“I thought you weren’t eating stuff like that?” **MNHQ adding content warning for ED**

[StuffLikeThat]

My DH said this to me a few hours ago when I had a few of my DS’ sweets. It’s true, I am trying to cut down on junk food in a bid to lose the 2.5 stone of extra weight I’ve gained since second child and lockdown. But it felt SO judgmental. I have had eating disorders in the past (long before I met him, although he knows about it) and about 12m ago, I started binge eating…. related to lockdown and various other things. I WFH full time in a demanding job and I’m not getting out to exercise. My DH is obsessed with exercise and I know that my being overweight makes me less attractive in his eyes. Since he said this, I haven’t had any dinner. I don’t know if this is because I’m punishing him or if it’s triggered something in me, or maybe a bit of both? I dunno. I know I need to lose weight- I’m unhappy with how I look- but I work full time and support our family of 4 (he is a SAHD). Why has this upset me so much?

It depends a bit on what you've said about wanting to lose weight.

DP used to go on and on and bloody on about how he's fat (he's not really, just has a bit of a tummy) and he hates it and he wishes he was still young and fit and how from now on he's going to do x,y and z and bla bla bla but as soon as he sees a pint of Ben and jerries he's smashing through the whole tub on autopilot. Ive probably said something along the lines of "maybe stop at half the tub?" in the past. It's not because I think he's fat or want him to lose weight it because I know he wants to lose weight but gets temporarily blinded but sugar cravings.

I have a history of ED's and my partner is aware and is my rock iff I have a melt down with binging or start starving myself (like im doing now because I can exercise and he is doing what he can to get me to eat nutritious food) However - If I say I'm cutting down on something eg - Wine be because to the kcals and then see's me drink a glass of course he will mention "i thought you didn't want to drink wine?" I don't take offense because he is just pointing out that I haven't stuck to what I was going to say,

I think sometimes men can be tactless, its not meant to hurt us.

The comment upset you because it was judgemental and not supportive. If he was supporting you, you wouldn't be in a downward spiral thats led to hurt feelings and starving.
You weren't binging on sweets and you don't need to starve to make up for eating them.

Please go for counseling as soon as you can. None of this is healthy.

Well what does support from him look like to you?

You've posted on a forum aimed at mums really and put this in the relationship section. The section of the forum is not directed exclusively at people with eating disorders so it stands to reason that, yes, alot of us will not understand where you're coming from.

I am saying this with sincerity and kindness but people with mental health issues, disorders, etc. are often very self centred (not aiming to be dereogatory, it's what health care workers often say) with their issues and this is playing out here. You are getting very defensive about some of the comments saying we don't know what it's like because we don't have an ED, but that's absolutely true. We cannot comment from your standpoint, only our own.

You are upset with your DH because of his comment and contemplated not eating dinner to punish him. Can you not see how manipulative that is? You are wrapped up in your own problems and not thinking how things could be affecting him. He too experienced lockdown. He has been made redundant. Does he not have feelings? Maybe his comment in your opinion was unhelpful, but if you've mentioned you're unhappy about your weight but he sees you doing things that won't help, it's natural to make a comment.

My mother is obese (perhaps you are not in that category so not quite the same) but I can sincerely say that the few times I comment about her eating, it most certainly is not to have a dig. I just want her to stop and think about what she's doing as I feel helpless. She has multiple health issues related to her weight and has been in hospital with severe breathing issues a few times. She's only in her late 50s. It scares me. I want her to be around for at least another 20 years. My DC loves her. I don't want him to lose her prematurely.

So I sincerely ask, what does support look like to you?

I would also like to add, secretly being upset about it then not eating dinner won't help. If you truly feel you just had a few sweets and it won't do any harm, say that. Perhsps he begs to differ but I feel open dialogue is better than concealed resentment. Does he do the food shop? If so, tell him to stop buying sweets as it's a temptation for you. The kids don't need sweets, there are other healthier treats to be had rather than dead calories.

@HumunaHey yes... I absolutely can see how manipulative not eating dinner is! That's why I posted! The "punishing him" is exactly that........ but the reason I posted (maybe in the wrong section) is because I wanted/ needed support for exactly that reason. Because my thought process was to immediately stop eating. It's twisted... but then the logic of people with eating disorders IS twisted.

I think the support I need from him is to a) hide away any junk food so it's not in my line of sight. He says he'll do this but then doesn't. The reason we had sweets yesterday was because my 2 kids had covid tests and my son was anxious about it. I promised him some sweets as we were mid-test when he was struggling; b) prepare healthy food.... he does sometimes sabotage my efforts in not doing this (he is the main cook as I work late most days); c) talk to me about my weight in an appropriate way... maybe wait until I've finished eating the (few) sweets I had then later on say something like "I noticed you had some sweets before.... what were the reasons?". There are so many ways to be a supportive partner for someone who wants to address their weight issues.... his comment last night wasn't.

I can quite easily imagine myself saying something like that to DH if he said he was giving up beer or chocolate or whatever. And I do not push him to do these things, nor do I especially think he should do these things, it would just be a comment reminding him of what he had hoped to do. So I don’t think this is something that you need get upset about.

@HotGlueGun That's fair enough and actually, it's really helpful (to me) to mention that pulling up someone on what they're eating whilst they're eating it, really isn't the best course of action!

It can take a while for people to change their actions so maybe mention these things to your DH.. . and mention them again. . .and again!

I really hope his heart is in the right place and that the comment, though tactless, was not aimed at hurting your feelings.

Just keep speaking up for yourself, mentioning the things you mentioned here, in a calm and measured way. Hopefully, with time, he can be more of the support system you need 💐.

I noticed you had some sweets before.... what were the reasons?
Wow you want him to be that judgmental and take responsibility to police you

or

I thought you weren’t eating stuff like that? and giving you the option to be responsible for your life.

Nobody can control your ED, with support you can have a good go at controlling it. Go and get some professional support.

See it does seem like you're expecting a lot from him in terms of him being responsible for 'hiding' sweets and 'junk' food and cooking you what you deem to be healthy dinners.

If my partner was expecting me to get so actively involved, change my own eating habits and then I caught them scoffing the kids sweets I'd be annoyed too to be honest and probably comment.
Maybe look at getting some therapy/a referral so you're more confident in your own food choices and can work on moving forward past your eating disorder

[quote HotGlueGun]@HumunaHey yes... I absolutely can see how manipulative not eating dinner is! That's why I posted! The "punishing him" is exactly that........ but the reason I posted (maybe in the wrong section) is because I wanted/ needed support for exactly that reason. Because my thought process was to immediately stop eating. It's twisted... but then the logic of people with eating disorders IS twisted.

I think the support I need from him is to a) hide away any junk food so it's not in my line of sight. He says he'll do this but then doesn't. The reason we had sweets yesterday was because my 2 kids had covid tests and my son was anxious about it. I promised him some sweets as we were mid-test when he was struggling; b) prepare healthy food.... he does sometimes sabotage my efforts in not doing this (he is the main cook as I work late most days); c) talk to me about my weight in an appropriate way... maybe wait until I've finished eating the (few) sweets I had then later on say something like "I noticed you had some sweets before.... what were the reasons?". There are so many ways to be a supportive partner for someone who wants to address their weight issues.... his comment last night wasn't. [/quote]
Sorry I didn't take his comment to be harsh and some of the above things you need to take responsibility for yourself.

Sounds like he can't win and you're more angry at yourself than anything.

@DamnShesaSexyChick

Two and a half stone is a lot of weight to put on, he is probably concerned for you.

Since having her second child and over eating during lockdown?! Very easily done! I put on more then 3 stone after having my second child.

I’ve lost it now but it took a couple of years and involved diet changes and exercise. It wasn’t easy by any stretch.

OP is this a pattern of insensitive behaviour or a poorly placed comment? The issues around him being the stay at home parent and you feeling the strain are separate issues to a comment about eating sweets.

If he was supporting you, you wouldn't be in a downward spiral thats led to hurt feelings and starving.

That’s ridiculous. OP’s mental health is her responsibility to manage, it’s not her husbands job to stop her spiralling?! He’s managing the house and the kids and dealing with redundancy and trying to be supportive but clearly can’t win.

It’s not his job to stop her from missing a meal. Since that came straight after eating sweets she’s very unlikely to be starting.

Hyperbole and presumption of malice on his part is really unhelpful.

Would it help if you didn’t talk to your DH about your weight loss goals? So it isn’t a topic that’s up for discussion - it’s your own private business. I think expecting someone to be supportive can be tricky because we want that support to be on our own terms and get upset when it isn’t what we want in the moment. For example, I wouldn’t like it if my DH watched me eat chocolate and then came up to me later asking what my reasons were - that would feel intrusive.

I found I could blame all sorts on my mum’s cooking when I was younger but when I actually did my own cooking it didn’t solve my problems as I thought it would. It was only by taking steps to eat healthier, improving my relationship with food and reading lots about moving away from disordered eating and not basing my self worth on a number on the scale that I was able to make positive changes.

@nellly

See it does seem like you're expecting a lot from him in terms of him being responsible for 'hiding' sweets and 'junk' food and cooking you what you deem to be healthy dinners.

If my partner was expecting me to get so actively involved, change my own eating habits and then I caught them scoffing the kids sweets I'd be annoyed too to be honest and probably comment.
Maybe look at getting some therapy/a referral so you're more confident in your own food choices and can work on moving forward past your eating disorder

She wasn't "scoffing" she had a few sweets. Absolutely nothing wrong in that whether she's dieting or not.

@wedswench sorry I should have worded that better. I didn't meant there was anything inherently wrong with eating sweets, quite the opposite

More that I was trying to see if from other side that if her husband has listened to her planning the diet, and which foods she doesn't want, is expected to comment and be supportive with the words he uses as mentioned in op's last comment, be responsible for hiding foods from an adult and cooking the healthy meals it might rankle a bit to see the op then eating the kid's sweets.

If you're just wanting to carry on with dieting at home without professional support op maybe have a deal that it is your responsibility and yours alone. Explain to your husband that you don't want him to comment but also don't expect him to be an active participant in hiding and cooking etc.

But still think the better approach would be with some professional help to make sure dieting doesn't lead to something more sinister. Best of luck with it

@nellly.... ah ok, so I just cook my own meals and eat them away from the rest of the family then? If he does the cooking and wants me to lose weight.... does he therefore not need to take an active part? What about if the crap that comes into the house is mostly him bringing it in and not me? Seriously.... I wonder whether anyone here has actually struggled with mental health and eating disorders. If it's "ops responsibility" to deal with my own mental health without support then where ultimately do you think that might end up if applied to other areas of mental health? Honestly, some if you people are unreal

@StuffLikeThat I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but it sounds like your husband can't win with regards to the food you eat.

Some people completely recover from eating disorders and others need varying levels of support.

In essence, if he said "oh you're eating really healthily today" would that be a trigger?
If he said "that burger looks greasy" would that be a trigger?

You know what is and isn't an issue for you. Can he comment on your eating at all without is being a trigger? Do you actively discuss your diet with him? Do you tell him you're cutting down on sweets and then expect him not to comment?

Does he know what your expectations, triggers or feelings are?

I think you need to have a proper conversation with him as none of us know your past, triggers etc

[quote HotGlueGun]@bonfireheart what an odd question to ask! You have inferred a ridiculous amount there. We get on just fine most of the time.... but lockdown, 2 children that don't sleep, redundancy (his), breastfeeding (me), a demanding job, WFH, ED issues etc.... have had an impact. Yes, I feel aggrieved that I'm working long long hours to provide for us.... and that despite him having 2 child free days a week, the house remains a tip. I feel that his judgment of my weight (which believe me, very much IS there) is a bit fucking rich considering that part of the reason I am overweight is because of the lockdown situation and my ED history. I guess a bit of empathy on his part wouldn't go amiss as well as actual constructive support. He gets time to exercise but it's at the expense of his day to day "job" ie. the house/ family. [/quote]
So you are working ALL hours AND breastfeeding, getting little sleep, whilst he has two days a week to himself and the house is a tip.

I bloody bet you have gained two stone with THAT level of stress.

And "Mr Two days a week to himself" is giving you a tone to his questions.

OP, I would go through him for a short cut and tell him where he could put that question.

Pity he isn't a bit more observant of the state of the house instead of passing remarks about your a few sweets.

Perhaps if he would get up off HIS arse and pull his weight, YOU wouldn't be comfort eating.

YOU have MY full sympathy OP.

He needs telling a few home truths.

I’ve struggled with mental health and eating disorders for nearly 20 years now. I think your expectations on your husband are ridiculous, even more so given he’s not even allowed to mention it.

It’s not unbelievable to suggest that adults take responsibility for managing their mental, by seeking help from qualified professionals, instead of placing unfair and undue pressure on others to prop them up alone. It absolutely applies to other mental health issues. Someone who’s depressed needs to speak to a doctor about appropriate medication and therapy rather than expecting a spouse, friends, family or colleagues to provide all the support they need. Likewise anxiety and the range of other issues that affect different people.

Unless this is your first time on here you’ll have seen this discussed frequently. It’s not okay to drag other people down with you when you’re struggling, or to expect them to make big changes to their lives when it’s professional help and intervention that’s required.

It can develop into enabling which is very unhealthy for everyone.

Your husband isn’t your keeper. It’s not his job to keep food out of your eye line. That’s like the spouse of an alcoholic being expected to his booze and if they don’t it’s their fault the other person drinks. The alcohol may ask to live in a dry house and that might be agreed by everyone else they live with but it’s still 100% their responsibility not to drink and to get help to support them.

You’re clearly in a bad way and I sympathise with that but your OP suggested he was completely wrong for noticing and commenting at all, now you’re saying ye should have brought it up but after you’d eaten the sweets and what seems to me like a pretty paternalistic and controlling way.

Eat the sweets, eat anything else you want. Don’t expect him to control your environment and the content of your meals. He’s only your husband and it’s not his job to keep you well. He can support you but you’ve given him no indication of what that support would look like and it seems like whatever he does will be wrong. He didn’t make you ill and he can’t fix you.

Christ Almighty OP!! You ate some sweets, feel ashamed of it and now you want that to be your DH's fault because he made a comment about your accountability!! Lets not analyse the fuck out of it!!

The vast majority of us have put weight on in lockdown, particularly if you're just sat working from home. I certainly have. But your long list of reasons of why you're overweight are excuses and we both know it. Your husband could be the best SAHD ever and support you and free up all your free time for you to crack on with your diet and exercise and self care etc...but it's not going to happen unless YOU decide it's going to happen. So decide!! You're low on energy understandably that's why you're seeking out sugar. Losng weight is bloody hard and most of us are with you, I've been trying to lose weight for probably 20 years if I'm being realistic and I've used every excuse too. I know what to do - eat well and exercise - as do you.

This is not your husbands fault. His comment might have annoyed you and that's fair enough. But don't use it as another excuse of why you're too weak to get this sorted. You're not weak, you're strong. Inspire me because I need a kick up the arse as well !!

100% seriously. Did I stutter?

Op it's not that people aren't sympathetic to your eating disorder or mental health worries but lots of people have simply agreed that your expectations of your husband seem unreasonable and a bit contradictory.

What comments has he made regarding wanting you to lose weight? It's hard for us really to establish if he's being rude or if he's just engaging in a conversation with you when you bring it up

@bonfireheart

If I told DP I was doing x and then didn't he would say "oh I thought you were..." and vice versa.

But isn't that a bit silly?

If I said I'm not going to eat ice cream and then my partner sees me seeing ice cream, anyone with two braincells to rub together could understand that I've probably changed my mind?

Genuinely, what is the purpose of that question/saying "I thought you weren't doing xyz"? The only answer will be your partner justifying it, but why should they have to do that?