How do I accept this?

[MidnightSilence]

How do I accept that I'm not attractive?

I don't mean physically. Physically, I think I'm OK.

Just generally.

I'm angry with myself for it.

I've put it in relationships because it affects my relationships. Or it would if I had them.

Being angry with yourself is quite unattractive. Can you learn to be kind yourself? That might help.

It's a quiet anger. Not a rage. Maybe frustration would be more accurate. It's more that turn my frustration in on myself.

I practise self care but maybe not enough.

Would it help to rephrase it in your mind?

“Not everyone is attracted to me or finds me an attractive partner.”

And that’s fine. That’s normal.

Also agree with OomphRidden. What’s attractive is confidence, being good company and enjoyable to spend time with. Being self-critical and angry, not so much.

When you look at others and think they have something you don’t, how could you try to emulate that? What could you do to build up the best aspects of your character and personality so that you felt others would find them attractive?

What makes you believe that?

After a string of failed short relationships I began to think like you. But then I realised I'm just not 'attractive' to controlling men. Because I have a brain and a mouth and I use them both to speak my mind. I've made peace with the fact that no relationship is better than one that isn't right, and the right one is worth waiting for.

What do you think is so unattractive about you?

What makes you believe that?
Are you unhappy, depressed, anxious ?

What do you mean unattractive?

It's hard to explain.

I used to be quite confident. I've never thought I was anything amazing but I always believed I had enough attractive qualities - physically and personality wise that, on balance, I was enough.

Over the years that's been proven wrong time and time again.

I've never had a long term relationship, no one has ever loved me or fallen in love with me, no one has ever turned down an opportunity with someone else because I was enough or important to them.

I'm not a jealous person. But it's hard.

I've been sort of seeing someone for a few months. Were exclusive but it's casual. We went around to see some of his friends at the weekend. I don't feel comfortable.around this couple. It's obvious he fancies his friend's partner. He always has a severe case of mentionitis and tells me how wonderful she is when he's visited - how she made such effort with dinner, what a welcoming host she always is, how divine her cakes are etc... I can't disagree with him. She's always been very welcoming to me to. But that's not what he finds attractive about her. That's what makes him feel special. What he finds attractive is that she is beautiful. Tall, slim, long blonde hair, tanned skin, slender limbs. She glides effortlessly. Nothing I do is quite as captivating as whan she does it because its not delivered in the same package. I'm short and pale. I'm not fat but I'm not slim either. The best I can manage is 'cute'. She curls up on a chair and she looks like a gazelle. I do it and it looks like someone has dropped a bag of shopping!

Like I say, I'm not jealous. It's nothing against her. But my experience is the same time and again. That I'm good enough while there isn't someone better around.

I've been single for most of my adult life because I don't put up with the nonsense and dump them pretty quickly. My relationships (if you can call them that) are short lived and few and far in between.

But this time round, I'm feeling resigned and defeated. What's the point in ending it when the same is only going to happen again? There isn't better for me around the corner. I'm not going to meet someone who will fall in love with me for who I am.

My choice is company and companionship but accepting that I'm not special and not loved or always being single and the loneliness that goes with it.

I only see him once a week. I have other stuff going on but sometimes it's nice to just mot be on my own.

I just need to accept that I'm not attractive and it's never going to he Amy different
I need to get rid of the hope that one day it might be different but I can't.

Wow I thought I was pretty awful to myself but you’re being cruel to yourself on another level.

If that is how this guy is behaving, then that’s his problem, not yours. You are right to get rid. If other people you’ve dated did the same, again, you are right to get rid.

But it seems to be a pattern - you’re attracting and being attracted to the men that don’t treat you the way you deserve. Why is that?

You have written out a really unfair comparison between yourself and this other woman. But she’s only a person, she’s not perfect. Not all men are attracted to that look anyway.

Maybe you need to think about the type of men you are getting with and some time to start to like yourself a bit more. If you don’t like yourself, it can be pretty hard for other people to. Please stop talking about yourself like this and stop comparing. I’m sure you have plenty of amazing attributes, and you deserve to be loved and appreciated.

I don't know that they're going to be like that when I meet them though. There's not really any commonality between them. I find different things attractive in different men. So it's not a pattern of me dating the same sort of men over and over again.

Not only that but this is something that has always happened at every age and what I find attractive in man has changed throughout the years. It really is me.

I like myself. I think I have a lot of positive qualities and I don't think I'm physically unattractive but the men I date don't seem to agree.

It's got to the point now where I feel I've become quite cynical about it. I don't expect to be found attractive anymore. I'm not sure I'd trust someone who said I was. Because some of them do say it in one way or another but its still not enough. I'm not attractive enough for them not to be looking elsewhere or easily distracted by someone else or for me to be unfavourably compared to someone else. I'm not 'enough'.

I don't understand why they bother with me if there're only going to be looking elsewhere.

Part of the problem is that they like my personality (I'm not perfect but I do have some good qualities) but the package I come in isn't enough for them.

I read a thread on here once where women of all different appearances shared what their partner's found attractive about them, including physically. I've no doubt that different men find different physically attributes attractive but I've never met any anyone who found me attractive enough. Who wasn't interested in other women because I was enough.

I've been wfh today and this has been really playing on my mind. It's like a heavy weight on my chest.

All I need is a way to accept it.

I don't understand why they bother with me if there're only going to be looking elsewhere

This is none of your business. You will never understand it because you would never do it to somebody. It is unacceptable to you, and therefore will never make sense to you.

But the thing is, you are choosing to stay with him, even though he is very clearly demonstrating to you that he isn't going to be the man you want him to be, or be attracted to you in a way that would make you happy. In short, you are wasting your time.

You've got a downer on yourself. So, you will attract people who are attracted to people who have a downer on themselves. I don't know about you, but if somebody said to me 'I prefer to have a relationship with someone who has low self-confidence', I'd give them a very wide berth.

How would your ideal partner finish the sentence 'I'm attracted to people who...'?

It's never been any different though. Even when I was younger, even before I'd realised or thought about it.

I've never dated anyone who was truly attracted to me.

No, this man isn't ever going to be really attracted to me but we get on well, it's company and is, at 12 months, the closest thing I've ever had to a real relationship.

How would your ideal partner finish the sentence 'I'm attracted to people who...'?

I've no idea.

Let me rephrase that.

Would your ideal partner have this attitude:

'I prefer to have a relationship with someone who has low self-confidence'?

I didn't used to have low self confidence though. This also been a recent thing. I was about 43 when I started to think hang on, this keeps on happening.

Prior to that, I rolled my eyes, dumped them and confidently moved on alone. I knew it was them, I didn't ever assume it was me but I can't ignore the pattern that's emerging.

I have low self confidence because this has kept on happening. It hasn't kept on happening because I have low self confidence.

It's never been any different.

It doesn't matter what you used to have.

What matters now is that you currently have low self confidence.

Staying with a partner who doesn't support your confidence and asking 'How can I accept that I'm not attractive'... well, there's an obvious answer there. And perhaps a pattern, but not the one you're choosing to see.

Good luck.

I don't really 7nderstand what is happening to feel this way ?

I've always assumed that my partner is attracted to me. I've never asked, just assumed. If they didn't find me attractive then they wouldn't be with me, no?

I've always thought it was normal to find other people attractive (and my partner to find others attractive). Normal right ?

Sorry, I'm probably really missing your point.

I know it doesn't matter what I used to have but it would be easy to resolve if there had been a recent change and I could get back to where or what I was. But there's nothing to go or get back to.

I know this man isn't right for me long term but it's also hard to turn my back on something that is often good right now when I know there's nothing better waiting for me in the future.

But thank you.

@TheNameTheWebsiteForgot

I don't really 7nderstand what is happening to feel this way ?

I've always assumed that my partner is attracted to me. I've never asked, just assumed. If they didn't find me attractive then they wouldn't be with me, no?

I've always thought it was normal to find other people attractive (and my partner to find others attractive). Normal right ?

Sorry, I'm probably really missing your point.

Yes, of course its normal to find other people attractive and it should be normal for someone to find their girlfriend attractive but they don't. Or don't enough.

I've never been enough for someone. They've always still been on the lookout elsewhere.

I've never been anyone's priority. Before this man, I dated someone who asked for us to be boyfriend and girlfriend and exclusive and then backtracked and said he wanted us to just be casual so he was free to meet someone who was more suited to him. He meant younger and prettier. I obviously said no and dumped him.

I've never had a relationship. I've never been enough to get past the 'dating' or 'seeing someone' stage.

The man I'm seeing now is only someone I'm seeing. He doesn't see a future with me. He likes me, he cares about me, he enjoys my company, he supports me and appreciates the support I offer to him. We are each other's +1s, I spent Sunday evening watching the football with him and some of his friends, we go on dates, we have fun etc etc etc but he doesn't love me and, when he imagines or talks about his future, I'm not in it. He doesn't like me enough and he isn't attracted to me enough. If at all.

The problem isn’t that your partners find other women attractive. I’m quite sure DH finds other women attractive too, but I’m not worried he’ll leave me for them.

Your DPs are walking around with their tongues hanging out. It’s disrespectful. You need a DP who has some respect for you, and it sounds like you have had people who are using you to fill a gap until a “proper” girlfriend comes on the scene.

he doesn't love me and, when he imagines or talks about his future, I'm not in it. He doesn't like me enough and he isn't attracted to me enough. If at all

You need to ditch him and move onto somebody who does then. It’s reasonable to give somebody a month or two to see if they grow on you and vice versa, but by a year if he doesn’t love you he never will.

it sounds like you have had people who are using you to fill a gap until a “proper” girlfriend comes on the scene.

Yes, but it's never been any different. From the ones who were openly looking for better to the ones who were embarrassed to be seen with me. It's never been any different.

You need to ditch him and move onto somebody who does then

That's the point though. There isn't a 'somebody who does'. There never has been. People are ot sound so easy when they say find someone else, find someone who loves you, find someone...

I had my first boyfriend 29 years ago and, in that 29 years, there has never been anyone who did.

I've never even been in a relationship long enough to have my heartbroken. I just end up thinking 'fuck that' and dumping them. I'm tired of it now.

Before this man, the longest I'd been with anyone was 6 months. I have no expectation of it ever happening now. But it hurts and its a hard thing to accept.

How do you fare with the single life, OP? Do you enjoy it? If so, do it. If not, why not?

And yes, that's exactly it, I'm good enough until a proper girlfriend comes on the scene. I need to find a way of at least enjoying the good bits of it and not wishing it were different.

Ah okay OP now I understand better.

If you want a full blown relationship then you need to stop having 'relationships' with men who only want something casual. You are wasting your time with them and missing out on the opportunity to met someone who would want more.

It really isn't you. A lot of men these days only want casual relationships. I've been there and had the same conversations with men. They are allowed to want that and we are allowed to move on from that.

You said you used to just move on from men like this. Why aren't you moving on from them now. What's changed ?