DH gambling

[Friendlyfired]

Hi everyone.

Firstly we are not in the UK. My DH has been broke a lot lately, more than he should be. Nothing massive just out of cash a few days before pay day so I've had to put diesel in his car etc. I couldn't understand it but hey, we have had a lot going on so I assumed it was innocent. We have a joint account that we pay our bills from and always out in extra to cover things like car repairs and unforseen circumstances. and I recently put €3000 into it to cover my share of the bills while I am on unpaid leave from work (following maternity leave). There should be at least 2k left but he told me the account is nearly empty. I got a shock and quickly had a look on the online banking ( account is in both names but I never bothered setting up an online account, he has it set up from the start). In the 30 seconds I had to look at it there was a lot of transfers to his account. I just had a gut feeling he was gambling... So I asked him. He said he wasn't but I just felt there was more to it. He came back a while later and told me he couldn't lie to me and he used to but it was finished weeks ago. I asked to see the bank accounts, I haven't calculated the amount but it's in the thousands and he had Been gambling the night before. He's spent thousands on online gambling since last December. I was devestated. I feel so lied to and the deceit is devastating. , we are comfortable enough financially but all the money I paid in to cover my unpaid leave is gone so the next few months will be tight. He stole from me effectively.

He realises he has a problem and will get help. We are together 15 years and have 2 amazing children. This year has been hard for him, like a lot of people he found lockdown tough, as well as having bereavements in the family. It's completely out of character for him. Tonight I am going through the bank accounts to see exactly how much it is. I am taking over control of our finances, I'm closing the joint bank account and setting up a new bills account in just my name so I can make sure everything is ok and no money is being taken. He said he is not in debt but I've asked him to get a credit report so I can check. I love him dearly and will stand by him 100%, as long as he gets help. Im confident he will

So Mumsnet, is there anything else I can do? I'm trying to protect myself and my family, we well as supporting him. Or has anyone any advice for me please x

@Bythemillpond 100% this

@Friendlyfired

Are you able to get the mortgage and the house deeds in your name only and you registered at the Land Registry as sole owner?

I ask because a close family member tried to remortgage the house, legally jointly owned with his wife, but solely paid for by her.

For whatever reason (I never heard the final details) he didn't succeed, but he did try. 🌹

@Horehound

Yeh I think you need to give him a chance really. Obviously you will see the real truth when you see his credit report and also I'm sure some accounts on the report and maybe 1-2 months behind so it's worth checking it again in Aug and Sept just to make sure something else doesn't suddenly appear on it. And I'd deffo be checking the PayPal account if you can because people use PayPal to send the bookies money so that is doesn't show on a bank statement. Just giving you some tips to check what he is saying is the truth because that's the crux of it now. You need to be able to trust what he says but you will need to see proof before you can start to trust again

And make sure he gets help for gambling and for the loss of your son.

Thanks for the PayPal tip. I will have a look at that tonight. I know he was using some sort of a prepaid visa card thing... I've checked that and he's closed them. I've asked him for his bank statements again this morning. I told him it was very important. He was very busy yesterday so I'm not going to ask again.

He has started already. He is doing phone counseling again tonight.

@Horehound

Yes good idea re your inheritance. I am not going to lie it is a hard road and when I first stopped gambling it was very very hard. I thought about it loads. I did actually slip up a few times and luckily i won money rather than lost but I imagine if I had lost then id have chased the losses again and got myself into a right pickle..I managed to slip up because I seeked out more sites I hadn't restricted myself on which is why those gamban software things are a good idea because it won't let you onto any gambling site at all. And I know that if I went back and started to play id be hooked as soon as I started up again. It's a battle. So I know so far I have a happyish ending but I could even be being naive about myself. Who knows what can happen in the future and I know I need to actively avoid all things like that.

That sounds so tough horehound. I hope everything stays good for you and you avoid it x

@workshy44

I do think people can recover but this has to be one of the most devastating addictions for those around the addict I had a friend who was a gambling addict, lovely guy great family. Wife stuck by him but they lost everything, the house , cars, the debt was never ending. There was literally no limit to what he could spend She left in the end as she was worried she would spend her old age penniless if she didn't I'm not say leave but I would proceed with extreme caution here and separate your finances as much as possible. He remortgaged their house from under her. I also wouldn't under estimate what a long road you have ahead of you. Most addicts take multiple tries before they get clean. he can do a lot of damage during that time.

Your poor friend. We have a joint mortgage in both our names. I know every bill has been paid. No payments missed. Yes our finances are going to stay separate.

I've told him that of he does this again, it's divorce. He won't see his kids everyday and I think that sunk in... He knows I'm serious.

Does he not have internet banking so you can see his statements/accounts?!

@Hoppinggreen

My CC addiction started after a late Mc Not excusing him at all (or myself) but people can react strangely to stressful events) If you really think he won’t do it again and will help fix it then you stand a good chance of getting through it Good luck and I am very sorry about your son

I'm so sorry for your loss too

I find it an explanation for certain behaviour. I really hope he can fix it

I sent you a message as I didn’t want to say too much here, but in terms of saying you’ll leave him - you do have to mean it (or else don’t say it - I didn’t leave my DH).

Also my DHs gambling addiction started after the loss of his mum - it didn’t make the effect on me any less devastating so while it may explain - in no way does it excuse.

Sorry posted too soon. I’m so sorry for your loss

@AttilaTheMeerkat I really appreciate your input as you really give me food for thought. I was worried that he was just saying what I want to hear but there is something different about him now. He said today he is going to get another phone session today. I'm delighted with that. I used to let him.look after the bills... I will just be doing it now. If he does it again... It's divorce. He knows I'm serious about that. He didn't steal money from him child.. I had money left aside for school stuff and for fun days out this summer... He's doing overtime this weekend and every cent is going towards school books. We will still do our days out.

In terms of me, Ive already sought legal and financial advice which he is unaware of.. and a session with my counselor. Will definitely read that article tonight when I'm a little less busy

He may 100% believe that he has stopped gambling. But it's much harder than saying the words.

@Horehound

Yes the damage can be done in minutes...it's insane. I could spin slots £50-100 each Spin! I'll tell you, you burn through the money fast and when I was losing I'd be thinking "what the hell am I doing?!" And just keep going because if was a click of a button.

If I had a stack of 50's at home and someone said to me "hand me the £50 and you might win some more money" and laugh in their face and tell them to fuck off. Let alone hand over £50 after £50 after £50 which is what I did every few seconds!! It's honestly crazy how it happens

My husband was doing g £500 spins at one point. I was just reading the article posted above about relapses and the thing it doesn’t really articulate is that relapse can be your life savings.

It’s an awful addiction.

Omg @Spacehairdresserandthecowboy it should be illegal to do spins like that. Luckily that wasn't possible on the game i played and o thought actually£200 was the highest a spin could be. Cannot believe £500 a spin omg

Yep, can wipe out years of savings in minutes. Sickening

He now has a massive mountain to climb in terms of gaining your trust back, paying his debts off and working on his addiction. Only he can do this and it's not your place to make sure he's doing it. Put some financial protection in place to make sure he can't access savings etc......... but make sure he's doing this and not you.

I do hope you realize you're going to have to have your head on a swivel and be an amateur detective in the future as long as you all stay together-for now he's doing what you've asked but like all addictions it's very easy to fall off the wagon. In a way I think gambling is a very easy addiction because it's not like alcohol or cigarettes or drugs because it doesn't damage your health physically and these days online gambling is very easy to access-too easy,actually. I think it's an addiction society has been very slow to address. I hope it works out for you and your family.

@Horehound

Omg *@Spacehairdresserandthecowboy* it should be illegal to do spins like that. Luckily that wasn't possible on the game i played and o thought actually£200 was the highest a spin could be. Cannot believe £500 a spin omg

Yep, can wipe out years of savings in minutes. Sickening

I honestly think spins over about ten quid should be illegal based on how quick they are. The rest rates should be increased as well.

I think we have a huge issue coming with online gambling that really isn’t being talked about - and have no doubt it got worse during lockdown.

And the fact that this is the as coming up on this thread says it all

Get your own credit file. Also, confirm with your mortgage provider that your property hasn't been remortgaged.

If he goes to take the dog a walk or to take the kids out, go with him (kids are not allowed in but addicts routinely leave them outside or in the car or in the park). Loading money on a machine and spinning takes less time than it does for you to put on your coat and shoes.

Check his emails, texts, call logs, Whatsapp (or other messaging services) and social media. Companies offer incentives such as vouchers. This also happens in store.

Lock your valuables safely away. If you don't use them daily then you won't notice them missing for some time.

Anti-gambling software will not ban every site, too many countries host too many of them.

If he goes out to the pub or to watch sports, go with him. You could give him a debit card with limited funds and no overdraft facility but addicts do find ways to borrow from others.

All of the above is from experience. In many instances, it is not because the person is bad. It is because addiction eats away at every fibre of their being. You have to be 10 times more vigilant than you think you must.

Good luck with whatever comes next, OP

As the widow of an addict (alcohol) I am not opposed to second chances and I think you're taking sensible steps to protect yourself in case he relapses. That's all you can realistically do - it's all up to him now to get the support he needs and deal with his addiction. Be prepared for it to take years for you to trust him with finances again, if you ever do - he has to accept that, those are his consequences.

Addicts can change - my Dsis partner, also an alcoholic, is going on 11 years sober. I was the unlucky one.

It might sound heartless but I would divorce him and make sure the house was put into my name. I probably would stay and give him a chance to change but if he didn't then it would only be his own future he was destroying not mine. If you don't divorce and he gets further into debt you could lose everything.

The problem is that for the rest of your marriage you will have one eye looking for if he has succumbed again as if you do that then the trust has gone.
My friend said for 10 years everyday she looked at everything because she didn’t trust her dh that he was done with gambling. She took the money they had coming in and slowly paid everyone off. She gradually started to not look every day. Then she just forgot
The next thing she knew it was all gone.
It is a life long commitment and if you take your eye off the ball then you can’t guarantee your future.
You can’t plan for anything because you don’t know what will happen.

It doesn’t matter how committed he is to giving up gambling, it will always be there.

I mean, I think it depends on the scale tbh. My husband doesn't monitor me and never did even after I told him what o had done AND slipped up a few times.

My parents sent us 6k to our joint account and he could have well been concerned about me spending that but I haven't touched it and it's been in our account for months. So I don't think every spouse needs to keep an eye on everything IF the person has taken measures to address their gambling.
Of course there are horrendous stories on here and yes I'd agree in those situations they probably can't be trusted.
But some of us can

Thanks so much to everyone who has given me advice.. I've read it all and taken it on board. He has taken a few steps to get help. He went to the GP today and got antidepressants, a name of an addiction counselor locally and is joining gamblers anonymous. He has sorted all that himself and has left a message for the counselor. He has given me all his bank cards and details of his online banking. We went through his current account last night and there were a few things he had hidden from me, nothing massive but a loan application he made (and cancelled himself thankfully). All positive steps. I'm going to continue to be in control of the family finances... Probably for life. He won't have access to them at all. We are fairly rural, in a small village but the nearest bookies is 20 minutes drive away. I realise it's a life long thing and I completely have my eyes open about it all. He knows we will separate if he does this again.

I'm sure you've thought of this, @Friendlyfired, but I suggest you do a regular check with organisations like Experian to check on your own credit rating as well as your husband's. I'm unsure, but check whether they can email you notifications if your rating is ever negatively affected. Also, would he agree to transfer the house to you, legally? You are trusting him - would he trust you to do this, including on the Land Registry?

I do wish you both a calm future. 🌹