How do I accept this?

[MidnightSilence]

How do I accept that I'm not attractive?

I don't mean physically. Physically, I think I'm OK.

Just generally.

I'm angry with myself for it.

I've put it in relationships because it affects my relationships. Or it would if I had them.

I think this is all in your head. It sounds like you've tied yourself up in knots. Pick something nice you want to wear for Saturday night, today, make a decision and don't change your mind on it. Don't let your mind say it's not good enough or attractive enough (I'm sure it's absolutely fine). And put some make up on if you want to - watch a YouTube vid to find something that works for. Bet you'll look great! But don't let the voice in your head tell you otherwise. Try and just enjoy yourself without worrying about all this stuff. Your partner sounds really nice and he's choosing to be with you not anyone else. Forget about other people's partners and how they look.

OP, well done - you are beginning to look at your inner motivations and anxieties here, rather than projecting them onto your current and previous partners.
Do you see a pattern? A fear of “not being good enough”, of being rejected or humiliated, so you avoid putting yourself at risk of that?
I suspect this may go right back to your childhood. Your father never made you feel loved, wanted and secure - you weren’t “good enough” as you saw it with your child’s understanding, for him to stay around and parent you properly.
Children always think it must be their “fault” - if I was prettier, cleverer, more lovable, my dad would care about me.

I believe you have deeply internalised this as a “core belief” (google them) and it is affecting you still in every area of your life but particularly in romantic relationships.
Seriously, please have some counselling. You can be helped to challenge your core beliefs and rewrite them to more realistic and positive ones. You have everything to gain from that and nothing to lose.

I do have one dress i think would be suitable. I also think choosing something now and sticking with it would be a good idea. Thanks

It sounds like you suffer from Social Anxiety, not wanting to be the centre of attention, worrying about what others think about you.
If you do decide to go for therapy, which I think you should, then try and find a psychotherapist rather than someone who practices CBT which in my opinion is only suitable for superficial issues rather than changing lifelong core belief systems.

I'd rather go unnoticed

Sounds like you're feeling really insecure, which is horrible. Awful feeling. But you'd rather go unnoticed in this micro sort of way, and your complaint is that you're being unnnoticed in a macro sort of way. Can you see the link?

I think you need to find your people, and your man will be amongst them. I've had similar issues in the past, re feeling good in myself, but then insecure of the views of others. My solution was going to a meditation group. Buddhists don't judge! It was a place I could feel safe, and I've met lovely people there. You might not want to join a buddhist meditation group, but I'm sure you get my point: the trick isn't to 'get over' your insecurity, it's to find people to be around that you don't feel insecure with. Otherwise the negative stuff within you (that we all have) will get routinely triggered, and you'll have the unpleasant undertow to your life that you currently have.

@WeatherToday

It sounds like you suffer from Social Anxiety, not wanting to be the centre of attention, worrying about what others think about you. If you do decide to go for therapy, which I think you should, then try and find a psychotherapist rather than someone who practices CBT which in my opinion is only suitable for superficial issues rather than changing lifelong core belief systems.

Thank you. Inthinknyou might be right about the social anxiety.

I've never had cut precisely because I was told it wouldn't be suitable. I was referred for a dynamic therapy which sounded quite good but my hours at work changed and they weren't able to accommodate. It was a shame because that seemed quite good.

Sounds like you're feeling really insecure, which is horrible. Awful feeling. But you'd rather go unnoticed in this micro sort of way, and your complaint is that you're being unnnoticed in a macro sort of way. Can you see the link?

Yes, definitely. It's really hard articulating it though so thank you. That's one of the conflicts i was having trouble reconciling.

why would he waste his time if he didn't really like you? Men can't be bothered with that crap.

Ordinarily I'd agree but it's happened before. Sometimes 'someone' is better than 'no one' nad, if they've been single for some.time, it creates a bit or normality in their lives.

Besides, with lockdown, I think a lot of.peiple have put up.with situations they wouldn't normally tolerate because the opportunity to find 'better' has been stymied to some extent.

I suppose I also have that in the back of mind that, now restrictions are lifting, there will be more opportunities to meet someone more suited.

Then again, he seems to be making more of an effort with me now that's happening rather than less.

PPs are right though. It has got into a bit of a mess in my head. I can see when I'm typing things out that I'm contradicting myself at times and in places but everything makes sense to me in isolation.

Sounds like the thread has helped, OP. Glad it's clarified a few things for you. It can be really hard when you're 'in it', to work out what 'it' is!

Something that helps me is to write, like a diary, when something is bothering me. I can have a rant, express all my pissed-off-ness, swear and use BIG LETTERS, but then, once I've done that, I can either make some sense, spot contradictions (like you've done), write more in a calm way that helps me clarify, or, sometimes just feel better to have got it out.

Not sure if it will be helpful to you, but, just a thought.

TheFoundations

Thanks. It has helped to see that some of my thoughts are contradictory but it doesn't really help how I see myself or how anyone else sees me either!

I do do the writing thing but the notes section on my phone is also filled with stuff like that!

I sometimes think it would be easier and better all round to end whatever it is and not get involved with anyone again.

Find ways to be happy on your own. Fulfilled people attract fulfilled people. Nobody who is pursuing life with vigour wants to have a relationship with someone who just gets fed up and doesn't know what to do about it.

Be happy on your own. Really happy. Mix with people you feel great with. As much as you can. Then you'll be attached to your singledom, and nobody who isn't amazing will be able to tempt you away from that. Genuine happiness is a good filter.

@TheFoundations

Find ways to be happy on your own. Fulfilled people attract fulfilled people. Nobody who is pursuing life with vigour wants to have a relationship with someone who just gets fed up and doesn't know what to do about it.

Be happy on your own. Really happy. Mix with people you feel great with. As much as you can. Then you'll be attached to your singledom, and nobody who isn't amazing will be able to tempt you away from that. Genuine happiness is a good filter.

That really made smile. That's exactly where I was 3 or 4 years ago. Didn't make the slightest difference to any of my experiences but, you're right, I was a bit more circumspect about it all.

Thanks

I've just become so bogged down with the feelings of inadequacy and, I suppose, lockdown giving me more time to think hasn't helped.

I bought a new yoga mat a few weeks ago with a view to starting every morning doing half an hour of yoga in the garden and I've forgotten about it every morning so far until its too late! Perhaps tomorrow is the morning I should start...

Thank you all for your kind words and patience.

It sounds like you're exactly where I've been for all my life, and I've had a LOT of counselling although I couldn't say if it's really helped!

From reading all your posts, something that really stands out to me is that you seem to want your partners to be totally vulnerable to you in that they love you to the extent of having to fight through all the armour you put up, but you're not willing to be vulnerable back.
Real love should be a partnership, it should be knowing that in disaster, they'd be there for you. If you're not willing to let them in at all, its no surprise that after a while they stop trying - after all, it looks to them like thats not even on the table.

You've mentioned a lot about other women your partners seem to open up around, and then talked about their looks in relation to your own and how you're spending a lot of time trying to improve yours with face masks and yoga. Have you considered that it might not be about the looks at all, but about the fact that these women are more emotionally open and it might be that positive feedback from them that they are responding to?

I know its hard but there is no love from a position of total emotional security, you have to be willing to risk a little to get some back.

If I can just say OP— I know someone rather like the tanned leggy blonde you mentioned— I used to feel a bit the same until someone mentioned to me that her H found her materialistic and hard going and not quite how she seemed on the surface- itcwas all show — you never fully can know the score — the important thing is if you can only make the best of what you have, there is no point getting wound up about it— the right person may well look at others but like you best and it may just be you haven’t yet met that right person

@TheFoundations covered if off beautifully— you haven’t yet met your people— not just men but women too. You are effectively trying to put a square peg in a round hole— you seem to me the kind of lady that will
Meet someone just right within a group/shared interests kind of way rather than random dating etc- someone who gets to know you well, rather than just on outward appearances. I think I’m like that too to be honest, especially as I’ve got older

From reading all your posts, something that really stands out to me is that you seem to want your partners to be totally vulnerable to you in that they love you to the extent of having to fight through all the armour you put up, but you're not willing to be vulnerable back

You're probably right! I didn't used to be like this though. I've become like this through my experiences.

Have you considered that it might not be about the looks at all, but about the fact that these women are more emotionally open and it might be that positive feedback from them that they are responding to?

No. It's definitely their looks... without explaining in great detail, it's obvious.

[quote Crikeyalmighty]@TheFoundations covered if off beautifully— you haven’t yet met your people— not just men but women too. You are effectively trying to put a square peg in a round hole— you seem to me the kind of lady that will
Meet someone just right within a group/shared interests kind of way rather than random dating etc- someone who gets to know you well, rather than just on outward appearances. I think I’m like that too to be honest, especially as I’ve got older[/quote]
I think this is one of the things i find so frustrating about it all.

I don't do 'dating'. So no online dating profiles etc. The men I date are men I've met in real life and are also men I've got to know first. Like I said early on in the thread, they like me as a person just not the packaging I come in.

I've met a lot of men through hobbies etc but they are very rarely interested in romantically or sexually. I did one hobby for 8 years and met a lot of men through it. In all that time only one showed any interest in me and he was married 🙄

In my main current hobby (of 3 years), I also meet a lot of men and not one of them has shown any interest at all.

It's just hard.