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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What’s normal in this scenario?

87 replies

StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 18:11

If your DH/DP is a good partner, what would they have done in this scenario?

DH went to work at 7:30am this morning. I had breakfast and watched Love Island and then started cleaning the house. We’ve been having some messy building work done and it was a tip, so just been cleaning and doing house jobs up until DH rang me to say he was on his way home at about 4pm.

I’d prepped some salad bits during the day for tea and we decided we’d have it as soon as DH got back so I get everything out and ready and we ate. Because I was on my feet all day, I was having a bit of pain from a recent sports injury and I mentioned it to him.

After we’d finished eating, DH gets up, says “you can make me a cup of tea” and went and sat on the sofa and put the telly on.

I cleared the table, put all the leftovers away, fed the dogs, loaded the dishwasher, swapped a load of washing over. All things he would know needed doing. There are some clean clothes on the sofa waiting to be folded which he is just sat next to. And I made him a cup of fucking tea.

What would your partner have done? Is it normal to have to do everything? I know the stereotype is that men do nothing and women do everything but is that true? Because he’d been at work does that mean it’s right that I’ve done all that? He has a manual job but he was only doing easier tasks today so he hasn’t been flat out.

I’m struggling with him at the minute and trying to figure everything out, I don’t know what a good relationship should look like. I’m prepared for honest answers either way. I just know if it was the other way around I would have at least helped until everything was done and we could both sit down.

OP posts:
WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 17/07/2021 20:44

My DP would have thanked me for the food and went and sat down. He wouldn’t automatically clean up or tell me to rest. But he wouldn’t demand a cuppa either. He’s a lazy bastard but he isn’t entitled about it, at least not overtly.

MissyB1 · 17/07/2021 20:57

So he went to work - big fat hairy deal! On my husbands work days he will often come home and cook, then load the dishwasher. On My work days I will also often do that. We aren't precious about who has been to work and who hasn't. We just get all the jobs done between us.
" you can make me a cup of tea"

"eermm.. no you appear to have two hands so you can make your own"

WhileMyMeringueGentlyWeeps · 17/07/2021 20:59

I think I'd have made a joke of it along the lines of "Oh I will eh?" and maybe snuggled up to him the sofa saying yeah you're right the rest of the chores can wait.
If his reaction was in any way negative then I'd be considering my next move carefully.

countdowntonap · 17/07/2021 21:04

Do you have children? If not, yes you should make him a drink - without asking! What would your life be like without his income!

Original poster
StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 21:08

@countdowntonap

Do you have children? If not, yes you should make him a drink - without asking! What would your life be like without his income!
I can’t quite tell if this is sarcasm? I hope so. I’d be fine without his income. I have my own perfectly good income. We make similar amounts now.
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2021 21:11

@countdowntonap

Do you have children? If not, yes you should make him a drink - without asking! What would your life be like without his income!
I have a kid and work. Where are my cups of tea?
firstonealong · 17/07/2021 21:13

To me you did a fair share and sorry but yes agree plonking in front of sofa is his equivalent love island
But I love that you were honest to tell us that
So many wouldn't have
His saying "make me a cup of tea" is actually shocking to me
If my dh had said that to me when together I would have laughed In his face and said who do you think you are ?
THAT on its own is unacceptable

arethereanyleftatall · 17/07/2021 21:15

@countdowntonap

Do you have children? If not, yes you should make him a drink - without asking! What would your life be like without his income!
What a terribly sexist assumption - and, incorrect it seems now that the op has explained she works.
firstonealong · 17/07/2021 21:15

I also identify with him not accepting other physical problems although with my exdh it was emotional ie he had no empathy for others mental health problems until he had them himself
You need a serious word with him about respect towards you

bigbaggyeyes · 17/07/2021 21:18

If my dh has said that I'd have been happy to do all the above and make him a cuppa. Why? Because 9 times out of 10 he does more than me and works more hours. If your situation was the norm he'd be wearing his cuppa

user27424799642256 · 17/07/2021 21:21

I know the stereotype is that men do nothing and women do everything but is that true?

In an abusive relationship, sure. Otherwise, no.

Where are you getting that stereotype? Your own upbringing?

He uses coercion to control you. That's abuse, regardless of whether he uses so-called "abusive" language.

The Freedom Programme course does set out what a healthy relationship with a decent-but-imperfect human being should look like, if you're struggling to process things.

How does the way you're living and being treated enhance your life?

TheFoundations · 17/07/2021 21:23

Why do you stay with him, OP? What stops you leaving?

user27424799642256 · 17/07/2021 21:23

sorry but yes agree plonking in front of sofa is his equivalent love island

No, you haven't read this correctly then. The op wasn't watching love island whilst clicking her fingers at him commanding him to serve her drinks and clean up after her.

TheFoundations · 17/07/2021 21:26

@countdowntonap

Do you have children? If not, yes you should make him a drink - without asking! What would your life be like without his income!
Like a paid servant, you mean?
countdowntonap · 17/07/2021 21:59

Well, what is the husband if not a cash cow?

countdowntonap · 17/07/2021 22:01

If I’d been at work all day and DH hadn’t, he wouldn’t feel umbrage to make me a brew. On days where I’m off and DH isn’t, it’s nice to treat him to a relaxing day. You’d been at home and he’d been at work, yes?

firstonealong · 17/07/2021 22:14

@user27424799642256

sorry but yes agree plonking in front of sofa is his equivalent love island

No, you haven't read this correctly then. The op wasn't watching love island whilst clicking her fingers at him commanding him to serve her drinks and clean up after her.

Agree - but I didn't include clicking fingers it was purely the lounging on sofa I referred to
firstonealong · 17/07/2021 22:16

Actually you didn't quote me but I made a similar point
Also - I would of course be happy to make dh / exdh a cup of tea it was the way he expected it that is not acceptable
Surely that is obvious

Farwest · 17/07/2021 22:23

You two have vastly different expectations of your relationship and it's not fixable. He thinks you are there to support him: clean the house, make the meals, do the laundry, make the tea. He is a whiny, bullying shit if you refuse. He does not see himself as equally responsible for easing your way.

First, you need to stop being the servant he demands you to be. If he whines, you ask him to leave. Just like with toddlers, it is very important never to give in to whining: he does it because he knows it works.

I think you need out of this relationship. You don't want to be his servant, and he bullies you if you are not.

There really is no future here for you, if what he wants is your unthinking compliance.

Original poster
StrawberryMargarita · 17/07/2021 22:35

@TheFoundations

Why do you stay with him, OP? What stops you leaving?
I'm not sure. I think it's only just occured to me that actually, I can leave him if I want to. I like my job, it pays enough I could support myself on my own, and I have some savings. Enough to get somewhere else to live.

I think it's because I feel like I can't trust my judgement. This has all come to a head recently and I don't know if I genuinely feel like I want to leave him or if I'm having a mental breakdown.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/07/2021 22:39

Are you happy OP because I think in a loving relationship normal would at least be sorry you are in pain I will make you a cup of tea

TheFoundations · 17/07/2021 22:41

Do you generally feel like you might be having a mental breakdown, or do you just feel you lose it a bit in your dealings with your husband?

How are the other relationships in your life? Do you trust your judgment there?

Farwest · 17/07/2021 23:26

I don't know if I genuinely feel like I want to leave him or if I'm having a mental breakdown.

It's not easy to live as you are, being forced daily to be someone you are not (his support human) and being ground down a little more every day. Take some time for you - a trial seperation. Your 'mental breakdown' may be your reaction to living with a bully.

We know that his behaviour is a problem. I would say it's safe to assume that your brain is working perfectly well when it revolts against this situation.

me4real · 18/07/2021 01:20

He's a dickhead OP. You know what a decent partner would do because you know what you would do. You:- 'oh my leg is giving me jip.' Mr Not-Dickhead:- 'Aw, sit yourself down and I'll fetch you an ibuprofen and a cup of tea.' (Or insert whatever action that would've been helpful here.)

Deadringer · 18/07/2021 01:26

Sounds like he thinks you are the housekeeper. My dh always cleans up after dinner and brings me in a cup of tea, whether i have been working or not.