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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending things with OM

81 replies

amoringafornel · 13/07/2021 15:02

I fully expect to be flamed. Which I accept. My behaviour has been shit, selfish and unforgiveable.
I had an affair several years ago, and although DH and I worked through things and stayed together, I continued to see OM.
I haven't physically seen him since 2019 due to lock down but we have remained in contact via Facebook / messaging etc.

I want to end things and completely cut contact, and despite making this decision and knowing it should be as simple as just blocking and deleting, I am struggling to do it.
I have issues, clearly. I am a people pleaser and can't bear people not liking me or the thought I'll upset / offend anyone.
I have started counselling, as this need to please has landed me in dangerous situations many times.
I am not trying to justify my behaviour, I am a grown woman and know better.
I've just read on another thread where a woman has found out her DH has been cheating. A PP stated the OW is clearly broken, as no healthy minded person would treat another that way, let alone their own spouses, children etc.
This has really struck a nerve and I feel sick with myself.
I want to send a clear, concise message to OM explaining that it is over.
I know I sound pathetic, but please help me word it. Its something I really struggle with.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 14/07/2021 11:10

I don’t know any numbers by heart.

You are (now) doing the right thing, OP - delete this and get your counselling. Don’t tell your DH now, but one day in the future you may decide to. That’s a decision for another day (post-counselling).

lexocet · 14/07/2021 11:10

Did you give him a fake name in your contacts @amoringafornel Shock

TedMullins · 14/07/2021 11:11

I hope someone else tells your husband then!

lexocet · 14/07/2021 11:12

@PersonaNonGarter

I don’t know any numbers by heart.

You are (now) doing the right thing, OP - delete this and get your counselling. Don’t tell your DH now, but one day in the future you may decide to. That’s a decision for another day (post-counselling).

Well that's a very bad idea if ever I read one. So, don't tell DH now, but you might tell him in the future?! When?! After he's lived a couple of decades in blissful ignorance? When he or she is diagnosed with a terminal illness? On her deathbed? Tosh.
SafeMove · 14/07/2021 11:14

By continuously telling someone 'You are just making bad choices, it is a mistake' etc you aren't helping them. You are soothing them, yes, which is nice and kind but it is not helping them really. I made terrible choices (with very hard drugs) when I was younger. My mum was very much sweep it under the carpet, you can't help it, you are traumatised etc. And I loved her for that because that is what I wanted to hear so I didn't take respinsibility. But it took a friend of mine to say 'You aren't only hurting your self, you are feeding into a much bigger picture of absolute disgusting human behaviour and you might end up dead and spreading the trauma about and it isn't okay.' The OP isn't inherently evil, I am sure, but she does need to be curious about why she has been so awful towards a man who trusted her enough to make a formal, legal commitment to her, forgave her when she cheated, put his trust in her again and is now oblivious to a major part of his life, the emotional commitment from his wife is not what he thinks it is. That is pretty abhorrent and I feel for him. I have never knowingly been cheated on (though I probably have because I have been with some right dicks) so not all the responses are projection by 'wronged women'.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/07/2021 11:24

Noticeable too that OP said nothing about the OM's situation - married, partnered or whatever

After such longstanding deceit, and the intention for it to continue, it's hardly credible that she's seen the light because of posts from another devastated spouse, so I'm left wondering if the real reason she's still using her DH is that her "alternative" won't commit

Anyway, since the vast majority of replies won't be to her taste I expect the thread will disappear shortly because of "privacy concerns"

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/07/2021 11:24

@SafeMove

By continuously telling someone 'You are just making bad choices, it is a mistake' etc you aren't helping them. You are soothing them, yes, which is nice and kind but it is not helping them really. I made terrible choices (with very hard drugs) when I was younger. My mum was very much sweep it under the carpet, you can't help it, you are traumatised etc. And I loved her for that because that is what I wanted to hear so I didn't take respinsibility. But it took a friend of mine to say 'You aren't only hurting your self, you are feeding into a much bigger picture of absolute disgusting human behaviour and you might end up dead and spreading the trauma about and it isn't okay.' The OP isn't inherently evil, I am sure, but she does need to be curious about why she has been so awful towards a man who trusted her enough to make a formal, legal commitment to her, forgave her when she cheated, put his trust in her again and is now oblivious to a major part of his life, the emotional commitment from his wife is not what he thinks it is. That is pretty abhorrent and I feel for him. I have never knowingly been cheated on (though I probably have because I have been with some right dicks) so not all the responses are projection by 'wronged women'.
Spot on 👏

Tough love and hard truths are so much more productive than labelling ongoing cruel and selfish behaviour as a mistake.

lexocet · 14/07/2021 11:26

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Noticeable too that OP said nothing about the OM's situation - married, partnered or whatever

After such longstanding deceit, and the intention for it to continue, it's hardly credible that she's seen the light because of posts from another devastated spouse, so I'm left wondering if the real reason she's still using her DH is that her "alternative" won't commit

Anyway, since the vast majority of replies won't be to her taste I expect the thread will disappear shortly because of "privacy concerns"

My thoughts exactly @Puzzledandpissedoff
Viviennemary · 14/07/2021 11:27

I don't think it really matters what you do or say now. I agree you are a you pleaser. And now you want to salve your conscience because you feel bad.

CutePanda · 14/07/2021 11:38

You need to end it with OM… and also your DH. You cheated on your DH and he should be given the choice on whether to stay with his unfaithful wife.

Ladybug123 · 14/07/2021 12:56

‘I’m not condoning what you’ve done, but we all make mistakes.’

It’s not a mistake, it’s a series of damaging choices.

‘You’re not broken’

Actually affair psychology of which there is a fair amount out there does describe a brokenness in those that choose to cheat on their partner. As there is in anyone who makes such a damaging choices ones that could potentially implode their worlds. Please remember children are often the collateral damage to affairs, you’ve got to be pretty broken to need validation, that could potentially involve your children being out at risk of a broken home or watching a parent go through ptsd and trauma which is typical of a betrayed on discovery.

Ladybug123 · 14/07/2021 12:59

We don’t do people who are involved in infidelity any favours by not calling it what it is. The behaviour patterns often continue into the next relationship and until they own their behaviour they will struggle to be a safe partner for anyone.

CornishGem1975 · 14/07/2021 13:09

[quote Taliskerskye]@SafeMove
You are insanely naive to think most people don’t behave like this.
The statistics prove you wrong on every level, both male and female.[/quote]
Agree wholeheartedly.

There's a massive amount of 'broken' people out there by all accounts.

BoPeeple · 14/07/2021 13:11

I think we can call it what it is whilst not making it the worst thing a human can ever do and call them ‘broken’, ‘disgusting’ etc.

People betray friendships, gossip, let people down, abuse trust, lie, cheat and steal all the time, and sometimes these are ongoing behaviours. But somehow people on MN are flamed specifically for infidelity. I just think everyone deserves a break, especially when they are trying to do the right thing as OP is here.

Ladybug123 · 14/07/2021 13:18

BoPeeple I don’t find ‘broken’ an insulting term at all. I use it to describe my own husband who uses it himself when talking about his mental state during his affair. I know that he, as a man who has worked to be a safe partner, would say exactly what I’ve said and encourage people to address their issues. And I’m not sure if you’ve ever been a betrayed spouse but I can honestly say the trauma and PTSD is REAL and that is why there are such strong emotions around it. Walk a mile in peoples shoes first.

OP I’m going to just say that until you are completely honest with your husband and stop trying to control the outcome through keeping the truth for him, you’re not working on being a safe partner.

Beetlewing · 14/07/2021 13:33

Tell him exactly what you've just told us.

Original poster
amoringafornel · 14/07/2021 14:17

Whilst I understand that on paper, the "right" thing to do would be to tell him, at this moment in time the fallout would be too catastrophic and would involve too many people.
Yes, of course I should have considered that before. But unfortunately that moment has passed, and I am now here.
I am not looking for sympathy or expecting understanding. I AM happy that I'm taking steps in the "right" direction, however small and insignificant they may seem to some of you.
Thank you for the replies.

OP posts:
CuriousSurrey · 14/07/2021 15:29

Pandemic started in March 2020 so why did you stop seeing him in 2019? Is OM married too?

Original poster
amoringafornel · 14/07/2021 15:34

@CuriousSurrey

Pandemic started in March 2020 so why did you stop seeing him in 2019? Is OM married too?
We didn't stop seeing each other as such. That's just the last time I'd seen him. We would see each other 2/3 times a year. No he's not.
OP posts:
TotorosCatBus · 14/07/2021 15:42

If you have to send a message then
"This is going to be my last message to you before I block and delete your contact. Goodbye"

An affair is like an addiction and you need to go teetotal. Every time you think of him you need to force yourself to stop- perhaps do the rubber band around the wrist thing and twang it every time your mind wanders.

You are massively kidding yourself if you think you're a people pleaser. If you were, you would have behaved in a way that didn't piss your husband off. You literally prioritised your own feelings over his.

TotorosCatBus · 14/07/2021 15:46

@amoringafornel

I have blocked and deleted. Didn't send a message. On WhatsApp the number is still there in my 'blocked' section, which I would much prefer it wasn't available to me. Yes we really haven't seen each other since 2019, in response to a PP questioning that. We communicated roughly 1-4 times a month. Just general chat. Nothing "wrong" if you were simply going off the content of the messages, but everything wrong based on who I'm speaking to, obviously. I won't be telling my husband. I understand why people would think I should, but i won't be.
Get a new phone number so you're not tempted to unblock and look at whether he's tried to contact you or not.
Original poster
amoringafornel · 14/07/2021 15:48

I did consider getting a new number but I think WhatsApp is linked to an account rather than a number? I might be wrong.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 14/07/2021 15:57

@amoringafornel

I did consider getting a new number but I think WhatsApp is linked to an account rather than a number? I might be wrong.
It's linked to your phone number OP.
Original poster
amoringafornel · 14/07/2021 16:00

Oh! I didn't realise that. Thanks for letting me know @CornishGem1975

OP posts:
markmichelle · 14/07/2021 16:00

This is a sort of compromise solution, for which I shall probably get flamed too.
Explain succinctly to OM that it is now over. That will give you a sense of finality and 'tidiness'. Wait for a reply do not respond except to repeat "it is over" then BLOCK. Perhaps even come off FB etc entirely.
After about 6 months of proving to yourself that you can be nice and loyal to DH reassure him that it did all stop.
He will probably have worked that out anyway.
I have never been in favour of dramatic confessions for anything.
Nothing is totally unforgiveable. Good Luck