“I thought you weren’t eating stuff like that?” **MNHQ adding content warning for ED**

[StuffLikeThat]

My DH said this to me a few hours ago when I had a few of my DS’ sweets. It’s true, I am trying to cut down on junk food in a bid to lose the 2.5 stone of extra weight I’ve gained since second child and lockdown. But it felt SO judgmental. I have had eating disorders in the past (long before I met him, although he knows about it) and about 12m ago, I started binge eating…. related to lockdown and various other things. I WFH full time in a demanding job and I’m not getting out to exercise. My DH is obsessed with exercise and I know that my being overweight makes me less attractive in his eyes. Since he said this, I haven’t had any dinner. I don’t know if this is because I’m punishing him or if it’s triggered something in me, or maybe a bit of both? I dunno. I know I need to lose weight- I’m unhappy with how I look- but I work full time and support our family of 4 (he is a SAHD). Why has this upset me so much?

@Aldilogue

I say things like that to my DH a lot because frankly it's frustrating that he doesn't look after his health more. Saying you feel judged is a bit melodramatic. If you don't look after yourself in the younger years chances are when you're older, you'll have health problems. I probably drive him mad but it's like banging your head against the wall sometimes.

You are judging him though. And you're wasting your breath.

I'm sorry OP. It's a dig, it's meant as a dig. But honestly I think ver few people who haven't lived with EDs really understand them.

Are you happy that he's a SAHD while you work?

This sounds like a difficult way to live. Your weight/weight loss is for you, not him. I would ask him to stop policing/commenting, and don’t bring the subject up much yourself.

Why do you think you not eating dinner punishes him? Don't be ridiculous. Only you know the tone in which it was said but don't blame him for you feeling bad and going without dinner.

You’ve mentioned in a couple of posts that you work hard and are the sole earner. How is that related to your weight?

Do you often talk about cutting down on junk food etc? If I was constantly hearing about someone's weight and then they kept going back on what they were saying I'd be a little bored by the same repeated conversations.

There's a very good chance he's just trying to gauge what you're actually doing - whether you're cutting back or not.

Not eating dinner but eating sweets makes no difference to him but isn't going to help you.

Why are you together? Doesn't sound like a relationship that is working for either of you.

I think it sounds like he’s trying to be supportive. You’ve told him you want to try and lose weight, unless you’ve told him that you’ve changed your mind or that you’re having a night off I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him commenting on it in the way he did. I’ve also had a problem with binge eating when I’m stressed and sometimes I don’t even notice I’m doing it until I’m halfway through a bucket of Dorito’s.

OP, did you tell him you don’t want him to say stuff like that to you again? Let him know how you feel, otherwise, if he was trying to be ‘helpful’ in the wrong way, he’ll never know. I could see this being either way in his mind, either he was judging you for eating it or he was trying to remind you that you didn’t want to eat it in the first place. TBH it doesn’t matter if you ate it! Hope you can communicate with your husband that it upset you today if you haven’t already x

Wow. I honestly thought the replied on here would be in OPs favour. And OP I'm sorry they're not.

That was horrible of him. Eating Disorders are life long. Even if you're recovered, comments like that can still hurt and can still trigger you into your old ways of thinking. Which it obviously did because you didn't eat dinner.

It's especially hard when you've had an eating disorder to put on weight after having children, or in stressful situations like lockdown. I am naturally very small and had an eating disorder for 20 years. My ED shouldn't have been about being thin because I am thin no matter what I do(but I couldn't see that ) but I STILL obsess about what I eat... And comments like that now would upset me deeply.

You need to have a chat with your husband and you need to let him know how it's made you feel and let him know that EDs never just fully go away.

If you are binge eating and you can't control it and are unhappy about it, perhaps you need some support for yourself ? Take a look at this website if you feel you need some help maybe ?

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

They're a really good charity. I did some training with them, I wanted to work on the helpline but they / I decided I was not recovered enough so I couldn't at that time, but they're really good and really supportive for whatever you're struggling with.

Losing weight is about making healthy choices over a long period of time that are sustainable. Just because you're losing weight and eating healthier doesn't mean you can't have the odd sweet. Particularly if you've suffered with eating disorders in the past this is a very smart way of doing things.

Even skinny people eat sweets when they want to.

His comment was goady and unnecessary.

Why can't you get out to exercise? If you h wants to support you, he can look after the dc while you go out for a run/to a gym class or whatever. Does he get time out to exercise?

Not eating dinner doesn't punish HIM.
It sounds more like you are punishing yourself.

It might be useful to look at your relationship with guilt and how you handle it. Often this is linked with self esteem.

It may be that your self esteem is what because you are not happy about your weight. But it is also important to point out that nasty partners/people in our lives (making us feel like shit) can also trigger this punishing behaviour in us.

I dont know that thats what is going on here. It's a massive leap to assume something like that based on a throwaway comment. But its something to consider. It could also be that you had someone in your past, perhaps back at the times of your eating disorders, that made you indulge in this punishing behaviour and that your partners comment has brought it all back.

Anyway, well done for deciding to get back in shape! I dont know if they are running right now but I would absolutely advise joining a weightlosd class that meets up every week like slimming world or weight watchers. That's how I shifted what I needed to. I can never stick to my diet when it's just me. You can absolutely do it!

I am sorry you are upset and I understand why. Food/weight is a complex emotional and psychological issue for you.

But I also see it from your husband's perspective. My mum was a serial dieter whose weight yo-yoed, though most of the time she was overweight and unhappy. Sometimes we (me, dad and sister) were walking on eggshells because we couldn't say the right thing. If she hadn't lost any weight she would get upset with us and blame us for not being supportive and encouraging and that we should have "stopped her" from snacking/buying chocolate etc.

But if we did prompt her i.e. "you said you weren't going to eat any biscuits today" she would get in a rage or burst into tears because she needed a treat and we were ruining her only pleasure of the day, she worked so hard, we were so ungrateful etc.

She would also do the thing of making dinner for everyone and then sit at the table without anything herself which made us feel really guilty. As I got a bit older I realised this coincided with times when she'd eaten a whole packet of biscuits in one morning or been eating chocolate driving to and from work. She was cross and disappointed with herself but it kind of felt like it was "our fault".

It is a really awful dynamic and both me and my sister ended up with food issues. We are both slim but our lives were pretty much ruled by staying like that because we'd had the message that fat is the very worst thing you can be! Please do contact the services PP have recommended. You need to get the root of the issue to solve the problem and be happy. This will have a knock on effect on your family too.

It sounds a bit like you're projecting based on your previous issues with disordered eating to be honest. In his mind, he's probably being supportive and holding you accountable because you've set yourself a goal. If you don't find it helpful, you should tell him to mind his own business but you certainly shouldn't be going without dinner over a few sweets. Have you sought councilling? It seems you aren't sure why you're reaction would be to withhold yourself food so it may be good to seek some professional help to get the root cause of you're thinking around food and build a healthy way of coping in future.

You apoear to be carrying a lot on your shoulders.

Does he do his share.

As he is a SAHD is he doing the lions share or are you the breadwinner and the primary parent/mental load carrier.

Is this the reason you have been comfort eating?

How are things between you?
You sound unhappy.
How much time is he spent exercising?

Wow... I seriously hope some of you don't ever have anyone close to you suffer with an eating disorder!!

Thank you to those that have been supportive and that understand that when you have a warped relationship with food and are in the midst of an episode, comments like this can be really harmful.

It depends on the tone I think. But I have recently lost 2 stone and without DH holding me accountable when I’ve slipped up I would have really struggled to do so!

@bonfireheart what an odd question to ask! You have inferred a ridiculous amount there. We get on just fine most of the time.... but lockdown, 2 children that don't sleep, redundancy (his), breastfeeding (me), a demanding job, WFH, ED issues etc.... have had an impact. Yes, I feel aggrieved that I'm working long long hours to provide for us.... and that despite him having 2 child free days a week, the house remains a tip. I feel that his judgment of my weight (which believe me, very much IS there) is a bit fucking rich considering that part of the reason I am overweight is because of the lockdown situation and my ED history. I guess a bit of empathy on his part wouldn't go amiss as well as actual constructive support. He gets time to exercise but it's at the expense of his day to day "job" ie. the house/ family.

I personally don't think there's anything more frustrating than one adult telling another adult what they thought that adult was going to do. It's snide, it's letting someone know they're being monitored, there's nothing constructive or helpful about it.

@Aldilogue

I say things like that to my DH a lot because frankly it's frustrating that he doesn't look after his health more. Saying you feel judged is a bit melodramatic. If you don't look after yourself in the younger years chances are when you're older, you'll have health problems. I probably drive him mad but it's like banging your head against the wall sometimes.

Me too.

My DP is trying to lose weight, we've both agreed he needs to for his health but it's a struggle for him.

I get frustrated when I see him eating things he shouldn't be because I want him to be healthy and look after himself. And I know that one small treat will often lead to another and another and then it's back to square one.

So I nag him and say things most people on here would think are really unacceptable. But at the same time, him being overweight affects me (no sex drive, more chance of health problems etc etc) and so when it appears he's not trying to help the situation by eating crap I get annoyed.

Although he doesn't have history of an ED so maybe I would act differently around him if he did have one.

@redtshirt50 but can you not see how nagging him is only going to compound the problem? He doesn't need your judgment, just your support... which you might think you are giving, but you are absolutely not. What you are conveying by nagging is that you think you are better than him. A genuinely supportive partner does not do this.

@PleasantBirthday thank you... that's exactly how I feel. I feel policed. If he wanted to be supportive then he could make sure we have healthy food options in.

@Emmelina do you have a history of eating disorders?

Sounds like he can’t win!

Only you and he know the real inference, but could just have easily been a supportive reminder as a criticism.