I am so trapped

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I want to leave DH but despite me being unhappy for 17 years my mum is pushing hard for me to stay because of the dc. And probably because she doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child.

She said I chose to have the dc, now it doesn’t matter if I’m happy or not. I’m really struggling. I wake in the morning feeling like I cannot breathe. My heart is racing. I’m not sleeping well, waking about 4am, and I’m not eating.
My mum keeps telling me how heartbroken the dc will be, that I will be poor, that I could lose them 50% of the time and they would hate that. That I will have no time nor money to do anything with them. That I will still be unhappy because my dc will be so unhappy.
Her answer? I wait another 13 years for dc2 to be 18. In 13 years I will be 50 and so worn down that I will have given up, if I make it that far which is debatable tbh.
We’d have to go and stay with my parents if I left DH so there’s no way of avoiding her. I hear what she’s saying and I suppose she is right. It is deeply selfish not to stay for the dc, who are happy, doing well at school and generally very settled.
I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young. Have I got to pay for that decision forever? It seems I have.
I cannot see a way forwards anymore. I just feel trapped. DH is slightly controlling and I am squashed, I am not who I was when we married. I was 20. He was 30. I feel I’ve changed so much and I feel this awful disconnect all the time. My mum says it’s because of covid but I felt it before that, although covid hasn’t helped.
DH isn’t a very involved father currently and never has been. All of the mental load falls on me and most of the practical stuff too. Currently he has them on his own one evening a week when I go out but only after I’ve got youngest dc to bed. Oldest dc is 11 and so not as demanding. He’s never willingly taken any of it on and he’s watched me struggle with things like the fact dc1 didn’t sleep through until he was 4 and he never once gave me a night off. It’s always ‘they settle better for you.’
He works hard, he has a good job, he does love me and the dc but I consistently feel like a thing on his checklist of what he needs for a ‘perfect’ life. I don’t feel like a person in my own right. He says the right things, for example I’ve taken a more demanding role at work with more hours and he did a lot of ‘ill support you whatever you want to do’ before I accepted. I started four months ago and in that four months he’s not practically helped me with anything. He’s not done a single school run, he’s not done anything in the house. I run my day around the children, working through lunch, rushing around, fetching them, coming back and doing another hour or so at work. Everything falls on me. I had a small crying breakdown about two months ago and he said he’d help me but nothing has changed although we now get take out or eat out once a week so I don’t have to cook.
I’m no longer attracted to him and so rarely have sex unless there’s no other option to. But it is rare. Two years and counting.
My mum says so what. If I left him I would be doing it all on my own anyway, plus the dc would be upset, plus I would be poor, she thinks it would all be worse and maybe she is right. I feel so trapped and it makes me feel like giving up. I just want to go to bed and never get back up again. I am already on antidepressants. I want to get back to a place where I feel like me again and I don’t know how to do that. I do know it hasn’t always been as awful as this with DH, I think since dc2 was born and I had PND it’s got much much worse. Mainly because he carried on totally as normal and I was barely functioning. Again he didn’t ever give me a lie in or get up at night when they were a baby. The PND hit me like a brick and I will admit since then I’ve never felt well, I’ve always felt a background level of anxiety. I can think of maybe two or three occasions since I had dc2 five years ago where I’ve not felt anxious. Unfortunately it arrived when she did, like an unwelcome additional child.

My mum thinks that’s why I don’t want to be with DH, that I’ve not recovered from the birth of dc2. I can’t imagine now ever being the person I was before I had her. I cannot imagine ever feeling optimistic or happy or even just less anxious. I get up in the mornings and wait to go back to bed. The best time of my life is when I am asleep. I just struggle through the days putting a brave face on it. I am incredibly lonely.

I love my dc so much. I don’t want to transfer this awful feeling to them. I worry that in breaking their family I will break them. I worry that my mum is right, that I am not capable of managing this. My mum never thinks I am capable of anything. When I went for this job she told me I wouldn’t cope, my children would suffer with me working more hours and I was putting my job in front of them. I spent four years as a sahp after dc2. I work my hours around them as best I can. I do everything I can to mitigate any cost to them - and yet DH just gets to do whatever he wants.

Sorry that was really long. I’m feeling desperate this morning.

When I was reading your early posts about your mum, I wondered what you got out of letting her influence your decisions so much. And I wondered if it was that you were frightened of being responsible for making a decision you later regretted.

Now you seem to be giving your young daughter the responsibility of the decision which isn't fair. It is an adult decision. She doesn't understand that you would be sharing a bed with a man who you don't want to have sex with, who gropes you and who either doesn't respect your boundaries or who you are unable to assert any boundaries to.

She can't know the consequences of you going back.

Would you like her to be the partner of a man like yours one day, feeling the way you feel? Would you counsel her the way your mother has you, that she must stay "for the kids" no matter how much she's dying inside (and outside if she learns your stress response with food )

At some point you have learned (from your mum probably) that your needs come bottom. That you must never upset or inconvenience anybody, even when you are suffering.

You sound exhausted and depressed. I hope, whatever you decide, that you continue speaking with your counsellor. He does sound extremely controlling and suffocating, and especially financially controlling.

Your mum/husband/daughter don't have a crystal ball you know. They don't know that their ways of doing things will work out for the best any more than you do. They get to make their own decisions, they don't get to make yours. You don't have to do what they want.

Even if you do everything they want, they won't necessarily be happy, either in themselves or with you. In fact controlling men like your husband can get more and more demanding when you give in because it was never about the thing you gave in about, it is they want you to give in again and again and again. Every time you do so you confirm to them that he has the authority over you.

Hi, I hope you are ok x

I hope you are ok you've been on my mind

I know this is an old thread but I’m going through something similar so did a search before I posted anything.

What really resonated with me is the description of your mother..I have a similar very domineering controlling mum and its always made me feel less capable and doubt myself. It makes it very hard to leave the relationship when you don’t trust your own gut. I had major anxiety before marrying my husband..started with huge panic attacks that I’d never had before. My best friend said Don’t marry him loud and clear..my mum told me I was being selfish and what I wanted doesn’t exist.

Now have a daughter under 2 and another on the way and wondering what the hell I was thinking!

I hope things work out for you.

I went on holiday.
And then I went back.
It was impossible.
On the morning of coming back dd was crying abs saying she wanted us together and DH was stood there with a look on his face so i just said ok, we will go back.
I went and got my stuff from my parents’ house. They were upset saying they won’t get to see the grandchildren anymore. I feel like people can’t have it all ways. They can’t say it’s better for me to stay with DH and keep up appearances and then moan in the next breath.
DH has been very good. He’s putting washing on the line right now. Never happened before.
But I just don’t care. I’ve given up. I have to make peace somehow with having chosen this but I’m struggling.

Please get yourself a good therapist you are so worn down and lost you need it.

Agree with Random, keep Posting Cornfield.

Do try and negotiate sometime for yourself, do some exercise, look after yourself and your mental health.

I am trying but it all seems futile.
Dd is happy though and ds. I think had we stopped in the house and DH had moved out it would have been different. They like being home.
And my parents - no matter what they are saying now - would rather not have a daughter who is divorced.

You know you can change your mind about this at any time right?

You know that you actually do get to decide how you want to live your life

You can change your mind about going back....although your DH clearly needs to be the one to leave

He would never leave.
Dd is talking about going to get the last things from my parents’ house - id left a few emergency things there. On and on she’s going, and it’s all in front of DH.
Maybe when she’s older I will try again.

If you divorced him the house would be sold and you would both would start again.

Whatva pity you are allowing a 5 year old this power.

Very convenient for your husband.

If you want to stay with this awful man that is your choice to make.

To have a different future requires you to be an adult and not be dictated to by a 5 year old.

That's what women do all the time.

If you divorced him the house would be sold and you would both would start again.

This.

Your daughter is too little to make or influence big decisions.

It is your responsibility as a parent to make big decisions, hard decisions that are in her best interest long term.

You Staying in a relationship with this man and all living under one roof is not in her best interests.

What's happened money wise? Any changes there? Has he handed over money yet? Or still just saying he will?

Has he looked after the children alone properly and adequately yet? Or still just that few hours here and there, the absolute minimum he could have done?

And finally, has he continued to assault you by groping you and making sexual comments to you when you're alone?

To have a different future requires you to be an adult and not be dictated to by a 5 year old.

That's what women do all the time.

Indeed.

This must be one of the saddest and most frustrating threads I've read on here.

@Cornfieldrainbows - I really feel for you. I stayed way too many years because of similar, powerful feelings.

All I can say now, in my 60s, is that I wish I'd had the courage to walk. My children were so damaged by witnessing our dysfunctional relationship.

There was no Mumsnet in my day and I felt so, so alone. You have the benefit of the advice from this community of strong women. But you need to listen, really listen. And ACT

@Cornfieldrainbows - you've weighed up the pros and cons and you've made a decision, that's absolutely your choice so please don't be pulled down by the (well meaning) comments on your actions.

Can you 'free float' for the coming days or weeks - allow yourself some breathing space to reevaluate your relationship? Your husband's actions, not his words, will show you whether he is committed to changing or if he's just going through the motions.

In the meantime, please think about counselling and ask your husband to respect your right to do this. If he's serious he will not only encourage you but he will also make the time to look after his children while you attend to your own mental health.

How incredibly sad.

I think in therapy you need to focus on hearing yourself and understand what you want and unpick the damage your parents have done.

Absolutely carve out time for yourself by yourself build friendships and interests.

Insist on equal leisure time, shared chores, both have child free time at the weekends and evenings.

He knows you left before and I hope he is worried you will do again. For sure if things ramp up again move out without the DC because as sure as hell he doesn't want to look after them does he?

He starts putting them to bed 3 times per week minimum as of now. Start demanding her steps up and parents.

When he goes on about how he loves you remind him love is actions and deeds and stepping band parenting the DC is the only evidence you will accept.

I wish you well, you need to claw back some power urgently.

Now he just wants to do everything TOGETHER.
And if I suggest otherwise he does sad face.

He's still groping you I assume?

Has he actually done some solo childcare to give you time to relax and recharge? If he loved you and actually wanted to change he would have done this proactively during the last few weeks.

Has he actually stepped up financially and given you the money you need for things or repaid money you've spent on things for the kids because he's been so shit previously? If he loved you and actually wanted to change he would have done this proactively during the last few weeks.

Is he listening to your words when you say what you do / don't want to do, when you say what you are / aren't comfortable with? If he loved you and actually wanted to change he would have done this proactively during the last few weeks.

Has he stopped groping you and been physically respectful of your bodily autonomy? If he loved you and actually wanted to change he would have done this proactively during the last few weeks.

Has he done all those things? Some? Any?

Not promised them but done them?

He had them for one night before we went away.
I’d like him to have them this Thursday because I was planning to go out but I think that’s unlikely now.
He was much more involved than normal when we went away.

So he's not followed through on supporting you in a meaningful sense (being involved on holiday - by which I assume you likely mean doing some of the nice bits - is a very low bar and shouldn't grant him credit) despite saying he desperately wants you to be happy together. So that's one big fail there.

I'm sorry to press on this but I think it's really important to help you think more objectively about this. How about the other questions:

Has he actually stepped up financially and given you the money you need for things or repaid money you've spent on things for the kids because he's been so shit previously? If he loved you and actually wanted to change he would have done this proactively during the last few weeks.

Has he stopped groping you and been physically respectful of your bodily autonomy? If he loved you and actually wanted to change he would have done this proactively during the last few weeks.

@Cornfieldrainbows

Now he just wants to do everything TOGETHER. And if I suggest otherwise he does sad face.

Take the piss "Awww, is that your sad face? Where's the happy face?"

He'll quickly learn his emotional blackmail won't work.

Why is it unlikely that you'll go out on Thursday?

Won’t be allowed to now.
It’ll be too difficult.

Allowed to?

Ffs.

You voluntarily returned to THIS BULLSHIT.
🤷‍♀️