I am so trapped

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I want to leave DH but despite me being unhappy for 17 years my mum is pushing hard for me to stay because of the dc. And probably because she doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child.

She said I chose to have the dc, now it doesn’t matter if I’m happy or not. I’m really struggling. I wake in the morning feeling like I cannot breathe. My heart is racing. I’m not sleeping well, waking about 4am, and I’m not eating.
My mum keeps telling me how heartbroken the dc will be, that I will be poor, that I could lose them 50% of the time and they would hate that. That I will have no time nor money to do anything with them. That I will still be unhappy because my dc will be so unhappy.
Her answer? I wait another 13 years for dc2 to be 18. In 13 years I will be 50 and so worn down that I will have given up, if I make it that far which is debatable tbh.
We’d have to go and stay with my parents if I left DH so there’s no way of avoiding her. I hear what she’s saying and I suppose she is right. It is deeply selfish not to stay for the dc, who are happy, doing well at school and generally very settled.
I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young. Have I got to pay for that decision forever? It seems I have.
I cannot see a way forwards anymore. I just feel trapped. DH is slightly controlling and I am squashed, I am not who I was when we married. I was 20. He was 30. I feel I’ve changed so much and I feel this awful disconnect all the time. My mum says it’s because of covid but I felt it before that, although covid hasn’t helped.
DH isn’t a very involved father currently and never has been. All of the mental load falls on me and most of the practical stuff too. Currently he has them on his own one evening a week when I go out but only after I’ve got youngest dc to bed. Oldest dc is 11 and so not as demanding. He’s never willingly taken any of it on and he’s watched me struggle with things like the fact dc1 didn’t sleep through until he was 4 and he never once gave me a night off. It’s always ‘they settle better for you.’
He works hard, he has a good job, he does love me and the dc but I consistently feel like a thing on his checklist of what he needs for a ‘perfect’ life. I don’t feel like a person in my own right. He says the right things, for example I’ve taken a more demanding role at work with more hours and he did a lot of ‘ill support you whatever you want to do’ before I accepted. I started four months ago and in that four months he’s not practically helped me with anything. He’s not done a single school run, he’s not done anything in the house. I run my day around the children, working through lunch, rushing around, fetching them, coming back and doing another hour or so at work. Everything falls on me. I had a small crying breakdown about two months ago and he said he’d help me but nothing has changed although we now get take out or eat out once a week so I don’t have to cook.
I’m no longer attracted to him and so rarely have sex unless there’s no other option to. But it is rare. Two years and counting.
My mum says so what. If I left him I would be doing it all on my own anyway, plus the dc would be upset, plus I would be poor, she thinks it would all be worse and maybe she is right. I feel so trapped and it makes me feel like giving up. I just want to go to bed and never get back up again. I am already on antidepressants. I want to get back to a place where I feel like me again and I don’t know how to do that. I do know it hasn’t always been as awful as this with DH, I think since dc2 was born and I had PND it’s got much much worse. Mainly because he carried on totally as normal and I was barely functioning. Again he didn’t ever give me a lie in or get up at night when they were a baby. The PND hit me like a brick and I will admit since then I’ve never felt well, I’ve always felt a background level of anxiety. I can think of maybe two or three occasions since I had dc2 five years ago where I’ve not felt anxious. Unfortunately it arrived when she did, like an unwelcome additional child.

My mum thinks that’s why I don’t want to be with DH, that I’ve not recovered from the birth of dc2. I can’t imagine now ever being the person I was before I had her. I cannot imagine ever feeling optimistic or happy or even just less anxious. I get up in the mornings and wait to go back to bed. The best time of my life is when I am asleep. I just struggle through the days putting a brave face on it. I am incredibly lonely.

I love my dc so much. I don’t want to transfer this awful feeling to them. I worry that in breaking their family I will break them. I worry that my mum is right, that I am not capable of managing this. My mum never thinks I am capable of anything. When I went for this job she told me I wouldn’t cope, my children would suffer with me working more hours and I was putting my job in front of them. I spent four years as a sahp after dc2. I work my hours around them as best I can. I do everything I can to mitigate any cost to them - and yet DH just gets to do whatever he wants.

Sorry that was really long. I’m feeling desperate this morning.

I just started crying last night and DH was all what’s wrong and I said - again, as I’ve said repeatedly- that I’m not happy.
He said he doesn’t know what else to do. He’s suggested I stop work. I don’t want to stop work because then I am totally financially reliant on him. He’s suggested I go for counselling (I am having counselling already which he doesn’t know about), he doesn’t know what else he can do. Then he went and lay on the bed upstairs looking sad and I felt like a horrible person.
He said he doesn’t like it when ‘his princess is sad.’ I said I’m tired, I’m not eating or sleeping, I feel anxious, something needs to change. He suggested a holiday but it won’t be a holiday - it’ll be me doing everything somewhere else.
But I suppose he is trying, in his own way. Didn’t get up this morning though, as usual. Haven’t even seen him this morning before I left for work at 8.15 - dropping dd on the way. And all stuff he’d used last night (I just went to sleep early because best time of life etc) was still on the side in the kitchen.
I am so tired. I really would like to go to bed and not get up again.

@Cornfieldrainbows

I just started crying last night and DH was all what’s wrong and I said - again, as I’ve said repeatedly- that I’m not happy. He said he doesn’t know what else to do. He’s suggested I stop work. I don’t want to stop work because then I am totally financially reliant on him. He’s suggested I go for counselling (I am having counselling already which he doesn’t know about), he doesn’t know what else he can do. Then he went and lay on the bed upstairs looking sad and I felt like a horrible person. He said he doesn’t like it when ‘his princess is sad.’ I said I’m tired, I’m not eating or sleeping, I feel anxious, something needs to change. He suggested a holiday but it won’t be a holiday - it’ll be me doing everything somewhere else. But I suppose he is trying, in his own way. Didn’t get up this morning though, as usual. Haven’t even seen him this morning before I left for work at 8.15 - dropping dd on the way. And all stuff he’d used last night (I just went to sleep early because best time of life etc) was still on the side in the kitchen. I am so tired. I really would like to go to bed and not get up again.

I’d send him a photo of all his stuff and say, if you really want to help me, don’t do this.

You need to leave him as this is making you miserable but if you're not able to do that right now then in the meantime, start a list.

The cheek of him saying he doesn't know what else he can do to help... then leaving his stuff out so it's messy in there and not bothering to get up and be part of the morning - getting DD ready etc, even after you told him last night you are overwhelmed and exhausted!!

Start a list and share it with him at the end of the weekend - the little things you do that seem to be invisible to him or just not important enough for a Big Important Man to do.

And don't position them as things you'd like his 'help' with. It's his kid too. It's his house too. It's his marriage too. He doesn't get to opt out of the rubbish, mundane bits just because he has a penis.

You sound so worn down and miserable and being single is infinitely less lonely than being in an unhappy marriage. And has the added benefit of not teaching your daughter that this is what a relationship looks like.

Sorry but your mum doesn't get a say. She's clearly an ignorant and unwise woman. You need to take responsibility for, and control of, your own life at this point. Of course you need to leave your husband. My parents stayed together for the kids and every time i think about it, I'm furious. They ruined my childhood and gave me several issues. If they split up when they should gave, we'd all have had happier lives.

OP. He asked whatvhe can do. You know he’s useless and not going to participate in household chores, but this is a good opportunity to ask him to buy in help. A cleaner, a laundry service, hello fresh, whatever you think will help you carve out more downtime for you. He’s said you can give up work. You’re right that that’s a bad idea to be more financially dependent on him, but it does show he’s willing to lower the household income by the amount you earn. So instead tell him you need some more money thrown at the problem. This doesn’t mean you can’t still make plans to leave him. But you are exhausted and don’t have the time or energy to look after yourself at the moment. What do you like to eat OP? Buy in some easy calories for yourself. Seriously, if you’re not eating and you’re already underweight or close to it, it’s fine to add in say, whole milk or cream in your coffee, or extra peanut butter on toast. Calorie dense food can help when you’re struggling to maintain a healthy weight. -nuts are good for this. Cream and whole milk are unbelievably high in calories. Add extra olive oil to things (pasta, salad, anything tomato based like chili or bolognaise.?

Also, what would he say if you asked him to regularly pick up or drop off the kids at school/childcare say, 2 days a week. The same days every single week so it becomes a fixed thing and he doesn’t call you because he wants to work late or golf?

OP what would your H say if you said you want some savings if your own ir to put more money into your pension? If you don’t have a joint account and he’s financially controlling would he be open to paying more of the current regular expenses so you can save more of your salary? You could frame it as wanting to save up to buy new clothes or a new car for yourself or whatever you think he will accept as a reasonable reason. Having cash put aside kn your own savings account will help whenyou leave.

*Your mother is selfish and one of these older women who allow themselves to be still led by the patriarchal society they were raised in and are ignorant of the fact that women don't live the way they do anymore.

*Go back to your GP;tell them how you feel.Get it logged but ask for additional help such as counselling.

*Make an appointment with a good solicitor about where you stand.

*Get in touch with gingerbread who are a charity who support single parents.You'll find support and practical advice there.

*Given your DH's lack of interest in the DC's he won't want them 50% of the time.He'll be a EOW dad and I can't see him wanting them for a full weekend either.

*At 37/38 you're still young,you still have over half your life to live.You could end up meeting the absolute love of your life and you could end remarried to a man who adores you and isn't a lazy&selfish arse.

@Cornfieldrainbows I am in tears for you, and me. This is my house too. Sorry I haven't been able to read the whole thread, just sneaking five minutes at work (while texting my ds13 reminding him to go online for his lessons as he's isolating from school, trying to find out when ds9's hospital appointment is going to be, arranging for the energy company man to go to my mums to sort her new electricity meter etc etc) but I absolutely know how you feel.
For example last night dh did nothing but moan and stand over me while I made the tea, washed up, took washing out of the washer, put more in, all the time talking at me and looking as if to say "why aren't you listening?" I felt like saying I have just come in from work, please give me five minutes peace. But I feel like an absolute cow for not acknowledging how stressed he is. I'm in counselling too, which he also doesn't know about, and she told me this week that I have to tell him to please not put all of his stress on me, and to let him know that I too have had a stressful day at work, and on top of that have done school runs in my half hour break EVERY DAY SINCE THEY WERE LITTLE, sorted kids with everything they need, get shopping, come home to unmade beds, housework, cooking, making time to play with kids, baths, bed............. He just does not seem to see this. Anyway, you know how it goes.
Your mam is wrong to pressure you into living an unhappy life. You need to live for you, and your kids will be better off with a happy mam. I hope to sort things out for myself one day, but I know how hard it is. Good luck OP xx

We’d have to go and stay with my parents if I left DH so there’s no way of avoiding her

I think this is why your mim is saying what she is.

I’d send him a photo of all his stuff and say, if you really want to help me, don’t do this

How would he react if you did this, do you think?

In the kindest way OP, it doesn't sound like you're actually telling him what needs to change? Are you afraid to, or just understandably fed up?

You might be totally over it and just wanting to leave, which is fair enough. In the meantime though you need some respite & help.

Unless you're actually saying - you need to pick up DC x times a week, you need to clear away your shit, I want a cleaner - it sounds like he's not actually going to work it out himself, and you saying you're sad and unhappy and leaving him to figure out how to solve that is just going to lead to more unhelpful suggestions like leaving your job or a holiday. In the short term you could at least try being really specific with him? Or are you worried how he would react?

I'm not blaming you at all - you shouldn't have to spell out how to be a responsible adult - but given he's saying he wants to help actually giving him some direct instructions might be worth a try, while you figure out your next move?

I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor, I would say again please consider seeing your GP too.

Is there any reason why you can't live on your own with your children ?
Plenty of people are single parents
Plenty of people live alone with no children

What are you scared of ?

You have a job
Your ex should pay child maintenance or you parent 50/50
You may qualify for benefits

@Cornfieldrainbows

I just started crying last night and DH was all what’s wrong and I said - again, as I’ve said repeatedly- that I’m not happy. He said he doesn’t know what else to do. He’s suggested I stop work. I don’t want to stop work because then I am totally financially reliant on him. He’s suggested I go for counselling (I am having counselling already which he doesn’t know about), he doesn’t know what else he can do. Then he went and lay on the bed upstairs looking sad and I felt like a horrible person. He said he doesn’t like it when ‘his princess is sad.’ I said I’m tired, I’m not eating or sleeping, I feel anxious, something needs to change. He suggested a holiday but it won’t be a holiday - it’ll be me doing everything somewhere else. But I suppose he is trying, in his own way. Didn’t get up this morning though, as usual. Haven’t even seen him this morning before I left for work at 8.15 - dropping dd on the way. And all stuff he’d used last night (I just went to sleep early because best time of life etc) was still on the side in the kitchen. I am so tired. I really would like to go to bed and not get up again.

Just leave the stuff there. If he is used to you being his slave - tidying his mess, picking up after him etc, then he will never see a need to change. I can already sense that you'll roll your eyes and then dutifully tidy the kitchen - just STOP. Different if he's cooked for you too, then yes you can help tidy, but if he's literally made mess for his own benefit..then he can tidy it up can't he.

Basically - go on strike as much as possible. Stop adulting him.

Why don't you have access to his salary, why don't you have joint accounts , why isn't your house in joint names?

The more you disclose the more abusive he sounds! And the 'my princess' stuff sounds like he's infantilising you!

I think this is all a hell of lot worse than you think it is - at least on the surface and somewhere in your psyche is screaming to get out - that's why you are feeling so anxious!

Have you brought any of this up in your counselling?

I’ve taken a more demanding role at work with more hours and he did a lot of ‘ill support you whatever you want to do’ before I accepted. I started four months ago and in that four months he’s not practically helped me with anything.
I just started crying last night and DH was all what’s wrong and I said - again, as I’ve said repeatedly- that I’m not happy.
He said he doesn’t know what else to do. He’s suggested I stop work. ... And all stuff he’d used last night ... was still on the side in the kitchen.
Sorry OP, but he's thick as a plank and/or an irritating little shit. The only answer he can think of is for you to stop work? My blood boils reading that. Tell him that he can stop work so that he has the time to wash his own dishes. And tell him a random off the internet thinks he's an arsehole. Princess indeed.

@Cornfieldrainbows

£3200 less £1k rent for a three bed, less probably another grand or so in bills and food - I could probably get food right down because I don’t eat. The dc eat but they eat a lot of pasta and vegetables and things. I think I could cut the food bill back a lot.

Is this not very much where you live, or are you comparing it with your current wealthy lifestyle? Why would you consider not eating properly when you'd have a good amount of cash to spare each month? If your ex wanted to he could take the kids on holiday, but would you not be able to take them to the beach on this kind of monthly budget?

We’ve always been financially separate.
I feel like I will need more money than I think I do so it’s best to err on the side of caution with that.
I might be able to take them for a night or two somewhere or camping.
I live on toast in the main which is cheap. As long as the dc don’t go without I don’t mind too much.
I think DH thinks he’s done his best. He also suggested he load and empty the dishwasher once a week.
The answer is not to stop working, that is for sure.

You live on fucking toast? Is that right? What does this absolute prince of a man actually pay for?

Fuck me, you feel guilty about a man that’s destroying you and has you living on toast! No no no!

And your mum is just like mine. It’s all about what other people think, not what’s good for you.

Get out get out get out.

Unload the dishwasher once a week? He’s not even nearly close. Christ what an entitled wanker. He’s “helping” you with YOUR chores.

Are you punishing yourself for something by not eating properly?
I realise you are feeling depressed, but not eating enough is clearly going to make it worse. Be a better friend to yourself.

"Load dishwasher once a week"

Oh such a hard life !

I know people that have been married 50+ years
No dishwasher
Daily
One washes
One dries & puts away
They are a team
Perhaps that's why they were married long !

You need to work more as a team
Less energy spent working against each other

The children help with chores when 8+

You live on toast
Really healthy diet ?

No wonder you don't feel very well

He also suggested he load and empty the dishwasher once a week.

What would he say if you suggested he should do it 50% of the time? What would his reaction be?

You both work. You both eat and use the different rooms in the house. You should both be equally responsibly for keeping the house tidy, clean, and for having food on the table every day. BOTH of you. And then of course your children too once they’re old enough to start helping.

Why would he only do something once a week, and you the other 6? How is that fair, in his opinion?

Do you have a son? If yes, do you think his dad is setting a good example for how a man should contribute to family life? And if you only have daughters, is this what they should be learning - that it’s the woman’s responsibility to sort it all out, even when they’re exhausted?

You sound tired and fed up, but I’m sure you’d manage just fine without him. If you think of a life without him, just you and the kids in your own place, do you feel a little excited about the prospect? About being able to organise things your own way without the mental load of extra stuff on the side of the kitchen each morning that he just leaves there for someone else to magically clean up?

You can do this OP. You can set better examples for your children, you can have a life where you don’t babysit a grown man who isn’t capable of clearing up after he eats his dinner.

You're stuck together with your mum psychologically, she is overstepping by telling you what to do rather than making a space in which she helps you work out what YOU want to do, you are totally beholden to her and her views.

Leave her out of it and set a boundary in your mind. Certainly do not plan to leave him by returning to your parents, that would be out of the frying pan and into the fire.

There will be many more options and ways to do this than you can currently imagine, allow yourself to have the space to explore them and see what might emerge as possible. Don't close your mind to it.

It might take you some time to work out what to do but allow yourself the time and the space to work out what YOU want, once you have worked that out as best you can (after all no decision is ever 100% certain!) then turn your energies towards how best to work towards that.