Ending things with OM

[amoringafornel]

I fully expect to be flamed. Which I accept. My behaviour has been shit, selfish and unforgiveable.
I had an affair several years ago, and although DH and I worked through things and stayed together, I continued to see OM.
I haven't physically seen him since 2019 due to lock down but we have remained in contact via Facebook / messaging etc.

I want to end things and completely cut contact, and despite making this decision and knowing it should be as simple as just blocking and deleting, I am struggling to do it.
I have issues, clearly. I am a people pleaser and can't bear people not liking me or the thought I'll upset / offend anyone.
I have started counselling, as this need to please has landed me in dangerous situations many times.
I am not trying to justify my behaviour, I am a grown woman and know better.
I've just read on another thread where a woman has found out her DH has been cheating. A PP stated the OW is clearly broken, as no healthy minded person would treat another that way, let alone their own spouses, children etc.
This has really struck a nerve and I feel sick with myself.
I want to send a clear, concise message to OM explaining that it is over.
I know I sound pathetic, but please help me word it. Its something I really struggle with.

I think you should go no contact with OM. Then tell your husband exactly what has happened, tell him you're sorry (again), and see if there's room to work it out.

Ask yourself why you haven’t just blocked him and deleted any links. It’s very easy to do. Yet you haven’t. Why? Be honest.

Tell your DH. He deserves to know so he can make his own decision whether to stay with you or not. Absolutely sly and sneaky of you to carry it on after your DH has given you another chance. But I'll leave it there because I've got nothing nice to say.

End the relationship.
Don't tell your husband you continued it, it will hurt him more if you do that and not knowing will not hurt him.

Concentrate on your marriage now.

Don't tell your husband you continued it, it will hurt him more if you do that and not knowing will not hurt him.

Said no one on a thread started by a cheating man ever.

I can’t tell you what to write - I’ve only experienced this from the other side (being the one cheated on) but I know that in some ways you need to treat it like an addiction. Don’t spend hours deliberating over the message, pick one quickly and decisively or else you’ll keep messaging and kid yourself on that you are just waiting for the right message or the right time. You’ll also need to come off SM (at least for now) as otherwise the temptation to unblock him will be there. Everything needs to go - block then delete his number, all messages, change email etc. Otherwise your kidding yourself that you really want to end it.

@SafeMove

I was the poster who wrote about the people who conduct affairs being broken.

Having a lovely spouse whilst conducting an affair, secretly messaging, plotting, arranging futures and plans whilst living with someone you are attached enough to that you chose to marry, is broken OP.

I also said I will never understand how fucked up people can get, to do this to other women, to other children or their own children. There is a fundamental flaw within you, that you need to address. The lack of responsibility and care you feel for other people's feelings isn't normal. It isn't how humans, as a majority, work. Most people get it. I am not talking about your feelings of guilt, I am sure you feel guilt, but people who grow properly tend to realise that riding rough shod over other peoples emotions to fulfil their own needs and wishes is just, very simply, wrong and very unfulfilling. You won't ever get to like yourself until you stop behaving like this. It isn't hard to choose to do the right thing, you know deep down what is right. You just need to know how to do it and stick with it. Don't drag others along with you whilst you learn to be decent and behave with integrity and finally like yourself. It is not fair to put people through that shit, at their expense.

Up there with "the best things I've ever read on MN".

@QEIII

OP you will get a lot of one sided answers here.

Affairs are very common. Most men I know have cheated on their wives and still very much love their wives.

Women in general have different reasons for having affairs and those are usually associated with trauma, past experiences, wanting to leave but not knowing how. Inability to say no, to people please, comes from trauma and an attachment problem. It is all linked.

Don’t beat yourself up. Heal
Yourself.

Or women too can just be selfish, entitled arseholes.

This message is so much part of the problem. There is no excuse for cheating on your partner or spouse. No excuse for putting another person through pain, if you’re not happy in your relationship just leave, if you’re lit happy with yourself get into counselling and sort yourself out.

Affairs destroy people. They are emotionally, physically, sexually and mentally abusive to the betrayed spouse/partner. Children end up devastated in their wake. Families destroyed for nothing. They are rarely about love as an example of a previous poster demonstrates. They are MUCH darker and murkier than that.

OP my husband had an affair, he was you! He was an awful human being during his affair, utterly broken. He has worked tirelessly to be a safe partner for me and a wonderful father to his children. It is possible but it has taken a huge toll on us both and complete honesty from him.

@PixelatedLunchbox thank you!

Regarding the 'most people' cheat on their partner point...so most people would have an affair revealed, tell their spouse it is over, 'work' on their marriage but actually carry on shagging the AP and lying to their spouse over an extended period of years? No. Most people could not and would not deal with or dole out this level of deceit.

From the rudimentary search I have done, in the UK, they say about 1 in 5 adults in a committed relationship cheat. So 4 adults are able to protect their relationship/marriage, any children, other people and extended family, to the 1 person who is incapable of refraining from shitting all over another persons feelings. 1 in 5 is not 'most' people. It is a lot of people but no statistician in the world could say it is a higher proportion. Coming on a thread of an AP and justifying it, saying 'most people' do it, is either projection or making a random point about one word (most) in my post, whilst ignoring the rest of it. Either way, I wonder if you think you are helping the OP?

If you REALLY want to end the affair and properly work at your marriage then delete and block. No need to protect OMs feelings.
I don't think it helps to tell OP to tell her DH, I'm pretty sure she's not going to do that?

For what it's worth OP, I've known people who have been cheated on, and I've known people who have been treated badly in other, more subtle , nuanced ways long term - and I don't think one is worse than another.
We (as a society) deem cheating as the epitome of "wrong" when it comes to relationships, but it's not always so black and white.
You do need to cut off OM though. Immediately.

You need to build bridges with your husband and be honest with him, but be prepared because he may not want to still be with you after this revelation.

As for wording a no contact message. Don't try to dress it up to avoid hurting the OM's feelings. Just one final "Do not contact me ever again. Please respect my wishes."

Then block. Add in something about being sorry for hurting his feelings if you need to, but don't let it drown out the main message.

The OM might try to contact you again or get angry and upset but you absolutely have to stick with it.

"I've decided I do not want any contact at all any more. Please respect my wishes as this is a final decision I don't wish to discuss, so won't be engaging with any further contact at all."

And mean it.

I also think you should tell your husband so he can make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to continue the relationship.

I have blocked and deleted. Didn't send a message.
On WhatsApp the number is still there in my 'blocked' section, which I would much prefer it wasn't available to me.
Yes we really haven't seen each other since 2019, in response to a PP questioning that.
We communicated roughly 1-4 times a month. Just general chat. Nothing "wrong" if you were simply going off the content of the messages, but everything wrong based on who I'm speaking to, obviously.
I won't be telling my husband. I understand why people would think I should, but i won't be.

@amoringafornel

I have blocked and deleted. Didn't send a message. On WhatsApp the number is still there in my 'blocked' section, which I would much prefer it wasn't available to me. Yes we really haven't seen each other since 2019, in response to a PP questioning that. We communicated roughly 1-4 times a month. Just general chat. Nothing "wrong" if you were simply going off the content of the messages, but everything wrong based on who I'm speaking to, obviously. I won't be telling my husband. I understand why people would think I should, but i won't be.

I think it's a mistake to not tell your husband and I think you'll come to realise that many years down the line. It will eat away at you. It might only feel a little bit easier to deal with when he eventually cheats on you.

urrgh this really is a sad situation, your DH gave you another chance and it seems you've thrown it back in his face. To give someone another chance after they have betrayed you is a VERY difficult thing to do and overcome and I'll tell you its certainly the hardest road to take than just ending the relationship. See from my point of view as a man its not so much about the sex, what really hurts the most is all those sharing conversations about each others lives and the planning of a new life together etc. Its not a great feeling known your second best.

You owe the OM nothing, I know he might be upset its over but that is the chance you take when you get involved with a married woman. So say your Goodbyes, make it crystal clear its over without leaving the door open and block and remove his contact details and any ties you have to him (presents he has given you for example). I would recommend you tell your DH because this will rot away at you, and you will always worry that he could find out, its time to be completely honest.

I'm afraid you lost any sympathy i had when you got to the bit where you are still going to treat your husband with utter contempt and disrespect. He deserves better for what he's put up with. Do him a favour and leave him.

According to Sage research, 70% of men and 68% of women in a committed relationship admitted to cheating in some way. So that is most people.

Your poor DH consenting to a relationship based on the understanding contact would be cut, not knowing his consent has been removed by you continuing to have been in touch with OM. You took away his chance to make an informed decision even after he gave you a second chance, which most people wouldn't have. You need to have some individual therapy to absolutely interrogate your thinking around relationships.

@Allthestrawberries

According to Sage research, 70% of men and 68% of women in a committed relationship admitted to cheating in some way. So that is most people.

Most people who cheat dont, IMO, do so for a prolonged period that is a proper 'affair' involving long term lying, gaslighting etc.

OP, remember that many of the people answering these threads have been cheated on themselves, so they tend to have a somewhat black and white view of things (and their own hurt). I’m not condoning what you’ve done, but we all make mistakes.

I don’t think it’s helpful or kind to call you ‘broken’ - you’re not broken, you just made some bad decisions. I bet some of the people on here have also done that. You’ve done the right thing now, both in cutting contact and in not telling your DH, as I think that will unnecessarily open up old wounds.

I hope you can move on and have a happy marriage, but I would say that if you are ever tempted to contact the OM again, you should probably think about leaving x

Continuing contact throughout lockdown is not a 'mistake' @BoPeeple

I am a people pleaser and can't bear people not liking me or the thought I'll upset / offend anyone

Such a shame this didn't include your husband - and now you compound the selfishness by deciding not to tell him what he clearly deserves to know, in order to make his own decision

And please come off it about "preferring the OM's not to be available to you", when after so long you'll know it by heart

There is a fundamental flaw within you @SafeMove and that is that you come across as a bit sanctimonoius!

And please come off it about "preferring the OM's not to be available to you", when after so long you'll know it by heart

Why would I know it by heart? I've never once dialled his number in, other than the first time it went into my phone.

I think you’ve taken a big step OP and obviously absolutely done the right thing. I don’t think you should tell your husband. Now you need to focus 100% on sticking to your decision and working on your marriage. I’m not going to make you feel any worse than you already do - that is so unhelpful. See this as a new beginning and an opportunity for you to live the authentic life you want to live. All the best.