I am so trapped

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I want to leave DH but despite me being unhappy for 17 years my mum is pushing hard for me to stay because of the dc. And probably because she doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child.

She said I chose to have the dc, now it doesn’t matter if I’m happy or not. I’m really struggling. I wake in the morning feeling like I cannot breathe. My heart is racing. I’m not sleeping well, waking about 4am, and I’m not eating.
My mum keeps telling me how heartbroken the dc will be, that I will be poor, that I could lose them 50% of the time and they would hate that. That I will have no time nor money to do anything with them. That I will still be unhappy because my dc will be so unhappy.
Her answer? I wait another 13 years for dc2 to be 18. In 13 years I will be 50 and so worn down that I will have given up, if I make it that far which is debatable tbh.
We’d have to go and stay with my parents if I left DH so there’s no way of avoiding her. I hear what she’s saying and I suppose she is right. It is deeply selfish not to stay for the dc, who are happy, doing well at school and generally very settled.
I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young. Have I got to pay for that decision forever? It seems I have.
I cannot see a way forwards anymore. I just feel trapped. DH is slightly controlling and I am squashed, I am not who I was when we married. I was 20. He was 30. I feel I’ve changed so much and I feel this awful disconnect all the time. My mum says it’s because of covid but I felt it before that, although covid hasn’t helped.
DH isn’t a very involved father currently and never has been. All of the mental load falls on me and most of the practical stuff too. Currently he has them on his own one evening a week when I go out but only after I’ve got youngest dc to bed. Oldest dc is 11 and so not as demanding. He’s never willingly taken any of it on and he’s watched me struggle with things like the fact dc1 didn’t sleep through until he was 4 and he never once gave me a night off. It’s always ‘they settle better for you.’
He works hard, he has a good job, he does love me and the dc but I consistently feel like a thing on his checklist of what he needs for a ‘perfect’ life. I don’t feel like a person in my own right. He says the right things, for example I’ve taken a more demanding role at work with more hours and he did a lot of ‘ill support you whatever you want to do’ before I accepted. I started four months ago and in that four months he’s not practically helped me with anything. He’s not done a single school run, he’s not done anything in the house. I run my day around the children, working through lunch, rushing around, fetching them, coming back and doing another hour or so at work. Everything falls on me. I had a small crying breakdown about two months ago and he said he’d help me but nothing has changed although we now get take out or eat out once a week so I don’t have to cook.
I’m no longer attracted to him and so rarely have sex unless there’s no other option to. But it is rare. Two years and counting.
My mum says so what. If I left him I would be doing it all on my own anyway, plus the dc would be upset, plus I would be poor, she thinks it would all be worse and maybe she is right. I feel so trapped and it makes me feel like giving up. I just want to go to bed and never get back up again. I am already on antidepressants. I want to get back to a place where I feel like me again and I don’t know how to do that. I do know it hasn’t always been as awful as this with DH, I think since dc2 was born and I had PND it’s got much much worse. Mainly because he carried on totally as normal and I was barely functioning. Again he didn’t ever give me a lie in or get up at night when they were a baby. The PND hit me like a brick and I will admit since then I’ve never felt well, I’ve always felt a background level of anxiety. I can think of maybe two or three occasions since I had dc2 five years ago where I’ve not felt anxious. Unfortunately it arrived when she did, like an unwelcome additional child.

My mum thinks that’s why I don’t want to be with DH, that I’ve not recovered from the birth of dc2. I can’t imagine now ever being the person I was before I had her. I cannot imagine ever feeling optimistic or happy or even just less anxious. I get up in the mornings and wait to go back to bed. The best time of my life is when I am asleep. I just struggle through the days putting a brave face on it. I am incredibly lonely.

I love my dc so much. I don’t want to transfer this awful feeling to them. I worry that in breaking their family I will break them. I worry that my mum is right, that I am not capable of managing this. My mum never thinks I am capable of anything. When I went for this job she told me I wouldn’t cope, my children would suffer with me working more hours and I was putting my job in front of them. I spent four years as a sahp after dc2. I work my hours around them as best I can. I do everything I can to mitigate any cost to them - and yet DH just gets to do whatever he wants.

Sorry that was really long. I’m feeling desperate this morning.

Wtf?? Tell the fucker that you load the dishwasher once a week and he does the rest if it's such a good deal.

And start eating properly. You're no good to anyone if you're ill or weak.

I stopped eating too. It was a punishment of sorts and something I had control over. I thought he and my family would notice if I faded away to nothing but they didn't and I ended up extremely unwell.

OP, who puts you first? Who can you rely on and trust? Sadly in these situations it's usually only yourself because you are surrounded my people who are blind to your needs. You need someone who really sees and hears you. That's not a want, it's a NEED. What if you left and life really turned around? You are low on hope right now but we are all holding it for you, ready to give to you when you need it most.

So am I right in thinking that because you do not have access to family money, you actually do not have enough money for you to eat nutritious food, and that you eat toast so that the DC can eat? They are his DC too! If the above is true, he is massively financially abusive.

No I could eat if I wanted to - I just don’t want to. I can’t see the point. It is a form of self neglect, and no one else cares, but then it’s no one else’s responsibility really.
Ive enough money to eat more than toast if I so wanted to.

OP has not said that she does not have the money to eat, has she? She told us the amount of money she would have if she left, which sounded like enough for all of them to eat nutritious food, but then said that she'd still just eat toast. So it doesn't seem to be because of a lack of money.

Sorry OP, crosspost!

Starving yourself won't help you make a sensible decision.
I'll be honest; to me it sounds as if you are not taking adult responsibility for yourself because you don't feel like an adult ... might that be possible?

I just can’t be bothered because I don’t care.
I make stuff for everyone else.

If you didn't care you wouldn't be crying.

Eat proper food so you can look after the kids properly.

It's a relief that you could eat - but it's a sign of how bad things are that you do not want to. You desperately need support so that you can find your strength - both physical and emotional.

Why can't you tell him/show him what needs doing?

When he comes in show him the mess and say you need his help in running the house and getting the children ready for school

If you want things to change you have to be proactive

If he's too stupid to see the mess himself then he's too stupid to clear it up.
OP doesn't want a useless assistant who needs to be told every tiny thing he has to do, so that she still has the mental load and has to waste her time pointing out the obvious. She wants an intelligent man who can take the load off her.

But OP has always done it all for him - he's never felt the need to do it

I don't see the harm in showing him the mess when he walks in and saying here, this is what I need help with

She told him she's overwhelmed. He offered to clean up, so he does have a tiny clue.
I do see the harm in OP hhaving to spell out the obvious to her husband as if she is the only one who can see a mess. How does OP work out what needs to be done? Does she ask him? Simply having to tell someone is hugely frustrating, as you are going along with their pretence that it is your job and they cannot possibly guess how to do it.

Your mum is way too involved, controlling husband and overbearing mum - no wonder you are struggling to know what to do.

Go with you heart, you'll be so much happier and therefore so will your children.

Well I personally think she should see a solicitor and leave him but that seems unlikely right now so maybe if he were to help somewhat it would take some of the burden off

But if she keeps doing it all for him he will never bother. I'm not suggesting she micro manage his every move, but to point out where he could help and see if he steps up.

Suggest a rota for getting children to school/drop off/pick up etc
Take turns to shop/cook/whatever
Get a cleaner
Put some steps in place to ease the load and then hopefully she will see the light and get legal advice and dump him

Sod your mother, she isn’t you.

What is your living situation (I.e who owns the house)? I think you may need to go and seek some legal advice. Your DC will adapt better than you think, trust me!

You deserve to be happy and they deserve a happy mother. Please have a serious think about how to go about leaving him but staying in the family home. Do not go to your parents, your mother sounds toxic

This has nothing to do with your mother. Leave. He won’t want the kids 50%, he barely does one night with them!

What seems clear to me from your plaintive OP is that the process of separating from your DH is inextricably bound up with separating from your mother. I don't think you can do one without the other. You need to know that entering into a marriage because she told you to is not normal, and that aspects of your becoming an adult have been delayed or stunted by her inappropriate and unhealthy need for control.

Don't under any circumstances move back in with your mother when you divorce.

You can do this. People do it all the time. Children live through it and emerge happy and healthy. Children also grow up in stable nuclear families with parents that hate each other and are destroyed by it.

Can you start stashing money away ? You really need legal advice as you are entitled to at least half the house / pension, this might be enough for you to start again. Honestly you will feel so much better away from this abusive life. He might not be hitting / shouting at his 'princess' but he is abusing you.

There are two prongs to how you would best deal with the situation OP. Please see a doctor/consultant to get more treatment for your mental health. You can be so much healthier. Then when you feel able, separate from your husband. Better mental health will make it easier to deal with the transition. If something a doctor recommends doesn't give much of an improvement, keep going back until they try something that suits you. Xx

Think of your physical health, well-being and functioning and how that effects your abilities in life in every way and also effects your mental health. If you work in mental health then you know that. Not caring about feeding yourself properly is another sign you're depressed and anxious of course. But you will feel better for it, even if it's just some goodies that you like- whatever can tempt you a little.

@Cornfieldrainbows

I’m just going to end up staying. I am paralysed by it all and sometimes I think i should just get on with it and accept this is my life. If I don’t spend much time with DH it’s not so bad. When he suggests doing anything together I get like a sinking feeling. I’m so anxious. I just want the anxious to abate. I don’t understand why it’s so much worse than it was a few years ago but it is.

For your MH I think you need to just go. I know if you don't get legal advice and paperwork copies etc you could come off worse in the divorce, but you sound so crushed as I don't think that's going to lift until you're away from him (and your mum!).

If I was you, I'd go to the GP and ask to be signed off work with stress/depression/anxiety/whatever. Explain to GP your marriage has broken down and your leaving him due to his awful behaviour (it is awful). At the moment you're at work trying to support other people, but you're running on empty with nothing left to give, you need some time off. Take whatever amount the GP gives you.

Next, day one, work out the minimum bedrooms you need, phone all the estate agents in your town or in other suitable to towns and ask to be shown any properties with that amount of bedrooms or more. This phoning is something your friends could easily help with, they might even be able to view properties for you if you needed to be in two places at once. Let your friends help. You've got a job, renting somewhere shouldn't be a problem. Then phone Samaritans or another MH helpline and offload, because it doesn't sound like you're getting much support yourself.

Day two, if you haven't already got one, get a bank account that's just in your name. Organise with work to have your salary paid in there in future. Phone more estate agents or view properties.

Day three, contact Women's Aid, you need specialist support, your head is messed up by your mum and him. Talk to through with them. Get the phone number for your local branch and talk to them. Take any help on offer. Get enrolled in the Freedom Programme which will help straighten your thoughts out.

Day four, in between viewing properties, do some laundry, batch cook meals or whatever else will make your identity easier while you're running round trying to sort things out.

Day five, call up a cleaning company, have them come in and blitz the house while husband at work so he won't even know. If you can get away with paying for it from a joint account so much the better. Start gathering up some things, passport, financial paperwork, bag of clothes for you and DC, stash it all at a friend's house.

When you've found a property go on Facebook for furniture if you drive or a friend can collect it, it's a one off job so I'm sure friends won't mind helping out. If nobody can collect things some sellers will deliver. Also ask Women's Aid about ay schemes that could help you furnish the place. British Heart Foundation shop collects furniture, maybe they deliver it too? Or a local man-with-a-van might collect from there (or your local
council refuse/recycling place) and delivery it all to your new home.

Once you're out your head will clear a bit, you can have space by turning off your phone each evening. Then you can do the solicitor part. You might not get the best divorce deal this way but you'll get your freedom and that's priceless.

It sounds like a poor life already if I’m honest . I left yeah I’m poor but I’m not staying and being miserable. I’d of lived in a caravan. He should move out; you do have rights . Research