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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive husband, can he change

102 replies

jojo220263 · 15/07/2021 17:32

My husband was abusive verbally for 30yrs, I have been separated for 2yrs, he had a big breakdown and we have been talking about getting back together he does seem different now. My daughter who was 5 when I met him says she won’t talk to me if I go back to him, I feel really confused on what to do.

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 15/07/2021 17:34

This has bad idea written all over it.

user27424799642256 · 15/07/2021 17:35

No.

They all pretend to change to get control back.

Lots of them pretend to have breakdowns for that reason too.

Listen to your daughter. It really shouldn't be confusing.

user27424799642256 · 15/07/2021 17:36

Abuse is about power and control.

SecretOfChange · 15/07/2021 17:40

Has he addressed his abusive tendencies? Attended DVPP course, anger management course,.. anything?... Or is it all just his words.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2021 17:41

Going back to him will be the biggest mistake of your life. Do not do this, he will never, ever change. There is nothing to be confused about here.

VanGoSunflowers · 15/07/2021 17:42

@user27424799642256

No.

They all pretend to change to get control back.

Lots of them pretend to have breakdowns for that reason too.

Listen to your daughter. It really shouldn't be confusing.

I agree with this. Don’t go back there, OP. People rarely change to this sort of level.
Holothane · 15/07/2021 17:46

Don’t even go there, he’ll never change he’s missing his laundry cooking sex slave whatever,. You’ve had a taste of freedom, go back oh good god no.

wedswench · 15/07/2021 17:48

I watched a documentary once (wish I could remember where or what it was called) about abusive men sent on the course they have to do after a conviction. It followed the course then caught up with them later down the line and not one single one had changed.

I don't think they can ever change.

Sunbird24 · 15/07/2021 17:50

Don’t do it Op. if he didn’t want to change in the 30 years you were together it’s incredibly unlikely he’s managed it now. st least for any longer than it might take him to try and persuade you otherwise.

cakeandchampagne · 15/07/2021 17:55

@Aquamarine1029

Going back to him will be the biggest mistake of your life. Do not do this, he will never, ever change. There is nothing to be confused about here.
Exactly this.
nolovelost · 15/07/2021 18:13

Says it all OP if you child is saying this. You'd be the biggest fool in Fooland if you took him back.

andbreeeathe · 15/07/2021 18:15

Trust your daughter

TheFoundations · 15/07/2021 18:16

Surely if you felt you were going to be able to trust him, you wouldn't be posting 'I'm so confused' on an internet forum?

Which answer would you prefer to hear? Go back, or turn him down?

coodawoodashooda · 15/07/2021 18:18

I wished my abusive xh would change. He wont op. And youll lose your daughter.

PickAChew · 15/07/2021 18:18

He had 30 years to change. The fact that he's on his best behaviour, trying to reel you back on, is meaningless.

HerMammy · 15/07/2021 18:20

Do not lose your daughter to this abuser, put her first.

layladomino · 15/07/2021 18:21

I can't believe you're even asking. Your choice is between the man who abused you for years (and presumably made your DD miserable based on her views v a relationship with your daughter.

Would you seriously even consider for a nano second choosing him over your daughter??????????

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 15/07/2021 18:21

I don't understand what's confusing.

Pick your child over a man, every time. Every. Single. Time.

girlmom21 · 15/07/2021 18:23

He hasn't changed and you deserve better. It'll start again and it'll be a 'slip up' then as he gets comfortable it'll go back to how it was.

Pick your girl every time!

Crabwoman · 15/07/2021 18:24

They never change. He's probably realised that his options are limited after a few years ('most' woman won't put up with that shit) and he will pull out all the stops to say 'he has changed' as he knows you are vulnerable.

After 30 years he know which buttons to press.

If you go back you will be stuck again in an abusive relationship with a daughter who has washed her hands of you. Guaranteed.

KirstenBlest · 15/07/2021 18:25

Do not go back. He will have changed until he gets his feet under the table, then he'll be abusive. Leopards and spots.

Nanny0gg · 15/07/2021 18:30

So he's ruined yours and your children,'s lives for 30 years.

Don't even think about it

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/07/2021 18:36

Why do you think he would change after 30 years? Are you going to risk losing your daughter and her respect over this.
My abusive ex husband certainly hasn't changed for the last 40 years despite having a cry and feeling sorry for himself from time to time.

willowmelangell · 15/07/2021 18:57

Why would you even consider this!
Have you minimised the mental torture he put you and dd through? Are you afraid of being alone and thinking better the devil you know?
If you saw your dd getting abused verbally for 30 years and applauded her for getting away, how would you react if she said she was thinking of going back to the abuser??
Stay single and build up your self worth. Get stronger by saying 'no'.

Why are you letting him mess up your head? Stop listening to him, stop talking to him. You know this man is so horrible you had to get away to save your sanity. Don't forget that, ever.

MotherOfDemons · 15/07/2021 19:03

He could change, but he will never, ever change with you.

My ex changed for someone else and went back into old habits with me. I will never know if he truly did change for her but no amount of time and therapy and working on himself ever helped him treat me differently.