Page 2 | DH gambling

Horehound · 19/07/2021 09:56

Yes and this bit
He said he wasn't but I just felt there was more to it. He came back a while later and told me he couldn't lie to me and he used to but it was finished weeks ago. I asked to see the bank accounts, I haven't calculated the amount but it's in the thousands and he had Been gambling the night before.

Let's pick it apart.
*You went to him and asked him if he was gambling.
-he said No ❌ lie.
*he approached you and said he couldn't lie to you - ❌ that's a lie since he had just lied to you! And then immediately lied some more by saying "it was finished weeks ago" ❌ nope, that's a lie since he gambled the previous night.

So far you have had to extrapolate information, he isn't really willing to give it to you. :(

Hoppinggreen · 19/07/2021 10:00

Yes, the concern for me would be that he is only telling you what you have found out. I stopped using CCs almost a year before I told DH and he didn’t find out, we weren’t in financial difficulties and I probably could have got away with not telling him for quite a while longer.

Beendownthisroadmorethantwice · 19/07/2021 10:01

Online gambling addiction is really hard to overcome.

If you honestly want this to work a few things have to happen

he needs to self exclude from all the sites (in front of you - not just saying he’s done it).
you will need to take financial control of everything for a while. A long while.
you will need to keep a very close eye on his credit - new cards, PayPal loans the lot.

From butter experience I’d say that he’s not yet ready to do this by the fact that he’s already lying to you,

Original poster

Friendlyfired · 19/07/2021 10:38

@Horehound

Yes and this bit He said he wasn't but I just felt there was more to it. He came back a while later and told me he couldn't lie to me and he used to but it was finished weeks ago. I asked to see the bank accounts, I haven't calculated the amount but it's in the thousands and he had Been gambling the night before.

Let's pick it apart.
*You went to him and asked him if he was gambling.
-he said No ❌ lie.
*he approached you and said he couldn't lie to you - ❌ that's a lie since he had just lied to you! And then immediately lied some more by saying "it was finished weeks ago" ❌ nope, that's a lie since he gambled the previous night.

So far you have had to extrapolate information, he isn't really willing to give it to you. :(

You're right.. he has lied to me so much. I know everyone always says that their DH would never cheat and I would have bet my life that he wouldn't of a week ago. Now I've seen how easily he lies and keeps things from me... Idk.

I had a look at his bank account this morning and he's spent more than I thought. I looked at the sites he was using and he would play on one for a week or two and then he would block his account so he would stop... Only to start up again on another.
But I have tried to log in to some of the sites and he has been blocked.

I really don't know what to think. This has all been such a big shock to me.

I said it to him last night, that he's only telling me what I want to hear. He tells me I'm such an amazing wife blah blah blah... He wasn't thinking of me when he was spending my money. Maybe I am being a fool. I really love him... My head's all over the place.. im suffering from pnd too and I'm heavily medicated too. My money I had left aside for our sons school books and uniform was in that account too...

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Original poster

Friendlyfired · 19/07/2021 10:39

@Bythemillpond

If he was gambling as recent as the night before you found out then can him saying he is giving up gambling be of his own volition or more about saying what he wants you to hear.

Very true 💔

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Horehound · 19/07/2021 10:46

So at the time when you need the most support from him, he has added to your stress. It's just another thing for you to worry about, isn't it?

I would definitely ask him to set up a payment plan to repay the stolen money. Even if it's £50 a month or something...at least then he will see it as money he owes because of his gambling and what he played with wasn't actually free...
It's a horrible situation and I was so lucky my husband was supportive but o was totally honest from the get go and went to him to tell him what i had done. Since I wasn't using a joint account he'd had never known about it of I hadn't told him.

Original poster

Friendlyfired · 19/07/2021 23:38

@Horehound

So at the time when you need the most support from him, he has added to your stress. It's just another thing for you to worry about, isn't it?

I would definitely ask him to set up a payment plan to repay the stolen money. Even if it's £50 a month or something...at least then he will see it as money he owes because of his gambling and what he played with wasn't actually free...
It's a horrible situation and I was so lucky my husband was supportive but o was totally honest from the get go and went to him to tell him what i had done. Since I wasn't using a joint account he'd had never known about it of I hadn't told him.

Tbh we have had an awful few years. Our unborn son died half way through the pregnancy, then we got pregnant again and I don't think he has ever properly dealt with the loss. I'm not making excuses, he is responsible for his own actions.

So today he has ordered his credit report, should have it tomorrow and had his first counseling session on the phone. He also made an appointment for his gp for Wednesday to get advice about addiction counseling. I really want to support him through this. I'm aware of what I'm taking on and I'm by no means nieve but for now I am supporting him the best I can.

Thanks to everyone who has replied so far. I've really taken on board what ye have said. One day at a time for him now

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Horehound · 20/07/2021 00:09

That's a good few steps he has taken there. I really hope it works out for you both and i am very sorry about the loss of your son.

Bythemillpond · 20/07/2021 06:31

I thought you could get your credit report on line

PersonaNonGarter · 20/07/2021 06:50

First thing I said to him when he told me was that it's ok. We will get through this together.

Sorry, OP, but I think this is incredibly naive. You aren’t in it together - he is the addict and you are his mark. He’s lying and stealing from you and your DC. He was literally lying as he claimed to be telling you the truth.

The faster you open your eyes, the faster ygings will improve for you. Also, sell his stuff - anything he has that would cover the theft - now before he does.

Bythemillpond · 20/07/2021 07:04

So today he has ordered his credit report, should have it tomorrow and had his first counseling session on the phone. He also made an appointment for his gp for Wednesday to get advice about addiction counseling. I really want to support him through this. I'm aware of what I'm taking on and I'm by no means nieve but for now I am supporting him the best I can

Can’t think of the right words but it all sounds a bit too convenient/tick boxed/staged.
I wouldn’t be telling him that it is ok because it isn’t.

I do think you are not seeing this as a long term problem.
With addiction there is no getting through it.
Whilst the person who is the addict might know they won’t do it again for the person/people who this has affected it will always be there in the back of your mind and you will never be able to relax or take your eye off the ball.
One thing being an alcoholic or drug addict where the affects only really hurt yourself
Gambling you hurt yourself but you also take everyone around you down with you

Original poster

Friendlyfired · 20/07/2021 10:51

@Horehound

That's a good few steps he has taken there. I really hope it works out for you both and i am very sorry about the loss of your son.

Thanks horehound. It was truly the worst time of our lives.

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Original poster

Friendlyfired · 20/07/2021 11:01

@Bythemillpond

I thought you could get your credit report on line

I'm in Ireland, takes 1-2 working days

OP posts:

Original poster

Friendlyfired · 20/07/2021 11:06

@PersonaNonGarter

First thing I said to him when he told me was that it's ok. We will get through this together.

Sorry, OP, but I think this is incredibly naive. You aren’t in it together - he is the addict and you are his mark. He’s lying and stealing from you and your DC. He was literally lying as he claimed to be telling you the truth.

The faster you open your eyes, the faster ygings will improve for you. Also, sell his stuff - anything he has that would cover the theft - now before he does.

I am not going to sell his stuff and I am not naive. I know exactly what he's done. I said it was ok because I really am concerned for his mental health. He hasn't been the same since we lost our son 2 years ago. He never did counselling then even though I encouraged him to do it. He's devestated he has done this. I know what he did to us is no excuse and he is responsible for his own actions. But I truly love him and I will be there for him 100%. I know he would stand by me if the situation was reversed. So I am offering him all my love and support in getting this sorted, getting help for his addiction.

OP posts:

Original poster

Friendlyfired · 20/07/2021 11:13

@Bythemillpond

So today he has ordered his credit report, should have it tomorrow and had his first counseling session on the phone. He also made an appointment for his gp for Wednesday to get advice about addiction counseling. I really want to support him through this. I'm aware of what I'm taking on and I'm by no means nieve but for now I am supporting him the best I can

Can’t think of the right words but it all sounds a bit too convenient/tick boxed/staged.
I wouldn’t be telling him that it is ok because it isn’t.

I do think you are not seeing this as a long term problem.
With addiction there is no getting through it.
Whilst the person who is the addict might know they won’t do it again for the person/people who this has affected it will always be there in the back of your mind and you will never be able to relax or take your eye off the ball.
One thing being an alcoholic or drug addict where the affects only really hurt yourself
Gambling you hurt yourself but you also take everyone around you down with you

I am delighted he has taken those steps. He never realised he had a problem. It's ok because I was really worried for his mental health.

People can recover from addiction, horehound story is a perfect example. Of course it will always be something that he will have to be conscious of and I will always be checking our bank accounts etc to make sure he hasn't gambled. I have an inheritance coming to me later this year, not massive money €20k but he will not have access to it. I know I will have to do that from now on. Our joint savings account hasn't been touched so I'm transferring all that money to my savings. I will have to gain control of all monies. I have the password for his bank account too so I will be checking that regularly.

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Horehound · 20/07/2021 11:16

Yeh I think you need to give him a chance really. Obviously you will see the real truth when you see his credit report and also I'm sure some accounts on the report and maybe 1-2 months behind so it's worth checking it again in Aug and Sept just to make sure something else doesn't suddenly appear on it.
And I'd deffo be checking the PayPal account if you can because people use PayPal to send the bookies money so that is doesn't show on a bank statement.
Just giving you some tips to check what he is saying is the truth because that's the crux of it now. You need to be able to trust what he says but you will need to see proof before you can start to trust again

And make sure he gets help for gambling and for the loss of your son.

Horehound · 20/07/2021 11:22

Yes good idea re your inheritance.
I am not going to lie it is a hard road and when I first stopped gambling it was very very hard. I thought about it loads. I did actually slip up a few times and luckily i won money rather than lost but I imagine if I had lost then id have chased the losses again and got myself into a right pickle..I managed to slip up because I seeked out more sites I hadn't restricted myself on which is why those gamban software things are a good idea because it won't let you onto any gambling site at all.
And I know that if I went back and started to play id be hooked as soon as I started up again.
It's a battle. So I know so far I have a happyish ending but I could even be being naive about myself. Who knows what can happen in the future and I know I need to actively avoid all things like that.

workshy44 · 20/07/2021 11:25

I do think people can recover but this has to be one of the most devastating addictions for those around the addict
I had a friend who was a gambling addict, lovely guy great family. Wife stuck by him but they lost everything, the house , cars, the debt was never ending. There was literally no limit to what he could spend
She left in the end as she was worried she would spend her old age penniless if she didn't
I'm not say leave but I would proceed with extreme caution here and separate your finances as much as possible. He remortgaged their house from under her.
I also wouldn't under estimate what a long road you have ahead of you. Most addicts take multiple tries before they get clean. he can do a lot of damage during that time.

Hoppinggreen · 20/07/2021 11:26

My CC addiction started after a late Mc
Not excusing him at all (or myself) but people can react strangely to stressful events)
If you really think he won’t do it again and will help fix it then you stand a good chance of getting through it
Good luck and I am very sorry about your son

Horehound · 20/07/2021 11:29

Yes the damage can be done in minutes...it's insane. I could spin slots £50-100 each Spin! I'll tell you, you burn through the money fast and when I was losing I'd be thinking "what the hell am I doing?!" And just keep going because if was a click of a button.

If I had a stack of 50's at home and someone said to me "hand me the £50 and you might win some more money" and laugh in their face and tell them to fuck off. Let alone hand over £50 after £50 after £50 which is what I did every few seconds!! It's honestly crazy how it happens

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/07/2021 11:43

"Of course it will always be something that he will have to be conscious of and I will always be checking our bank accounts etc to make sure he hasn't gambled".

It all sounds horribly exhausting as well as long term, say decades. Like many posts of this type too its mainly about the addict, rarely the writer. Your needs and wants are just as important if not more so than your H's. A man who readily and more than one time stole from your family unit to satisfy his gambling addiction. I presume he was hoping to win big and otherwise recoup his losses. My concern also is that he is only doing this now to placate you because you've found out. He to my mind has not decided for his own self that he will stop gambling. I sincerely hope I am wrong because if I am right his addiction will further cause you a whole new world of pain going forward.

I feel that both you and he have a long and difficult time ahead for different reasons. There is a fine line between helping and enabling and you seem to be crossing over into enabling behaviour. Where are the consequences from you here for his actions; not least of all a repayment plan for the money he stole from his child. Make no mistake this is his gambling addiction; it is not yours to own or otherwise carry with or for him.

What about you in all this; where is your own support and will you be willing to contact organisations that help family members of gamblers?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/07/2021 11:48

Gambling will always be a ready temptation to him. He may go onto relapse further; how would you react and or prepare for such an eventuality?.

Whatever the outcome for him is down to him ultimately. You will always have choices.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/07/2021 11:54

This article may be helpful too:-
www.problemgambling.ca/gambling-help/support-for-families/stages-of-change.aspx

neverundersold · 20/07/2021 12:30

Had a very similar experience to yours OP. All you can do is protect yourself and your money. Ensure he cannot access your money or any that is needed for essential household expenses. I have never really trusted my partner again, always feel suspicious. Given the opportunity he will find a way to gamble as he has a highly addictive personality. Good luck, put yourself first and stick to your boundaries, be prepared to walk away when you need to.

Bythemillpond · 20/07/2021 12:50

Friendlyfired

I am not saying that an addict can’t recover and decide not to gamble again but as you have said you are now putting yourself in a position of constantly checking bank accounts, credit files, constantly wondering will today be the day that you find that the gambling has started again (even if it never does). Constantly being aware that he cannot have any access to any money.

Imagine doing that everyday for decades. It is exhausting and then you start to get complacent and you don’t check everyday,you don’t check every week and then you find everything gone.

If you take over paying everything then your Dh now faces a much less stressful future.
He fucked up, he apologises and all the stress of hiding his addiction is out in the open and you ride in and clean up his mess.
Maybe I am wrong but it does sound a bit like you are happy to be put in the role of saving him from himself.

He has no real consequences to his actions.
You are the one left stressed trying to work out how to pay off everyone.
He just goes to work and hands over his money at the end of the month and you give him pocket money.
Your relationship has changed from one of equals to more parent and child.

Happened to a friend of mine. Her ex, after 20 years of being in charge of all money, limiting him to what he needed, paying off all his debts. She got complacent and forgot to check his credit file.
He was made redundant but didn’t tell her so not only blew through his 6 figure redundancy payout but had also, with the clean credit file she had given him had taken loans and credit cards as well. He had been leading a life where he went to “work” and then came home as usual but instead had been gambling all day everyday.

She has thrown the towel in as she can’t do it again. They should have been having a good retirement instead she is working with no idea when she can afford not to work and is regretting not leaving 20 years before.

He also blew through his retirement fund