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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I going mad! -controlling behaviour

77 replies

MissSparkle47 · 12/07/2021 21:12

Hello everyone- please can I have some advice. I have been with my OH for 8 years. I will try and keep it short. I sold my house and moved in with him last November (bought a plot of land we are supposed to be building our own house) I knew he had quirky ways but hadn’t realised he wouldn’t let my then 17 year old daughter not come and stay blaming Covid. I would have never moved up if I knew he would never let her stay Even though his daughter came and went between parents she does week on week off . He had asked me to leave numerous times since then I in May took a job which had accomodation with it as I was sick of being asked to leave and having to sleep on my older daughters sofa. I have been dividing my time between both but he’s very vocal on how often I see my children and my friends and I have to be very careful with what I plan as not to upset him. Why do I have to spend a full on week with him and his daughter but I can’t see my own? I walk on broken egg shells around him as I don’t do anything right as his house load the dishwasher hang the washing etc. My dogs were a massive problem for him I have two small one’s they are ten years old he suddenly decided he didn’t want them there. Because I saw my daughter three times last week and went for breakfast with my son he says I am gallivanting. A couple of weeks ago we went out got the train there he had a sulk when we came out of the restaurant I honestly don’t know what I said and he stormed off I had to walk all through the town get the train and walk home by myself in the dark he just left me. He slags my children off something rotten which I can’t stand to hear. I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it. Although they have been there when he’s had a stroop and gone off and my children are not enamoured with him.
Please please help me is this normal behaviour…😌

OP posts:

honeylulu · 13/07/2021 13:12

Oh God, get rid. He is horrible and controlling towards you, he hates your kids and your dogs!

Great that you have a flat so you have somewhere to go.

Is it right that although you have bought a plot of land in your sole name (near his house) you don't live "there" but in "his house" which he already had? If so this is great as it keeps things nice and simple. leave him in his house and sever ties. Sell the land - as it isn't joint you don't need him to agree. He might kick off but so what, he's dumped anyway. Sounds like a nasty piece of work who tries to throw you out when you displease him. No doubt he will be gobsmacked when you actually go!

alexdgr8 · 17/07/2021 19:28

OP, can you see that his attitude to you is not right.
trying to stop you going to see your daughter, even when he is not with you.
that is the height of controlling behaviour. it is a form of enslavement.
being totally in charge of you.

that's no way to live.
hope you are getting/have got out by now.
let us know how you are.
we are all cheering you on to rediscovering your own life and enjoying it.

Herecomesthesun70 · 17/07/2021 20:01

Jesus Christ. Just get away. He's an absolute twat

Original poster

MissSparkle47 · 02/12/2021 13:46

They will not live with us, this is just a visit. I don't mean all the time either. I would try to organise this when he is out. But if my daughter wanted to drop my grandchild of for a couple of hours and we wasn't doing anything then I do not see a problem with that. My daughter was rude to him once the other hasn't been just upset me in the past x

OP posts:

Monr0e · 02/12/2021 13:51

You have resurrected this thread rather than reply on the one you started today. I find it absolutely unbelievable you went on to marry this man

billy1966 · 02/12/2021 15:05

You went on to marry that awful man?.

🙄

HulaChick · 02/12/2021 15:18

Jesus Christ, was reading that hoping to get to last page and see that you'd dumped him and put you, your kids & your dogs first. Horrified to hear you've married him (but where is the OP's reference to this?). I'm totally shocked as he sounded like a controlling bastard. I think you'll regret that decision hugely.

2catsandhappy · 02/12/2021 18:53

I have read your two recent threads.
I am begging you to get rid of him.

Pay him off. Buy your freedom.
He wants to own you, body, thought and soul.
These are some of the most disturbing threads I have ever read. I have been there. It is so overwhelming. Please protect yourself. Stay in your little flat. Lock yourself in if you have to. Barricade it if he has access. Turn off your phone.
I wish I could whisk you away to safety. Sadly, monsters are real. I met one. Please tell everyone you know what you having been going through. Sending you much love xx

Billybagpuss · 02/12/2021 18:58

Is your money from the plot protected?

Good luck, I think you posted here knowing it was wrong and you should leave.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/12/2021 22:25

I can't believe you went on to marry someone who speaks so disgustingly about your children and has purposefully alienated you from them, your friends and even your pets.

End the marriage. Start building a life separate to him again and start building bridges with your daughter who must have found this hugely traumatic, especially your poor 18 year old.

Jk24 · 02/12/2021 22:32

Your original post was in July. Why the hell are you still with this man? Fgs woman i never say this but ltb

Iwilloneday · 02/12/2021 22:34

This is mental and emotional abuse. He sounds like a narcissist! Get rid or run, run, run NOW!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/12/2021 22:48

@Jk24

Your original post was in July. Why the hell are you still with this man? Fgs woman i never say this but ltb

And one in March when he'd already made her rehome her dogs and banned her 17 year old from staying. Jesus Christ. That poor kid.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2021 22:53

@Bananalanacake

Would you prefer living on your own and meeting him once a week or so, then you can see your DD whenever you want and wash up how you want.

What?

What would be the point of meeting him once a week?

He's abusive! Or did you miss that part?

Jk24 · 02/12/2021 23:05

@youvegottenminuteslynn wow, speechless....

Giggorata · 03/12/2021 00:24

Adding my voice to the general chorus.
How dare a man try and tell a mother whether she can see her children, grown up or not? Not to mention your dogs and all the other controlling nonsense.
Please get away from him. It will only get worse.

PickAChew · 03/12/2021 00:32

Why bother posting? He's awful.

KTB19 · 03/12/2021 00:53

I have read your other threads about this man and it is clear that he has no respect for you and doesnt want your children as part of his family. He has treated you like shit in the past and continues to do so.

What I do not understand is why you stay with someone that doesnt like your kids/future grandchildren and will not allow them into the home. They will never ever forget that you put this man above them and who knows what damage this will do to them in the future.

The choice is easy - get rid of this piece of shit because each and every time you choose him, you widen the distance between you and your children. There should absolutely be no contest at all - and no excuses to stay in this relationship.

I would end it now, like right now. I am astounded at what he is trying to do and how he treats your family - you should be getting angry here and telling him to piss off.

Justilou1 · 03/12/2021 00:54

He’s an arse

velvetpeach · 03/12/2021 01:27

Why the actual fuck would you marry him?! Your poor daughters, what an example you've set them, eh?!

billy1966 · 03/12/2021 09:20

Her children have had this horror in their lives for nearly a decade.

They will mature and realise that their mother chose this man over them and their childhood.

Hopefully they will go NC with her and live lives away from her selfishness.

She certainly deserves no less.

timeisnotaline · 03/12/2021 09:26

It’s only a short marriage op and I think you haven’t lived with him during it. Please go see a lawyer, to see if you can divorce him and keep the land you bought.

dohrgitdb · 03/12/2021 09:29

RUN

Lawyer up ASAP.

Change any locks and block him.

Apologise to your DC

Freedom programme This is so important!

layladomino · 03/12/2021 10:32

Oh your poor children. I could cry for them. You've put this vile man above them. I can't imagine how they must feel.

Please make it right and start putting your rchildren, and your relationship with your children, ahead of the feelings of this vile, abusive man who doesn't love or respect you.

Hanab · 03/12/2021 10:36

Lawyer up and then run! Come on OP it’s not even rocket science.. I beg you to find a way out.. I hope you did not put 100% of your money in the sale and you had good advise when purchasing with him..

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