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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I going mad! -controlling behaviour

77 replies

MissSparkle47 · 12/07/2021 21:12

Hello everyone- please can I have some advice. I have been with my OH for 8 years. I will try and keep it short. I sold my house and moved in with him last November (bought a plot of land we are supposed to be building our own house) I knew he had quirky ways but hadn’t realised he wouldn’t let my then 17 year old daughter not come and stay blaming Covid. I would have never moved up if I knew he would never let her stay Even though his daughter came and went between parents she does week on week off . He had asked me to leave numerous times since then I in May took a job which had accomodation with it as I was sick of being asked to leave and having to sleep on my older daughters sofa. I have been dividing my time between both but he’s very vocal on how often I see my children and my friends and I have to be very careful with what I plan as not to upset him. Why do I have to spend a full on week with him and his daughter but I can’t see my own? I walk on broken egg shells around him as I don’t do anything right as his house load the dishwasher hang the washing etc. My dogs were a massive problem for him I have two small one’s they are ten years old he suddenly decided he didn’t want them there. Because I saw my daughter three times last week and went for breakfast with my son he says I am gallivanting. A couple of weeks ago we went out got the train there he had a sulk when we came out of the restaurant I honestly don’t know what I said and he stormed off I had to walk all through the town get the train and walk home by myself in the dark he just left me. He slags my children off something rotten which I can’t stand to hear. I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it. Although they have been there when he’s had a stroop and gone off and my children are not enamoured with him.
Please please help me is this normal behaviour…😌

OP posts:
wewereliars · 12/07/2021 21:18

He is horrible OP, you need to get this awful man out of your life x

Craftycorvid · 12/07/2021 21:19

Not remotely normal, OP. Abusive, in fact. Flowers

OrchestraOfWankery · 12/07/2021 21:26

You'll lose the respect of your DC by staying with this twat. You can't be that desperate for a man, surely?

HalzTangz · 12/07/2021 21:32

If you have a job with accomodation why are you still with him

Dump him

Get your own place and live your life

He's an abusive prick who doesn't deserve you

Parsley1234 · 12/07/2021 21:34

Jeez you have to ask ? No it’s not normal he’s a complete tool leave him live your life with your kids and lovely little dogs gallivant all you want

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/07/2021 21:36

You know it's not normal FGS
Why are you still with him?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 12/07/2021 21:38

Take your ddogs and run.. He doesn't want you to be happy. He is abusive. Sorry op you are in an abusive relationship..
Confide in your dc and leave him.

Ldnmum7 · 12/07/2021 21:42

Seriously? Read everything back you have just written. If your daughter or a friend met a man like this what would you tell them? You know this isn't right...

Honeyroar · 12/07/2021 21:43

Don’t be too embarrassed to tell your friends and family. They’ll be delighted you’ve finally realised how awful he is. Your poor daughter! Get away ASAP. You’ve lost nothing losing him.

girlmom21 · 12/07/2021 21:44

Please leave him and spend as much time as you like with your lovely children!

Spritesobright · 12/07/2021 21:45

My mum is in an abusive relationship and I can't tell you how agonising it is to see your mum make excuses for him and let a man get in the way of your relationship with her.
Please don't do that to your children. Or yourself.
What you've described is emotional abuse and it will only get worse and isolate you further and further.

malteserheist · 12/07/2021 21:47

Of course not.

Why haven't you ended it already?

Horehound · 12/07/2021 21:48

Get that plot sold and get your money back

Leave him, he's horrendous

Cherrysoup · 12/07/2021 21:48

Who bought the land? If you, sell it, use that and the house sale to get yourself away from this idiot. I hope to god he doesn’t have access to your finances.

Justcallmebebes · 12/07/2021 21:49

I'm surprised you even have to ask. This is so hurtful for your poor children. Surely you wouldn't put a man before them?

thelastgoldeneagle · 12/07/2021 21:52

Why do you have to ask? Surely you know he's being completely unreasonable and, frankly, vile? Why would you stay with him?

Dump him, then do the Freedom Programme so you don't get into another abusive relationship in future.

KatySun · 12/07/2021 21:53

Yes, what everyone else has said. Can you get your money back?

xsquared · 12/07/2021 21:57

He doesn't get to tell you how and who to spend your time with. What is this leaving and coming back nonsense? It's not a game of bloody fetch.

Leave him and leave him for good. He's absolutely horrible and completely disrespectful to you and your children.

Gingernaut · 12/07/2021 21:58

Grab your money and run.

Motherofalittledragon · 12/07/2021 22:10

Get rid of this abusive tosser and quick!

Sparkle2309 · 12/07/2021 22:50

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have lost all my self confidence I am afraid. I don't think I am abnormal in the things I do. He sees it that now my children are 18 and over I only need to see them once in a blue moon. I had a beautiful house I am so cross with myself for selling it. But I do have my own little flat now with my job I run an Independent living site and I love my job and my little flat. The land I put only in my name as it was my money that was buying it and until he put any money in I knew how rocky we have been and I know I've been a fool but didn't want to make that mistake too.
Although he thinks he owns half of it. The trouble is I'm always questioning myself asking myself what am I doing wrong. I really try my best and it never seems good enough x

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 12/07/2021 22:56

Of course it's not fucking normal, and you know that...

Is it a sudden change in his behaviour since you moved in? Or has he always interfered in your family relationships?

RandomMess · 12/07/2021 23:00

Sell the land and get rid of him.

HollowTalk · 12/07/2021 23:01

Can you say why you stay?

LawnFever · 12/07/2021 23:01

OP you can build your self confidence back once you get rid of this awful man!

Great that the plot of land is in your name, get it sold, you don’t even need to tell him
it’s none of his business Smile

Can you stay in the flat rather than with him?

You’ve seen right through him, you’re no fool, get rid of him and move on with your life - good luck Smile