I am so trapped

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I want to leave DH but despite me being unhappy for 17 years my mum is pushing hard for me to stay because of the dc. And probably because she doesn’t want the shame of a divorced child.

She said I chose to have the dc, now it doesn’t matter if I’m happy or not. I’m really struggling. I wake in the morning feeling like I cannot breathe. My heart is racing. I’m not sleeping well, waking about 4am, and I’m not eating.
My mum keeps telling me how heartbroken the dc will be, that I will be poor, that I could lose them 50% of the time and they would hate that. That I will have no time nor money to do anything with them. That I will still be unhappy because my dc will be so unhappy.
Her answer? I wait another 13 years for dc2 to be 18. In 13 years I will be 50 and so worn down that I will have given up, if I make it that far which is debatable tbh.
We’d have to go and stay with my parents if I left DH so there’s no way of avoiding her. I hear what she’s saying and I suppose she is right. It is deeply selfish not to stay for the dc, who are happy, doing well at school and generally very settled.
I married DH partly because she wanted me to and I was young. Have I got to pay for that decision forever? It seems I have.
I cannot see a way forwards anymore. I just feel trapped. DH is slightly controlling and I am squashed, I am not who I was when we married. I was 20. He was 30. I feel I’ve changed so much and I feel this awful disconnect all the time. My mum says it’s because of covid but I felt it before that, although covid hasn’t helped.
DH isn’t a very involved father currently and never has been. All of the mental load falls on me and most of the practical stuff too. Currently he has them on his own one evening a week when I go out but only after I’ve got youngest dc to bed. Oldest dc is 11 and so not as demanding. He’s never willingly taken any of it on and he’s watched me struggle with things like the fact dc1 didn’t sleep through until he was 4 and he never once gave me a night off. It’s always ‘they settle better for you.’
He works hard, he has a good job, he does love me and the dc but I consistently feel like a thing on his checklist of what he needs for a ‘perfect’ life. I don’t feel like a person in my own right. He says the right things, for example I’ve taken a more demanding role at work with more hours and he did a lot of ‘ill support you whatever you want to do’ before I accepted. I started four months ago and in that four months he’s not practically helped me with anything. He’s not done a single school run, he’s not done anything in the house. I run my day around the children, working through lunch, rushing around, fetching them, coming back and doing another hour or so at work. Everything falls on me. I had a small crying breakdown about two months ago and he said he’d help me but nothing has changed although we now get take out or eat out once a week so I don’t have to cook.
I’m no longer attracted to him and so rarely have sex unless there’s no other option to. But it is rare. Two years and counting.
My mum says so what. If I left him I would be doing it all on my own anyway, plus the dc would be upset, plus I would be poor, she thinks it would all be worse and maybe she is right. I feel so trapped and it makes me feel like giving up. I just want to go to bed and never get back up again. I am already on antidepressants. I want to get back to a place where I feel like me again and I don’t know how to do that. I do know it hasn’t always been as awful as this with DH, I think since dc2 was born and I had PND it’s got much much worse. Mainly because he carried on totally as normal and I was barely functioning. Again he didn’t ever give me a lie in or get up at night when they were a baby. The PND hit me like a brick and I will admit since then I’ve never felt well, I’ve always felt a background level of anxiety. I can think of maybe two or three occasions since I had dc2 five years ago where I’ve not felt anxious. Unfortunately it arrived when she did, like an unwelcome additional child.

My mum thinks that’s why I don’t want to be with DH, that I’ve not recovered from the birth of dc2. I can’t imagine now ever being the person I was before I had her. I cannot imagine ever feeling optimistic or happy or even just less anxious. I get up in the mornings and wait to go back to bed. The best time of my life is when I am asleep. I just struggle through the days putting a brave face on it. I am incredibly lonely.

I love my dc so much. I don’t want to transfer this awful feeling to them. I worry that in breaking their family I will break them. I worry that my mum is right, that I am not capable of managing this. My mum never thinks I am capable of anything. When I went for this job she told me I wouldn’t cope, my children would suffer with me working more hours and I was putting my job in front of them. I spent four years as a sahp after dc2. I work my hours around them as best I can. I do everything I can to mitigate any cost to them - and yet DH just gets to do whatever he wants.

Sorry that was really long. I’m feeling desperate this morning.

My mum is being more supportive now. She’s being ok.

I was the first in my entire family to get divorced. You know what? The world didn't end! I am now happily married for 27 years and my DH is a brilliant SD to my son. You have one life, ffs don't go to your grave regretting it.

My dc are kicking off left right and centre. Both weepy. Both angry. Is this normal? Fighting.

@shakeitoffshakeacocktail

I'd watch out for a full on rage when he doesn't get his own way, he is expecting you to come back and he will be laughing behind your back if you do.

I was really concerned for your mental health in your original post, remember that post, you could barely wake up to live your own life! You were verging on suicidal.

This is YOUR LIFE, you are not a bit part in his

I must admit OP, your posts struck me too as a woman doubting her will to live.

I don't say that lightly.

Your posts were so awfully sad.

We can only advise you not to return.
We haven't any vested interest, just your well being.

Do not go on holidays.

Tell him that you are not going back at the moment, you need space.

Ask to see his commitment to the children.
He has never done anything for or with them.

Let him start by looking after them on his own in the home.

Let him start by doing what needs to be fone for them.

You stay with your mum and rest up while he takes the children on the weekends and looks after them.

You have been doing it alone for 12 years, it surely can't be so hard.

Tell him you want to see him keep a spotless house and mind and feed his children.

You need a break from 100% responsibility for everything.

He has never shown one iota of commitment to you or the children.

He needs to do that for an extended period of time before you will consider returning.

He is a selfish prick.
Always has been.
Always will be.

Lets see actions, not words OP.

All I can say is, if you return now you will bitterly regret it.

I bet the prick has the house in a right mess too, waiting for you to return.

Your life, your choice.
All we can hope for is that you realise at 37 your life has real value.

Keep posting.

Don’t go on holidays wIth him. Tell him to bring the kids himself because they’re looking forward to it. Don’t preempt his mood, that’s his responsibility, not yours.
Let him have a tantrum, that’s on him! You know you’re doing the right thing by leaving him. Of course the kids will be upset, angry and moody, but that’s all temporary stuff. Like anything they’ll get used to the situation and settle down. In the long run they will be happier because you’ll be happier. Life will be way better. Please stay away from him x

@Cornfieldrainbows

He won’t. He moans the house is a mess but doesn’t do anything.

Yesterday my day started at 6.15. His at 8.30. We both worked - me until 4pm when I went to get h the dc and him until 5pm when he went to golf for second time this week.
When he got back (9pm) I’d made dinner for the dc but not cleared up and his was in the oven. I got dc2 to bed and must admit I then fell asleep on the bed next to her because I was so tired. I’ve come down this morning and all last night’s dishes and plated are still just on the side in the kitchen.

This is how it is.

This is just one huge piss take. No wonder you're depressed. He treats you so badly and your mum is revolting in how she talks to you and treats you. She sounds excessively controlling and will never give you any positive caring advice. She's not interested unless you do exactly what she says, when she says it & you've kind of married your mother.

You need to leave and cut both off and start living the life you deserve. Let your kids see that a woman's role isn't to be subjugated and treated like a maid, pushed to the edge by being used and taken for granted. You have a long life ahead of you that could be a lot happier than the one you're living.

How are you feeling?

Thank you for checking in on me.

I’m struggling hard. DH is pushing me to go back and go away on holiday tomorrow. He keeps going on about his love for me and how he can change the ethos of the family and how he’s lucky if I still love him and how it’s all going to be different and we can build the bridges. That he’s turning this negative into a positive and can make positive changes for all of us and we’re going to be a proper family rather than me and the kids and then him. He’s going to be much more involved and with my advice and help he can do that.

I still don’t know what I want.
Dd wants to see him - he’s spoken to her on the phone and told her how much he misses her and so she’s upset that he’s there on his own. She misses her house and her cat. Ds isn’t so fussed. He says he doesn’t want to go back. But whether he’s just saying that I’m not sure.

Please just block him for the next few days, until he gets it.

You can unblock when you have had a chance to breathe and think.

He’s pestering you because he’s trying to suck you back in, he’s not respecting your boundaries, he hasn’t changed he’s just saying what he thinks will take for you to go back for more

But I have his children. He will want to see them.

I don’t know what to do. 😔

Your dd is 5?

My ds was 5 when his dad went. He understood more than I realised and asked if daddy was coming back and I said no he wasn’t

“Was it because daddy shouted at mummy too much, he shouted a lot”

I told him yes. He was fine pretty much thereafter

Appropriate truth. Dd misses her house and her cat. That’s all solvable

But it doesn’t mean that you have to move back in with him

Give her time. Block him for a few days and buy yourself some time and peace

So now he need your advice and help to become more involved. Ffs what an imbecile, is he a salesperson by any chance? He is also being extremely unfair and manipulative of your Dd by using her emotions to get to you. All I can say is hold firm. You left for a reason, read back on your own posts to keep your resolve

Why doesn't he take the kids in holiday and you go home for a week? That will give you a chance to sleep, eat and think abit, he can put his money where his mouth is and step up to looking after them?
You clearly aren't well, not surprisingly, so you could tell the children that's why you aren't going

OP take a step back.

There's this fake deadline of the holiday which of course if you don't go on represents something quite big.
But it's not a real deadline, and it's certainly not a deadline for you to decide whether to stay or leave your marriage.

You can take your time, and if your husband is serious about fixing things, and not simply getting you back in your box as quickly as possible, he will give you time.

If you ask for time and he won't give it, then that tells you everything doesn't it?

Time and space from him might mean you stay at your mums for a bit & the DC visit him. It's not going to be fun but it's what you need, and you need to be brave and put yourself first for once here, to get the time and space you need to figure out what you want to do.

The constant badgering on the phone is unhelpful and ultimately meaningless if all he wants is for you to get home and pretend this never happened. So you need to tell him to stop that now and only communicate about the kids. He thinks your departure is some kind of high stakes negotiation to get him to agree to things - he needs to understand your departure is actually all about you, and getting what you need, and he needs to wait.

Please sack off the holiday and take a bit of time to think.

@QuentinBunbury

Why doesn't he take the kids in holiday and you go home for a week? That will give you a chance to sleep, eat and think abit, he can put his money where his mouth is and step up to looking after them? You clearly aren't well, not surprisingly, so you could tell the children that's why you aren't going

This is an excellent suggestion

OP,

All he is saying is confirmation of what you have written.

He knows well that he has been a truly appalling husband, father and man.

Truly appalling.

He knows well.

12 years of treating you like shit.

You need to put what is best for you first because that is what is best for your children.

Your daughter is being manipulated by a selfish awful man.

Your son is older and knows well the set up.

The holiday is NOT happening.
Stop stressing about it.

Make the decision that it is NOT happening.

Do not be guilted.

This is his fault.

Tell him that.

Keep telling him "12 years of you being a dreadful husband, father and man".

Just keep repeating it to him over and over.

You know this is true and by christ he knows it too.

He just expected you to accept and suck it up forever because that was what he trained you to take.

You have done the hard bit.

You have left the home.

Please don't be one of those women who goes back and bitterly regrets ut and then feels they can't do it again to their children.

You have done the hard bit.

Stay strong.
Make the decision about the holiday.
Tell your children there will be other holidays.
Because there will be other holidays, but not with him.

You need to tell him No holiday and block him so your head can have space.

Please re read your posts.
This is who he is.

For 12 long years.

Your marriage is over.
Done.
Finished.

You have a good future ahead of you.

Just don't go back.

You will regret it and be in a worse position.

He had 12 years.
He made the decision to be a truly dreadful man all those years.

You accept that and move on.

Keep posting.

He is a saleman 😂😂
A lot of it has felt like sales patter but that is how he is. It doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t mean it. I don’t know which way is up at the moment.

It does bother me that he has known and only now is he saying - oh I’ll give you more money, I’ll do this, I’ll do that.
I said sometimes when I’ve struggled for money when I was a sahm - especially when I had both children off over the holidays - I’ve sold things. And that when I’ve asked him for a bit extra he has said ‘bank is closed.’ Not literally obviously. He is the bank.

I'm echoing Billy.

You have done the hardest part.

He is still trying to 'manage you' back into your box.

That's all he's doing.

He's not interested in the DC. He's just trying to use them to get at you.

You need to take time. He knows that by pushing you, he's far more likely to get what he wants. So he's deliberately NOT giving you time and space to think !

You honestly need to tell him ''H, I do not want to speak to you at all. I have left because our marriage is over.
You have had 12 long years to try to be a good husband and Father, and despite me telling you time and time again that I was unhappy because you were not a 'good husband' or a 'good Dad' due to your lazy and selfish behavior, YOU did NOT change your behavior.
Going forward, I have opened a new email account which you can use to discuss child access arrangements and divorce only, this is the address....................''

Be strong, because both you and your DC deserve SO much better.

Great advice above.

He was also financially abusive OP.

It is abusive to cause your wife to sell items so that she has money for the children.

He knows that well.

Tell him that not only was he a...

Shit husband,

Shit father,

Shit man.

He was FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE.

Let him know that.

Let him know, that YOU know that.

I cannot stress enough that he knows well that he was a horror but such was his disregard for you he thought he could get away with it.

I cannot stress to you enough, he NEVER, EVER loved you.

EVER.

Your WHOLE marriage has been abusive.

If you return, you are returning to a highly abusive man.

Please don't.

You got out.

The hardest bit for a woman is the bit you have done.

Be SO proud of yourself.

Don't go back🙏

‘Bank is closed’!!! He’s Financially abusive to top it off. That is such a disrespectful thing to say to a partner. Fair enough if things are tight, but you have a discussion about it, not just an announcement like that. That’s so hurtful.
You don’t know which way is up because he keeps pestering you with his sales pitch.

To clear your mind just decide you’re not going on holiday, period!
TELL him that and that you’re not discussing it any further.
Don’t let him bombard you, he needs to respect your wishes.
Block him if he’s not willing to give you space.
Put the holiday disappointment on him, tell the kids ur too unwell to go away but maybe their dad will bring them by himself. Let him deal with it.
The holiday is a tiny blip in all this - worse case scenario, the kids are upset and have a hissy fit. They’ll get over it, it’s minor in the large scheme of your life.
Give them alternative plans such as a trips to beach/swimming pool etc to look forward to instead.
Don’t get sucked in by his words. He’s had 12 long years of actions for you to focus on. Believe his actions not his empty words. He has treated you with such contempt x

Like billy and updown have said, you have done the hardest part. Be proud of yourself and DONT undo it by going back to him.
STAY STRONG x

I’ve said I will take the kids over to see him this afternoon.
And then... I don’t know.

Woman!!!!!! Why are you doing this to yourself?

DO NOT entertain any bollocks about giving him 'a second chance'. How many times have you told him you're struggling, you're tired, you can't eat, that you need help, cried? Every time he didn't do anything after one of those was a chance he wasted!

If I lost so much weight my clothes were hanging off my husband would be worrying himself sick. Has yours even noticed?

He treats you the same way I treat my iron - it doesn't always heat evenly and the steam holes are a bit scaley but I won't do anything about it til it breaks.

You can do better, you can be happy and you can provide a happy, safe and emotionally supportive home for your kids without him