I am so trapped

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I want to leave DH but despite me being unhappy for 17 years my mum is pushing hard for me to stay because of the dc. And probably because she doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child.

She said I chose to have the dc, now it doesn’t matter if I’m happy or not. I’m really struggling. I wake in the morning feeling like I cannot breathe. My heart is racing. I’m not sleeping well, waking about 4am, and I’m not eating.
My mum keeps telling me how heartbroken the dc will be, that I will be poor, that I could lose them 50% of the time and they would hate that. That I will have no time nor money to do anything with them. That I will still be unhappy because my dc will be so unhappy.
Her answer? I wait another 13 years for dc2 to be 18. In 13 years I will be 50 and so worn down that I will have given up, if I make it that far which is debatable tbh.
We’d have to go and stay with my parents if I left DH so there’s no way of avoiding her. I hear what she’s saying and I suppose she is right. It is deeply selfish not to stay for the dc, who are happy, doing well at school and generally very settled.
I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young. Have I got to pay for that decision forever? It seems I have.
I cannot see a way forwards anymore. I just feel trapped. DH is slightly controlling and I am squashed, I am not who I was when we married. I was 20. He was 30. I feel I’ve changed so much and I feel this awful disconnect all the time. My mum says it’s because of covid but I felt it before that, although covid hasn’t helped.
DH isn’t a very involved father currently and never has been. All of the mental load falls on me and most of the practical stuff too. Currently he has them on his own one evening a week when I go out but only after I’ve got youngest dc to bed. Oldest dc is 11 and so not as demanding. He’s never willingly taken any of it on and he’s watched me struggle with things like the fact dc1 didn’t sleep through until he was 4 and he never once gave me a night off. It’s always ‘they settle better for you.’
He works hard, he has a good job, he does love me and the dc but I consistently feel like a thing on his checklist of what he needs for a ‘perfect’ life. I don’t feel like a person in my own right. He says the right things, for example I’ve taken a more demanding role at work with more hours and he did a lot of ‘ill support you whatever you want to do’ before I accepted. I started four months ago and in that four months he’s not practically helped me with anything. He’s not done a single school run, he’s not done anything in the house. I run my day around the children, working through lunch, rushing around, fetching them, coming back and doing another hour or so at work. Everything falls on me. I had a small crying breakdown about two months ago and he said he’d help me but nothing has changed although we now get take out or eat out once a week so I don’t have to cook.
I’m no longer attracted to him and so rarely have sex unless there’s no other option to. But it is rare. Two years and counting.
My mum says so what. If I left him I would be doing it all on my own anyway, plus the dc would be upset, plus I would be poor, she thinks it would all be worse and maybe she is right. I feel so trapped and it makes me feel like giving up. I just want to go to bed and never get back up again. I am already on antidepressants. I want to get back to a place where I feel like me again and I don’t know how to do that. I do know it hasn’t always been as awful as this with DH, I think since dc2 was born and I had PND it’s got much much worse. Mainly because he carried on totally as normal and I was barely functioning. Again he didn’t ever give me a lie in or get up at night when they were a baby. The PND hit me like a brick and I will admit since then I’ve never felt well, I’ve always felt a background level of anxiety. I can think of maybe two or three occasions since I had dc2 five years ago where I’ve not felt anxious. Unfortunately it arrived when she did, like an unwelcome additional child.

My mum thinks that’s why I don’t want to be with DH, that I’ve not recovered from the birth of dc2. I can’t imagine now ever being the person I was before I had her. I cannot imagine ever feeling optimistic or happy or even just less anxious. I get up in the mornings and wait to go back to bed. The best time of my life is when I am asleep. I just struggle through the days putting a brave face on it. I am incredibly lonely.

I love my dc so much. I don’t want to transfer this awful feeling to them. I worry that in breaking their family I will break them. I worry that my mum is right, that I am not capable of managing this. My mum never thinks I am capable of anything. When I went for this job she told me I wouldn’t cope, my children would suffer with me working more hours and I was putting my job in front of them. I spent four years as a sahp after dc2. I work my hours around them as best I can. I do everything I can to mitigate any cost to them - and yet DH just gets to do whatever he wants.

Sorry that was really long. I’m feeling desperate this morning.

The story of my life is that it is impossible to ever put what I want first

What or who makes it impossible?

Only the barriers you have in your own mind.

I guess it is confusing to the dc - it’s neither one thing nor the other

Yes because you didn't take a decision. You were waiting for other people to decide for you and give you permission. Hence this horrible confusing limbo where no one was sure where they stood.

You're an adult. You don't need anyone's permission.

I'm sorry if that's harsh OP but it feels like you aren't seeing clearly with subtleties.

You don't have to sacrifice yourself to keep your husband and mother happy as you believe. You can decide for yourself. If you don't feel ready to do that yet, it's completely understandable. But make that your goal and start taking some actions to get there. This should include talking to outside help for example women's aid.

Why do you think putting yourself first is a bad thing?

Who told you that?

How unhappy are your DC going to feel when they realise they are supposedly the ones you went back for? The guilt they will carry around with them.

Do you want your DC to never put themselves first and live according to what others want them to do?

Read the start of this thread again. Your H promised he'd changed but he hasn't has he?

He has done fuck all with the DC - what a few hours with your eldest only. Nothing else, not given you money he just says stuff. He is not going to take in the DC 50% of the time, oh he'll threaten it but he won't because he's too lazy and it's women's work.

You are in a gilded cage utterly trapped and depressed.

ALL your friends can see how unhappy the marriage makes you!

You can't bear him, your DC see will know that you can't hide your unhappiness from them.

Do you want your DD in a relationship like yours? You are teaching her that her role is to be depressed and unhappy and stay in a shit marriage

This. Can you not see this OP?

@Cornfieldrainbows

I guess it is confusing to the dc - it’s neither one thing nor the other. For me - I know it makes little difference how he is when we go back, it’s too little too late for me. It will only ever be the dc that keep me there. So to a point it doesn’t matter what he’s like, he could be brilliant and I still wouldn’t really want to be there. The story of my life is that it is impossible to ever put what I want first.

It's not impossible though is it. You'd taken the first step, all you had to do was look for somewhere to rent and get the money you were entitled to. To put some space between you and him/your parents. It's not brain surgery.

I feel sorry for your poor DC who will now grow up in a dysfunctional household, witnessing their father's emotional and financial abuse toward their depressed and downtrodden mother and believing this to be the norm. Wondering why you put up with him and allowed them to grow up within that. Losing any respect for you in the process. I'm speaking from experience here btw.

Hopefully they will rebel against it rather than following the pattern set by you and him. Which luckily I did. Doesn't bode well for your future relationships with them though.

Like I said, good luck. You will be needing it.

I have to hope he will continue to be more involved and reasonable.
Stupid stuff like when one of the dc asks for something to eat, he gets up. Or when one needs help tying laces - he gets up. It’s NEVER been that way before. It’s always been me, whilst he lies on the sofa.
The dc are definitely happier with us all together and they have to be my priority.

The dc are definitely happier with us all together and they have to be my priority.

Your job as a parent is to use your maturity and experience to make decisions in their best interest long term.

Loads of children are 'definitely happier' eating ice cream for every meal and playing video games instead of ever going outside or doing exercise.

A good parent ensures those things, that are damaging to them long term, aren't facilitated by them all the time because it's in their child's best interests.

You're teaching them that a relationship involves a man being horrible and a woman being a martyr.

It's so unfair on them and you're already blaming them saying well they're happier with it this way.

Kids would be happier with lots of things that aren't beneficial to them long term which is why we have laws that protect them from making certain decisions about their personal health and safety until they have more maturity.

You are hoping in vain and you know it.

You know he won't do those things. He never has so why would he suddenly change his WHOLE outlook and personality?
Bank has been closed throughout too and will no doubt stay closed.

You are trying to justify it to yourself by saying the kids will be happier - in fact you are using that to avoid doing what's needed for all of you. They are unlikely to thank you for it later btw.

It's your life - if you're happy to be unhappy then nobody can help you.

Of course you aren't trapped. You are choosing this life for yourself and (sadly) for your children. I have no idea what you are gaining from it emotionally/psychologically, but there is a reason you have decided to return to that existence. It might be worth investigating that, preferably with a therapist of some sort.

Did you honestly believe that a separation would be seamless, resulting in a sudden burst of joy from your children? Of course they are upset by the changes in their lives. That is 100% normal. But that doesn't mean you should just shrug your shoulders at the first sight of your child's tears and decide that you must return to your husband. Children can cope with monumental changes if they receive the right support.

If your main concern is your children, then think about their future relationships. Do you want your daughter to end up in a marriage like yours? Do you want your son to treat his future wife as you have been treated? Those are hard questions but they are worth examining.

It’s just so confusing.
When I left I felt an initial burst of confidence and hope.
But it’s gradually waned. We’ve seen more and more of DH and he’s now so different to how he was that it’s making me doubt myself. Maybe we can be a proper family, maybe I’ve been wrong.

Throw in how upset dd is and I just don’t know anymore. I feel like I can’t see the wood for the trees. I thought leaving was the right thing but now I don’t know.

I agree he's out on a great show but only if minimal effort.

He hasn't handed over any money, he hasn't had the DC on his own. He has loads of time on his own to do as he wishes and lay on the sofa whilst you have had none.

He hasn't changed loads at all - a few superficial things and groping you.

He is going to expect a full sex life when you return. He will be more controlling. The minimal changes will stop.

Whenever I’ve seen DH he’s been all over me. Asking me for more kisses. Hands down my trousers and up my top.

You cannot have a safe, happy family living under the same roof when one parent is regularly sexually harassing and assaulting the other.

Let alone all the other stuff, including his future faking and lack of actual follow through.

You are a parent. It is your job to protect your children and give them the best chance of a happy, healthy adulthood.

If your daughter came to you in her 20s and said the man she married was doing to her what your husband does to you (that I've quoted in bold above) would you be ok with that?

Because the longer she's exposed to this toxic dynamic, the more likely it is that she will end up in a similar one as an adult.

And he will soon be coercing you into sex if you agree to make another go of it. All you'll have taught him is that you won't ever leave him so he can do what the fuck he wants to you.

He’s said he will take my lead on the sex part.
He hasn’t groped me quite as much the last few days, although we have been out mainly rather than in the house.
He’s been hugely massively reasonable and now I think maybe it was me all those years, not him.

Of course he's being reasonable!!!

He wants you back, he's trained you to do everything and have his life easy and look perfect. A divorce would tarnish his image and he would have to find another women to take your place and be trained up!!! Plus he would have to hand over "his" money and "his" house. He is desperate to get you back in your place under his control.

Have you read the Lundy book "Why does he do that"?

Why has it taken you physically leave for him to do ANY of his share of parenting? He is still only doing the bare minimum.

Why not insist on another month apart with him having the DC Wednesday after nursery overnight and EOW without you there and him doing all the parenting and running around and handover money so he can prove to you he can and will step up and parent??

@Cornfieldrainbows

He’s said he will take my lead on the sex part. He hasn’t groped me quite as much the last few days, although we have been out mainly rather than in the house. He’s been hugely massively reasonable and now I think maybe it was me all those years, not him.

Hasn't groped you 'quite as much'?

Jesus Christ.

Please seek some counselling ASAP, solo counselling.

You don't seem willing to acknowledge how you would feel if your daughter ended up in a relationship where her husband was sexually harassing her, groping her etc.

How would that make you feel? It's more likely the longer you stay.

When you left OP, full of confidence, in your mind what did you think your next steps were?
I doubt it was meet up with DH multiple times a week was it?

Have you asked him not to grope you?

When he's groped you, have you said 'stop doing that'

He's been reasonable for a week or two and that negates the however many years of him being an entitled shit?

Oh come on

I think the month with the sharing the dc would be good... but we go on holiday on Friday. 😬

Why the 😬 face?

If you don't want to go on holiday then don't go

@Cornfieldrainbows

He’s said he will take my lead on the sex part. He hasn’t groped me quite as much the last few days, although we have been out mainly rather than in the house. He’s been hugely massively reasonable and now I think maybe it was me all those years, not him.

I don't believe for a second you really think that OP. Not for a second.

Don't disrespect yourself by writing that.

You know EXACTLY who he is and what he is.

You are going back because it feels easier at the moment and you are tired.

I understand that this is perhaps not your time to leave. Unfortunately.

But you know your truth and you have lived it for many years.

You know only too well.

We will be here for you, so just keep posting and start saving for the inevitable next time.

Keep posting.
That is key here

I gather that part of what's stopping you from leaving is that you're worried about the financial consequences and whether you could afford it. Don't forget that because you're married, you own half of all marital assets. The home you're in now (if you own it/have a mortgage), any savings etc. Regardless of whose name is on any of that, or whose account it's in. So your finances won't be as bad as you think. DH will also be under a legal duty to pay child maintenance. With your work as well, I think it could definitely work out. If you explain this to your mum, she might be more understanding. In the meantime, speak to a solicitor about divorce and what you'd be entitled to (it shouldn't set you back hugely or anything).

How can you even contemplate going on holiday with him? If he wants to take the children, that would be an excellent opportunity to prove he really has changed. Don't hold your breath, though.