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Original poster

What’s normal in this scenario?

87 replies

StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 18:11

If your DH/DP is a good partner, what would they have done in this scenario?

DH went to work at 7:30am this morning. I had breakfast and watched Love Island and then started cleaning the house. We’ve been having some messy building work done and it was a tip, so just been cleaning and doing house jobs up until DH rang me to say he was on his way home at about 4pm.

I’d prepped some salad bits during the day for tea and we decided we’d have it as soon as DH got back so I get everything out and ready and we ate. Because I was on my feet all day, I was having a bit of pain from a recent sports injury and I mentioned it to him.

After we’d finished eating, DH gets up, says “you can make me a cup of tea” and went and sat on the sofa and put the telly on.

I cleared the table, put all the leftovers away, fed the dogs, loaded the dishwasher, swapped a load of washing over. All things he would know needed doing. There are some clean clothes on the sofa waiting to be folded which he is just sat next to. And I made him a cup of fucking tea.

What would your partner have done? Is it normal to have to do everything? I know the stereotype is that men do nothing and women do everything but is that true? Because he’d been at work does that mean it’s right that I’ve done all that? He has a manual job but he was only doing easier tasks today so he hasn’t been flat out.

I’m struggling with him at the minute and trying to figure everything out, I don’t know what a good relationship should look like. I’m prepared for honest answers either way. I just know if it was the other way around I would have at least helped until everything was done and we could both sit down.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 17/07/2021 18:14

What did you say when he said "you can make me a cup of tea"

StepladderToHeaven · 17/07/2021 18:15

On a day when he's working and you're not, IMO it's normal for you to do the chores.

Of course, the opposite should be true if you're working that day and he's not - what happens then?

It's not ok for him to order you to make him a cup of tea and my DH would never do this.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 17/07/2021 18:16

And did he thank you for the dinner?

Pinkflipflop85 · 17/07/2021 18:16

Is he always a selfish dick?

BumBurnerBum · 17/07/2021 18:16

No. Not acceptable at all. Don't make a rod for your own back.

Maybeone · 17/07/2021 18:19

If he ever said 'you can make me a cup of tea' and plonked his arse down ... Angry

Well, he just wouldn't do such a thing even as a joke.

whyarentiskinnyet · 17/07/2021 18:20

why did he say 'you can make me a cup of tea' rather than 'please could you make me a cup of tea?' - it's just rude to order you to do something regardless of whether he's been working hard or what you have been doing all day. The polite thing to do is to ask for a cup of tea if you'd like someone to make you one.

ahoyshipmates · 17/07/2021 18:20

He might have been working all day, but so were you.

When you're both at home and things need doing, then you should muck in together. You both live in the house, you both create laundry and washing-up. Fair's fair.

As for the cup of tea, he was an arse to tell you to go and make it, especially since you'd mentioned that your old injury was playing up. And talk about making a rod for your own back - you should have left all the rest of the chores and gone and sat down with a cup of tea too.

BigMamaFratelli · 17/07/2021 18:20

Sounds like my ex. I worked pt 4 days a week and he referred to my non working day looking after a 1 year old and a 2 and a half year old as my 'day off'Hmm
Twat.

Mudandrain · 17/07/2021 18:21

I would have said, "You're right. I could make you a cup of tea, but I'm not going to." I never understand why people don't just tell tell partners they are being rude.

Unanananana · 17/07/2021 18:22

@Maybeone

If he ever said 'you can make me a cup of tea' and plonked his arse down ... Angry

Well, he just wouldn't do such a thing even as a joke.

DP would be wearing the kettle if he spoke to me like his maid. I wouldn't dream of saying it to him either.

Do you enjoy doing everything? Whats the point of him?

FetchezLaVache · 17/07/2021 18:24

You're not the woman he got allocated for working hard.

My DP wouldn't phrase a request for a cup of tea like that twice.

TheFoundations · 17/07/2021 18:25

It doesn't matter what's normal. You're not happy.

In good relationships, people express when they're not happy, and their partner respects what they say.

What is stopping you from having a conversation with your husband about this?

Bas27 · 17/07/2021 18:26

IMO in a healthy relationship - you've both
Been working all day n different ways. DH should help when he gets home. I'm lucky my DH does. He also makes his own tea and wouldn't get one of f he didn't ask
Nicely.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/07/2021 18:27

I wouldn't tolerate 'you can make me a cup of tea' at all.
I've no interest or desire to have a relationship where somebody talks to me like that. I'd rather be single.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 17/07/2021 18:27

He'd have loaded the dishwasher, made the brews and probably folded the clothes rather than sit next to messy ones.
He'd never tell me to make a cup of tea, that's just rude.

I'd expect to do the majority of chores if he'd been out at work all day but he would do them on days when I'm at work.

Ohpulltheotherone · 17/07/2021 18:28

A good relationship is one where both partners are equals. That doesn’t allow mean that chores are split 50/50 every day of your life! Of course sometimes you might do a bit more cleaning or cooking or there might be days where you’re super busy with work or family and your partner does a bit more.
It’s swings and roundabouts so whilst day to day there can be one or the other taking more of the mental load on, overall it really should be equal.

Why wouldn’t it be OP? Why would anyone think it’s OK that one partner does all the cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

Every relationship is different, the important question to ask yourself is do you feel like an equal partner, or more importantly does your partner treat you like an equal?

Iggyplop · 17/07/2021 18:28

Your doing far too much. Allocate him some jobs to help you out your not a slave to the bloody house.Oh and he can make his own f..ing tea.

MotionActivatedDog · 17/07/2021 18:30

No one I’ve ever dated would say “you can make me a cup of tea” and seriously expect it to happen. They might ask “could you make me a cup of tea, please?” And I probably would. But none of them would issue it like an order.

Sexnotgender · 17/07/2021 18:31

No my husband wouldn’t do that.

He’d have cleared away dinner with me then we’d have sat down together. One of us would have made tea later, it’s quite an even split as to who makes it. He’d never demand a cup like that.

Notaroadrunner · 17/07/2021 18:35

I work part time from home so am home all day. I do the bulk of the housework and cook the dinner. As soon as Dh comes in he'll have his dinner and then he gets up, washes any pots, tidies the kitchen, asks me if I would like tea and nearly always goes up with Ds when it's bedtime. He'll empty the dishwasher if he notices it's done before me. At the weekends he puts on washing, will hang it on the line, cleans the bathroom, does any gardening required and spends time playing with Ds. Maybe I'm spoiled but really, anyone who would wait on their other half, hand and foot, just because they work outside the home all day, is creating a rod for their own back. The working day does not end once they leave the office if there are chores to be done at home that the sahp cannot get done for whatever reasons.

Original poster
StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 18:35

To be clear, I don’t have an issue doing the tidying etc today. It needed doing, I was here, that’s fine.

My issue is really the fact that he knew I was in pain but still didn’t do anything to help me and felt he just deserved to sit down while there were still chores to be done. I feel like he thinks he’s more important than me.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 17/07/2021 18:37

I feel like he thinks he’s more important than me.
I suspect you’re probably right.

IsThePopeCatholic · 17/07/2021 18:38

Unacceptable behaviour, op. You’ve been working hard at home, so why should you be at his beck and call? He’s treating you disrespectfully. You deserve better.

MotionActivatedDog · 17/07/2021 18:43

What was your response to him OP? Mine would have been along the lines of “sure stick the kettle on there and you can brew it while we’re tidying the kitchen.”