an addict 'in recovery' but you need to decide if you're happy to live always knowing it may well happen again.

You can't change or control him (beyond ensuring money to cover outgoings is ringfenced/he is unable to access it in any way) - all you do is decide what is acceptable and unacceptable to you.

Also consider who else he may have 'borrowed' money from.

Make sure your blinders are off, op. Addicts lie and lie and lie some more, and they will say whatever it takes in the moment to diffuse a tense situation.

My cousin learned this the hard way. She was so sure he would keep his promises to stop gambling and get help, she was determined to stand by her man. Long story short, he destroyed her life. She lost everything, her house, her marriage, all of her money, everything.

Don't lose sight of the fact that your husband stole from you, and did so effortlessly. He betrayed you without a second thought. You would be wise to prepare for the worst.

@Friendlyfired I didn't join any groups or anything. Restricting all my accounts was enough because there is no way for me to access anything and tbh I don't even think about gambling now. If I see gambling adverts etc I just think "you want me to lose my money and give you it all".

I felt soo I'll after losing the money it's just not worth it. But if people do not restrict then it is so easy to go back again and again

You say your husband has already restricted himself but did you see him do it? I'd ask to get him to log into a few and a message pops up immediately saying you are self restricted, so at least you'd know if he has actually done it or not. And there are tonnes of gambling sites so he would need to have done it for all of them or what's stopping him signing up to others? I think there's another thing called Gam Stop as well as gam ban but maybe they are only going to work in UK. I'm really not sure so it would be worth you googling to see if there's something similar in Ireland or of gam stop or gam ban will work.
Do you live anywhere close to a bookie?

I believe credit cards are no longer accepted on betting sites any more but I guess he could still take the money from a cash machine and then put it into his bank account?

I definitely wouldn't take what he says at face value. But I hope he hasn't lied further.
Wishing you all the best.

Horehound

but a gambling addiction is and will further destroy him and take you people down with him

So no one with a gambling addiction has ever conquered it? They've all ruined their lives have they? No. That's just bollocks I'm afraid. Speaking as an ex gambler

The only way people have conquered their gambling addiction is when they themselves have decided to stop gambling. Not when they say they are going to stop because they have been found out

@Bythemillpond I quite agree. So let's hope her DH is going to take the measures to stop

Glad to read that you are now an ex gambler Horehound. You however forgot to add the second part of my comment though which stated that unless OPs DH decides of his own volition to address the causes behind his gambling addiction, he is likely to continue gambling.

If OPs husband does seek help for his gambling addiction and overcome it he will be in recovery from this for the rest of his life. The temptations are always there. He absolutely has to be honest and transparent about the extent of his losses to be his family and his own self. He has openly lied to his wife and may well still be in a state of denial about his gambling problem. Denial is a powerful force.

Some people will tell you that you should leave him and that they couldn’t live with the deceit but that’s up to you
Many years ago I had a problem with credit cards and ran up lots of debt DH didn’t know about. What I would say is that it’s no reflection on how he feels about you at all. I loved DH (and still do) and I didn’t think he was stupid or anything like that, although I appreciate that it might have felt like that to him.
We sorted it out, WE did. I came up with a plan to fix the problem and make sure it didn’t happen again and we put things in place to make sure it didn’t. We worked through it together and put it behind us, although I don’t think you can ever completely forget something like that. I am reserving all my sympathy for you but I have felt utter panic at the prospect of my DH finding out what I had done and the self loathing and desperately wishing it were possible to turn back the clock.
IF you think you can forgive and really believe he won’t do it again then there’s no reason why you need to end your marriage, which is what some people will suggest

Yes unless OPs DH decides of his own volition to address the causes behind his gambling addiction, he is likely to continue gambling.
This is true

He has to want to do it.
The really concerning bit about it all for me was that he just easily kept taking money from the joint account. Where did he think that money had come from and that it was ok to just squander away? I know my husband would have hit the roof if I had done that. I was "sensible" enough to use my own money and didn't use overdraft or anything to chase my losses. I had already lost enough doing it with my own money let alone getting into debt. But now ops DH has taken her savings it has a knock on effect to her quality of life which should have been used as a relief to their monetary situation.
But this will be the first of many problems of he doesn't sort himself out.
Remember @Friendlyfired actions speak louder than words

If he was gambling as recent as the night before you found out then can him saying he is giving up gambling be of his own volition or more about saying what he wants you to hear.