How do I accept this?

[MidnightSilence]

How do I accept that I'm not attractive?

I don't mean physically. Physically, I think I'm OK.

Just generally.

I'm angry with myself for it.

I've put it in relationships because it affects my relationships. Or it would if I had them.

@TheFoundations

How do you fare with the single life, OP? Do you enjoy it? If so, do it. If not, why not?

I do enjoy being single. I like my own company and I have work, friends and hobbies. But I'm also lonely and every so often I meet someone, get to know them and they ask me out and I think, yeah, why not? Maybe this time it'll be different. But it never is.

But I've spent pretty much my entire adult life single with these occasional attempts. It would be nice to experience it just once. Nice to know what it looks or feels like when someone loves you. It would be nice to feel attractive to someone.

@TheNameTheWebsiteForgot

Ah okay OP now I understand better.

If you want a full blown relationship then you need to stop having 'relationships' with men who only want something casual. You are wasting your time with them and missing out on the opportunity to met someone who would want more.

It really isn't you. A lot of men these days only want casual relationships. I've been there and had the same conversations with men. They are allowed to want that and we are allowed to move on from that.

You said you used to just move on from men like this. Why aren't you moving on from them now. What's changed ?

But for me it's not 'these days'. It's been nearly 30 years of dating. Before the Internet, before online dating, before social media, before all of it.

From my first boyfriend at school whose older brother told I'd never be good enough for his brother (based on looks/appearance not the way I behaved or conducted myself) to this man now. From the one who was embarrassed to be seen withe in public to the ones who were open about looking elsewhere and every one in between.

You said you used to just move on from men like this. Why aren't you moving on from them now. What's changed ?

A few things really. Realising that I was expecting touch, realising that what I wanted wasn't going to happen.

Becoming desensitised to the whole thing I think. Thinking that maybe it is unrealistic to expect someone to find me attractive, fall in love etc especially at my age and just rsifnijg myself to it.

I don't miss a proper relationship because I've never had one. I've got nothing positive to compare any of it too. This man clearly isn't into me particularly but he actually treats me really nicely 98% of the time. And no one is perfect.

Touch - too much

rsifnijg = resiging

The way you wrote about your partner always mentioning your blonde friend amd how seemingly perfect she is made me feel oddly insecure and I don't even know her! I don't think I could put up with that.

Most of the people I see around are average looking (like me - mousy hair, plain features, I could go on...) with normal, flawed personalities. Very few people are these stunningly magnetic, attractive-to-all types. In fact I am wondering if I have ever met one!

I have known people who were smart, pretty, kind, funny, sweet, but just never met the right person. I think this might be you.

She's his friend's partner not my friend. He doesn't talk about her all the time but whenever he sees them, it's always 'it was really good to see Him again. I haven't seen him in a couple of months oh and She made such a delicious dinner, she always goes out of her way to make the most amazing food, her cakes are divine...' he's never commented on her physically other than to say that all the women from her country (she's not English) are stunningly beautiful. Its more the way he is around her - he laughs at all her jokes, he hangs on her every word, he is smiley and bright eyed around her. She, tbf, doesn't reciprocate in any kind at all. The attraction is clearly all one sided. And he talks about her a lot whenever he has seen them. Even just pointless comments that she's said, I hear about all of them.

It's just a bit embarrassing because it must be just as obvious to them.

If I'm honest, she isn't stunningly beautiful but she is very pretty. I think it's the tall, blonde, slim, tanned, not English that he sees above all else. Her face on my body probably wouldn't be any more special than I am. But she is a very attractive person overall - warm, welcoming, friendly...

I can't even say anything about it because the obvious answer is that of course she is more attractive than me so of course he would respond to her differently to he would to me. Either that or he'd just deny it.

But it's not even just that. That's just one example.

I have known people who were smart, pretty, kind, funny, sweet, but just never met the right person. I think this might be you.

But never? In 30 years? Not once?

I think he probably thinks that if his friend can attract someone like her, it must only be a matter of time before he does too.

Op I'm sure you're a lovely person however I feel the exact same. I'm only good enough to attract men who want sex, if that. The problem is the anger and frustration I feel about the situation, I wish I could just accept it. The frustration eats me up.

So you believe you're not attractive, therefore you're not worth loving.
Maybe you project this belief onto your relationships so you're constantly looking for evidence to reinforce the belief that you're inferior and unlovable.
You also have the belief that you need to be loved by someone else to be fulfilled.
Perhaps you need some therapy to try and change some of these beliefs.

That sounds really tough

I think what I find hard is that I was told by one man I dated fora few months that he thought I was really easy to love. Except that he didn't.

The men I date like me and can tell me my good qualities and things they like about me but I'm not physically attractive enough to them and they don't fall in love with me.

I walked away from a male 'friend' once because we were having a conversation about attraction etc and he told that men never fall in love with women like me and never really find women like me attractive. They just accept that they can't get beautiful women amd make do.

@WeatherToday

So you believe you're not attractive, therefore you're not worth loving. Maybe you project this belief onto your relationships so you're constantly looking for evidence to reinforce the belief that you're inferior and unlovable. You also have the belief that you need to be loved by someone else to be fulfilled. Perhaps you need some therapy to try and change some of these beliefs.

I don't believe I need to be loved by someone else to be fulfilled, I don't think, but you're right about the rest of it, I think. But then I don't need to look very hard for the evidence. And haven't always felt like this. In my twenties and thirties, I just assumed I hadn't met the right person yet, I didn't put up with any shit because the right man might be just around the corner and whilst the wrong man was blocking the doorway, they were stopping the right one from getting in and all that. I felt attractive in myself and confident but here I am in my mid/late 40s and thinking 'hang on, this is it now and it's never happened.

I just think some people take it for granted that it happens. That you'll meet someone who finds you attractive or will love you for you and that's just not been my experience. I know it's the experience for a lot of women though.

Why are you staying with someone who makes you feel so unpleasant? There's an answer for your quandry to be found in that, I think.

Your male friend is wrong!

I'm not beautiful and my partner loves me. Most happy couples I know, neither of them are 'gorgeous' just average looking.

In fact I am thinking of a very beautiful friend I had a few years ago who was dumped by her less attractive partner. If looks were all that matter that would never have happened.

My mum once warned me that beautiful people don't have it as easy as we may think since they don't know if people are just after them as arm candy. I think there might be truth in what she said.

I was never the most sought after for dates but it only takes one person to 'get' you and I'm lucky enough to have found that person. I honestly think you have just had bad luck so far.

It's sounds like you've been around quite a few shitty people to tell you things like that.

Do you feel that maybe subconsciously it's become self fulfilled prophecy because of what that one crap boy told you back in school?

Do you hint or make disparaging remarks about yourself?

There are many people out there who aren't attractive at all and they have partners so to say guys are waiting around for the super model to knock on their door doesnt match with reality.

I don't know if you've had therapy or not but it might be helpful in releasing what these crap men have done and learning to value yourself more.

@TheFoundations

Why are you staying with someone who makes you feel so unpleasant? There's an answer for your quandry to be found in that, I think.

Because we actually get on well and have a nice time together. I know it's not got any legs to it but the company is nice.

@YeokensYegg

It's sounds like you've been around quite a few shitty people to tell you things like that.

Do you feel that maybe subconsciously it's become self fulfilled prophecy because of what that one crap boy told you back in school?

Do you hint or make disparaging remarks about yourself?

There are many people out there who aren't attractive at all and they have partners so to say guys are waiting around for the super model to knock on their door doesnt match with reality.

I don't know if you've had therapy or not but it might be helpful in releasing what these crap men have done and learning to value yourself more.

I never make negative comments or disparaging remarks about myself. Never make self deprecating comments. Never.

It wasn't a male friend at school, it was one about 3 years ago.

I don't know if it's become a self fulfilling prophecy. Logically, I know it doesn't make sense that only beautiful women are loved but the messages I consistently get are real I'm not attractive (enough) and I'm not.lived or loveable..

It's hard because recently I started to feel that I was becoming accepting of it in the sense that had stopped expecting anything more. I think my expectations are currently very low but I know that if I raise my expectations it'll just mean I'm always on my own without even the company.

OP I've just read all your posts and it sounds to me like you are blocking yourself a bit, focusing on THEM being attracted to YOU, them loving you. Are YOU genuinely attracted to THEM? Have you ever loved a man? In my experience, there is nothing more attractive to a man than seeing himself in the adoring eyes of a woman.

This is no criticism of you at all, but I do wonder whether some therapy might help here? You sound lovely

Well I've obviously been attracted to them or I wouldnt have gone out with them in the first place.

Whether I've ever been in love? Probably not. I thought i was once but I don't think so. But I've never been with anyone long enough to fall in love with them or long enough before their behaviour caused me to end it.

There have been a couple I could have fallen in love with. I wouldn't fall in love with someone if it wasn't 'safe' to do so.

Yes, you've been attracted to them enough to start something, but not enough to keep it going. And the other person knows when you are holding back, for sure, and behave accordingly.

I don't know. People on MN often talk about someone being 'avoidant'; I'm not sure what that means but your comment about (deliberately) falling or not falling in love with people makes me wonder whether you are repeatedly avoiding having feelings for fear of being hurt like you were back when you were very young. It really may be worth talking it through with someone.

I think there's something going on with you here that perhaps you havn't identified. I certainly think it would be worth investigating attachment theory, it was sonething I found very eye opening. Your childhood experiences might give you a clue to patterns you may be falling into now. It sounds like you're determined to push men away before you are 'proved right' and hurt. You feel in control because you get in there first. That's not to say you havnt dated your fair share of dickheads of course but you do seem particularly alert to mens apparent dismissal of you because you are, in your eyes, not enough. (And ignore the ones who have made the odd ignorant comment, they are clearly clueless). The guy you're with now, you say you have fun etc but it sounds like you are so sure he's not in it for the long term that you've written him off already.. I'm sure he has picked up on that, so why should he write you onto his future plans, it might play into his own insecurities and he doesn't want to get hurt either.
I can also assure you that men across the board fall in love with women who are less than perfect visually. My partner is very vocal in his love for me and I'm overweight and middle aged, not the catch I once was!
If you can, allow yourself to be honest and vulnerable with your partner , and if you need to, seek some therapy, it might help.

@MidnightSilence

How do I accept that I'm not attractive?

I don't mean physically. Physically, I think I'm OK.

Just generally.

I'm angry with myself for it.

I've put it in relationships because it affects my relationships. Or it would if I had them.

I never make negative comments or disparaging remarks about myself. Never make self deprecating comments. Never

In your OP you judge yourself as not being 'generally' attractive, and state that you are angry with yourself. Whether you make remarks about it or not, it will be affecting the way you relate to partners, and the way they relate to you. Your current bloke is the perfect example. You think the relationship has no legs, but you stay because you think you're unattractive to others. Your bloke thinks it's ok to openly be drooling over somebody else, and clearly it is, otherwise you would have left him.

Your belief that you are unattractive is perpetuating your problem. Keeping him on as a sort of 'hobby' takes up your time when you could be meeting other people. If you're sick of meeting people and them turning out to be crap, stop. Enjoy being single.

You can choose to see it as 'I've never met the right person so I never will', or you can choose to see it as 'I've had bad luck for so long, so I'm really likely to meet my match soon'

Also, don't forget that many people met Mr Perfect when they were 25, married him, had 3 kids and then realised he was horrible. Lots of people being in relationships doesn't mean lots of people are happy. Look at the relationship board. There's no shortage of people who didn't have the boundaries you've had, and who are now suffering as a result.

Being attractive to yourself is most important, and you sound a bit fed up with yourself; like there's something faulty that you're pissed off you can't locate.

Just seen your comment about never having been in love because you've never been in a relationship long enough. Also that you wouldn't fall in love with someone if it wasn't 'safe" to do so. I feel these 2 statements are incredibly telling about you either choosing men who are emotionally unavailable, or being so yourself. What do you consider a' safe' man? I suspect that they would have to deliver the earth and then some before you would even allow yourself to have strong feelings for them. You seem so determined to protect yourself from hurt that one way or another you make it impossible for anyone to get close. I really feel for you OP, you sound like you want to let go but you can't. Sending a hug and hoping you can find peace and acceptance of yourself one way or another

Are you sure you're not projecting OP? That you feel he should like this friend more than you, so everything he does you see as pointing that way? If you really don't think that is the case then why don't you just tell him. 'X is lovely but you don't need to tell me every little thing she does and how wonderful it is thanks.' How do you know he doesn't see you in his future? I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone that didn't see me in their future unless I was actively wanting a FWB situation. You sound like you've become very guarded and maybe that you're just waiting for someone to not want you - are you sure you don't set them up to fail?

@TheFoundations

Why are you staying with someone who makes you feel so unpleasant? There's an answer for your quandry to be found in that, I think.

Probably a couple of reasons.

I'm used to it 🤷🏻‍♀️
We get on well and so most of the time it's really nice.
I'd be giving up something that isn't perfect for nothing at all.

We're not in a relationship, we're just seeing each other. No labels or anything. It's exclusive but I don't know if he's open to meeting someone else or not. I know he's not actively looking and doesn't do online dating so would have to be someone he met in real life. But that can happen anytime anyway.

@OomphRidden

Yes, you've been attracted to them enough to start something, but not enough to keep it going. And the other person knows when you are holding back, for sure, and behave accordingly.

I don't know. People on MN often talk about someone being 'avoidant'; I'm not sure what that means but your comment about (deliberately) falling or not falling in love with people makes me wonder whether you are repeatedly avoiding having feelings for fear of being hurt like you were back when you were very young. It really may be worth talking it through with someone.

But I'm very selective about who I date. I liked all of them enough to keep it going to begin with but when it becomes obvious they're not sufficiently interested/attracted which leads to either negative comments or disrespectful behaviour, I dump them.

I do avoid developing feelings. It's been a long time since I felt like I might have fallen in love with someone.

Being attractive to yourself is most important, and you sound a bit fed up with yourself; like there's something faulty that you're pissed off you can't locate.

That's probably very perceptive. That is exactly how I feel- that thee is something faulty that I can't locate and, therefore, I can't put it right.

You sound like you've become very guarded and maybe that you're just waiting for someone to not want you - are you sure you don't set them up to fail?

That's probably also got some truth to it. I am very guarded. But I wasn't always and it was no different then. I only became this way because of repeated experiences.

I used to believe it would happen. After all, people can't help who they fall in love with , or so I'm told, but time after time when it just didn't happen, I started to shut down to it.

Nowadays, I'm not even fussed about love or long term, I don't think. If it happens, we'll then, it happens. It would just be nice to feel like someone found me attractive enough to not be constantly looking elsewhere.