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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive husband, can he change

102 replies

jojo220263 · 15/07/2021 17:32

My husband was abusive verbally for 30yrs, I have been separated for 2yrs, he had a big breakdown and we have been talking about getting back together he does seem different now. My daughter who was 5 when I met him says she won’t talk to me if I go back to him, I feel really confused on what to do.

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 16/07/2021 11:51

@Passingahat

Prehaps i differ from other commenters as i do believe that people can change. I work in a field where I see it happen, however a big part of that is accepting that a change in the present doesnt change the impact of what has happened in the past.

However I don't believe that any progress works by going back to an old relationship. You will end up reverting to old patterns, and old behaviours.

Can you genuinely ever trust this person again? What will happen after your first fight? For both of you the exact same conditions are met, all the history that comes before will keep you both in a bad place

Change needs to be future focused and if he has changed he should know that

What about her daughter though?
nameisnotimportant · 16/07/2021 11:54

No please don't. I was the child in this situation and it does not go well. Move on with your life

Jurassicparkinajug · 16/07/2021 12:03

He is doing what he's always done, manipulating you and you can't see it. He won't have changed.
Your daughter has clearly been so affected by her childhood she is telling you she won't have a relationship with you if you go back. Please open your eyes before you lose your daughter.

AnxiousWeirdo · 16/07/2021 12:06

I'm just about to leave an abusive relationship. Please don't go back to yours.

Original poster
jojo220263 · 16/07/2021 12:20

It’s not easy to leave and it’s hard to stay away when it’s been such a long marriage even though it wasn’t a great marriage

OP posts:
JSL52 · 16/07/2021 12:27

@jojo220263

It’s not easy to leave and it’s hard to stay away when it’s been such a long marriage even though it wasn’t a great marriage
It wasn't great , it won't be now. Don't do it.
Newestname001 · 16/07/2021 12:35

@jojo220263

Please don't consider giving up the freedom you've had for the two years you've been separated and even more importantly, your relationship with your daughter and your grandchildren for someone who treated you so badly for so long. 30 years - how could you bear it?

I agree with @youvegottenminuteslynn

Goodness. I think you should think seriously about some counselling as that isn't a decision you will find confusing or difficult once you've started to process and work on the trauma this relationship caused.

Choose her. Seriously, choose her.

That you are even considering going back to such a terrible relationship (it wasn't just "not great") is so sad.

Please value yourself better than you seem to, and get professional help to strengthen your boundaries so you can cut this awful person out of your life for good. 🌹

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 16/07/2021 12:40

If my mum stayed with someone abusive for 30 years (which inevitably would have affected my entire life), managed to separate from him, and then chose to go back, I probably wouldn't speak to her again either. I understand it isn't easy to leave, but you're separated. The hard part is done. No amount of 'changing' can make up for decades of abuse and thinking everything will be better this time is so, so naïve. When it happens again, who will you have?

Choose happiness. Choose moving forward and continuing your new life. Choose your grandchildren. Choose your own self worth over the victim he wants you to be. Choose your daughter over the man that abused you for most of her lifetime, and understand she's trying to protect you. Let her.

Neveragain4 · 16/07/2021 13:19

No!!!

Sarahlou63 · 16/07/2021 13:29

@jojo220263

It’s not easy to leave and it’s hard to stay away when it’s been such a long marriage even though it wasn’t a great marriage
That is such a sad statement.
Dillydollydingdong · 16/07/2021 13:31

A leopard never changes it's spots. Don't have him back under any circumstances.

OverTheRubicon · 16/07/2021 13:34

@jojo220263

It’s not easy to leave and it’s hard to stay away when it’s been such a long marriage even though it wasn’t a great marriage
I feel the same way. People who haven't been there don't understand. There's so much shared history, and lots of good times among the bad (and often right after the bad, when he would be on his best best best behaviour and the details of what went before would get foggy in your mind), and always that niggling suspicion that maybe if he could commit to not flaring up, and you could be a bit of a better wife, then it would be good times all the time.

But it won't be. You and I both need to remember that.

Did you ever write down what went on with the abuse? Sometimes I need to reread my notes to remember, because your brain often fuzzes out times when you were most afraid or upset, it helps me (not perfectly, I'm on try #3 to separate now, but am getting there).

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/07/2021 13:59

@jojo220263

It’s not easy to leave and it’s hard to stay away when it’s been such a long marriage even though it wasn’t a great marriage
Surely it's easier to lose him than lose your daughter?

She had to grow up in an abusive home because of the partner you chose and then stayed with for 30 years. Yes, he is the abuser but the home was abusive and she was the only one with no say about living in that abusive home.

Now you're considering returning to your abuser despite her literally telling you that if you do, she will have no contact with you?

If I was her I would be utterly heartbroken and feel so rejected and sidelined I would need some specific counselling to process how my mother could make such a decision and lose me in the process.

FancyFlipFlops · 16/07/2021 16:36

Have a look at doing the Freedom Programme

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Do you think your daughter says if you go back to him I’ll never talk to you again lightly. She loves you and wants what is best for you. Please don’t go back to him. My friend did and she’s no longer with us. I miss her every day.

MintyCedric · 16/07/2021 16:39

There is no way I would choose a man over my relationship with my daughter...not even if he had a personality transplant and a 10 inch cold plated dick...not a chance.

Kanaloa · 16/07/2021 16:42

Absolutely listen to your daughter. If anything, it will be worse now, because if you go back then you have shown him he can treat you as badly as he likes and you will take him back.

I don’t blame your daughter. When someone you love is living in an abusive relationship, sometimes you have to draw the line where you say ‘I can’t support this any longer.’

Queenie6655 · 16/07/2021 16:47

It will be different

It will be rosey for a short while

Then it will get EVEN WORSE
Been there

Please don't do it

grecianurn82 · 16/07/2021 16:55

He won't change and you will lose your daughter in the process. Don't do it.

candycane222 · 16/07/2021 16:58

If you have him back, he won't be afraid to treat you even worse this time around.

TheFoundations · 16/07/2021 18:52

@jojo220263

It’s not easy to leave and it’s hard to stay away when it’s been such a long marriage even though it wasn’t a great marriage
It's never easy to leave an abuser, otherwise we would just leave at the first sign of abuse, and nobody would have these 'I've been with my abuser for x amount of years and I can't leave' stories.

Nobody finds it easy, OP. The things in life that are enormously important never are. But however hard it is, it won't be as hard as getting to 80 years old and thinking 'I wasted my ENTIRE adult life by choosing to be with somebody who I knew was abusive.'

Do you think you'd be posting here if you trusted him not to return to abusing you?

bigbaggyeyes · 16/07/2021 19:02

It's simple, you choose him or your dd.

spookybitches · 16/07/2021 19:17

So... you're trying to decide between a man that abused you for years or your daughter. Ok.

Devon1987 · 16/07/2021 20:00

My Nan did this, went back. It wasn’t different. I hate her sometimes for doing it. As yet again my mum had to pick up the pieces when it went to shit. Her marriage wasn’t some great love story ( how she remembers it), more a bad habit.
You need to build a life without him. Get new friends, get hobby and do the freedom program.
He has not changed. Is he worth losing your daughter?

Ourlady · 16/07/2021 20:20

Who he was is who he is.

VanGoSunflowers · 16/07/2021 20:21

I love your posts @TheFoundations - always so measured. You talk a lot of sense.