Abusive husband, can he change

[jojo220263]

My husband was abusive verbally for 30yrs, I have been separated for 2yrs, he had a big breakdown and we have been talking about getting back together he does seem different now. My daughter who was 5 when I met him says she won’t talk to me if I go back to him, I feel really confused on what to do.

No. No no no no no.

Bad idea.

No no and no. He misses you to cook and clean for him and he has not changed fundamentally.

Listen to your daughter. Do not put this man before her or yourself.

If you have not already looked at the Freedom Programme I would suggest you do so ASAP. This is for those who have been in abusive relationships. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse at this man’s hands, are being further got at by him now. Do not fall for promises of change.

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Absolutely not. They never change. He can put on a mask, or actually even try, for a bit, but before you know it, he will slip back into his old ways.

OP if you are anything like me, you may find it hard to remember how bad it actually was and this 2 year separation may have given you enough space to have distanced yourself from the hurt he caused you.

But it is a trap. People like that do not change. Did you feel free when you left? Does part of you think it will be ‘easy’ to go back?

Try and remember all of the bad stuff he has done to you over the years and write it down in one place. Even post it here if it’ll help. Seeing it all written down may make you think differently.

Sending you hugs - I know this probably isn’t easy. Especially if he is a master manipulator like most of them are.

Why would you risk losing your daughter for an abusive man that you've already escaped?

Listen to your daughter. She feels so strongly she will stop talking to you if you go back
Don't do it.

Abusers know what they’re doing, they do it on purpose, and they enjoy it. He’s hunting you now. You’ve both given your child decades of trauma that will effect her every day, yet she’s still not being listened to, or prioritised. Put your poor (adult) kid before that vermin, always, like you should have done 30+yrs ago.

Another person saying no aswell. Inevitably the mask slips and it all starts again. He is hardwired that way and that is it. That is who he is.

You've done the hard work and you got both yourself and your daughter away from him.

Don't go back.

No. If you both want a relationship meet up, go for a meal/cinema/walk etc, but don't live together. They never change.

Is this a laugh? He should be asking you and your daughter but he's not. That's because he sees you as the weak link. Just no.

My daughter is 36 and has a family of her own and she is very happy. I understand why she doesn’t want me to go back but I keep wondering if it would be different this time.

Literally everyone on this thread is telling you it won't be.

@jojo220263

My daughter is 36 and has a family of her own and she is very happy. I understand why she doesn’t want me to go back but I keep wondering if it would be different this time.

Can you trust him?

Get your head out of the sand and please reread this thread, all of are saying he will not change. You go back and he’s the same forget sympathy because you went back, your poor daughter, how happy will she be seeing her mother being verbally abused again, she won’t. Now treasure your life and don’t go back. Hugs

If you did give him another go, are your boundaries and self-esteem strong enough to get out again at the very first hint of a red flag?
The fact you’ve come here for advice on this rather suggests you’re not yet fully confident in your own decisions at least when it comes to him, which would make you still vulnerable to manipulation if/when he reverted to his previous behaviours. Please be careful.

Not a dogs chance. He's playing victim!!

Read this web site OP

www.chumplady.com/

I’ve been in the place of your daughter in this situation.
My DM didn’t leave when she had the chance to 20 years earlier. It was a crap time for me and my sibling.
She eventually left, it was a wrench for her but we kept her going- I’m sure she faltered- but she’s better without him. DDAD tried to get his way in via my sibling and other family. We stuck together- he now lives alone in a 1 bed flat, sees none of us but the manipulative c**t deserves it.

Please don’t do it

Of course he hasn’t changed, he is missing his nurse/cook/cleaner/ laundress/ warm body in bed/ punchbag.

@jojo220263

My daughter is 36 and has a family of her own and she is very happy. I understand why she doesn’t want me to go back but I keep wondering if it would be different this time.

IT. WON’T. BE.

My sister ex husband changed when she split with him - he changed for about three months; flowers, cards, teddies, apparently his attitude was exemplary.

After nearly three months into their reconciliation he returned to form. He actually got worse than before. They ended up both stubbornly refusing to leave the family home, wanting the other to go. Eventually she got him out when he assaulted her (he'd also assaulted her when they split the first time). He was a policeman incidentally.

@jojo220263

My daughter is 36 and has a family of her own and she is very happy. I understand why she doesn’t want me to go back but I keep wondering if it would be different this time.

Can you give us five reasons why you think it would be different? No feelings allowed, proof required

(Eg he has permanently lost the use of his voice therefore can’t abuse me verbally any more)

No he won't be different. Please don't do this.

It's extremely unlikely an abuser of any kind would change.

That's their default.

Ultimately they feel they have the right to act that way.

Sounds like he's just lonely, sick of having to look after himself etc.