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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive husband, can he change

102 replies

jojo220263 · 15/07/2021 17:32

My husband was abusive verbally for 30yrs, I have been separated for 2yrs, he had a big breakdown and we have been talking about getting back together he does seem different now. My daughter who was 5 when I met him says she won’t talk to me if I go back to him, I feel really confused on what to do.

OP posts:

WhiskeyGalore212 · 15/07/2021 21:02

Your daughter has his measure.

Oh and incidentally she;s bound to have been affected by him if she's been around him since 5. That's not right that she was subjected to that ... don't let her down again now.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/07/2021 21:05

No no no no no no no.

User0ne · 15/07/2021 21:15

He abused you for 30 years! Why on earth would you want to go back?

omgthepain · 15/07/2021 21:18

Listen to your daughter and don't waste any more if your life on him
I can't believe you are even considering it

NewlyGranny · 15/07/2021 21:22

He won't change. They almost never do. Sometimes they change tactics, though, so if you fancy finding out how financial or physical abuse feels, he might just show you. 🙄

ahoyshipmates · 15/07/2021 21:24

@jojo220263

Then it wasn't just you he was abusing, was it? Your dd spent almost her entire childhood in a home with an abusive step-father.

Verbal abuse isn't just verbal, it is psychological abuse too. No wonder she feels the way she does.

MadeForThis · 15/07/2021 21:29

Not a single person on this thread believes he will change. It's extremely rare that everyone agrees.

He won't change. He may even believe that he will change, but he won't.

He abused the woman he was supposed to love for 30 years. No one who is capable of that will change.

Don't go back. Love yourself. Xx

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/07/2021 21:31

My daughter who was 5 when I met him says she won’t talk to me if I go back to him, I feel really confused on what to do.

You're confused as to whether to choose a relationship with someone who verbally abused you for years or a relationship with your daughter who is protective and looking out for you?

Goodness. I think you should think seriously about some counselling as that isn't a decision you will find confusing or difficult once you've started to process and work on the trauma this relationship caused.

Choose her. Seriously, choose her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/07/2021 21:33

Then it wasn't just you he was abusing, was it? Your dd spent almost her entire childhood in a home with an abusive step-father.

Oh and this. I think she is brave and kind to set this boundary with you and give you a chance to think about the decision.

You would be asking her to accept back into her life someone who meant she lived in an abusive home for her childhood starting at the age of five. Think about how that must feel for her and stop this crazy idea.

girlmom21 · 16/07/2021 07:01

@jojo220263

My daughter is 36 and has a family of her own and she is very happy. I understand why she doesn’t want me to go back but I keep wondering if it would be different this time.

If she has a family of her own she's protecting them too. She's not willing to let her children be subject to the abuse she was.

Sundancerintherain · 16/07/2021 07:05

No, just no.

HollowTalk · 16/07/2021 07:09

After 30 years of being verbally abused then your self-esteem is likely to be very very low and consequently just a little bit of kindness from him will make you feel great. But 30 years!!! That isn't a mistake, that is a major character flaw on his part.

You really need to value yourself more. Listen to your daughter. Don't risk losing her for the sake of being with someone who is abusing you.

BonesJones · 16/07/2021 07:16

You can stop wondering, because it won't be different.

CupoTeap · 16/07/2021 07:22

Of course statistically there must be some that change, but there's also statistically a chance of winning the lottery.

Are you happy in your life now?

I understand the temptation if he is finally telling what you've been waiting all your life to hear. Honestly though how realistic is it that it would be different on a permanent level?

Justcallmebebes · 16/07/2021 10:57

Why would you pick an abusive fuckwit over your daughter? The mind boggles to be honest that you even need to ask

updownroundandround · 16/07/2021 11:01

@jojo220263

Nothing has changed.

He has not changed.

He's just feeling sorry for himself because he's lost his unpaid, undervalued and undermined 'servant'.

And he realizes that he'll have to play the ''I'm sorry'' and ''I've changed'' game to get what he wants back, that's all.

The one good thing you have is your daughter.

Please don't throw her on the altar of 'sacrifices' to be made, simply because the man who abused both you and her, is bloody unhappy !!!!

Stop communicating with him. At all !!

Reassure your DD that you will NOT ever communicate with him again !

Build a happy life with your DD (and have the potential happiness of having a SIL and DGC's in the future too !).

SVRT19674 · 16/07/2021 11:15

That is who he is, he is wired this way. Please stay away.

Topseyt · 16/07/2021 11:15

Give your head a wobble!

DO NOT DO THIS!!

He will revert to type, you will regret it big time and additionally you will have jeopardised your relationship with your DD. How do you think she will feel (even as a 36 year old adult) if you prioritise the man who gave her such a shitty childhood over her?

Movingonupupup · 16/07/2021 11:19

@user27424799642256

No.

They all pretend to change to get control back.

Lots of them pretend to have breakdowns for that reason too.

Listen to your daughter. It really shouldn't be confusing.

This. She is what 5? or now 7?

She's talking sense -a leopard NEVER changes its spots ever.

Topseyt · 16/07/2021 11:24

The daughter is 36. This fuckwit came into her life when she was 5 and she had to grow up with him around abusing her mother, and probably her too.

RaginaPhalange · 16/07/2021 11:27

Why would you even consider this? Your daughter probably heard and seen a lot. So I don't blame her for going NC if you go back to him.
He won't change.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 16/07/2021 11:27

NO!
He's needs his whipping boy back.
He misses having you as his punchbag.
Can you see that?

Please don't waste any more of your life on this absolute cunt.

FatCatThinCat · 16/07/2021 11:29

I don't believe abusers ever change. But even if I'm wrong and he's miraculously morphed into the nicest guy on the planet, why would you risk your relationship with your daughter for him? Why would you prioritise any man over your child?

Passingahat · 16/07/2021 11:38

Prehaps i differ from other commenters as i do believe that people can change. I work in a field where I see it happen, however a big part of that is accepting that a change in the present doesnt change the impact of what has happened in the past.

However I don't believe that any progress works by going back to an old relationship. You will end up reverting to old patterns, and old behaviours.

Can you genuinely ever trust this person again? What will happen after your first fight? For both of you the exact same conditions are met, all the history that comes before will keep you both in a bad place

Change needs to be future focused and if he has changed he should know that

wheresthehope · 16/07/2021 11:43

Yes he’s likely to have changed… most likely he will step it up from verbally abusive to physically abusive.
Do not take him back

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