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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What’s normal in this scenario?

87 replies

StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 18:11

If your DH/DP is a good partner, what would they have done in this scenario?

DH went to work at 7:30am this morning. I had breakfast and watched Love Island and then started cleaning the house. We’ve been having some messy building work done and it was a tip, so just been cleaning and doing house jobs up until DH rang me to say he was on his way home at about 4pm.

I’d prepped some salad bits during the day for tea and we decided we’d have it as soon as DH got back so I get everything out and ready and we ate. Because I was on my feet all day, I was having a bit of pain from a recent sports injury and I mentioned it to him.

After we’d finished eating, DH gets up, says “you can make me a cup of tea” and went and sat on the sofa and put the telly on.

I cleared the table, put all the leftovers away, fed the dogs, loaded the dishwasher, swapped a load of washing over. All things he would know needed doing. There are some clean clothes on the sofa waiting to be folded which he is just sat next to. And I made him a cup of fucking tea.

What would your partner have done? Is it normal to have to do everything? I know the stereotype is that men do nothing and women do everything but is that true? Because he’d been at work does that mean it’s right that I’ve done all that? He has a manual job but he was only doing easier tasks today so he hasn’t been flat out.

I’m struggling with him at the minute and trying to figure everything out, I don’t know what a good relationship should look like. I’m prepared for honest answers either way. I just know if it was the other way around I would have at least helped until everything was done and we could both sit down.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 17/07/2021 18:45

I feel like he thinks he’s more important than me

Have you spoken to him about this? It's not the kind of feeling that comes from one evening. You've felt like this a long time, right?

SmallGreenStripes · 17/07/2021 19:05

My DH would have said - you sit down, I’ll clear up and make us a cuppa

He has never, never ‘told’ me to make him a cup of tea

pinkflask · 17/07/2021 19:11

DP would have thanked me for the meal (and bustled about trying to help while I finished making it), washed up, got the DC in to help dry and put away, offered to help hang the washing out and spent time organising himself for the next day. Then we’d both have time to sit down together for a drink and a chat. If I hadn’t even done anything during the day he’d probably say “well, you needed a rest” and crack on regardless. Because of this I have no issue with him going away for a couple of days or taking lazy days for himself. We both share the load and so we both get time to relax too - it’s win-win.

magicstar1 · 17/07/2021 19:17

We share all the chores. In your situation I would have sat down and left the rest. DH would probably have filled the dishwasher etc. and he’d have made me tea.

Wjevtvha · 17/07/2021 19:20

I would have told him to shove his cup of tea up his arse. My DH would have cleared up after dinner because I’d prepped the dinner (in actual fact he’d probably have left it and said he’d do it later and I’ve learnt that even if that means it’s done tomorrow morning then that’s fine)

Wjevtvha · 17/07/2021 19:21

Just to add my DH is not great at sharing chores but I push back a lot and have some firm boundaries about it

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2021 19:23

What would my DH have done?

Picked himself up off the front path where he'd be laying because I'd thrown him out of the house for talking to me like that.

"You can make me a cup of tea"? You can fuck off.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 17/07/2021 19:27

Him: "You can make me a cup of tea."
You: "Wanna bet?"

Colourmeclear · 17/07/2021 19:29

My partner would have have fallen over with shock if I cooked. I never cook. I would have mentioned what needed doing and could he help. He would probably have said no, let's do it tomorrow it's not important lets spend some time together or you sit down etc.

However this isn't really a question of wanting what is normal or accepting what is normal it's about finding what you want to be YOUR normal. There are many things that people find normal that for me are complete deal breakers and that's fine. They are my boundaries not society's. I have to live with it day in and day out and I should make sure that I surround myself with people who treat me how I want to be treated.

Maybeone · 17/07/2021 19:29

Him: "You can make me a cup of tea."
Me: "Go fuck yourself"

Samanabanana · 17/07/2021 19:34

If my DH said "you can make me a cup of tea" I'd have told him to fuck off. He is selfish and I hope you feel you can stand up to him next time he says ir does something similar

Original poster

StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 19:39

@TheFoundations

I feel like he thinks he’s more important than me

Have you spoken to him about this? It's not the kind of feeling that comes from one evening. You've felt like this a long time, right?

Yes I have felt like this for a long time, but I feel like everything’s coming to a bit of a head for me at the minute.

We have spoken about it before but nothing ever changes. He sees it as my job to do any house work, and he has such an attitude about his own job, he’s the same with everyone. He can’t stand anyone saying they’re tired or had a hard days work, he always will comment on it afterwards in private to me (or sometimes to their face) “if they think that’s hard should try being me for a day” etc

OP posts:

Original poster

StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 19:41

@SmallGreenStripes

My DH would have said - you sit down, I’ll clear up and make us a cuppa

He has never, never ‘told’ me to make him a cup of tea

I would love that so much in a partner. I don’t expect to be waited on hand and foot but the thought of someone recognising I’ve had a difficult day for whatever reason or not feeling 100% and just take care of me even in such a small way would be bliss

OP posts:

Original poster

StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 19:44

@Samanabanana

If my DH said "you can make me a cup of tea" I'd have told him to fuck off. He is selfish and I hope you feel you can stand up to him next time he says ir does something similar

I hve stood up to him before, I often do. I’m not scared of him but I don’t know why I act this way.

If I say no he is just relentless “please” “I’ve been at work all day and I’m tired” “go on” “I’m so thirsty” “if you loved me you would” just over and over again and then he just repeats that I don’t love him. He won’t stop. If I snapped and shouted at him and told him to fuck off he would leave it five minutes and start again.

OP posts:

Maybeone · 17/07/2021 19:47

LTB

BackforGood · 17/07/2021 19:52

Two separate things here.

One is the way he spoke to you - totally wrong and not something I'd put up with
but

the other is the 'share' of jobs.

A long standing MN mantra is that "you should both have equal free time".
You started your OP, with DH went to work at 7:30am this morning. I had breakfast and watched Love Island and then started cleaning the house. Surely his "plonking himself on the sofa" is his equivalent of you sitting watching Love Island for an hour (or however long it takes) this morning ? I don't see why so many posters are frothing over that.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 17/07/2021 19:53

Yuck.
You’re not here to pander to this whiny little man.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2021 20:02

You started your OP, with DH went to work at 7:30am this morning. I had breakfast and watched Love Island and then started cleaning the house. Surely his "plonking himself on the sofa" is his equivalent of you sitting watching Love Island for an hour (or however long it takes) this morning ? I don't see why so many posters are frothing over that.

Because while she's watching, he isn't serving her drinks. It's the demand for drinks, not the rest, that's the issue for me.

Original poster

StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 20:02

@BackforGood

Two separate things here.

One is the way he spoke to you - totally wrong and not something I'd put up with
but

That’s a fair point and what makes me think I’m maybe being unreasonable.

I don’t mind doing the lions share of house work, I really don’t. I think what I mind is more that I don’t feel respected or valued or cared for.

OP posts:

layladomino · 17/07/2021 20:04

You should have a fair share of working and down time. So if we're being scrupulously fair, if your DH went to work at 7.30 and you started at, say, 8.30am, then it would be fair if you worked an extra hour at the end of the day (presuming you both had the same sort of break for lunch).

That said, the way he speaks to you is disgusting. The fact he thinks all house work is your job is appalling. And to be honest, in this house, we all get up after a meal and kind of share the pots / tidying the kitchen / anything else that needs doing before we can sit down.

It's all about love and respect for each other, and wanting to share the burden. That has to go both ways.

You being in pain really wasn't relevant - his attitude is bad even if you weren't. He doesn't sound like he respects for you at all.

Original poster

StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 20:06

And he also didn’t have to work today. He was doing overtime. Which is another issue, he does it every Saturday and there’s no need for it. I asked him to compromise and do every other Saturday, but he won’t. We don’t need the money as such. He just likes to do it, and means he has an excuse not to do anything with me or in the house all weekend.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 17/07/2021 20:16

MrsTerryPratchett - and that's why I said there are two separate issues.

worktrip · 17/07/2021 20:31

I hope you spat in his tea.

worktrip · 17/07/2021 20:33

On a sensible note. Ask him if he feels this is acceptable behaviour from him. Ask him if he would like to be ordered to make tea. Ask him if he would like help if he had an injury. Ask him if he feels you deserve a break too.

Listen very carefully to his answers, and pack your bags if none of them are satisfactory

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 17/07/2021 20:38

There seems to be a lot of spoilt husbands on here at the moment demanding or expecting their partners to do things for them that to me are basic living skills they should be doing themselves.

My dh would never tell me to make him a drink or actually ask me because if he wanted a drink he'd get up and make it himself and ask if I wanted one while he was there.

Seriously op tell him he's a grown adult responsible for keeping himself hydrated not a bloody child and embarrass him about it.

I would ask if his hands are broken next time

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