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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“I thought you weren’t eating stuff like that?” **MNHQ adding content warning for ED**

79 replies

StuffLikeThat · 12/07/2021 22:28

My DH said this to me a few hours ago when I had a few of my DS’ sweets. It’s true, I am trying to cut down on junk food in a bid to lose the 2.5 stone of extra weight I’ve gained since second child and lockdown. But it felt SO judgmental. I have had eating disorders in the past (long before I met him, although he knows about it) and about 12m ago, I started binge eating…. related to lockdown and various other things. I WFH full time in a demanding job and I’m not getting out to exercise. My DH is obsessed with exercise and I know that my being overweight makes me less attractive in his eyes. Since he said this, I haven’t had any dinner. I don’t know if this is because I’m punishing him or if it’s triggered something in me, or maybe a bit of both? I dunno. I know I need to lose weight- I’m unhappy with how I look- but I work full time and support our family of 4 (he is a SAHD). Why has this upset me so much?

OP posts:
bonfireheart · 12/07/2021 22:31

He didn't say
"Why are yoy eating that?"
"You shouldnt eat that"

He said to a woman who admits to be trying to lose weight "I thought you weren't eating stuff like that'...

Eslteacher06 · 12/07/2021 22:41

Woooow @bonfireheart! Don't you think it's all in the inference? What's even the point in him saying "I thought you weren't eating stuff like that?" Isn't that obvious anyway?

Totally understand OP. I'm there myself.

bonfireheart · 12/07/2021 22:45

Not really.
Either she is eating stuff like that or she isn't.

StarryStarrySocks · 12/07/2021 22:48

Sounds fair enough to me. And you should have had dinner.

AnotherVice · 12/07/2021 22:48

I think it's that you're upset with yourself for eating the sweets.

redastherose · 12/07/2021 22:52

It felt judgemental because it was judgemental. You may want to lose a couple of stone but that's your decision to make not his and he doesn't need to comment on it. There is a difference between supportive and judgemental and that wasn't supportive.

If you are wanting to make positive changes and are the sole breadwinner and working from home full time then do you need to carve some time out for yourself to exercise? Does he help by buying and preparing healthy meals?

BishBashBoshBush · 12/07/2021 22:53

I don't think what he said was bad, although it might have sounded rude depending on his tone. It's not like he said "I don't think you need to eat those" or "that's not going to help you lose weight" he was just trying to clarify whether your plan to eat healthier had changed. I agree with PP I think you are angry at yourself and punishing yourself but you feel that you're angry at him and not eating dinner. Which isn't good as you will be more likely to binge if you are hungry and in a low mood.

bonfireheart · 12/07/2021 22:56

Honestly am sure most of MN thinks their partners should be mute cos every comment is loaded with unfathomable meaning.

bonfireheart · 12/07/2021 22:57

If I told DP I was doing x and then didn't he would say "oh I thought you were..." and vice versa.

Postdatedpandemic · 12/07/2021 22:58

I get the impression that you are quite pissed off about your DH
You are not punishing him though, you are punishing DS by eating his sweets and you are punishing yourself by eating sugary crap instead of a proper dinner.

How much do resent DH at the moment?
How tired are you?
Is it time DH went back to work?
Get your thinking cap on because your reaction has been a wee bit disordered but not necessarily unreasonable.
Communicate with DH, find a way to get the time for you to exercise (or whatever you need to get through this patch).

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2021 22:58

Is he worried you’re eating sweets and will complain in a few days you haven’t lost weight?

People on diets can be very dull if they talk about it a lot. I don’t know if you are but it can happen without the person realising.

It’s not punishing him by not having dinner. That’s a very dysfunctional way of thinking.

You’re meant to be a team, he’s giving you a nudge after you said you were going to eat better when you were eating sweets. That’s potentially punishing yourself.

Don’t have a row about this or go all passive aggressive. You’re annoyed you ate something you’d probably decided you’d avoid while losing weight. He probably did think you weren’t eating stuff like that at the moment. That’s fair enough. If it really upset you, ask him not to comment on your food again.

HotGlueGun · 12/07/2021 23:00

I'm not upset with myself for eating sweets. I work hard to support my family and feel under appreciated. It's the judgment and the tone with which he said it.... and the carelessness when he knows I have issues around food. I have had bouts of bulimia and anorexia and am now trying to overcome a bout of compulsive eating which has been exacerbated by lockdown and other things. I think it's pretty un-bloody-kind to make the comment at that point in time and the way he did. Yes I'm frustrated with my inability to lose weight and control my eating.... but it's more complex than that, which he well knows.

Palavah · 12/07/2021 23:00

There are definitely more and less helpful ways of saying what he said.

Well done for recognising that it triggered you. What do you want to do with the information?

Pegsonstrings · 12/07/2021 23:01

Ok. I get it. I have been wfh and it’s really nice at times but I am moving a lot less than I use to so it’s easy to get that extra weight. Could it be that your husband is upset that you are not looking after yourself properly and he blurt this out with a tone when his intention was meant to be more loving and caring? Could it be that you are so aware of how unhappy you feel about yourself that any comment made my your h is just like nails on chalkboard?

Please don’t stop eating. If you want to loose the weight you need to get that fire in your belly to get motivated. Eat what you need and not what you want and you will get there but only you can do that and any remarks from anyone, including us on MN will not change your habits. Only you can. Tell your husband that his remarks hurt but take accountability too. If you have been moaning to him about how you feel about yourself, I am sure he is just feeling frustrated that you are a few sweet?

Pegsonstrings · 12/07/2021 23:01

Ate not are sorry

TheFoundations · 12/07/2021 23:06

Why has this upset me so much

Because it's a sensitive subject for you. We all have them. I somebody loves us and supports us, we will be able to say if something hurts us, and they will try not to repeat it, because they don't want us to hurt. It doesn't matter whether the sensitivity makes any sense. A good example is the spider one (in the uk). There is no reason to be afraid of spiders at all. They're harmless. Being scared of them is a bit barmy. But if Doris says 'BOB!! There's a spider, I'm scared!', Bob can choose to be a nice, supportive partner ('I'll keep an eye on it. Go get me a glass and an envelope, and then I'll catch it and put it outside. You won't have to deal with any spiders on my watch.') or, he can be unsupportive ('For god's sake Doris, why are you so weird about this? It's totally harmless. Can't you just catch it and put it outside?')

So, is your husband Bob 1 or Bob 2, OP? If you say to him that, when he makes comments, even little ones, about what you eat, it makes you feel horrible, how will he respond?

EmeraldShamrock · 12/07/2021 23:09

Tell him to get stuffed.
Isn't great how he has the time for himself and you're very stressed.

HumunaHey · 12/07/2021 23:15

@HotGlueGun

I'm not upset with myself for eating sweets. I work hard to support my family and feel under appreciated. It's the judgment and the tone with which he said it.... and the carelessness when he knows I have issues around food. I have had bouts of bulimia and anorexia and am now trying to overcome a bout of compulsive eating which has been exacerbated by lockdown and other things. I think it's pretty un-bloody-kind to make the comment at that point in time and the way he did. Yes I'm frustrated with my inability to lose weight and control my eating.... but it's more complex than that, which he well knows.
I think it can be hard to sit back and say nothing. Maybe he thought he was being helpful by holding you accountable?

I do think you're projecting your own issues onto him and deep down you probably are upset with yourself as you know the sweets aren't going to help you lose weight yet you couldn'thelp eating them. If the roles were reversed what would you have said/not said?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2021 23:28

I think you’ve had a name change fail OP. Have you been saying how upset you are at the weight gain? Have you explicitly told him you’d rather he didn’t comment on your weight or your food?

If you’ve done the former but not the latter then I really don’t think he’s done anything terrible. It was a passing comment, not an attack on your body or your character.

He’s not a mental health professional and it’s unfair to expect him to have deep insight based on past knowledge of your eating disorders. If you need proper support then it’s up to you to find it through official channels.

He can see you’re stressed, eating in a disordered way and now skipping a meal apparently to punish him for a brief remark. He’s probably worried and can see you sabotaging yourself and engaging in unhealthy behaviours.

Aldilogue · 12/07/2021 23:57

I say things like that to my DH a lot because frankly it's frustrating that he doesn't look after his health more.
Saying you feel judged is a bit melodramatic.
If you don't look after yourself in the younger years chances are when you're older, you'll have health problems.
I probably drive him mad but it's like banging your head against the wall sometimes.

lolacola77 · 13/07/2021 00:00

You're turning your anger with yourself onto him. He's probably sick of you going on about your weight and watching you eat stuff that's keeping you fat.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 13/07/2021 00:08

Two and a half stone is a lot of weight to put on, he is probably concerned for you.

Halfwaytoholiday · 13/07/2021 00:13

Having a few of the dc's sweets is not going to ruin OP's diet or stop her losing any weight. If eating those makes her go on to when another bag...well that's bad obviously. But eating a few might take away a craving for them and stop her going on to more. If someone has a history of binging it could be a really positive thing to just be able to eat a few, and then stop.

5475878237NC · 13/07/2021 03:38

Sounds like he is trying to support you to hold yourself accountable.

sergeilavrov · 13/07/2021 04:06

He knows your history of EDs, so his comment is inappropriate. What people who haven’t suffered from these issues don’t understand is that you always feel on the precipice of a relapse. He should have been more thoughtful. I hope you can feel strong enough to speak to him about how that comment made you feel, and the behaviour you don’t want to be triggered.

I suffered a severe ED, and my DH is extremely mindful to avoid any sort of comment or pressure around food - good or bad, because people with ED history will always interpret those comments through a tainted lens. I hope you feel less anxious in the morning: keep your ‘moment’ of recognised recovery in mind. For me, I always think about the realisation I could never be as unhealthy and sick at any degree of being overweight as I was at my most underweight. You are worthy of love, you are beautiful and attractive, strong and valuable. Your body carried life and carries your family - it’s incredible!