What’s normal in this scenario?

[StrawberryMargarita]

If your DH/DP is a good partner, what would they have done in this scenario?

DH went to work at 7:30am this morning. I had breakfast and watched Love Island and then started cleaning the house. We’ve been having some messy building work done and it was a tip, so just been cleaning and doing house jobs up until DH rang me to say he was on his way home at about 4pm.

I’d prepped some salad bits during the day for tea and we decided we’d have it as soon as DH got back so I get everything out and ready and we ate. Because I was on my feet all day, I was having a bit of pain from a recent sports injury and I mentioned it to him.

After we’d finished eating, DH gets up, says “you can make me a cup of tea” and went and sat on the sofa and put the telly on.

I cleared the table, put all the leftovers away, fed the dogs, loaded the dishwasher, swapped a load of washing over. All things he would know needed doing. There are some clean clothes on the sofa waiting to be folded which he is just sat next to. And I made him a cup of fucking tea.

What would your partner have done? Is it normal to have to do everything? I know the stereotype is that men do nothing and women do everything but is that true? Because he’d been at work does that mean it’s right that I’ve done all that? He has a manual job but he was only doing easier tasks today so he hasn’t been flat out.

I’m struggling with him at the minute and trying to figure everything out, I don’t know what a good relationship should look like. I’m prepared for honest answers either way. I just know if it was the other way around I would have at least helped until everything was done and we could both sit down.

I don't know if I genuinely feel like I want to leave him or if I'm having a mental breakdown.

What’s that saying...
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

My issue is really the fact that he knew I was in pain but still didn’t do anything to help me and felt he just deserved to sit down while there were still chores to be done. I feel like he thinks he’s more important than me

He's not kind is he OP? That's the problem ,kindness is important .Soon you will find yourself unable to be intimate with him and the gulf between you (you're kind and you imagine he should be) will widen into the Grand Canyon .

100% I would know my Dh would say come sit down now I'll make us a cup of tea, leave the washing it can wait.

He sounds awful. Aside from the fact he treats you like a subordinate, this kind of attitude would have me leaving:

He can’t stand anyone saying they’re tired or had a hard days work, he always will comment on it afterwards in private to me (or sometimes to their face) “if they think that’s hard should try being me for a day” etc

I can't stand this kind of "woe is me" attitude! If he finds his job such hard work, then he should find another instead of being a bloody martyr.

Just ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life

You can leave him if you want to! My dh has never in my life said you can make me a cup of tea. He has however brought me one many times. That conversation where you describe how it would play out if you said no is AWFUL. I don’t know how you wouldn’t just scream at him after the if you loved me you’d do it ‘well no I fucking don’t when you’re like this maybe you could make me a cup of tea and clean up after us for once in your fucking life!!’

In our house, because all relationships are different. On any day DP wouldn't even think of "telling " me to make him a cup of tea. I'm somewhat direct so that phrase would have resulted in a raised eyebrow and "I'm sorry what did you just say?".

That said he may well sit next to a pile of laundry and not touch it. Someday he will "see" the jobs and some days I need to tell him but in general he is pretty good. I don't often have to say it. However if he knows I am in pain or ill then he will do everything without question. I will say he doesn't always do it in the same timetable I would.

So I like to have things like the dishwasher and laundry done before I sit down to relax. DP will absolutely do it but not necessarily when I want him to. So last night I dozed off on the sofa (not feeling great lately) I had three jobs to do before DC got home. Laundry , cutting back the overgrown vine in the garden and empty the dishwasher. Most women would logically know the washing and the dishwasher take precedence but dp did the vine first , sat down for a bit , then half the washing, half the dishwasher , the rest of the washing and then the rest of the dishwasher.

So he would help but not in the way I would.

But "You can make me a cup of tea"? Hah even DC would be surprised at DP saying that. I'd pull him up that definitely.

My husband does a physical job, he does most of the cooking as he's good at it and I'm not.

He also does most of the cleaning as he says he does it better than me (this is actually true he's not just saying it to be a knob)

I clean the bathroom and toilet and do all the clothes washing and ironing. I make his packed lunch every day too

He's never said "you can make me a cup of tea" he knows I'd tell him to FO

At the weekend if he sees me making a cuppa he has sometimes said "I'll have one too please" which I dont mind.

OP, if you are who I think you are, you have made multiple threads detailing just how appalling your H is. You've tried to get away a number of times. Please, try again.
If you are not who I think, many apologies, but your H is still an arse and a serious talk needs to be had with him about dividing up household jobs more fairly.

He should have made you a cup of tea and said sit down for a bit. If someone just said make me a cup of tea I would ask why are your hands broken. I would do anything for anyone but not if it is just expected and you should have jobs you both do in the house. If you prepare the meal he should clear up, help with dishes etc. Take turns do washing. Do not start by doing it all as you will so regret it especially if there are children involved. That is why I live with just myself and my son as will not be clearing up after a man.

He sounds a lazy misogynistic arse.

So even though you both work all the housework is yours too?

You should have equal leisure time and you should be showing your love and carr for one another through actions.

I wouldn’t say my DH is perfect but no that’s not normal.
We take it in turns to do the kitchen or put kids to bed. We make each other tea.