Ending things with OM

[amoringafornel]

I fully expect to be flamed. Which I accept. My behaviour has been shit, selfish and unforgiveable.
I had an affair several years ago, and although DH and I worked through things and stayed together, I continued to see OM.
I haven't physically seen him since 2019 due to lock down but we have remained in contact via Facebook / messaging etc.

I want to end things and completely cut contact, and despite making this decision and knowing it should be as simple as just blocking and deleting, I am struggling to do it.
I have issues, clearly. I am a people pleaser and can't bear people not liking me or the thought I'll upset / offend anyone.
I have started counselling, as this need to please has landed me in dangerous situations many times.
I am not trying to justify my behaviour, I am a grown woman and know better.
I've just read on another thread where a woman has found out her DH has been cheating. A PP stated the OW is clearly broken, as no healthy minded person would treat another that way, let alone their own spouses, children etc.
This has really struck a nerve and I feel sick with myself.
I want to send a clear, concise message to OM explaining that it is over.
I know I sound pathetic, but please help me word it. Its something I really struggle with.

Hello OP. Well done for getting to this point.

Why do you need to send a message? Why not just block and stop?

But if you must - how about - I've decided now that this is over. I don't need a reply, I'm blocking you and this is goodbye.
Short and clear.

How about 'I've suddenly realised that I've been behaving like a spoilt brat and that I should not be stringing two men along, so I have chosen my marriage' .. and then some guff about sorry for hurting him blah blah

You need to tell your husband. He deserves the opportunity to decide whether or not he wants to stay with you. If you want to turn things around, you have an awful lot more thinking to do.

Unlike most of the other posters on Mumsnet I don't believe everything is black and white and there are a multitude of reasons why affairs happen.
Ending things with your OM will be much like ending any relationship. I think you need to be firm and just tell him it's over and you no longer want to see him. Then definitely block him and delete any of his contact details. You've been tempted to go back to him once before so you need to remove the temptation.

'After much soul searching I have decided that I am ending our relationship, please allow me the respect and space to move on. I will be blocking and deleting you after this message. I wish you all the very best in the future and hope you find happiness.'

Your DH deserves to have the whole truth, and decide if he actually wants to stay with you after this ongoing betrayal.

No one can you tell you what to put. Apart from 'it's over don't contact me again' and blocking.

But you could have done that already, if you really wanted to.

You say you are a people pleaser, but you haven't been concerned about how pleased your dh would be if he found out.

Affairs happen, I don't like it, I don't like affairs. But they happen. And not everyone who has affairs are awful people. So I am not saying this to be awful.

But this isn't just about an affair. Your husband knew you and an affair. Then you told him you ended it and he believed you and you continued to lie.

He deserves the chance to know the whole truth about the relationship and make a decision for himself. Just like you are making a decision about what you want to do.

’I am a people pleaser and can't bear people not liking me or the thought I'll upset / offend anyone.’
Apart from your husband 😄 does he not get a say in whether he wants an adulterer wife? Hopefully someone will do the decent thing and let him know.
How you dump your lover isn’t really an issue. Ask your husband for advice.

No, carry on the affair, you made your bed.
Your poor husband nd children if you have any.
Sorry, but I'd tell a man the same, it's the worst thing you can do to the one you are supposed to love.
Divorce him at least and let him find someone who isn't a cheat.

You're only thinking about ending it with OM, when really you need to end it with DH, or at least tell him. Sounds like you've liked to have had your cake and eat it for quite a while, very sorry situation but your perspective is very skewed

I was the poster who wrote about the people who conduct affairs being broken.

Having a lovely spouse whilst conducting an affair, secretly messaging, plotting, arranging futures and plans whilst living with someone you are attached enough to that you chose to marry, is broken OP.

I also said I will never understand how fucked up people can get, to do this to other women, to other children or their own children. There is a fundamental flaw within you, that you need to address. The lack of responsibility and care you feel for other people's feelings isn't normal. It isn't how humans, as a majority, work. Most people get it. I am not talking about your feelings of guilt, I am sure you feel guilt, but people who grow properly tend to realise that riding rough shod over other peoples emotions to fulfil their own needs and wishes is just, very simply, wrong and very unfulfilling. You won't ever get to like yourself until you stop behaving like this. It isn't hard to choose to do the right thing, you know deep down what is right. You just need to know how to do it and stick with it. Don't drag others along with you whilst you learn to be decent and behave with integrity and finally like yourself. It is not fair to put people through that shit, at their expense.

You need to tell your poor dh, then he can decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you or to be constantly looking over his shoulder.

@cupcakecourageous

'After much soul searching I have decided that I am ending our relationship, please allow me the respect and space to move on. I will be blocking and deleting you after this message. I wish you all the very best in the future and hope you find happiness.'

Your DH deserves to have the whole truth, and decide if he actually wants to stay with you after this ongoing betrayal.

I think this is a good message, which acknowledges the importance the man has played in your life and the affection you held for him.

Do you love your DH? Do you want to be with him? Do you think he'd want to be with you if he found out that you've been betraying him ever since he gave you another chance?

@SafeMove
You are insanely naive to think most people don’t behave like this.
The statistics prove you wrong on every level, both male and female.

What are you getting out of it to continue messaging him for almost a year and a half without seeing him? Have you REALLY not met up with him? Doesn’t make sense why you would continue when you had an easy out and distance a long time ago.

If you feel that bad, I agree with PP, tell your DH so he knows that you continued to deceive him for so long. Poor bloke probably thinks it’s all over and done with.

You need to work out your own issues that make you capable of cheating and betrayal but you owe your DH to not live a lie.

[quote Taliskerskye]@SafeMove
You are insanely naive to think most people don’t behave like this.
The statistics prove you wrong on every level, both male and female.[/quote]
But its interesting, that while plenty of do people cheat. A big portion of them, wouldn't inflict the equivalent damage and pain on other people in their lives.

It seems alot of people can reconcile doing it to a partner. But wouldn't do it to their parents, best friends, colleagues etc.

Some would, but many wouldn't.

I wonder why that is.

Send him a simple no contact message. If you Google around infidelity and no contact messages they’ll be something well worded.

IMHO and this is hard, I think you need to tell your husband that this has been ongoing and take full responsibility. The no contact message should be something that he is fully aware of.

You are right to get into individual counselling. There is absolutely some truth in the idea of brokenness to have an affair.

There is so much out there if you look. Brilliant podcasts, videos, forums which will support you moving forward. How to help your spouse heal from your affair and not just friends would be good books to read to get you started.

Good luck

You just need to block and delete him..not farewell message needed
But you owe it to your husband to be truthful and give him the choice whether to stay with you or go, it's not fair you stringing him along and playing happy families. Start a clean slate and be honest.

'I realize that what we're doing is wrong so I have to cut ties.' Then block on everything.

Or if you felt able, just block as a PP suggested.

You’re not a people pleaser if you’re doing this. You might think you are because you can’t bear the thought of anyone (or more accurately the OM) not liking you, but by carrying on messaging him the only person you’re pleasing is yourself and your need to be liked. What about your husband? Do you think he’d like you if he knew what a selfish and deceitful person you really are? Because that’s what this is, it’s selfishness. It couldn’t be further from people pleasing. I’ve little time for people pleasers in general - the general advice id give to anyone who describes themselves that way is grow a backbone and do/say what needs to be done/said. That applies to you and your situation.

Well done for getting to this point op, a number of years ago I was single but the 'other woman.' At the time I was in a bit of a haze and being only 22 very easily manipulated by someone older, who I also found out was seeing numerous other women but telling me I was the one yada yada. I was in this bubble for about 10 months until I met someone I really liked and then the rose tinted glasses came off at full force, I saw this guy for what he really was and felt physically sick at what I had done. His now wife is still unaware I believe and I hope he's changed his ways since then. When I decided to end it I just rang him up and told him that was it I wanted to start things up with this new guy and wasn't going to be unfaithful, he lost his shit as he was worried I would out him and a number of times tried to get in contact. I remained firm and he got the message. I would say it will probably help with closure to send a final message but then don't wait for a response as it could sway you. Send your peace and tell him you're blocking/deleting and for him to not get in contact and then follow through and stay strong. You'll get over him but only if you cut him off for good.

OP you will get a lot of one sided answers here.

Affairs are very common. Most men I know have cheated on their wives and still very much love their wives.

Women in general have different reasons for having affairs and those are usually associated with trauma, past experiences, wanting to leave but not knowing how. Inability to say no, to people please, comes from trauma and an attachment problem. It is all linked.

Don’t beat yourself up. Heal
Yourself.

although DH and I worked through things and stayed together, I continued to see OM.

Wow just wow. Your husband was a fool to stay but he should be the one told first. Give him the option of being stupid enough to stay or get rid.

I am a people pleaser and can't bear people not liking me or the thought I'll upset / offend anyone.

But it's ok to upset and offend your husband. You are a selfish you pleaser. You care not for anyone else or you wouldn't have done this to begin with.

I am not trying to justify my behaviour,

Yes you are. You continued after your husband was stupid enough to give you an undeserved second chance. You, in the quote above, are trying to justify it. Completely. Like "I'm a people pleaser" is any form of defence. This was always all about you you you.

I know I sound pathetic

COMPLETELY

but please help me word it. Its something I really struggle with.

Tell your husband first then sort out your mess on your own. You don't need help with this. You have proven you'll do what you want anyway as long as you're happy.
Really awful person and I feel for your husband.

How about come clean with your husband too? Does he know you carried on?

And some of the replies basically making this ok because "most people they know have had affairs" are just as bad. What kind of immoral company do you keep that most people you know have had them?! Some people have super low standards for the kind of people they associate with...

Hope you get what's coming op but you have plenty of friends here who are also immoral enough that they think being selfish and doing this is OK. So you'll be fine.