DH gambling

[Friendlyfired]

Hi everyone.

Firstly we are not in the UK. My DH has been broke a lot lately, more than he should be. Nothing massive just out of cash a few days before pay day so I've had to put diesel in his car etc. I couldn't understand it but hey, we have had a lot going on so I assumed it was innocent. We have a joint account that we pay our bills from and always out in extra to cover things like car repairs and unforseen circumstances. and I recently put €3000 into it to cover my share of the bills while I am on unpaid leave from work (following maternity leave). There should be at least 2k left but he told me the account is nearly empty. I got a shock and quickly had a look on the online banking ( account is in both names but I never bothered setting up an online account, he has it set up from the start). In the 30 seconds I had to look at it there was a lot of transfers to his account. I just had a gut feeling he was gambling... So I asked him. He said he wasn't but I just felt there was more to it. He came back a while later and told me he couldn't lie to me and he used to but it was finished weeks ago. I asked to see the bank accounts, I haven't calculated the amount but it's in the thousands and he had Been gambling the night before. He's spent thousands on online gambling since last December. I was devestated. I feel so lied to and the deceit is devastating. , we are comfortable enough financially but all the money I paid in to cover my unpaid leave is gone so the next few months will be tight. He stole from me effectively.

He realises he has a problem and will get help. We are together 15 years and have 2 amazing children. This year has been hard for him, like a lot of people he found lockdown tough, as well as having bereavements in the family. It's completely out of character for him. Tonight I am going through the bank accounts to see exactly how much it is. I am taking over control of our finances, I'm closing the joint bank account and setting up a new bills account in just my name so I can make sure everything is ok and no money is being taken. He said he is not in debt but I've asked him to get a credit report so I can check. I love him dearly and will stand by him 100%, as long as he gets help. Im confident he will

So Mumsnet, is there anything else I can do? I'm trying to protect myself and my family, we well as supporting him. Or has anyone any advice for me please x

@Newestname001 we are in Ireland so different to UK. I have ordered my credit report. When we were getting our mortgage, I had to go to mortgage provider to sign paperwork with them. I'm open to correction on this but I don't think he could remortgage without me being there in person. But I will double check this. I know here it's very difficult to get house transferred to just my name.

I'm also looking into support group for family members of gambling addict

You sound so strong. I really do hope all comes good for you both. 🌹

Mmm the hiding of the loan application wasn't great when he should have been totally clean with you from the start of the admition.

Have you seen his report now?

@Horehound

Mmm the hiding of the loan application wasn't great when he should have been totally clean with you from the start of the admition.

Have you seen his report now?

I know... I was devestated when I found out and I only found it from his credit report.. which I have gone through and that is the only concern. I've gone back 2 years on all bank accounts. He did cancel the loan application himself (confirmed by the bank, he said he panicked when he applied for it as he had spent all my money) later that day. This happened a few days before I found out.

Oh @Horehound thanks for the tip about gamban. I've installed it on his phone, my phone and laptop. I've gathered up all old phones in the house too and I've hidden them.

I've all his bank cards and for the next while I will withdraw the cash for him.

That's good then.

Yeh I can totally understand why he applied for the loan. I remember trying to increase my overdraft (that I never ever use) after I lost a large sum but when I actually tried I made a mistake and reduced it and there was no point then even to gamble with a small amount (£200 i think it was) so in the end I didn't get into debt but could have easily. So I understand the loan thing but he should have told you so you didn't have yet another shock. Let's hope there's nothing else like that.

Most gambling is done online now so don't take comfort in the fact that the closest gambling shop is 20 miles away. If he wants he can gamble in a few clicks on his phone.

Watch his emails as if he has stopped gambling they will send him offers to return and play.

@MadeForThis

Most gambling is done online now so don't take comfort in the fact that the closest gambling shop is 20 miles away. If he wants he can gamble in a few clicks on his phone.

Watch his emails as if he has stopped gambling they will send him offers to return and play.

Yes, he used to gamble solely online, doing the slot spins. I have gamban installed on all electronics in the house, I also have his bank cards, credit card, changed his bank login password and I will transfer a set amount to his revolute card each week for his own living expenses (€40 a week). I'm trying to cover all avenues, he's doing really well. He's started antidepressants and has his first session with the gambling counselor next week. I can definitely see a change in him. He's more open. But I'm definitely still wary and keeping a very close eye on things

Friendlyfired

I do think you are trying to save him from himself and falling into a parent child relationship and not addressing the true issue that the trust has gone.

Do you think you can live like this forever? Every single day of your life checking his credit report to see if he has taken out a credit card or loan. Checking the bank accounts you know of, repaying his debts.
Checking he hasn’t gone out and got a another phone.
Atm he is doing anything to get you onside and I think he really believes he can give up but him giving up isn’t something that has come from him. If he hadn’t been found out I am not sure he would have made the decision to fully stop gambling and not just pause before starting again.
If he isn’t making that decision on his own then I hope I am wrong but as an addict, to stop doing anything has to come from the addict.
I do think at some point his €40 per week pocket money isn’t going to be enough or he feels he is being treated like a child

You seem to be doing all the things my friend did, including the pocket money.
At some point between 10-15 years later she started to forget about checking.
15 years later her life imploded
Everything she thought was there and could be relied upon has gone.

Just be aware what you are facing and the monotony of the work involved and never feeling financially safe again.

gamanon.org.uk/?page_id=32

Might be worth a look at some of the support aimed at families of gamblers for yourself. You'll find a lot of understanding and support.

@Bythemillpond

Friendlyfired

I do think you are trying to save him from himself and falling into a parent child relationship and not addressing the true issue that the trust has gone.

Do you think you can live like this forever? Every single day of your life checking his credit report to see if he has taken out a credit card or loan. Checking the bank accounts you know of, repaying his debts.
Checking he hasn’t gone out and got a another phone.
Atm he is doing anything to get you onside and I think he really believes he can give up but him giving up isn’t something that has come from him. If he hadn’t been found out I am not sure he would have made the decision to fully stop gambling and not just pause before starting again.
If he isn’t making that decision on his own then I hope I am wrong but as an addict, to stop doing anything has to come from the addict.
I do think at some point his €40 per week pocket money isn’t going to be enough or he feels he is being treated like a child

You seem to be doing all the things my friend did, including the pocket money.
At some point between 10-15 years later she started to forget about checking.
15 years later her life imploded
Everything she thought was there and could be relied upon has gone.

Just be aware what you are facing and the monotony of the work involved and never feeling financially safe again.

I know what you are saying... I agree it does feel wrong giving him an "allowance". I can't see this lasting forever. I am keeping our money safe while he works on himself. I truly love him. I want to give him a chance to get this sorted. He has had a horrific childhood and I am not making excuses for him (many people have awful childhood and don't gamble) but I think he needs to work on himself and address a number of issues, not just the gambling addiction. I want to stand by him but I do have a limit. He is willing to do whatever it takes. He never calculated how much he spent... I did and when I told him how much money he wasted this year, the colour drained from his face. I am trying to stay both optimistic and realistic at the same time. I'm really sorry your friend ended up in that situation.

@dryersheep

http://gamanon.org.uk/?page_id=32

Might be worth a look at some of the support aimed at families of gamblers for yourself. You'll find a lot of understanding and support.

Thanks for the tip. I will have a look x

Update

Just said I'd update this thread, after getting such great advice and opinions, Ive really looked at it from a different perspective. So thanks to everyone who has posted here, ye have no idea how much ye helped me. I really appreciate it.

DH is doing great. Attending weekly Gamblers anonymous meetings. Also attending addiction counselor every 2 weeks. I still have control of the finances. I transfer money to his account every week. Things are working so far. I do appreciate this is going to be a long term arrangement and won't always be as rosy, but I do love him a lot and am willing to stick with him as long as he isn't gambling and getting help.

He really is so much happier lately. He is really open about gambling and how it made him feel. Here in Ireland mcd have a sticker thing on their drinks and you can win different things when you peel it off.. it's made that a fast food place can have such a casual form of gambling... I know.it seema harmless but What's to stop an addict from purchasing drink after drink to win? Really has opened our eyes to how much gambling there is everywhere.

I really struggled for a while with the betrayal. We spoke about it at length several times and there is a few purchases that I've had to put off because of his gambling. It does make me angry sometimes but at the end of the day, we still have our home, we haven't missed any bills. It's only materialistic things that I can purchase in a few months. My mental health has improved a bit too.

He has been working from home for the past 18 months and he's looking forward to heading back to the office shortly. I'm back to work soon myself and I will be working from home going forward. He need that, working from home isn't for him. Also he's been dealing with the death of our unborn son 2 years ago, he never dealt with it until now. If I am going to take a positive from this situation, is that he is finally getting help for a lot of stuff in his past and he's happier than I have seen him in ages.

It hasn't all been rosy but things are looking up x