Ending things with OM

[amoringafornel]

I fully expect to be flamed. Which I accept. My behaviour has been shit, selfish and unforgiveable.
I had an affair several years ago, and although DH and I worked through things and stayed together, I continued to see OM.
I haven't physically seen him since 2019 due to lock down but we have remained in contact via Facebook / messaging etc.

I want to end things and completely cut contact, and despite making this decision and knowing it should be as simple as just blocking and deleting, I am struggling to do it.
I have issues, clearly. I am a people pleaser and can't bear people not liking me or the thought I'll upset / offend anyone.
I have started counselling, as this need to please has landed me in dangerous situations many times.
I am not trying to justify my behaviour, I am a grown woman and know better.
I've just read on another thread where a woman has found out her DH has been cheating. A PP stated the OW is clearly broken, as no healthy minded person would treat another that way, let alone their own spouses, children etc.
This has really struck a nerve and I feel sick with myself.
I want to send a clear, concise message to OM explaining that it is over.
I know I sound pathetic, but please help me word it. Its something I really struggle with.

@amoringafornel

Whilst I understand that on paper, the "right" thing to do would be to tell him, at this moment in time the fallout would be too catastrophic and would involve too many people. Yes, of course I should have considered that before. But unfortunately that moment has passed, and I am now here. I am not looking for sympathy or expecting understanding. I AM happy that I'm taking steps in the "right" direction, however small and insignificant they may seem to some of you. Thank you for the replies.

The cheating was the catastrophic event. Not the telling him.

I don't think you are a terrible person. I think you did a terrible thing, most people aren't just good or bad.

But one thing cheaters, generally have in common is the line 'I can't come clean that will hurt them too much and cause too many issues'

It's a cop out. Someone in a marriage deserves to have all the information. Not live a life with their spouse that's a lie

I would say please don’t tell your husband. Tell om it’s over, block and delete him.
Work on yourself through counselling, and vow not to get yourself in such a state again.

Only you know your reasons for this behaviour and you need to work out what’s wrong in your core to fix it. Your not a bad person op.
If you haven’t saw him since 2019 it’s a road to nowhere anyway. There’s no happy ever after with him. Let him go and focus your energy into yourself and your marriage.

Whilst I understand that on paper, the "right" thing to do would be to tell him, at this moment in time the fallout would be too catastrophic and would involve too many people.

Your husband deserves to be able to make the decision about whether or not he wishes to remain married to you.

Should you ever really be with someone you've repeatedly cheated on? Can you really have a genuine relationship with someone that you deceive?
Something to ponder is that - it's psychologically almost impossible to fully trust someone who you know shouldn't trust you. When you are deceiving someone - you will consider them an adversary and so be unable to trust them with things you value. And it's no basis for a fulfilling relationship.
Conversely - Honest confession saves around half of marriages where there has been infidelity - and breaks the other half.

I agrre with @seadad

7 years of deception, that's a long time, enough time for a relationship to go through many stages, flirtation, adoration, obsession and moving on to calmer emotions that usually go with marriage.

You are essentially married to two men.

To lie and cheat for so many years takes a certain type of person who can be unnaware of how others feel, your feelings I should imagine will always be centered towards yourself. I can't see this sudden epiphany lasting as you clearly have a lack of concience.

I do feel sympathy for your husband, either way he is in for pain, he can't win.
You have willfully caused another person harm and I really think your skewed view of being a people pleaser is rediculous and laughable.

If I were your husband and knew the full facts, I would want you as far away as humanly possible from me.
You are his enemy and have been stabbing him in the back for years, making him a laughing stock and taking him for a mug.

No I don't think you are broken but I think you you are breaking your husband.
The damage is done.

I would say please don’t tell your husband

Now imagine you’re the husband. Don’t you deserve the opportunity to decide whether or not you want to be with a person who has basically demonstrated that what you meant together is worthless?

It is up to him whether or not he forgives and moves forwards. The OP has no choice in that. None at all.