I am so trapped

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I want to leave DH but despite me being unhappy for 17 years my mum is pushing hard for me to stay because of the dc. And probably because she doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child.

She said I chose to have the dc, now it doesn’t matter if I’m happy or not. I’m really struggling. I wake in the morning feeling like I cannot breathe. My heart is racing. I’m not sleeping well, waking about 4am, and I’m not eating.
My mum keeps telling me how heartbroken the dc will be, that I will be poor, that I could lose them 50% of the time and they would hate that. That I will have no time nor money to do anything with them. That I will still be unhappy because my dc will be so unhappy.
Her answer? I wait another 13 years for dc2 to be 18. In 13 years I will be 50 and so worn down that I will have given up, if I make it that far which is debatable tbh.
We’d have to go and stay with my parents if I left DH so there’s no way of avoiding her. I hear what she’s saying and I suppose she is right. It is deeply selfish not to stay for the dc, who are happy, doing well at school and generally very settled.
I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young. Have I got to pay for that decision forever? It seems I have.
I cannot see a way forwards anymore. I just feel trapped. DH is slightly controlling and I am squashed, I am not who I was when we married. I was 20. He was 30. I feel I’ve changed so much and I feel this awful disconnect all the time. My mum says it’s because of covid but I felt it before that, although covid hasn’t helped.
DH isn’t a very involved father currently and never has been. All of the mental load falls on me and most of the practical stuff too. Currently he has them on his own one evening a week when I go out but only after I’ve got youngest dc to bed. Oldest dc is 11 and so not as demanding. He’s never willingly taken any of it on and he’s watched me struggle with things like the fact dc1 didn’t sleep through until he was 4 and he never once gave me a night off. It’s always ‘they settle better for you.’
He works hard, he has a good job, he does love me and the dc but I consistently feel like a thing on his checklist of what he needs for a ‘perfect’ life. I don’t feel like a person in my own right. He says the right things, for example I’ve taken a more demanding role at work with more hours and he did a lot of ‘ill support you whatever you want to do’ before I accepted. I started four months ago and in that four months he’s not practically helped me with anything. He’s not done a single school run, he’s not done anything in the house. I run my day around the children, working through lunch, rushing around, fetching them, coming back and doing another hour or so at work. Everything falls on me. I had a small crying breakdown about two months ago and he said he’d help me but nothing has changed although we now get take out or eat out once a week so I don’t have to cook.
I’m no longer attracted to him and so rarely have sex unless there’s no other option to. But it is rare. Two years and counting.
My mum says so what. If I left him I would be doing it all on my own anyway, plus the dc would be upset, plus I would be poor, she thinks it would all be worse and maybe she is right. I feel so trapped and it makes me feel like giving up. I just want to go to bed and never get back up again. I am already on antidepressants. I want to get back to a place where I feel like me again and I don’t know how to do that. I do know it hasn’t always been as awful as this with DH, I think since dc2 was born and I had PND it’s got much much worse. Mainly because he carried on totally as normal and I was barely functioning. Again he didn’t ever give me a lie in or get up at night when they were a baby. The PND hit me like a brick and I will admit since then I’ve never felt well, I’ve always felt a background level of anxiety. I can think of maybe two or three occasions since I had dc2 five years ago where I’ve not felt anxious. Unfortunately it arrived when she did, like an unwelcome additional child.

My mum thinks that’s why I don’t want to be with DH, that I’ve not recovered from the birth of dc2. I can’t imagine now ever being the person I was before I had her. I cannot imagine ever feeling optimistic or happy or even just less anxious. I get up in the mornings and wait to go back to bed. The best time of my life is when I am asleep. I just struggle through the days putting a brave face on it. I am incredibly lonely.

I love my dc so much. I don’t want to transfer this awful feeling to them. I worry that in breaking their family I will break them. I worry that my mum is right, that I am not capable of managing this. My mum never thinks I am capable of anything. When I went for this job she told me I wouldn’t cope, my children would suffer with me working more hours and I was putting my job in front of them. I spent four years as a sahp after dc2. I work my hours around them as best I can. I do everything I can to mitigate any cost to them - and yet DH just gets to do whatever he wants.

Sorry that was really long. I’m feeling desperate this morning.

Your mum is projecting,you need to ignore her as she is highly critical of her.

Maybe she thought DD would be asleep early and she'd still have her evening bit when that didn't happen she got annoted and instead of saying that she blames you for going out.

Is there anyway you can get a rental to be awsy from your mothers critical eye?

Please ignore your mother, you are not here on earth to serve your kids and husband! You going out for a few hours to see friends will not damage them. Children should grow up seeing their mother happy and achieving. Work and friends helps you keep the money coming in and supports your mental health.
Do you want your daughter to see your mum’s example that women are only here to be a skivy and mother.

I work full time and see my friends for dinner etc once a week. My children are happy, well looked after and I enjoy my time with them more.
Your mum sounds very much like my Nan; husbands should be waited on hand and foot, no career and kids are only to be looked after by their mums. Drives me up the wall! Her marriage was like a prison camp, and her kids have struggled in their personal relationships.
The sooner you get your own place away from both ( husband and your mum) the better. In the meantime I would shut down her comments with “ your comments not helpful or supportive, please keep them to yourself”.
You are doing so well, do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Im in awe of how strong you are and how you are trying to free yourself from the awful position you have been living in.

Dd is rarely asleep early. I got her up at 7am yesterday and we went out at 9am until 5ish, full day. I was really hoping she’d be asleep by 8ish.
I just feel it’s unfair, I do so much with them and for them. It bothers me that they are still unhappy and it’s my fault because they ‘barely see me.’ I don’t feel it’s true. I don’t know what my mum expects. I’m managing 30 hours over 4 days a week - I’ve another week booked off at the end of the summer. I’m trying to do some of the work early in the day because it’s hopeless in the evenings as they are both still up. Most of my friends have proper careers and their children have been with childminders or in nursery since they were one and they seem absolutely fine. Mine have had me at home with them until they went to school - but somehow that’s still not good enough for my mum.
I’m just a bit angry and frustrated this morning. It makes me want to just give up. And now I feel horribly guilty. Again.

It bothers me that they are still unhappy and it’s my fault because they ‘barely see me.’ I don’t feel it’s true

Guess what - you're right. It's not true.

Your mum can say that, and you can think to yourself - rightly - "OK, that's what you think, I disagree and think you're wrong". And carry on. That's absolutely fine. Your mother thinking you should do something differently does not mean you have to change to please her.

I feel like everyone just wants to me to be wife and mum and nothing else
When you say everyone - who is everyone? Your mother and your husband? That's not everyone, that's the two most toxic people in your life. And it's no coincidence those two people want to squeeze you back into the same box.

You are a grown woman. You have agency. You can choose for yourself.

Who else can you talk to? Friends? Adding my voices to those saying please speaking to Women's Aid and a solicitor. You know he is withholding money in the hope that will force you back. Don't let him (or your mother) win!!! You are strong, you have done so well already. Keep going

You need to accept that anything you do will never be good enough for your mum.
Stop listening to what she says.

My mum was a SAHM and she has no interest in my career, I recently got a new job which is a better job with more pay.
I didn't tell my mum but my partner did and she didn't even acknowledge him.
However she does moan a lot about my housework skills and how I worked throughout my kids lives.

I actually think part of it is jealousy that I have been able to work and raise my family and she didn't have those opportunities.

My children are well adjusted adults and thrived on attending childcare settings.

I barely tell my mum anything about my life now, we just have superficial small talk about other family members.
She always talks about my brother's and their jobs but never about me or my sister.
I'm used to it now.

I’m trying to work my 30 hours over 3 days - or at least three main days and then a couple of early mornings the other two days.
Dd goes to a childminder - which she likes - two days a week. I seriously don’t feel it’s the end of the world but my mum is saying my children are being damaged.
I said ok so if I give my job up, I have no income, and then I have fewer choices.
Apparently she’s not suggesting that so I’m not really sure what she is suggesting tbh.

I’ve said it befor me, I’ll say it again a s will keep saying it

The reason you ended up Trapped in the first place with an abuser is because of your mother

She trained you to attract abusers, because she controlled you your entire life.

Stay strong, ignore her, do whatever it takes to get into a position where you can live somewhere else away from her and away from your ex.

Your mum is one of the causes of your issues, not part of the solution ultimately

Your children are NOT being damaged

You know them, you know this

Stay strong.

Please sort out your universal credit claim as a single parent and CMS out urgently.

You need to live somewhere with just you and the DC away from your mother and husband.

You are not trapped anymore you can do this and your DC will have an amazing future ahead of them.

And insist your H transfers you a heap of money. Are there are any joint savings accounts you can access.

Make an appointment with your local housing officer, find out if they do a rent deposit scheme. You are leaving an abusive marriage there is help out there.

Move into rented accommodation and then deal with the finances as part of the divorce.

Just to say good luck OP. And yes, yes get UC and get somewhere away from your mum. If you can talk to her please explain that this isn't helping. Make sure you only discuss childcare or divorce details with STBXH. It will get better

Stop tying yourself up in knots over what your mother says to you. Just nod and ignore her. Your kids are ok and will be ok. A working week of 3 days is perfectly fine, I'd love that me.

Concentrate on the main goal, which is getting set up away from your mother. Then you can decide on whether you want to go LC with her or not.

Stop tying yourself up in knots over what your mother says to you. Just nod and ignore her. Your kids are ok and will be ok. A working week of 3 days is perfectly fine, I'd love that me.

Concentrate on the main goal, which is getting set up away from your mother. Then you can decide on whether you want to go LC with her or not.

All of this.

Internally (because there is no point arguing with her) when she says these things, remind yourself that HER method of parenting and attitude towards relationships is a HUGE part of the reason you ended up with someone abusive. A huge part.

You're breaking that cycle by showing your children than women can and should be as happy, independent and content as men can be. Because equality and progress.

This man has escalated to very thinly veiled threats - I'll never let you go again, can't stop myself from doing xyz to you etc. He is unsafe for you to be alone with. So don't be alone with him.

Your mum is unsafe to live with, so make getting out of there your top priority.

Please don't give up and give in because two controlling and abusive people think you should put yourself last on your list of priorities. They arent saying that because it's true. They're saying that because they want you to stay controlled and abused as it makes you easier for THEM to manage.

Stop it.

Your children have been more damaged by watching their mum do everything for them while their dad does fuck all than they will be by watching their mum build a happy healthy life.

Your daughter likes it at the childminders. You know your daughter better than ANYONE. She's fine! You're all going to be fine.

Stop engaging with this madness when it comes to your mum or their dad. They are toxic, poisonous people who will say and do whatever makes life easier for them at your expense. You can't empathise with that because you're nice, normal and would bend over backward for your kids. They wouldn't. Because they are horrible. Just like you can't argue with stupid, you can't reason with unreasonable.

Mentally disengage. Don't rise to it.

Don't be alone with your ex. He's not safe for you to be around physically and he is also chipping away at your confidence in the decision to split. That is dangerous.

Your mum sounds awful - I had a friend like her who used to go on about how damaging it would be to my child if I left my DH (spoiler alert DD is fine, though of course she found it destabilising for a while).

I found this friend so stressful to be around! Her marriage was really awful and she was too scared to leave, and it was like she was trying to scare me into staying in my own bad marriage, would have company in her decision.

@Cornfieldrainbows

I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young. Have I got to pay for that decision forever?

OP, you said this ^^ of your mother. The person who should have given you loving, caring guidance when you were young and needed it - and the person who let you down. And who now wants you to stay where she helped place you for another 13+ years...

Is she truly the person you should be listening to now? Or someone to get away from as soon as you can set up a better alternative - and that dues NOT mean putting yourself back in the trap you left to make her feel better about steering you towards this man or to save her "shame".

Seriously, OP. Take control of your own life and make a different home for yourself and your children instead of listen to the "flying monkey" of a mother. 🌹

@Cavagirl posted this below:

You are a grown woman. You have agency. You can choose for yourself.

Exactly this! Why do you feel like giving up and going back just because your mother is laying on the guilt? From your posts it's obvious you know this is what she's doing and there's no merit in what she's saying.

Drive forward - take back some control over your own life. Get some money from H, start looking at places to rent, see a solicitor. Your children will be fine as long as they are with you.

These will be the best pieces of advice you can receive - only you can act on them however. It's up to you how much you really want to enjoy your own life again 🤷‍♀️

I found this friend so stressful to be around! Her marriage was really awful and she was too scared to leave, and it was like she was trying to scare me into staying in my own bad marriage, would have company in her decision.

I had this with my sister AND my mother

I was in an absolutely appalling situation with my ex, misery as a word just doesn’t describe it

They would do all they could to let me down and remove support from me to keep me in it. They’d really put the boot in at my lowest/most vulnerable and would revel in it somehow

I only found out in the last year that sis marriage was to a controlling man.

I felt all the pain and hurt all over again when I realised that the time she was being most bloody awful, she KNEW first hand how miserable my life was but still put the boot in.

I’m really struggling with this. I’ve been v low contact since with her. Been NC with mother for years.

I’ve washed my hands of the lot of them now.

It IS because your situation makes people like them feel better about the shit they’re in.

I could never ever do that to someone, not even a stranger!

I agree with everyone, but also wanted to say this.

This is a change for your DC and any change will effect any child’s mood/sleep. Your mother is not really a nice person but your dad sounds more supportive (so lean on him, instead of listening to her).

Ask friends/family anyone if they know of any rental property’s. Your DC will fair much better, living with you with their things than staying with your mother. She is the type to slowly drip poison, until you cave and go back.

Please also give WA a call.

OP,

Your mother is a disgrace and she is a Class A bitch.

Your children are better away from him.

But you need to be looking at your own space away from her and her undermining nastiness.

Start the claims.
Help yourself.

Still no money from that pig?
More controlling behaviour from him.

Stop allowing him to pay nothing.

@billy1966

OP,

Your mother is a disgrace and she is a Class A bitch.

Your children are better away from him.

But you need to be looking at your own space away from her and her undermining nastiness.

Start the claims.
Help yourself.

Still no money from that pig?
More controlling behaviour from him.

Stop allowing him to pay nothing.

THIS...

and claim CMS ...

why have you avoided doing this is beyond me 😳

Your lack of confidence is what is making you feel TRAPPED...

Stand TALL !!!

and stop letting your Mother play you for a fool.. how dare she undermine your abusive relationship .. 🌸

OP let me share my own children's childhood.

I had and have a full time job, regularly on the road or abroad for a number of days.

My DH works locally so we were able to juggle things, and we had a fabulous childminder.

We socialise with friends, go out or have them round. More now than when they were very young, but we still did regularly enough.

I never thought we were doing anything other than showing the kids what healthy normal adults do.

In fact I was secretly pleased that the kids could see us having a laugh and enjoying ourselves with friends, and that we were basically saying this is completely normal for mums and dads.

You're not abandoning your kids FFS.

In fact you are doing far more damage by being a permanent fixture in the home. It's not healthy.

Your mother may be projecting onto the kids. Believe me they will be proud to see you skipping out the door with your glad rags on, happy and carefree. And coming home with tales of a lovely time.

Sorry but your mother is a terrible role model and influence.

You wouldn't want that for your daughter would you?

@Cornfieldrainbows

You need to stop discussing any of this with your Mother, because you know her 'opinions' about it, and they don't match yours

Whenever she tries to say things like ''you're upsetting the children'' etc simply tell her ''No, it's my abusive husband who's upsetting the children ! I'm the one trying to save them and myself from his abuse !

Remember, sacrificing yourself/ your needs won't help the kids It will only hurt them !

If you need to talk to someone in RL, then try your Dad, or a sympathetic friend (or the bloody Samaritans).

Keep in focus the reasons you left !

Apply yourself to getting things organised to get a place of your own.
Apply for any benefits etc you can get.
Apply for child maintenance money for kids (i.e child support).

You will feel more 'empowered' and 'free' when you have your own place to call home.

Meantime, refuse to see him, because he will suddenly 'switch' and become very angry. And there's zero benefit to either you or the kids to be pretending 'happy families' while trying desperately to avoid his sexual/romantic/threatening advances it must be truly horrible to witness, and your children are not fools. They can sense the fear/anxiety/revulsion/tension !

If he becomes abusive again, then phone the police and block him on your phone. The thinly veiled threats about never 'allowing' you out of his sight etc are frankly terrifying. He knows he's actively threatening you, so he's ''dressing it up'' as ''being romantic'', but your DC also know what it means, believe me.

How are you doing?

I feel like you're being bullied into leaving him. Don't be told what to do - make up your own mind.

This statement from another poster resonated with me. Does it resonate with you, OP?
Unless you're actually saying - you need to pick up DC x times a week, you need to clear away your shit, I want a cleaner - it sounds like he's not actually going to work it out himself, and you saying you're sad and unhappy and leaving him to figure out how to solve that is just going to lead to more unhelpful suggestions like leaving your job or a holiday. In the short term you could at least try being really specific with him? Or are you worried how he would react.